Bees in my bonnet

The 10 things I hate list (as suggested at Gone Feral - please read her list, it's much funnier)

1. Dates & figs - blech! That tingling feeling behind my ears and the involuntary shuddering is nature's way of saying that these should never be passed off as a sweet treat, except maybe to a desperate fruitbat. Gross.
   
2. Playing "Find That Smell" - especially in the kitchen. Even if you win, you lose. Note: it was the potatoes.
   
3. Bitches who want to compete with you even though you're not trying to compete. Yes, you have an overly-inflated sense of self worth and something to prove - that's wonderful. Go away.
   
4. That people feel the need to push, push, PUSH their religious views &/or diet plans (which is worse?) on others. I understand that they found a lifestyle that works for them (or as they might say "the truth") and they think everyone should, it's just when they gotta be all up in your face about it - it's not cool. Agree to disagree.
   
5. How there's always someone at every job that has to remind the rest of us that she "doesn't even need this job" because her husband makes GOOD money.
   
6. Car problems. Nuff said.
   
7. When the damn blog template doesn't load right and the background images aren't there and the whole thing has just gone to shit for no reason. Grghh! That really burns my butter.
8. An empty inbox. Even when it's deserved due to my lazy ass.
   
9. Dueling alarm clocks. One on each side of the bed. Every weekday morning at 5 or 7 minute intervals. You'd think that we'd wise up and not both hit snooze(s) repeatedly for almost an hour, but well... we do. Even though we hate it.
10. Bugs - especially earwigs, the creepy bastards. Their name alone gives most people who've known these little fuckers a wicked case of the heebie-jeebies. Do they even have a fucking purpose?

Honorable mentions:

- "Hollaback Girl" - yeah, I said it. Everyone loved this ear-bleedin song but me.
- Guilt trips. The only kind of family trip you can count on.
- Water chestnuts - gak!
- Jewel. This may just get a post of it's own.

Rather than dishing out the taggings - why don't you crazy hatin kiddos just let me know if you make a shitlist of your own? Come on, let it out!

Right, you're bloody well right

Pissing me right off (not the official list):

1. that I can't say what I want
2. that if I do say what I want, I'll be considered "too sensitive" or "overreacting" and not a "team player"
3. that nothing I say seems to make a difference anyway
4. that I don't have the skillz to qualify for much else jobwise
5. I've only got a nasty imitation slim-fast (not even real slimfast) and overly salty pretzels for "lunch"
6. that my mom gave me crap even about eating pretzels, saying I "better watch those carbs!"
7. money issues
   
8. that you can practically see my bra through the gap between buttons on this shirt (the shirt is stretchy but my rack is bigger than it used to be)
   

Funny enough, I wrote this post (Wednesday) before I knew I had been tagged by Feral Mom to list 10 things I hate. Oh I'm sure I can manage to stir up and spew forth some more hatred - stay tuned! Woohoohahaha....

Don't look at me that way

Sometimes BossMan delights in his own crapulence and sexist bullshittery. Sometimes it is funny, most of the time I just cringe. Granted, he doesn't get my kind of humor either so we don't successfully joke around too often.

Last week, a friend of the woman in the other office came in and he passed her in the hall on the way to my office. He comes in, pointing in her direction and shaking his head. In a LOUD whisper he exclaims "Damn that bitch is UHH-GLEE!"

At the time I was taken a bit by surprise that he actually said that, so I just shook my head at him and gave him a sort of disapproving, "please shutup" kind of look.

Then later I thought - wait, maybe he's trying to BOND with me like I'm one of the guys. Damn, wish I could go back and do that over in the mindset of one of his guy friends. That would've really thrown him. I woulda been like "Sheeeit dude! I wouldn't even touch her with your dick!" All loud and stuff. But of course I didn't think of that til like 6 hours later.

Then he'd get embarrassed and tell me not to talk like that. Ha!

Son's Gonna Rise

• My brother and his girlfriend just welcomed a baby boy into this world. Now I have TWO nephews that I've never met... well, not yet. Meeting this one should be slightly easier than the other, considering this one lives 3 hours away instead of all the way across the world.

• The boss and his lady are expecting a baby, too. Lots of baby talk going on.

• Meanwhile, a mom I know is loaning her son the money for his share of his girlfriend's abortion. Everyone involved is mad and throwing the blame around. It was odd to hear her call PP and try to casually ask "Yeah, how much do your abortions cost?" kinda like "can I get a price check over here?" but I bet they are used to those calls and well, probably much worse.

• I've gotten to the point where I can imagine being pregnant someday and I can imagine having a sweet little baby in my arms. It's actually becoming more of a warm, hopeful feeling more than sheer terror. BUT the thing that scares me is that THEY GROW UP. And I just wouldn't want the kid to turn out like me. I guess that's what a lot of parents want, for their kids not to make the same mistakes they did. Then I'm worried that I'd either be overly sheltering or turn out with a spoiled brat and that I couldn't find the right balance. Or that I couldn't make a good life for my child, they'd resent me for it and we'd all be miserable. What if my maternal instincts didn't kick in and I was a horrible mother? What if my own faults and flaws rub off on the kid, scar them for life? How could I make my kid not as sensitive, nervous or depressed as his/her mother? Whose advice on parenting would I listen to? Or... or what if I can't even have kids at all by the time that it's time to try? Eeek!

Wit the seven, seven eleven...

Happy Buh-buh-buh Birfday, J!

I love you!

Gonna take it all back and I ain't sayin jack

I'm not in the mood.
Not in the mood for these harsh lights, for the mean humor, the incessant talking without listening. Just too tired and crabby to deal with it today. Biting my tongue.

Most likely we will have to move our office in the very near future. While I had a small amount of hope that we could be moving into something better, it's looking more like it will be much, much worse. I can understand my boss looking for a low price, but damn if he doesn't keep looking in the shittiest of areas. But what can I do? Sometimes you feel like you're only asked for your opinion by these control-freak types so they can feel better by reinforcing that your opinion doesn't really count. That everything you think of must completely suck and be absolutely without merit. Dude, I know it's not my money or my decision BUT I am the person who spends the most time at the office. I don't expect anything fancy - I just want to have somewhere to park and be in a reasonably safe place, that's all.

Over the fence

We've had our share of bunnies in the yard - but look what our neighbors get - baby buns! Apparently they've had bunny nests near their house every spring/summer for 5 consecutive years and the lil' bunners have always done alright (even though - I know, you're supposed to leave them alone). Their dog alerted them to it and seems to keep a protective watch over them. Maybe the mom-bunny and the dog have something worked out.

Awww.

Pistil-whipped

This flower says "hey you! come here! touch me! touch my junk! mmm, I know you want summa dis pollen, baby!"

Or you know, that's what I'd say. See, nature can be fun!

* Title is dedicated to Feral Mom with much respect and giggling.

Nothing fits

• I almost gave up my search for any kind of crop/capri pants given that they all clung to my womanly (or wide, if you wanna be a dick about it) hips in an unflattering manner or, considering my shortness - looked like I was just wearing some regular pants that slightly shrunk. Finally found a pair of capris that are acceptable. Gauchos are still out of the question.
  
• Manufacturers of women's clothing: I know there are standards for what you consider to be a certain size, aren't there? Wouldn't you think that making your clothing items a bit on the larger side instead of running small would make everyone happy? I don't feel like the size I am deserves the size that's on the label. Thanks for making me feel even fatter than I already do. Perhaps the A & F had a good idea - my cousin tells me she always buys their jeans because while she's normally a size 6, at their store she's a size 2. (Which really must be one of the few reasons people consider subjecting themselves to that place if they're not part of some teen girl squad.)
• Even Britney Spears' pregnant belly looks better than my non-pregnant one - at least on the Bazaar cover. That's sad.
• I wonder if I'll ever be pregnant. Not that I'm trying, I just wonder.
  
• I'm not feeling too good about myself lately. Bah.

The skunk over here will bring you luck

All this time, and I still don't have much for you. Ah, such is life. I even had an extended weekend and it just went by way too fast. Didn't get enough accomplished. We had company for most of it though. Cleaned up, grilled out, walked around, gamed on, slept in, ate out, laughed about, drank up, mulled over, settled down. You know how it goes.


* The title of this post comes from PaRappa the Rappa - a funny game (good for entertaining guests) that was beaten very quickly this weekend - leaving the music from it stuck in our heads ever since.

