Thursday, July 28, 2005

20 random quirks

Some stuff that you may not know about me, didn't want to know, or were afraid to ask...

  1. I have a thing for sideburns. (On a man, and within reason)
  2. I don't like feet. In general.
  3. I'm really short. (5'2")
  4. I went through the following music phases: techno; rap; grunge; industrial; punk; pop; classic rock; ambient, etc. Now I just listen to what I like, no matter what category it's in.
  5. My first real job was at a used CD store.
  6. I still have raging hormones. This can be good and bad.
  7. I'm a bargain shopper.
  8. I am not as "domestic" as I'd like to be.
  9. My ass is on the internet.
  10. I enjoy reading sexy stories. Not the typical romance novels that your mom reads, though.
  11. Years ago, I had a very bad mushroom trip.
  12. Dogs and kids seem to like me, but I've never had either.
  13. I have no tatooes or piercings (other than standard ear piercing).
  14. I have an acute sense of smell. Sometimes I wish I didn't.
  15. I'm somewhat of a homebody (this is probably obvious).
  16. I try to color-coordinate my undergarments with my clothing each day.
  17. I find both men and women attractive.
  18. I develop crushes on people easily.
  19. I used to love to sing and dance.
  20. I have a hard time making decisions.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

The little things mean a lot

Check it.
I always seem to be missing the boat. I discover something that I think is cool, long after it's either been played out or is already gone. That totally sucks. Take the Ali G show for instance, is it over for good? Is everyone else sick of it? They don't even rerun it on HBO anymore. It was some funny shit, people! What about Dr. Katz on Comedy Central? Alright, well I watched that while it was actually being aired, but still it sucks that it's gone.

Going back even further, I became intrigued with the freakiness of Twin Peaks about 10 years too late and had to watch all the episodes on shitty VHS tapes that the guy at the video store was nice enough to loan me from his personal collection. Everyone else already knew the mystery of who killed Laura Palmer. Damn! Where was I? Oh yeah, probably wasn't allowed to watch it yet. That's probably a good thing. It tripped me out enough in later years.

Coming in too late in the game also applies to the blogging world. There have been quite a few blogs that I've discovered but haven't bothered linking to, because these people haven't written since 2004. Maybe we could've been friends. It's always the people that I had something in common with that disappear. Maybe they would've been the whip-shit, but it's too late now. That makes me sad. But like, I think it's one of these days where everything makes me sad. I get the feeling people don't like it when I write about being sad. But I never know what posts are going to go over well. I forgot that I was supposed to just write in here like it was my diary. I forgot that I don't need to censor myself. You bloggers and blog-lurkers mean too much to me. I just can't imagine what you think, so I gotta stop worrying about it. You brighten my day and I wish I could give more back to you. I want to know you better, but not in the creepy stalker kind of way. And sometimes I think that's how I come across but really, I mean well. Sometimes I just can't find the right words.

Monday, July 25, 2005

I'm not staring!

So we were having dinner on the patio at a restaurant the other day. I personally am not a big fan of the dining al fresco but it was tolerable. As I may have mentioned before, sometimes I don't know what it is, but I catch myself staring at people. So there's this guy at the table behind us, he's slightly obnoxious and not bad looking but that's not the point. My eyes get drawn to his crotch. I look away. I'm so rude! But what is that? There's something in his lap area. I look again. EEK! I think I see a big gnarly nutsack hanging out of his shorts. Ughh. It's all big and mishapen. I look away. That can't be. Good Lord, what if my mom turns around? I've got to sneak another peek. I look back and it could just be he's just holding his hand in a weird way on his lap. Then it moves as he's talking and I see it is a hand but there are only two fingers on it. Well now I have to look away. Cause that's just rude to stare at a guy who's missing some fingers. He could've been very insulted by my staring. Then I would've had to tell him that my eyes are bad and I thought his gimpy hand was a deformed nutsack hanging out of his shorts. I wonder if he's ever heard that one before. Yeah, I don't think that would make things any better. So I shifted my gaze, but then I felt his eyes on me. I peeked and saw he had a slight smile and was sitting with his legs further apart, facing in my direction. I really need to stop staring at people's crotches....

Gettin hot

So hot. The air is so thick. Scantily-clad people everywhere. Men with deep tans and makeshift sleeveless shirts. Or bare chested. Going commando in some thin shorts. Showing off their tatts. Ladies with the sundresses and no need for undergarments. Getting perky when they come indoors. Smooth skin begging to be touched. The joggers with their firm summer asses. Hot pants that barely cover the cheeks. The mussed-up hairdos. The smell of suntan lotion. Sweaty people inhaling each other's pheromones. The hungry stares. The incoherent attempts at flirting. The need to hook up. The urge to get freaky. The longing for a summer fling.

