Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So I went to Spain...

and made it back! It was overall fantastico. We just got in the night before last, so I'm still feeling a little off but not too bad. Glad to be home to see family and the kitties (they've had a lot to say since we got back - mostly talking to us during the wee hours of the morning), but feeling a little bit of the letdown/back to regular boring work and stuff blah blah.

You guys, I had never seen mountains in person before. Never been able to dip my toes in an actual sea and not just a lake. Hadn't been in another country. So much new stuff! It was a bit daunting at times, but mostly I think I did alright and had minimal freak-outs. J was a wonderful travel companion, encouraging me and just being great. I'm glad he had been there before so at least one of us knew what to expect and where to go.

This is the rooftop view from the first hotel we stayed in (would've stayed more than 2 nights if it had been available!) It wasn't like a traditional hotel but several different buildings, each with rooftop terraces where they serve you breakfast in the morning. We had jamón sandwiches, fresh fruit and yogurt, muffins, and nice strong coffee. All of it was very good, but even if the food hadn't been great, the service and the view are excellent. (Hmm, this is sort of sounding like a review. Maybe I should hop over to TripAdvisor to share my comments, as that's where I did a lot of reading up on things before this trip.)

So I'm posting this a little later than planned and will put more pictures and stuff in the next post. Still getting back on track. Today is what? Friday?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Holy frijoles

Oh man, if I actually wrote as much as I thought about writing... well, I would've written some damn things by now, wouldn't I?

There certainly has been no shortage in the nervousness department or the uh, thinking department. The doing? Well, not so much. But I'm working on it.

The really good news is that J and I are going to Spain. We'll be in a lovely little town in the Costa del Sol for a little over a week, and then in Madrid for a couple of days before we fly back home. The bad... well, not really bad but the extreme worries are:
  • Holy shit, we leave in a week! Not ready! 
  • I have only flown once in my life, and that was just under 20 years ago.
  • I'm trying to refresh myself on as much Spanish as I can, which I think will be helpful even though there will most likely be a lot of English-speaking people there. But still, I'm worried that I will make an ass out of myself, get lost, accidentally order us 100 euros worth of pig ears, reinforce the "typical American" stereotype? I don't know, etc. 
  • What frickin shoes do I bring? And my clothes? I hate almost everything I own. 
  • Will our cats be okay? (Well, I mean - we're not leaving them to fend for themselves, but they will have a lot more alone time between check-ins.)
  •  What if we miss a flight? What if TSA takes my nervous/awkwardness as trying to hide something? What if, what if, what if? 
Then again, what if... this ends up being a big ol' facing of a whole bunch of fears that in the end, gives me a boost in confidence? I'm certainly not saying this isn't an awesome opportunity - the odds are stacked towards having a great time. I'm just a mix of excited and terrified! Iieeeee!

      Friday, March 18, 2011


      Had another one of those dreams last night that I realize I've had over and over, just with slight variations. Sort of along the lines of those dreams where you need to run but can't. This is the one where the bad guys are getting closer and closer, and there's no time to escape but you still try to hide - with varied results. Usually the only place to hide in is a laughably weak hideout, like behind a curtain but the outline of a body is obvious or your feet are sticking out. But you just stay still and hold your breath and hope that if you keep thinking "I'm invisible, I'm invisible" that maybe you somehow will be. But at the same time, you're just bracing yourself for getting shot or worse. I assume that's fueled by a combo of feelings of anxiety, helplessness, and replaying something that happens in movies all the time.

      Then again, I also had some dream last night where I asked Gwyneth Paltrow if she knew all the words to all the Coldplay songs. (Of course she does.) I think my mind likes to throw me a freebie sometimes to lighten things up.

      So, I'm feeling grumbly about family visits. In theory it sounds like a good happy time, and I do care about my family - but the closer it gets the more I feel my guts clench up and find myself wanting to toss the phone across the room whenever it rings. My dad has a tendency to be somewhat spontaneous with his visits, which drives me up the wall. But this time, I've had the whole week to plan on him visiting this weekend. I've been in a pretty foul mood this last week too, which means I've prepared for his visit in the worst way possible - by replaying everything that made me irritated and uncomfortable from the last visit. (I'm sorry, I have to get this off my chest here: He had said around noon that he and my brother would come over after lunch and that maybe we could watch a movie and have dinner, which was fine. Except that it was like 6 or 7 hours later (that we're waiting around not eating dinner and wondering what's going on) that he finally called and said "yeah, we decided to just go see a movie and I shut my phone off. I think we'll just call it a night and see you tomorrow." The next day we were all getting together at my mom's, and I called and let her know I was running late, but still he greeted me at the door with this miffed expression and "What, did you get lost?" and then since my almosthusband hadn't come along, he wouldn't let that drop and said "So is he intimidated by us?" Which, the nerve! Also not winning any points was that at some point I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom, and he came up and just kept squeezing my sides/love handles. Cringe. I know, these are all things that perhaps a typical family does. But we are not that type of family. I feel sad from an objective point of view: this dad that wishes his family was a certain way and so he just pretends it is, while not seeing the reality. But we don't have the type of relationship where it's cool with me if he just shows up whenever, and we may hug but we're not like, affectionate. The way a typical dad would tease his daughter or give dadly advice is for people that are/were a lot closer. I feel bad that we aren't closer, but in this situation it just feels like boundaries are being crossed, and it has the effect of me wanting to create more distance. And I don't help either. When I'm with him, I'm thinking "I forgive you for acting that way, you must not realize how it comes across" but then obviously from all that I've just written - I stew on it and am angry about it afterward.)

      It will probably be fine and I'm just dwelling on the bad stuff like I usually do. But still, part of me wants to quick make other plans. Or run away.

      Thursday, March 03, 2011

      Just write

      I still haven't figured out what you're supposed to do when all the feelings feel like too much. When none of the quiet music or deep breaths feel particularly soothing and the blood pressure headache starts to build up behind the eyes. When part of me wants to crumble into tears, and part of me is too full of rage to sit still. I am not one to purposely break things, but in my head there's a build-up that shattering all our dinner plates could only start to release. Trying to explain what's going on feels like a bad dream - you're trying to convey something serious, but people only respond as if you're saying something both ridiculous and hilarious. I hate that even to me, it feels so serious at the time until the feeling just runs it's course. The only way I feel I can explain to most people is that I'm not well. Notice: I am not well and as such will be unable to take visitors or be in the vicinity of the general public until further notice. So, carry on, then. I'm sick, but not in a way that's really acceptable or has a simple explanation. Oh shit, it's probably just a chemical imbalance, the stupid change in hormones. Well, I guess that is a simple explanation, but not one I can give to everyone and expect to be met with understanding and acceptance.