Should I leave well enough alone?

Hmm, I wanted to try something different - yet I fear change. I'm not sure about this new template, but we'll try it out even if it's just for today. There are some blogs out there that tend to make my eyes wander or hurt and I don't want that. Please let me know what you think.

Yeah I did

You know what sucks? Stumbling around naked in the morning when you should be getting ready for work, trying to find a battery with some juice left in it.

But when you do find that battery, it's sooo worth it.

Gone baptizin'

So there's this peculiar church that I pass by and often wonder about. It's a huge, newer building, but it doesn't really have that churchy look about it and plus - it's conveniently mall-adjacent, folks! The kind of church that doesn't necessarily tell you their denomination and when asked, their cult church members' eyes just get shifty and they say "oh you know, just uhh... Christian."

I like keeping an eye on their sign-board, but really I can't help but read all the church signs that I come across. I reported back to The Beef yesterday that it said something about cravings and midnight like "Satisfy those midnight cravings for Jesus!" or maybe it was "Can't sleep? Got a midnight craving for Jesus? Now we're open til 4AM!" (Cut to a commercial of a guy getting up from tossing and turning in bed, mumbling to himself "Can't sleep. Must evangelize.") What's next? A drive-thru with "Hot, fresh Christ to go"? Maybe they share the same marketing people as Taco Bell. And as The Beef has said before "I just don't know how I feel about a church so big that it has it's own parking attendants."

I dunno. Just seems a bit hokey to me, but to each their own.

Less scurvy, more curvy

It's been avocado madness up in dis mofo for quite some time now. And while avocadoes give me this pesky little allergic reaction that makes the roof of my mouth itch, I just can't deny their goodness.

11 freakin avocadoes + 1 gato!

dewdrops on the Lady's Mantle


some sort of marketing ploy

Not always, just sometimes

I just don't know. About anything.
It feels like everything lately is moving at a normal pace while I am in slow motion, never able to quite catch up to everyone else. There are births, birthdays, marriages, etc. People's lives are changing and I'm standing still, watching from the sidelines. It's not a sad thing, I just don't get why I feel this way now when I used to like to participate, at least somewhat. Or maybe I just wasn't given the option not to when I was younger. Now I just feel kinda numb. I feel so disconnected from my brothers and extended family and I know it's mostly my own fault. You can't just tell people that you love them but seeing them once or twice a year is enough. Not that I did say that, it's just something I remember from one of the "you've gotta stop being such a selfish bitch" speeches I've received over the years. The thing is, it does hurt sometimes but for the most part it feels more normal this way, with this distance. I know it's messed up, I'm just sayin.

Half-assed gardening done right

Ooh, a cheerful new flower that I haven't positively identified! Wouldn't ya know - the flowers and plants that are doing the best around here are those that were already planted (not by me) and that I have left alone to do their thing. Flowers that I've carefully chosen, planted, watered and fed vital nutrients have pretty much croaked. Go figure.

News anchor sandwich

I don't know if you all caught it last night, but none other than heartthrob Anderson Cooper was on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! If you don't already know how I feel about these two, let me just say I'd like to be a part of that sandwich, har har har! No, Anderson - you're a piece of the bread, I get to be the bologna! Alright, alright we'll take turns.

I like it when AndCoo (do you think anyone calls him that?) laughs. I noticed this on the Colbert Report too (because honestly, I have little interest in the "real" news shows.) He gets even more squinty than usual and it's just aww, so cute. Now I think I'll take back the leash thing and just tickle him with a feather to watch him giggle and squirm. And okay, maybe tweak his nipples a bit. I mean, he'd be naked of course. I bet he smells good too.

And then there's your Jon Stewart. I've loved that man ever since The Jon Stewart show was on Fox (damn, I think that was like 10 years ago). So much that I don't know what I'd say to him, much less do to him. He must be a very, very busy man with a lot on his mind. Too busy for a blowjob, you think? Alright, then. We can see where this one's going...

But one more comment about last night's interview. As you may well know, AndCoo recently did his big interview with Angelina Jolie. He politely avoided talking about how "hot" she is, though Jon was giving him the opportunity. Hmm, there are a few ways people could look at this. 1) They could take that to mean that the rumors are true, he must be gay and in the closet. Or 2) He's too much of a gentleman and too shy to talk like that. Or my favorite, #3) Maybe he's just not into her and her buttlips after having to stare at them for hours. Bam! Yeah, I said it. I'm sorry, peeps - I can see why other people like her but she just doesn't do it for me.

And, I'm out.

It's lunch and it's personal

Hey. Oh, go ahead and ask me what I'm eating, I know you want to. Yes, it's a fucking HotPocket. Why is that funny? Yeah, well I'm sorry I didn't have a more civilized lunch to bring. Nope, now you don't get to ask what flavor it is. And by all means, do not come over here and lean in to get a better look. No. Yeah, I know it actually smells good. You know what happened one time when I let this lady do the lean in? She actually poked it. Poked my hotpocket with her questionable fingernail. And so? I didn't get to enjoy my hotpocket that day. Tainted hotpocket! Fuck if I'm gonna let that happen again. Go away. Just don't even look at me while I'm trying to eat my goddamn lunch at my desk. Just don't.

Soft Bulletin

This album brings me back. To a time when we had much less. To bitterly cold mornings of brushing layers upon layers of snow off of our cars out in the apartment parking lot. How sometimes a clump of snow would manage to slip down between my jacket and glove, stinging and melting on my wrist. And how in winter the car exhaust would hang stagnantly in the air, the smell clinging to our coats and our hair for hours afterward. I think of how you looked, just coming in from the cold. Pink flushed cheeks, glasses getting foggy, a dusting of snow turning to water droplets on your back. The way our cold lips would warm up against each other in a quick moment before it was time for us to head out to work. I'd be all worried about the roads and you'd always manage to comfort and encourage me, the way you do - like it's just second nature.
You kept me going, even when I didn't want to. And you know, you still do. I love you so damn much.

Casual craving

You know I'm composed of many good girl/bad girl layers right? It's a toss up which side of me you'll see depending on the situation. I will be bad and then I will feel bad for being bad because part of me wants to be good. Part. But I don't like it when people just assume I'm bad or good or whatever. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.

I feel bad today. Not bad in the usual guilty, made-a-mistake kind of way. More in a rebellious, fiesty, don't-give-a-fuck, let's just do something crazy kind of way. What I want is a girl friend to be a good, bad influence on me right now. Someone who gets as cynical about the world but doesn't see it as drearily as I do. A somewhat girly-girl but not a prissy, high-maintenance girl. A girl that likes to take chances but isn't stupid in her risk-taking. Someone who needs me to be her more sensible counterpart. Okay, maybe just someone who needs me. Maybe. Because when you are a girl's special friend, it feels like some kind of honor like nothing else. To just be liked for who you are by another woman is a beautiful thing. It used to be me that was the "bad influence friend" but I don't think I play that role very well anymore. I want her to be the one that suggests we polish off this bottle of tequila together and I want her to be the one who doesn't care what they think and I want her to be the one who grabs my ass and suggests that we fool around with each other for a while. Yeah, I just said that. Now I feel bad.

Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough I almost forgot to include my "bad girl" thoughts yesterday about having Anderson Cooper naked and on a leash like a good boy. Crazy hormones.

20 points on why I should just go home today

(also posted at The List List)

1. I don't feel well (granted, I usually don't this time of day so that's not a huge stretch, but still...)
2. There are movies I need to watch and return to Netflix.
3. My cat needs me.
4. This place stifles my creative energy and makes me feel trapped in a cage.
5. The bed is at home, waiting for me.
6. It's been too long since I've pleasured myself. Seriously.
   
7. There are snacks at home.
8. There are piles upon piles of laundry to do (and really, laundry is better to do during the day, isn't it?)
9. There are bills to pay (oh, they don't get paid if I don't work? Shit.)
10. It's okay for me to be inebriated if I'm not here. Just sayin.
    
11. I forgot my lunch and no one can cover for me to go get one.
12. Alright... I just don't like the lunch that I brought, shutup.
13. Dude, I just need to be alone and think about stuff.
14. You wouldn't miss me.
15. Just look at these circles under my eyes!
16. I don't give you shit when you wanna go home (well, not to your face at least.)
17. I have no idea what's going on on daytime television these days.
18. Did I mention there are snacks at home? And beverages?
    