Oh, to be young again....

Friday, July 22, 2005

Back up offa me

Work (and other shit) has seriously interfered with my (blogging) activities today. I guess I'd just rather be surfin the blog world than face the reality of my life right now. Not that it matters. Yeah, I know that sounds unhealthy. Shut up!

The boss going on vacation should always be a good thing, not a "thanks a lot for leaving me with all this shit you didn't explain but will be pissed if it doesn't get done" kind of thing. Eh, but that's how it goes. I'll manage to kick ass while he's gone. Hopefully.

Oh, and the pressure from my family. That helps! I love them, I really do. I just can't deal with the guilt trips right now. If I didn't care, it wouldn't work on me. But damnit, I'm a grown woman! I forget that at times.

Wonderful. It's Friday, it's beautiful out - and now I have a headache and feel the vomit rising to my throat. Lovely way to start a weekend.

"Show 'em your mean face"

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Halfway there

Yeah, that's right. I'm back to work and I'm just so healthy I can't stand it. That's why I just went to the gas station for lunch. I got a diet Sprite, a "snack size" turkey sandwich and a pack of Camel Lights. Wow, I know. But at least it wasn't the usual burger or HotPocket. Everyone gives me shit for liking the HotPockets. What? Meat, cheese, occasionally a vegetable, all in a crispy flaky crust? How can you go wrong? Well okay, you could get the philly steak & cheese or the pizza kind - my least favorite selections. My boss called them my PalmPockets once, and I had to give him shit for that.
If I could just maybe change one of my bad habits maybe I would be a better person. Like eating crap wouldn't be so bad if I drank lots of water. Or didn't smoke. But for now... well I guess I'm just not too good at depriving myself of things.

Anyways, as I was out I saw one of those personalized license plates that doesn't fit the vehicle. It said BONJOVI but was on what looked like a somewhat new and shiny beige Dodge Grand Caravan. I guess it "doesn't make a difference if we make it or not," but if we do we're getting that license plate we've always wanted!

This family knows how to rock!

But here's a license plate that really goes with the car/owner. I've seen this around town several times, but haven't gotten a glimpse of the owner. It's a nice shiny Lexus SUV of some sort, I'm assuming it's brand new or just stays meticulously clean and has tinted windows. It was parked, so fittingly, in front of the "aesthetic surgery" office. The license plate?


Too perfect.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Naughty Humor

While I'm working on something of my own to post, I thought you might enjoy this little rant from an older issue of The Onion, or perhaps you'll be horribly offended....but come on, it's written so eloquently!

A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off

By Charles Dubno

"I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne'er-do-wells from whom one expects coarse speech, but among gentlemen of letters and esteem. I have, with my own ears, several times in the past week, heard the elder sons of prominent families introduce into mixed company subjects formerly reserved for private discussion among gentlemen. It pains me even to raise this point, but following a string of recent events, there is no question that the adage bears repeating: A gentleman ought never to disclose who sucked him off.

This needn't mean a gentleman must limit the discussion of his exploits to his journal. If a gentleman has met a young lady and taken her to his digs, it is his right and privilege to tell his friends and coworkers about the encounter. However, it is the mark of a true gentleman to omit his lady friend's name from the discussion of her pussy's tightness.

Why, I had assumed that this custom and others like it were universal and well understood, but as long as I am spelling out the Rules of the Gentleman, allow me to introduce several other equally important but oft-neglected guidelines.

Should a gentleman find himself alone with a lady, he should not simply undo his pants and come in her hole. A gentleman knows that it is good manners to coax his lady friend's heels as far above her head as they will go, to "split the reed," and perhaps to turn his lady over and give it to her "doggy style." A gentleman knows that a true lady enjoys a moderate amount of hair-pulling and ass-grabbing, taking these attentions as marks of affection and virility. However, a gentleman knows where to draw the line. He never lodges his lady friend's head between the couch cushions.

A gentleman occasionally will have more than one guest at his home. Should he see that jealousy is breeding between the two ladies whom he is hosting, a gentleman does not say, "Whoa, ladies, there's enough of me to go around!" The gentleman, valuing decorum and discretion above all else in his paramours, gently guides his guests' heads from his penis and informs them that if they do not act like ladies, he will have to ask them both to leave.