19. I need to clean the house and come on, I shouldn't have to do that "on my own time."
20. Look at this. Look at what this boredom has led me to!
    

Nice scarecrow, jackass

Filed under: flashbacks

The house I grew up in had a steep hill behind it which led to "the woods" which was mostly a dense, narrow band of pine trees stretching past several houses. Going up the hill would almost always guarantee that your shoes, socks and lower pantlegs would be covered by those annoying little sand burrs. If you've experienced them, you know how fun a task it is to pick them out of your clothes!
All I remember about the woods was that the boys would take the opportunity to pee on trees (just 'cause they could) and try unsuccesfully to get people to fall into this hole that they carefully covered with sticks and leaves like some sort of trap. And that one time my brother shot a crow and hung the corpse so it was swinging from one of the pine trees. It hung there for a long time, during a hot summer and of course decayed and was all gross and stuff. Not sure if that ever actually took care of a crow problem, or if there even was one. I know it really bothered me and my mom. I can't quite remember, but maybe my brother had gone to a redneck version of boyscouts or some shit.

Chirpin birdies

So, Old Lady Nervous bought a birdfeeder (and some fancy-shmancy birdfood, mind you) a couple weeks ago. This was partly an attempt to make a peace offering to the sweet little chickadees who would dee-dee-dee their heads off, guarding their house (shown here) whenever I was outside pulling weeds in their area. This was my way of saying "Hey, I'm cool with birds, it's all good. I'm not trying to eat your babies, so don't like freak out and eat them yourselves or anything." It also was to provide some entertainment (just by watching through the window) for the cat. And me.

For a little while, it seemed pretty quiet around there. I wondered if they weren't diggin on the seed. Then we started seeing a few wee little chickadees (and they're pretty wee anyway) hanging out at the feeder. I'm not positive that they're the same ones, but they're quite cute nonetheless. It took a little while, but now the word is out. It's a muhfuhkin bird partay over here! Peepidy-peep, y'all! There are SO many sparrows, and they've been eating the most. I'm thinking we'll eventually see them just waddle over to the feeder area with their round little bellies and call out "Ey! Can you just uh, whoo boy... (catching breath) just throw some seeds down for us? Bahhgahhk!"

I think I'm enjoying this bird-watching too much. I don't know what's cuter, the birds themselves or the way my cat flattens her ears and makes this very soft, sorta high pitched "cac-ca-ca" whenever they are near her window. Now we have attracted the chickadees, the sparrows, a mourning dove couple, a cardinal couple, some robins that just hang out to see what's going on but don't eat the seed, some chipmunks, a squirrel and Larry the grackle. Grackles have a bad reputation but he's interesting to watch. He mostly just looks for the peanuts in the seed mix and stares with his beady little eyes. I think he's just a misunderstood bachelor. He hasn't been jerky to the other birds, but they tend to all get pissed and leave when he arrives. Except for the male mourning dove. Mourning doves don't really give a shit and are cool. So it's a pretty happy little wildlife situation, especially combined with the occasional bunny. But I do like yelling out "Bird fight! Come one, come all. Grackle vs. Robin! Next round, the middle-weights: Mourning Dove vs. Cardinal! Make your bets. Who's it gonna be?" But um yeah. That's just me. I told you I'm weird.


Too much excitement for this little cat!

Psst! More pics of this cat and other terribly cute pets over at I Love Your Pets!

"I was saying boo-urns"

Man, people. I feel like a putz. This office could use one of those cliche posters that says "Hang in there, kitty" or something like that. Just because it would disturb the other people here and they'd have to debate whether or not to tell me it's too tacky. Instead there are just blank walls, which when combined with flourescent lighting can be quite depressing. Not that I'm complaining. This is the first job where I've ever had my own desk. So you know, it ain't all bad.

I'm just feeling kind of tired and lifeless. Sick of things. Stuffed up. I'm sorry I haven't had much to say to you all. I'm riding the ups and downs, sometimes it's a bit unpredictable so I'd rather keep my mouth shut. I don't carry myself like I used to, I don't like myself like I used to, and that's really what people notice I think. I know looks aren't everything, but it's more of the vibe you give off. You can be what one might not immediately consider "attractive" but it all depends on how you act and how you hold yourself, how people respond to you. I'm to the point where it's really more and more of a downer to look in the mirror. I was the same size for nearly 10 years, and now I'm a bit of a chub (to put it "lightly" - ha). If I told my mother how much I weighed and what pant sizes I'm trying on now, I'm sure she'd do her token mom-gasp and try to push her South Beach diet book on me. Not that she doesn't notice. Everyone notices, they're not even trying to pretend not to. Gughhh. My desired solution would be to just grow 2 or 3 inches taller - being short leaves me no room for this weight to properly distribute itself. But I know I need excercise, for several reasons in addition to weight loss. I'm too young to have crackling knees and ankles and to hobble when I get up in the morning. Yeah, not good.

Sorry I don't have much of anything too good to say. It's amazing though, how much better I feel and how much I turn into a different person when I can just get out of here and into the sunshine.

sweet peas vs. sweet feets

sweet peas ¹

sweet lil feets ²

¹ Both moms warned me about the sweet peas and continuously scolded "You've gotta pull these damn things out of your garden before they take over!" but I insisted we at least leave a few and let them bloom. They do have purty flowers at least. I guess they can get crazy-invasive and have these little viney strands that will grab and choke other plants, or maybe cross-breed with them if it suits their fancy (it had previously tried to get it on with the nearby bleeding-heart flowers). One of them grabbed a piece of my hair the other day, so we'll see what freaky hybrid comes of that.

² You mustn't touch!

Inside out

Emptiness. I feel it when I'm here alone and have time to think. Nagging, gnawing away at my insides. I know I shouldn't tell you all this. I will try to make friends and scare them away by my need to be liked. I want them to like us so badly, yet I'm unconcerned about how much I like them. I mean, I do - but it's easy for me to like people. I don't know if it's easy for me to be liked. People look at me different now. I can't tell if they're looking at all the flaws on the surface or if they can sense them inside. Do they like me? Did I smile enough? I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but in reality I'm probably highly forgettable. I'm afraid that if people do like me, it's only for the sole reason that I like them. That is their favorite quality about me, not that I have something to show for myself. But sometimes that is all I have to offer, how I can make other people feel.

There are these typical "normal" things that you are just supposed to do or have, and part of me resents that. Credit cards, a college degree, a purpose. A collection of shoes, an iPod, a personal trainer, a 401k. Riding your bike, rollerblading, going to concerts, going swimming, social gatherings - they all come naturally. Having a balance of time spent with your spouse, family and your wide range of friends. You go on vacations because that is what people just do, without worrying about how you could possibly afford it and how you would get there and if you'd be given time off and if you were, if it would be with pay. You don't worry about any of that. Everyone seems so... cut from the same cloth? And as for me? Cut from that leftover scrap of gauze over there.

I get this frantic feeling in my head that you'd only know if you've experienced it. I can only look at it logically when I'm not in the throes of it. I don't know whether to drink til I feel that poison in my veins, to smoke until it hurts to breathe, to cut, to cry, to throw dishes, to sit in a corner shaking, to lock myself in a room, to scream profanity, to run run run far away. I restrain myself. None of these ever seems like an option that could offer enough relief. Because you just can't turn it off. You just can't turn it off. And that is the advice you will get - because to everyone else it's so SIMPLE! Just turn it off! There you go, I fixed all your problems for you! Just don't be like... how you are! There, doesn't that feel better? It worked for us, so it must work for you! Aww, you're sad? Well, let me condescend to you and make you feel just a little bit smaller, piece by piece, take away a little more of that stubborn thinking of yours and then you will look up to me like some kind of savior who knows what's best for you.

I know that most likely by the end of the day I won't feel like this anymore. I didn't even know when I began that I'd say all of that. I wish I could say that was it and that I feel better now.

Personal reprieve

Yeah, so I know my interests may seem a bit blah lately. No, I didn't age 30 years overnight, though sometimes it feels that way. But hell, if the chicks my age can get all into their knitting projects, I can get into flowers and birds and other token grandmotherly activities, can't I? Come on now.

Sometimes the best thing I can do to keep myself from worrying and obsessing about the state of my life is to just distract myself with some little happy thing like this. It at least helps to work towards balancing out all the negativity I have. I don't know why it can be so hard for me to just feel happy without feeling guilty. Somewhere along the line I was given the idea that the only time you are worthy of happiness is if you have really truly suffered for it. Now, I can see where in some cases this is true but also how my mind has distorted it, making me constantly think things like I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy. It's an endless struggle, and somedays I'm better at fighting it than others. But hell if I'm gonna just give up.

In Bloom

Look at my wet peonies

Anyone wanna throw out a guess on what these are? For now I will have to call them Mysterious Pink Towers of Fuzzybuds. Update: Dictamnus albus

And these... might be called baptisia, but I shall call them Purple Nurples, because that makes me giggle.

Clematis, or as I call it - ooh, pretty flowering climbing viney thing! Also has the honor of being my new profile pic ('bout time I had one again, eh?)

This bunner-bun sure likes hanging around us. Aww, I think I caught him or her in mid-chew. The bunny was only mildly interested in our attention but you know, bunnies will just do their bunny kind of things.

Don't tell me it was the best movie ever

I really hated to do it, but when Netflix asked what we thought of our recently returned movie War of the Worlds I had to click "no opinion".

By no opinion, I meant that embarrassingly enough this movie sat in a drawer for 2 or 3 months and we still couldn't convince ourselves that it was worth watching, yet we thought someday we might possibly be in the mood for it. And now it's on cable, anyway. So for the first time ever, I sent a movie back without watching it. So that was a waste, but hey - no late fees, eh?

Other movies that were close to sharing the same fate, but eventually did get watched were The Day After Tomorrow and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory which were both pretty disappointing - well, maybe not disappointing since we didn't have that high of hopes for them anyway. But we at least reluctantly gave ourselves the "let's just watch the fucking movie and get it over with" pep talk those times.

Yes, I am aware that you choose the movies that they send you.

A shout out to the ladies

Uh oh, folks. I'm feeling sappy and hormonal today, but I just gotta say something. So I'll just say it and then we won't have to be embarrassed* or bring it up again. It's just... damnit, I LOVE you women bloggers**! Aww, shucks. I know I don't really know you, but when I read your words sometimes I feel like I do. I find myself saying "Yes! Exactly!" or even at times getting a bit teary-eyed. I feel happy for you when things are going well, and I want to be there for you when they're not. When we share things with each other, I feel this bond that's been painfully missing from my real, day to day life. Sometimes your emails remind me of the special feeling I'd get when being passed a carefully folded note that reads "For your eyes only!" and that just totally brightens my day. Ya see, a lot of times I feel so disconnected and different from women my age. But you all, you just make me happy to be a woman. So, thank you internet girls. Thank you for spilling your guts and sharing your hearts. Keep on keepin it real.



* I won't even make my vaguely bisexual references this time - well, unless you want me to
** not to say the guys aren't pretty damn awesome and worthy of props too

Night Flowers

Heh-lo? Eef you squeent jou can see we are still heere, we're jus feeling verr-very sneaky... shhh!

Be forewarned...

If you don't behave yourself, I will have no choice but to fill your shoes with cat crap.

Politeness Fights

Do your ever find yourself having politeness fights? That's what my brother and I would call them as we rolled our eyes at the bickering adults. We'd be out to dinner with my aunt or something and both her and my mom would try to pay the check. We always thought it was funny that even though they were both really trying to be generous, that they'd actually get all upset about it. "Oh no, absolutely not - I'm not letting you pay for your dinner. This is on me. NO. This is on ME. NO. Take back your money. Take it. Take it back!" Finally, one of them would defeatedly accept but threaten to pay for dinner next time.

Now that I'm older, I find that I've picked up my mom's politeness fighting habit. What can I say? She raised me not to accept offerings from other people if I didn't have to. Perhaps to her it's a matter of pride and independence along with being polite - and I can understand that, but now I see how annoying it is when you want to do something nice for someone and they just won't accept.

This happens to me now when the matter of lunch comes up at work. Most of the time, I don't mind going and picking something up and will pick up for my boss as well. He'll insist on paying for both of our lunches and sometimes I will kindly thank him, sometimes I will fight it. "No, you bought lunch for me last time. Let me get yours this time. Well, I can at least pay for my own. Really." as he pulls out his wallet, shaking his head. I try refusing his money and this usually ends up with him throwing the cash on my desk and saying "Take it. Take the motherfucking money! And thank you!" And I know, that should be cool and everything but I just don't want to seem like I'm expecting it or something. I'm getting better at just accepting things with a "thank you" but it doesn't feel right if I don't protest at least a little bit.

Go on, say it out loud

I was telling The Beef (also known as J) that sometimes - like when I'm at work- this phrase just keeps popping into my head. I don't remember where I heard it, but find it amusing that people look at quiet, relatively polite little me and don't know I'm sitting here thinking:
"Why? Fuck you, that's why!"
I think I have some repressed anger.

Wacky parents weekend!

Over the weekend:

• The couple next door had us over for dinner. Nice neighbors! Cute cats! A funny dog! Margaritas! Getting to know each other! We're not used to this kind of friendly behavior from neighbors due to our extended stay in a crappy apartment complex.
  
• On Saturday morning I woke up and groggily told J about another weird dream I had. "Oh honey, it was the worst experience at Arby's - EVER!"
  
• Also Saturday morning, I had a message from my dad saying he was coming up (he lives about 3-4 hours away) to take my mom out to dinner (yes, they've been divorced for nearly 20 years) and wondered if he could spend the night at our house. He sounded like he was getting ready to head up our way whether we said yes or no. His message had this tone of spontaneity and anxiousness that made me feel a bit pressured and freaked out. Also, the very short notice wasn't too cool. But I would've felt bad turning him away, so I said that would be fine.
• J's parents did the "pop-in" on Saturday. J's dad slipped him a couple "funny" old pornos, for some reason. I really hope he's not expecting a review, but really I find that more amusing than offensive.
• Our friend Kat popped in as well that evening, it was good catching up with her.
  
• I ended up having to wait up for my dad to get back from my mom's that night. It was about 11:45 when he finally showed up, and I was tired. Nope, it's not what you're thinking. My mom once again shot down his suggestion of rekindling the flames that burned out a long time ago. I felt like I probably shouldn't know about that, but he told me anyway.
  
• I don't know how to feel about that. Partly sad, partly annoyed, but mostly awkward.
• I cried a little after my dad left.
• I drank a little more than usual over the weekend.
  
• J made a wonderful dinner for my mom and his parents Sunday night, including a smoked chicken experiment that turned out really well. He's quite the host. Good times were had.
• The weekend went by really fast - especially with all the parental invasions - but we still managed to fit in some hot late-night doggy-style lovin, in which I yelped like a cocker spaniel. Well, in a good way though.
  
• I'd gladly discuss any of the above points in more detail, I'm just too tired to make a proper post.
  

Bathroom of Irony

Had this recurring dream again early this morning. I'm desperately searching for a bathroom to use. It always ends up being a public bathroom with many stalls, and there are always problems with it. Some of the stall doors are broken, some don't even have doors. There is water on the floor, a toilet is overflowing. People are everywhere. The place is a mess but I'm desperate. The only clean-looking toilet will inevitably have some other problem, like no privacy. People keep coming into my stall and I can't relax enough to actually go. I've already made a wreath of toilet paper to cover the suspiscious-looking seat, and someone else comes in, sits down and starts to go. I finally exclaim that I've been waiting to use the bathroom for like half an hour now and this is the only one that isn't plugged up or being used. The girl shrugs, flushes the toilet, and it overflows onto my shoes. When I finally get one of the clean, working toilets, I sit there and can't go.

I have a dream book where this is mentioned. Their idea is that in real life there is something you need to "get out" but are embarrassed of it, or just don't know how to express it and you're holding it in.
Or maybe it's just a worry that stays in the back of your mind. If you've ever frantically had to use the bathroom at a rest-stop, a KOA campground, or even at a highschool, the above dream isn't far from reality.

I guess I can just be glad that I didn't wet the bed.

Everything's Gone Green

And we're in the middle of what appears to be a 10 day bout of rain. You'll know I'm officially old if people start complaining about the weather and I shake my fist and say "We need the rain." Old people know best sometimes, or that's what they'll tell you.



I've been sorta in and out lately (yeah, again). I blame it on dreariness and self-medicating. I've been drinking better things like WATER lately and my body is quite confused by it. I also tried an awesome beverage recently that I wish I'd see around more often - Arizona Blueberry White Tea. Word. Antioxidants fo dat ass.