When up to his nuts in a lady's guts, a gentleman knows that it is quite impolite to smoke, talk politics, or take phone calls. Should his cell phone ring, the gentleman says, "Excuse me, I need to take this." He withdraws his penis from his lady friend and keeps his phone conversation brief. When he has completed his call, a gentleman gently reinserts his dick into his lady.

Of course, a gentleman who is not a smoker keeps an ashtray on his balcony for his lady friends who wish to smoke.

It should go without saying that, once he has arranged for a paid lady of the night to meet him at his home, a gentleman does not jerk off several times while awaiting her arrival, in order to "get his money's worth."

A gentleman knows that accidents happen. While it is an unfortunate and boorish behavior that should be kept to a minimum, a gentleman always apologizes to a lady after he mistakenly shoots his load inside of her.

A gentleman never comes in a lady's eyes.

While he knows that a lady gets pleasure out of pleasuring him, and he will occasionally increase the intensity of that pleasure by gentle force, a gentleman will never choke a woman on his cock.

If a gentleman wishes to attend to a lady's pleasure through oral manipulation, no matter what the state of affairs below, he always politely completes his task. A gentleman ought never to fan his hand in the air, grimace and make a show of removing a pubic hair from his teeth, or compare his lady friend's vulva to two strips of partially grilled fajita meat.

A gentleman knows that it is considered good manners to have an unopened toothbrush on hand for his lady friend, in the event that she should like to freshen up after eating his ass.

Breeding needn't amount to priggishness. On the contrary, a gentleman knows that good old-fashioned manners will likely increase his social engagements, once word gets out that he is not one to splooge and tell. But I beg the reader, for the sake of tradition and all that is decent, to remember that a true gentleman does not ever, under any circumstances, go ass to mouth."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Honk if you're horny!

I am horrible...
Yeah, I know - ducks don't honk, they quack but whatever.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Dang ol' dang!

I've resorted to this redneck humor! What's become of me? Ack! Guess I needed a laugh. (These were forwarded by email, but original site credit is printed on the pictures.)

Redneck Cat Carrier

Redneck Port-A-Potty

Redneck Lottery Winner

Redneck Car Lock

Monday, July 11, 2005

Happy Birthday honey!

It's the 6th birthday we've spent together.
We've had our ups and downs in between,
but always more good times than bad.
He still makes me laugh so hard that my face hurts, just like when we first met.
He gets my weird sense of humor.
He calms my nervous thoughts.
He impresses me with his cooking skills.
He even cuts the fatty bits off of my steak!

Here's to many more birthdays together.
I love you Justin!

Friday, July 08, 2005

Immaculate Misconceptions

Or "The beginning of my naughty mind"

I was raised Catholic and conservative. There were things we just didn't talk about. It wasn't til later in life that I realized how different and open other parents were, but you know - it was how things were and felt normal.
However, I was never afraid to ask my parents questions. Questions they wished I wouldn't ask!

"Mom, what's a flasher? How can a man have sex with another man - do they just rub their thingies together? Were you a virgin before dad?"
"Dad, what's a masochist? Will I ever have big boobies? When did you and mom first have sex?"
And it goes on like this. I have to give them some credit for trying to come up with answers for an 8-11 year old, or however old I was. Well, I had two older brothers and I would hear things but wouldn't get the whole story! I also would read any young adult books that I could get my hands on that might mention sex. I was curious!

But back before all that, I remember a conversation I had with my mom which shows just how misled I was, but then again I was probably only 6 or 7. We were riding in the car and something I heard on the radio must've sparked this discussion.

Me (in my best imitation of my mother's tsk-tsk voice, and shaking my head in disbelief): "Mom, isn't it just awful that these days, people think the only way to have a baby is to have sex?"
She couldn't help turning to me in surprise and while fighting back the laughter. "Jess, sex is the way people make babies"
I was horrified. "But you told me that you prayed to have me!"
Mom: "Well, I did. I prayed that we'd be blessed with a healthy little girl. But that's not all it takes."
Me: "So that means... you and Dad had sex?" (I said that like it was a crime. All I knew previously about sex was that it's bad and don't do it.)
Me: "But wait a minute, what about the Virgin Mary? Isn't that a true story?"
Mom: "Well, that's different. But... I'm not telling you more about sex until you're older. We weren't supposed to have this talk so soon."

So that was that. For a while. I found other ways of getting my information. But still it wasn't until 4th or 5th grade that I discovered that testicles existed. I knew what a penis was, but when they put a diagram of the male anatomy on the overhead projector, I was like "No one told me there was something else down there - eeek!"