I haven't planted anything new, but I'm pleasantly surprised at what has come to life here. These leaves are so lovely, you'd think they're hand-painted.

You and your damn technology

How much do you love the people who wear the cordless cell phone earpieces around the office? No no, I mean, I can totally see the convenience in this and everything. Truly I wouldn't mind one myself for home use. But. A few peeves:

• I know the temptation is strong, but do you really have to keep talking on it while you're in the bathroom, using the bathroom? When it's a business call?
  
• Sure, we've all dropped calls before. But your limit for number of times to say "hellooo?" before realizing and accepting that the call has been dropped is 2, maybe 3 - not 7 or 8. And you don't have to holler like your caller has fallen down a well or something, either.
  
• Please don't look directly at me while you're talking to someone else on your headset.
• If you talk to me while that headset is on, I'm just gonna ignore you because I'll think you're talking to someone else.
  

side note:
When I worked at the drycleaners that had a drive-thru window, I'd occasionally get these headset people. And the difficult thing was that I'd only see the left side of their face, not realizing their headset was on the right. So one time, dude pulls up and says hello in my direction. I say good morning and am prepared to continue with this transaction. Only to get the raised "pshht" hand and hear him continue his conversation on the phone, while ignoring me. This is a drive-thru, mind you. If someone else had come along, he wouldn't have thought twice about holding up the line. I wish I could say I did something really cool in this situation, but I just turned and walked away from the window, ignored him when I heard him say "Okay, I'm ready now" and then let him wait and bang on the counter a couple times before I came back over. I can't remember now, but I wonder if that was the same fuck who'd come through, throw his dirty clothes at you and say "I'm in a HURRY, I'm late for SURGERY" and all acted like he was a doctor and like that gave him priority over everyone else. But later we found one of his business cards and he was just a medical supply sales rep. Jerkass.

Who likes blurry cat pics? I do, I do!

There's plenty more where these came from! Bwahahaha ahh aha.

soooo snuggly

*snoof*

feets!

shower lickins: the forbidden pleasure

Cinco de Uh-oh

Friday night was interesting. I started out in a rotten mood, so if I talked/didn't talk/was a bitch to you, I'm sorry. Especially to J, because he didn't deserve to come home to my freaked out and pissy attitude. But being the nice guy he is, made quite a bit of effort to cheer me up. This involved margaritas and taquitos (festive!) and - you know I don't normally go on about meat here - but this really awesome ribeye steak on the grill. I'm not even that crazy about steak in general, but it was seared to perfection and was just SO good! And did I mention the margaritas kicked my ass? Now I'm not sure how many we each had, but we managed to finish off that bottle of tequila. I was all stumbley, chatty and happy, the two of us were having a damn good time for a couple of old fuddy-duddies.

Oh, but there's more. You know what you really want to see when you are shitty drunk and step outside your house later to put the grill away? A multitude of flashing emergency vehicle lights of course! Several police cruisers blocking the street, a police SUV in the driveway, 2 or 3 firetrucks and a couple other fire-related trucks, and a bunch of neighbors standing outside looking distraught.

Talk about a buzzkill.

Our neighbor told J part of the story before he got pulled away by one of the firemen. We went back inside for a minute, trying to absorb what was happening while in our blurred foggy state. "I don't know if I can go out there again, I'm way too fucked up" J said. Then there's me "Shit, it's legal to be fucked up in my own house, isn't it? That's what I'll say if they ask me any questions." I was more joking than beligerent, but it did take an effort to regain our composure before going back out to find out what was going on.

A fire started in a neighbors garage and you know, things combusted and whatnot. They weren't home yet. No one was hurt. Thankfully, the neighbors between us and them were home and called 911. Not before the garage fire spread and started melting away part of their house too though, unfortunately. It's a big mess. Those poor people. We were standing outside talking when the owner of the home arrived and went running past to see the damage. On his way, this mouthy preteen boy intercepted him "Dude! Your house caught on fire!" J and I looked at each other like "who the hell is that kid?" Because the way he said it sounded so rude, it was like "Dude, you suck! You set your house on fire, dumbass." I mean, at a moment of great distress - J and I thought the guy might just punch that kid in the face and keep walking. We were just a little disappointed when he didn't. Then it seemed like everyone who walked by mentioned that this is the second fire these people have had. I feel really bad for them, hopefully they have decent insurance. We gawked for a bit along with the neighbors but then decided it was time to go back inside.



We didn't feel so festive after that, but it was an interesting night nonetheless.

5 and 5 on 5/5

Things I'm not good at:

1. Eating with chopsticks
2. Singing "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake on karaoke - it's harder than you'd think!
3. Reverse cowgirl
4. Driving in reverse (backing into parking spaces, backing down my driveway)
   
5. Reassuring myself
   

Things I'm good at:

1. Being self-deprecating
   
2. Embarrassing myself
   
3. Making myself nauseous
4. Checking your blogs
   
5. Doing naughty things
   

Fourth Grade Foibles (Part 3)

Part Three of... Possibly More?

Read Part One

Read Part Two

How long did my romance with Keith last? A few weeks? A month? I can't quite remember, but it didn't seem like very long. Plus I think we had decided to "go out" right before school was over so I didn't get to see him as much anymore anyway. No more sneaky kisses.

It was that summer that my mom decided she was going back to school in a city 3 hours south of where we were and I decided to move with her, leaving my dad, my stupid brothers, and well, Keith behind. I remember calling Keith to tell him the news and not being that impressed with his reaction. He was just kind of quiet and then said his mom was calling him and he'd have to go or something. Ohh, I don't think he was that sad. Was he? He probably just didn't know what to say. That was the last time I ever talked to him, even though it was a while before I actually moved away. I was kinda sad about it for a while, but my mom and her newfound liberation kept me from going on about boys too much.

So, that was about it for the "action" I got in fourth grade. Oh wait, no. I umm, I also humped a girl.

Fourth Grade Foibles (Part 2)

Part Two of A Few

Read Part One First

Alright, I didn't actually end up "going out" with both Keith and Brandon at the same time. Come on. And be like that two-timin' chump Kaylan? Nah. What I did do, however, was have most of the class vote on who they thought I should go out with. Oh yeah, ballots and shit - you know it. Alright, more like a sheet with "check one" on it, but still. Nice, huh?

Brandon was the popular, blond haired, class-clowney kind of guy while Keith was a quietly funny, polite, brown-haired guy. Naturally, nearly everyone in class voted for Brandon. I remember that piece of paper being passed back to me just before the end of class and I looked at it and smiled.

And of course, decided to go out with Keith. Ha.

After all, he talked to me first and I knew Brandon wouldn't really care either way. Plus, I always liked rooting for the underdog.

I think I made a good choice. We never actually did "go out", but one day I convinced Keith to ride his bike over to my house. He whined a little bit about how far away it was, but I insisted. I think for some reason I was going to be alone there or mostly unsupervised for a little while. And of course, I had plans.

I knew I was not supposed to have boys over, let alone have them in my room but I didn't seem to care. When Keith got there, we went in my room where I informed him that we were going to "kiss like they do on TV", demonstating a long french kiss as an example with my pillow. He was a little intimidated by that. After a little compromising, we ended up doing more of a "kiss like fourth-graders would" but hey, I was just happy to get a kiss at all.

And, as you'll see below - he even wrote me a sweet little note! Sure, it took some urging, but it's pretty good, I think. I've been holding onto this one for a long time. I think it was my first "loveletter" from a boy. It still makes me smile.

click to enlarge & squint your eyes to read

What about you? Have you kept old-school love notes? Do you remember the ones you've written?

Fourth Grade Foibles

Part One of A Few

So, fourth grade was pretty sweet. I mean, looking back I had a bunch of fucked up family shit going on and all that BUT I was also in public school instead of Catholic so I didn't have to wear uniforms, which I thought was the shiz at the time. (I actually transferred over in 3rd grade, but I don't remember much of note during that year.) And I could wear EARRINGS, well - I'd hide the really dangly ones that my mom didn't like and then put them on once I got to school. It was a really nice elementary school and I was happy there. Plus the school had the COOLEST playground, and we were even allowed to go about 3.5 feet into the adjacent woods and make forts. Forts! Awesome.

So, I never really went through that "boys are icky" stage. Or I did, but that didn't stop me from chasing them. There was this boy that I thought was cute. His name was Kaylan or some crap like that. He had bronze skin and an oblong head and I don't remember much about him but he was popular. I liked him, and then my friend decided she liked him too, and she'd go ask him who he liked. He was all "Well, why don't I go out with both of you and see who I like better?" What a pimp. I inevitably lost, though neither of us actually "went out" anywhere with him. My friend snarkily announced that she had been chosen while we were on the playground, maybe a day or two later. I went off to the woods area and was feeling half-sad and defeated. This nice boy Keith came up and after hearing about it, said
"Well, I woulda picked you"
(sniffle) "You... you would?"
Then his friend Brandon came up.
"Yeah, I woulda gone out with you too."
(beaming)"You... really?"
They look at each other, and back at me.
(light bulb goes on) "Well, I've got an idea, boys - how bout I go out with both of you and see who I like better?"

Blue Monday

I wrote this last night (Monday). I know it's all whiney and crap, but hell I wrote it so I'm putting it up. I'll hopefully have something happier to share soon.

I've had way too much time to think today. Still, not much clarity has come from it.

I'm not the type that has taken a big ol' bite out of life. I haven't been known to put my foot down and demand things in the way other people do. I sometimes can't bring myself to just tell you what I want. Sometimes I don't know what I want. Sometimes I'm afraid to say it. I just want to be someone. I want to be worth something. To you and to me. I don't feel like there's anywhere I fit in. You won't hear me being referred to as "my wife" or "that hottie" or "the charming young lady" or even "the MILF next door." But perhaps that is for the best. I am none of these things. I'm not young, I'm not cute, I'm not successful, I'm not sick, I'm not well. I don't seem to ever feel quite right. I feel like I have so much that I want to give, but how can a no-one have anything to offer?

So, here I am on another pointless night, wanting to cry for other people's lives - for their struggles, their loves, their losses, their strengths. It's ridiculous.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. - Anais Nin

While this quote makes some sense, you can probably see why I also find it heartbreaking. I want to be a better person, I don't want to weigh anyone down, I just feel so overwhelmed by all my flaws and don't quite know where to start with fixing them.

My Body Rejects Nature

These little ailments sometimes make me feel like one big mess. Stupid allergies. It itches from my eyes to my nose to my ears. Yeah, I guess that's not very far but trust me, it's concentrated. You know what feels good? Scratching the roof of my mouth with my toothbrush. Repeatedly Q-tipping my ears. Rinsing my contacts. Pressing on either side of my nose or under my eyes to relieve the pressure. Oh so itchy. Oh so scratchy. Allergy medicine - what? Yeah, I guess my whole "building up immunity" idea isn't working.
I stepped down on the side of my right ankle while wearing these awful shoes a few days ago, it wasn't too bad though. But then the next day my right knee was stiff and hurting. And it was at the same time that the right side of my sinuses were stuffed up, so pretty much that half of my body was useless. Then my uterus starts acting up and you know - it's just downhill from there.

I've never really suffered from insomnia, but I do appreciate it when it doesn't take me long to fall asleep. I hate that feeling when you just can't get in the right position or can't get your thoughts to quiet down, and as the restless hours pass you just get frustrated to tears because you know you're gonna feel like shit in the morning. Sometimes I also have a problem if the person I'm sleeping with falls asleep first. I find myself listening to the rhythm of how they breathe, and I start breathing in time with them, only it doesn't feel right, but when I try to breathe normally it's like I forgot how to breathe on my own. And that right there, pretty much sucks.
I shouldn't jinx myself. I've gotta get to bed.

Outside

La la la... taking some pictures, avoiding the bumblebees...



Ooh, what a lovely viney-shrubby thing with it's wee little red flowers!



Oh my! Well lookee here, it's the local bunner-buns getting a little sunshine! Have you had your lil' baby buns yet? I promise I won't take them from you!

Sucking In Reverse

You know how sometimes a stupid phrase you heard somewhere (that really has nothing to do with anything) just keeps popping up in your head?

I thought of this again the other night and of course, had to share it with you. One time when I was having my teeth cleaned and was quite old enough to know how the whole thing worked, the overly chipper dental hygenist gave me this little treasure to be forever stuck in my mind. She had that crazy little vacuum tube thing to put in my mouth and says:

"Do you like milkshakes?"
"Huaaghh" (I think I nodded or shrugged, as my mouth was full)
"Well see? This is just like a milkshake, but in reverse."

Oh yes, just like a milkshake. Only a gritty, minty, completely unenjoyable milkshake that's being sucked out of your mouth at a rapid speed. Yes, just like that. Thank you. Oh, you didn't want me to spew toothpaste everywhere? I thought blowing was sucking in reverse, you know.

Oh, to be hepped up on goofballs

Whatever happened to Mini-Thins? You probably can't get them anymore, can you? I mean, because of the ephedrine and all. I remember that you had to be 18 (supposedly) to buy them, but I wonder what the cut off age is that says you're getting too old for this shit? Probably also 18. They were big amongst my group of friends in highschool, not that that's saying much. They'd make me feel like jumping around and skipping merrily, and like I could smoke way more than usual without the consequences (which I'm sure was the recommended idea for this "asthma treatment".) But you had to watch out because depending on how many you took, you could really crash hard afterwards. I suppose this was one of the more minor dumbass things I did at the time.

That "just rolled out of bed" look

Q: You've got wild hair today, did you do something different?

A: Yes, I think it was the masturbating that did it.

Life's a garden, dig it!

I haven't been writing or using the computer as much lately - what's happening to me? Well, you haven't missed much. I've just been spending more time outside, pulling out weeds and dead stuff from the garden while sneezing incessantly. My mom came over on Saturday and we spent the better part of the day working on it, which still is only a dent in all we need to do. It was great to have her help and advice though. While we were doing that, J got us a nice new mailbox, tore out the old box and post and put the new one in, so we no longer have one that's leaning precariously to the side with its door hanging open. Yay!
I even chatted with a few of our neighbors a bit yesterday. I'm sure I made a great impression given that I hadn't showered or put makeup on yet, was wearing grubby gardening clothes and was sniffling like crazy from allergies. Oh well, they were really nice and hopefully I didn't scare them off for good.
So, as you can see it's just boring regular kind of stuff going on over here. But hey, just look at these purty-purty flowers that have popped up behind our house over the last couple weeks!






More to come...

The Homemade Bong Experiment

Oh, I forgot what I was going to tell you.

*Cough*

Not exactly a poem

Not exactly depressed.
Not the time to be hormonally moody.
Wouldn't say I'm coming down with something.
There isn't all that much pressure to speak of.
Can't say I'm necessarily angry.
But.
Still.
Life's little irritants,
Like the leftovers in the back of the fridge
That you want to just forget about
Are still there,
Lurking and starting to get stinky,
They're taking over and ruining the things that were good
Until you just have to deal with them
And I'm in the mood
To throw everything away

Yours is a butt that won't quit

I'm very low on energy today, so if I haven't written you or have only half-assed written to you, sorry about that. Me sleepy. No writey good.

So I'll just bring up some TV stuff.
It's easy for me to get hooked on these HBO & Showtime original series. Only, it seems like I don't watch the ones that virtually everyone else does, like "The Sopranos" "Six Feet Under" or "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or whatever it is you kids are watching these days. However, I've recently become rather into HBO's new series "Big Love" - you know, the one about polygamy, starring Bill Paxton? I think I become easily intrigued with alternative lifestyles, and alright, it's the drama too. It's really quite interesting and worth checking out. If I wasn't so out of it, I'd give you a better review.

I'd also gladly discuss "The L Word" "Deadwood" or "Weeds" with you, should you have an interest in them.
But right now, I can't really focus on much of anything - especially work, which reminds me - I have some to do. Blurrghh.

Coincidence?

It's been awhile since I've had some fortune cookie wisdom to share. But today the consensus was: chinese food for lunch! And lookee what I got:

Think of the danger while things are going smoothly.

Ah, yes. Thank you for that little tidbit. So, continue on with my paranoia and neuroses you say? Don't mind if I do!

The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste

Last night I had a dream that someone put a cigarette (a camel light to be specific) in my mouth and lit it. It felt so real. I nodded with gratitude, this way I could say it wasn't my own doing. But, I took a deep drag and it tasted bad (this has been happening more and more in my smoking dreams lately.) Thanks, conscience.