Don't worry folks - I think I've got things figured out now.

On a lighter note...

If there are MILFs, are there also DILFs?
I don't hear that term as widely used, but it would only make sense!

Thursday, July 07, 2005


I'm not trying to talk politics, don't worry.
But come on, it's Morrissey and Jon Stewart, how cool is that? If only I could've found a picture of Jon Stewart wearing a Morrissey shirt...


I feel uneasy.
And yes, I'm listening to The Smiths.

The world seems like a depressing and scary place, and further invokes my sometimes irrational anxieties. I start thinking of death and my mind just can't stop this stream of awful thoughts. I feel my heart beating too rapidly, pressure behind my eyes, my stomach clenches up, I start shaking and feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and despair. I hate panic attacks. I can barely cope in my sheltered little world, how could I ever deal with what other people around the world have to deal with? I don't mean to sound selfish. I am very sensitive to the pain and suffering of other people. Sometimes I can't help but take it to heart.

So sick of the senseless fucking violence.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Let's get personal

This morning, I came across this site which I found quite amusing and had to share with Justin. An hour later, he sends me this email:

Hay Bayby,

Ur so HOT.Ur smokn. I wnt 2 rub ur bod allova 2nite.Pls right me bak cuz it wood be 2 kool!!!!11111! whut Abut me? I lik 2 git bizzy adn danse 4evar! I lik wamen whoe ar EZ, jst keddin!!! Whut ar ur entrists?? I has twokids adna dog. I lick my dog allot! Hes vary frenly and duznt smeal bad like my kids!


I luv U vary muche! Du u luv 2 play mouthorgan!1?!?

I'm a sucker for a guy who can appreciate grammatical humor.

It's worth checking out whether you've had online dating experience or not. Most of what scares me is how incoherent these personal profiles are!

Please, take a moment and tell me your inermoist fillings.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Happy friggin Fourth of July, people!

How are you spending it?

I'm not feeling so good, so probably will be spending it here. Hissing at the neighbors.

Have fun!

* angry cat is from My Cat Hates You - I like her expression!

Friday, July 01, 2005

Power Outage Brings Loser Community Together

Forgive me, folks. I'm a bit tired this morning.

So last night. Woke up to people being loud and obnoxious in the parking lot. This happens all the time. Yes, it sucks living in an apartment and we need to move. But we're pretty much used to it and always sleep with a fan on anyway, which usually drowns out the noise. I wonder why the fan isn't on. Fuck. The power's out. It's extremely stuffy in the apartment anyway, and now no air is moving. Great. Now I can't sleep.
I can deal with the heat, but now the only noise is these getto-ass people talking so loud that it's echoing off the buildings. It's a fucking free-for-all out there, it's 2:30 in the morning and all I hear is incoherent drunken ramblings and laughing. I'm assuming these people couldn't sleep and came to the conclusion that they should drink any alcohol that might still be cold. In the parking lot. Naturally. I hear someone say the power has been out for two hours already. I call the energy company and report it to an automated system that tells me there is no power outage. I look out and sure enough, it's pitch black all around - even the streetlights are out. But someone has their headlights on so the people hanging out in front of the handicapped entrance can see. It's a getting to know each other session out there. Someone starts lighting bottle rockets (what's that - a distress call?) That's great. That really helps the situation. I'm thinking please don't let me hear anyone "hooking up" - guhhhh!
Then the best part is when our neighbor across the hall gets home at 3AM. She's got a very loud voice anyway and half the time she's yelling "Praise Jesus!" and the like, then the other half she's cussing someone out and slamming things around. So she gets home and her voice probably carries for miles around "We ain't got no powah? What kinda shit is that? Aww, hell naw! I can't even use my cordless phone? What the fuck? Mmmm hmm, that 's what I'm sayin - this is the muthafuckin suburban-ass projects right here"
Yes lady. It's the not having power that makes this the "suburban-ass projects." Not the fact that you and these other losers are out here yelling at 3 in the morning cause you don't have to work.
But anyways. Eventually we fell asleep and fortunately still woke up relatively on time, seeing as how the power is still out at this point. The energy company "estimates" that it will be back on this afternoon. When I left for work this morning, I felt like yelling "Enjoy sleeping in you fuckers! Thanks for keeping me up last night. I have to go to work now!" But whatever. I just slammed the door really hard. Next time I should call the cops, but I'm always reluctant to do that. If I had thought of it, we do have four boxes of pop-its (also called whipper-snappers) that we could've thrown out there last night or even better, this morning. Damn.