Speaking of dreams, last week I had some real disturbing ones. But this was on a day that I had taken a nap, which I don't do so much anymore - and it seems that I tend to have very odd dreams while napping. The kind that make it even more difficult to return to reality. I can't remember all of the details (wish I had written about it then) but it started out with some hot lesbian canoodling with most of the cast of The L Word, but then things took a horrible turn. It was like we were all playing this assassin game, only it turned out to not really be a game. This scary pro-wrestler dude (why the fuck was he there?) had drawn my name and came after me with this small rusty chainsaw, yelling to me that there was no point in running. The awful part, folks, is that when he caught up with me, I could actually feel the heat and the gnarly saw's teeth against my neck. He was going to cut my head off, and all I did was close my eyes and hope that it would be over soon. Really disturbing.

I swear, people. I hardly ever watch horror movies - in fact I tend to get not just disturbed but downright pissed at some of the previews for the shock horror movies that have come out lately. There's enough shit in real life or in dreams that scares the hell out of me, thank you.

Oblivion

It's pretty cute when J and his brother have the same video game and need to discuss gaming matters over the phone. J gets rather animated and can give a glowing, accurate, and sometimes mindbogglingly complete review of a game he enjoys, more thorough than any gaming site I've ever seen.

We were out shopping last week when his brother called to let him know he had just bought this game that J had recommended. A half hour conversation ensued as I kept shopping, once in a while wandering off with the cart or looking at him quizzically as I pointed first at one item, then another, then just said screw it and dropped whatever it was into the cart while he chatted.

When we got out to the car and he hung up, he smiled at me "Sorry I was on the phone so long, honey. I hope I didn't embarrass you."
"No no - I know you don't get to talk to your brother that often..."
"But...?" he said, and we both started to laugh.
"But if I have to hear another damn word about 'mages', 'magicka' or 'throwing fireballs' while we're in public, I'm going to have to pretend I don't know you."

Don't judge me by my pants

Ughh. Ever have one of those mornings where you leave the house knowingly making a bad clothing choice? Only since you're still in your morning grogginess mode, you tell yourself that you don't really care? Until you get a little ways down the road and see yourself in natural light, and then you do care but it's too late to turn around and go back? Or worse, you don't see the true hideousness of your outfit until you're under the flourescent lights at work? Oh, of course you don't. But I do.

I'm stuck in that clothing limbo right now. While it's becoming more and more apparent that I need to buy some new clothes that are ahem, a bit larger; I'm still giving myself this shred of hope that my fattiness is only temporary and I'll soon be fitting into my old clothes. Then again, my old clothes aren't worth much of a shit and are mostly clearance rack items anyway, so I don't know why it matters. Guhh.

So I've got these "nice" gray pants on with a very thin, subtle pink stripe in them that I haven't even owned for very long. They have a winning combination of being a tad tight around the waist along with being too short (I also have a knack for shrinking pants in the dryer.) So, I yank them down a bit to cover my glaringly ridiculous light pink socks (with black shoes, thus giving me that good ol 80s Michael Jackson look) and then with pants sitting at hip level, it's "hello there, belly flab!" Which might not be that noticable if I didn't also have a thin, ill-fitting pink sweater on (which, it turns out - is the wrong shade of pink to wear with these pants anyway.)

Please, just avert your eyes if I have to walk past you, okay?

Oh, like you didn't think that

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mute

The days that I need closeness the most are the days that I can't bring myself to reach out for it.

Not babysitter material

So, the weekend visit with the brother went okay. It felt like we really didn't get much of a chance to talk, but I guess neither of us are very big talkers anyhow. Or we just don't know how to instigate a conversation sometimes. Also, there was a bit of awkwardness with his girlfriend and her 8 year old daughter being there. The good thing was that the girl really liked us, the bad (well I don't know if I can even say bad, just kind of again, awkward) thing was that she was getting really clingy with me. And they didn't seem to care or you know, get her off of me, but whatever. Oh now, I know what you're thinking - "aww, she liked you, don't be mean about it". It's true that as much as I don't feel like a "kid person" they do have a way of melting my childless, cold-ass heart. Damn kids. Making me like them and stuff.

For some reason, it seems as if I'm always the one that both dogs and children run to. They will single me out of a crowd even when I try to blend in. Don't get me wrong - I like kids. I like dogs. But sometimes I have similar problems with both.

Like, you know when people have a particularly jumpy dog they'll usually try to hold them back and keep them off of their guests? I appreciate that. Honestly, I was for the most part terrified of dogs as a kid and while I was never bitten - being growled at and jumped on or knocked over pretty much scared the shit out of me on several occasions. I suppose it didn't help that I'd shriek and pull my hands up, but hey - we never had a dog before - I didn't know what to do. Anyways, point being - not everyone is a "dog person" or will know how to keep your dog under control if it freaks out and I really don't think they should have to. I think most owners are considerate of that fact.

Same goes for children. It's kinda nice when parents restrain them from jumping on you and stuff. Most parents are considerate when visiting other people's homes that do not have kids, and note that perhaps this isn't a place to let them run around willy-nilly and out of control, even if that's what they do at home. I'm not saying the kids should have to be bored out of their minds and sit there being seen and not heard. I'm saying that when you visit someone with your kid - who these people have never met - you might want to maybe give them something to occupy themselves with and like, maybe pay attention to what they're doing so your hosts don't have to become the mean old babysitter. You know? I don't mean to sound like some old bitch. I just mean like, do you let your kids just wander into other people's bedrooms or mess with their things or with their pets? And we've had friends before who have come over with their child (and I understand that they need a break and want to visit with the adults and everything, but...) then sort of ignore them while they try to pull expensive electronics off of shelves, or beat on things, or just shrug when their kid knocks shit over that he shouldn't have been messing with, and look at you like it's your fault that your house wasn't childproof. It just seems to put us in an uncomfortable situation. But you know...

Anyways, point - if there is one - is that both my brother and his girlfriend have quite complacent or maybe just apathetic personalities. While this sometimes may seem like a good coping mechanism among chaos, it can lead to bad things, too. I'm just a bit worried about the fact that they are due to have a baby in another few months and they're kinda like "eh, whatever." They are both in their 30s and I don't feel that I'm one to give them advice. I don't expect them to change their lifestyle and I certainly can't talk as I don't have kids of my own and I haven't always made the wisest choices in my own life. I do hope for the best for them, and it was nice to have them visit - but also nice to have them go.

Oh, what's this?

Life in the backyard! We haven't even like, done anything yet yard or gardenwise (obviously, but like I said - it's just been getting tolerable here recently) but look - suddenly there's life! Stuff is growing everywhere! Flowers and - I kid you not - sightings of fluffy little bunner-buns hippity-hopping through our backyard. It's crazy - especially after having lived in apartments for 15 or more years. Yardwaste receptacles? Proper drainage? Spring leaf & brush pickup? Lawn chemicals? Holy crap, this owning a home thing is still sinking in. Yikes!

Uncharacteristically excited about the weather

Do you smell that April freshness? It's muhhfukkin spring, yo! (Yeah, that's right - just now it is. I know, it's a little late when you live up here.)

Which means:
- Temperatures occasionally above freezing!
- Allergies, complete with sneezing fits that go something like this: aauhh-chew, aauhh-chew-wee, aauhh-cha-heww! High pollen alerts!
- What do I wear???
- The office's blinds have been slightly adjusted for peepin the outdoors - ooh, hello sunny parking lot! Hi there, dilapidated house next door without window coverings, nice to see ya!
- Our (indoor) cat is meh-meh-ing to go outside - much snoofing to be done and grass to be eaten and horked up later!


- I don't know the first thing about gardening and there's flowers n' stuff growing outside - don't eat it, kitty!
- Taxes - while questionably accurate - are DONE!
- Mmmm, don't you look sexy out there grillin'!
- Commence the mating rituals! Snoo-snoo! Rumpy-pumpy! Hubba-hubba! Mrrrowwrr-mrroww!

Pulling my hair out won't help

I tend to get anxious and sometimes depressed when there's about to be a family gathering of some kind. My brother and his pregnant girlfriend and her daughter from a previous relationship will be coming to visit. They won't even be spending the night with us, so I shouldn't be worried about it. The more I sit and stew on it, the worse I'll feel. So once again, I'm venting my thoughts here in hopes that I will feel better after attempting to put my feelings into words.

I feel ashamed, because I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'll only make it worse. I used to think of myself as warm, caring and forgiving. Very forgiving - to a fault I guess you could say. But time has passed, and I've grown accustomed to my pouty, unforgiving ways. The worst is that it's towards my family - who I really should be closest and most forgiving with.

It's not a good time to bring up this old shit, but it really never will be. I really should do the civil thing and swallow my feelings and smile. But then you know, there's that whole resentment thing. And it shows, as much as I try to hide it.

There just eventually came a point in my life where I realized that I had been making excuses for my brother for so long, trying to put him in a good light, covering up the things I know he did... that it became a burden on me. But I know it's not fair to just be secretly angry because it's my problem that I haven't quite come to terms with. Actually, later in life we've become more of friends with each other. I should know he's sorry even if we can't talk about it... right? I think we tried to once, and I just couldn't deal with it, it broke my heart and felt embarrassing to hear him apologize and I just quickly smoothed it over like it never was a big deal to me. So why is this bothering me now? I mean, he's grown up and changed - sort of. What do I even want to come from this? Do I want him to feel awful all over again for things he did that made me feel awful? No, not really. Do I want to shut him out of my life the way he did with us for so many years? A little. Do I want him to be happy now that he's becoming a father? Of course I do, but I can't say the idea doesn't worry me. Do I want to grab him and shake him and tell him he's done some really stupid shit? Yeah, sometimes. But you know what? There will always be people that will feel that way towards him, and I don't think that's what I'm meant to do. I feel like I'm meant to be the voice of reason and understanding. But sometimes, I just don't feel up to it the way I used to. Like now.
This is only as big of a deal as I make it. Then again, in my little world things are always a big deal.

Toilet-trees

Alright, then. We're keepin it in the bathroom, folks. I normally am not one to participate in your meme-ery, but as you may know, I do have an interest in bathroom products. In fact, whether it's my mom or boyfriend - whoever I live with is usually subjected to an annoying amount of products lining the bathtub, along with several drawers and shelves worth of shampoo, bodywash, perfume, lotion, etc. And who can turn down a tagging from El Diablo de Verde when he asks so nicely?

1. Body soap?

I try something new all the time, but right now it's SoftSoap Pomegranate & Mango bodywash (it's sweet but not sickeningly sweet) and Dial Green Tea & Vitamin E bodywash (it's nice and fresh-smelling and not so girly, so the boyfriend can use it too).

2. Face wash?

Aveeno skin brightening scrub & Olay daily face wash for sensitive skin

3. Shampoo?

Also changes frequently, but me and the boyfriend both like L'oreal Vive for frequent use - smells fresh and citrus-y!

4. Moisturizer?

Dove for sensitive skin

5. Cologne/Perfume?

Breathe Romance by Bath & Body Works, various others depending on my mood

6. Deodorant/Anti-perspirant?

I'm not too particular, but Ban, Lady Mitchum & Lady Speed Stick are decent

7. Toothpaste?

Colgate

8. Mouthwash?

Cool Mint Listerine

9. Razor?

some kinda Schick or imitation of

10. Shaving cream?

n/a

11. Aftershave?

n/a

12. Missed anything?

- Hmm, I like this orange hair goo I have called Potion 9 by Sebastian. It smells good and helps control the frizzies. It's probably the only item among these that's over $10, because I'm cheap, bitches! If I could afford it, I'd probably buy Aveda or Bumble & Bumble goodies.
- Oh, and it'll totally throw off my day if I don't have Q-tips for my ears, especially right after showering.

13. Whose bathroom shall we raid next?
Whoever is willing, please join in and let me know! But if I must call some of you out, then so be it. Just you know, do it if you want to and let me know or whatever. No pressure.

A few ladies:
SayUnderpants
Beckalicious
Grafs

A couple fellers:
HemisphereDancer
Will

*Bonus Questions*

14. Do you prefer a bath or a shower?
Our new place has a double-sized (double-wide?) shower, which is fine with me although I did like the occasional bubble-bath.

15. Your most disliked fragrances (air-freshener or otherwise)?
As we discussed in the last post, fakey vanilla stuff (just gives me a headache) and I've never been too fond of rose-scented stuff either.

"It smells like burning"

I'm not too fond of the people at work lighting matches in the bathroom to cover their poo smell. Granted, I don't really want to smell their poo either, but it's a relatively small office and this tends to just make other people freak out because they think something is on fire. I go out in the hallway to make copies and my eyes and nose are instantly burning with the smell of flaming poo.
A new addition has also been made to the line up of bad air fresheners in the bathroom. Someone brought in one of those el-cheapo vanilla body sprays, perhaps a rejected Christmas gift? Unlike most people, I'm not a big fan of the fakey vanilla fragrances to begin with. Combined with the other smells, we might as well just have some old guy hanging out in the bathroom puffing on some vanilla pipe tobacco. Blech.


* If you liked this smelly topic, be sure to check out the similar fragrance of this one!

Unreflected

I'm just floating around aimlessly, don't mind me. I don't know what to say. I keep worrying that I say all the wrong things, or I've said stuff in a way that didn't properly reflect how I meant it. I think I scare people away. So uhh, it comes from being a hermit and I'm sorry.

It was a rotten day for talking about my health. At the doctor's office, I was painfully aware of how all the nurses & lab techs were younger/prettier/perkier/have better jobs than me. You see where I'm going with this. My self image is not at it's best during this time of my cycle to begin with. Of course the only available magazine in the waiting room was Seventeen - which normally I would just snicker at, but today felt like a reminder of how uncool and out of touch I am. Then it was time to step on the scale. Looking at those awful red digits come up was both suprising and (after rubbing eyes and looking again) terribly disconcerting. I'm really embarrassed at how much I've let myself go in the last few years, and it all seems to be catching up with me now. Left alone in the exam room I frowned at myself in the mirror, noticed how my makeup seemed so much less than flattering under the flourescent lights than it had at home, and tried rather unsuccessfully to smooth my windblown hair. The doctor was nice as usual, and nothing about it really should've made me feel bad. But I'm afraid the most likely result of this will be "Based on our tests, it turns out you're just a lazy and sad little piggy. You don't need medicine, you need a kick in the pants."

Abracadabra

Oh, farts. I'm nervous again. But that's just kinda my way, you know?

1. There could be a possible visit by my estranged brother this coming weekend. It is currently unknown if he will be bringing his pregnant girlfriend whom I have not yet met, or the two children from her previous relationship. I feel a bit uncomfortable, will possibly explain more about that later.
2. You know, I figured I should probably like get on with doing the taxes and whatnot, ya know? But I only got so far before I ran into something different than in previous years. We're both on the mortgage for our new home, and we're not married. Do we have to decide which one of us claims the shit or split the amount in half and hope the feds figure it out? Do we still get to use the EZ forms? Bleh.
   
3. I get to go to the doctor tomorrow and see if they can tell me if my thyroid has truly gone bonkers. When I went in December for a general exam, the NP mentioned on my way out that my thyroid "felt a bit enlarged" and passed me off to the lab to have blood drawn without much of an explanation. I received a card with a check next to "normal" but then why did my throat feel funny and why am I showing several warning signs of a thyroid problem, along with it running in my family? Huh?
4. My boss will return tomorrow from vacation and hopefully I didn't forget or fuck up anything beyond repair in his absence.
   

Comparing apples to oranges

The last thing I want to do is push people away, especially when I need them so badly. I wish I didn't, but I do. I've got to stop doing this shit where I compare myself and my life to others and their lives. It only makes me miserable and dissatisfied. I'll think that they do it too, that they see me as less than themselves. But, you know? Maybe they don't. It's not fair to do to myself or anyone else.
There's just a certain place I thought I'd be in by this point in my life. But you know, if I had even half the motivation of an average person - maybe I'd be there by now. If I stop and think, there are things to be desired, but my life isn't too shabby. I can't get jealous because surely everyone has had to struggle in their own way - it only looks easy from the outside.


whether you fall
means nothing at all
it's whether you get up
it's whether you get up...

Inconsequential Stuff

• Jon Stewart is a DILF. Just thought you should know - mrrowwr!
  
• I like Stephen Colbert quite a bit too.
  
• I probably should not be allowed to have those sugary imitation coffee drinks, like I did yesterday
• I've still got dangly plastic bits hanging off of my car cause I haven't gotten it fixed since the little incident.
  
• And I still haven't done our fucking taxes - shit!
  
• I've got too much butt for these jeans
• I can still smell his shaving cream from this morning's kisses - mmm.
  
• Hormone levels may have temporarily returned to normal.