Wednesday, May 30, 2007

He still wants to play though

Jonesey doesn't care so much for the intricacies of your Scrabble game.
(Paws at tiles with frustration)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Cabin Six

At the beginning of sixth grade, the first year of middle school, we had Mandatory Sixth Grade Camp. In other words, get to know your peers in a controlled yet uncomfortable environment! Stay for 2 awkward days and 1 cold-ass night! Don't worry kids - we brought the cafeteria food with us, no campfire s'mores for you! And get ready for some required teamwork - only the strong will survive! (Well, socially that is.)

Anyway, considering my shyness and discomfort with unfamiliar situations, it didn't start out all that bad. We weren't exactly "roughing it" as we had little musty cabins to sleep in that held 4-6 people. And as mentioned, at least you only had to put in one overnight stay. The thing that sucked was being separated from your friends, as almost all activities were with an assigned group.

One of the few memories of the experience that sticks out in my mind was the hopeful feeling I had as I got my cabin assignment and headed off to find out who else would be in it. Maybe a friend? An acquaintance at least? Hey, maybe a possibility for a *new* friend I just hadn't met yet! (Ok, so I was a bit naive, but hey at least I was positive.)

I reached the cabin at the same time as another girl. She was pretty and had that more polished look (which at the time probably just meant a spiral perm and Umbros) of one of the richer girls. She didn't look too happy to see me coming, but I figured that like me, she must've just been thinking this camp experience was kind of weak. So I smiled and said "Oh, hi! I'm [so and so] - looks like we're in the same cabin..." Her eyes narrowed as she assessed this information. "Oh yeah? Well, I'm Katie..." (pausing for effect) "and I'm your worst nightmare." And with that, she stepped inside, slamming the door in my face.

Camp got off to a GREAT start.

But not long into the camp experience, it became clear that this Katie bitch wasn't what ended up as being my worst nightmare. Nope, I think I'd have to go with the state of the "bathrooms" along with being painfully constipated for two days as being the worst part. The thing was, at that age I tended to be horribly embarrassed by any bodily function as it is, so having no stall doors and only being permitted to go to the bathroom in groups was not something I was down with. If you were lucky, you had a friend who would hold her coat up in front of you while you went to the bathroom. But I wasn't about to ask her to keep waiting there so I could drop a load while within arms length (and definitely within smelling range) of each other. Lame. I just could not will myself to do it. So by the end of the next day of holding it in through climbing, jumping and other hateful activities, I was really having a BAD time. All I could think about was the concrete mixer action going on in my guts, and how it felt like either my ass or my head was going to explode. I didn't really care about teamwork anymore. I just wanted out of that fucking camp and to a reasonably private facility that didn't smell like sulfur so I could poop in peace. I hung in there for the rest of the time and begged my mom to drive straight home as fast as possible when she picked me up. So, seeing as how constipation is my clearest memory of sixth grade camp it's no wonder that I didn't make a bunch of new friends there, nor did I participate very well in team activities. Other people took my silent frowning as being stuck up, not stopped up. So, overall it was truly a pretty crappy experience for me. Ugh.

Side note: my friend was telling me about an actual "roughing it" hiking/camping experience she went on in high-school, complete with having to dig a hole to shit in, for two weeks. Call me over-sheltered folks, but you'd have to count me out of that. I like nature and all, but I just don't know if I could hang with being "at one" with it quite like that. My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Claimed Baggage

I'll try to get this out before I tell myself to shutup. Maybe it will help. Maybe not. There's no good way of putting it, I'm feeling like a failure right now. In just about everything I do. I feel like dead weight dragging behind him and slowing everything down. I don't feel like marriage material. I don't feel like I have enough to offer in return. That is the worst, to feel like some sort of leech attached to something you don't deserve. It's very obvious that one could make it just fine without the other one. I don't want him to be any less. I just want to be more. To create some balance. It wasn't always this way, or didn't always feel like this. At some point it's like I lost myself, willingly. I wanted to just follow along not taking the lead. And that's not always bad, but it's not really fair that the other person always has to show you the way, and wait for you to catch up. I don't want to just be the girl that's always apologizing while she makes the same fucking mistakes repeatedly, but it feels like that's what I've become. It's trying on the patience of others. Somewhere along the way I got so scared of how much I'd fuck everything up that I crippled myself from being able to make decisions without advice. I stunted my own growth. That's no way to be.

The realization that has come may be obvious to everyone else. There was a period in life where I felt drawn to, well, others who didn't necessarily have a lot going for them. And felt like I could help them somehow, make things better. Did I? Probably thought so at the time. But didn't think of the self-serving side in it, that maybe deep down I was looking for an ego boost by scraping the bottom of the barrel for anyone worse off than myself. A saint complex, is it? So I'd seem all shiny and good by comparison since I felt like such a piece of shit inside. So then being with someone with talents and the whole package, I don't know quite what to do with myself. By all rights it's come back to bite me in the ass. My flaws are glaringly obvious. Over time, it's like the outer perception of goodness has worn off and everyone can see I'm just a lazy turd that he was kind enough to scrape off of his shoe and keep. Wow, that is an ugly UGLY thought. It's not about comparing yourself to others. Or, it shouldn't be.

At least the good thing is, as much as I say these hurtful things to myself, I don't feel that it's quite to the point of being hopeless. It's just that I have this perception of who I should be (you know - independent woman, domestic goddess, responsible adult, fun-loving wife, etc.) and it feels so far away. I don't want to spoil things for us. All I have to show for myself should not be a mess of self-doubt and emotional imbalance and unpaid bills and "I'm sorry"s. I can keep trying to make things better for myself, and in turn do better for him, for us. So, I'm not really asking for advice this time as much as writing out what's in my head and trying to make sense of it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Flashing shit and scary profiles everywhere

So, MySpace is weird. I don't really get it. I know that's not exactly a newsflash at this point. What can I say - I always end up checking things out after the popularity has already died down. So, I haven't joined it or anything, just recently was browsing through to see what has become of people I went to school with and such. And once I waited and waited for their retina-burning templates to load and for shit to flash and the text to become nearly indecipherable, I found that yes, there are still some of those people around and some of them have grown up! I take some comfort that I'm not the only one whose face has filled out, and definitely not the only one who now is looking their age. For some reason it surprised me though. Like even though I've aged, I assumed all these people would be looking as young and perky as they did when we graduated. Of course, most of them are married and have kids now, but are still "OMG, having a BLAST!! LOL!" and are just as rich and popular as they always were. And you know I hate to admit it, but I started feeling a little left out, or left behind. I'm still letting myself feel inferior to these people, just like I used to! Not just in the myspace world but the real world too. And that is what sucks. Sure, how people talk about themselves and their own lives is usually a bunch of bullshit intended to make others react a certain way, but this is the kind of idiotic thing that triggers a whole spiraling mess of self-doubt within me. And it's not even worth it. Why should I want to be like them? Maybe my goals are a lot smaller and slow-paced and less fancy than theirs but damnit in my own way I'm "making it" too. So there. Yeah. Look at me, I took a bad feeling and made it somewhat positive after all - ha!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Staring Contest: Cat vs. Bunny

This is a common scene, just about every night at dusk. The bunny's all "nyah-nah" and the cat's all "mow? maaaow? mrrgh." Just wish this pic had turned out a little better, but it was dusky and I didn't want to break their concentration.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Partly Cloudy

I'm feeling sort of Crabby McNasty today, but otherwise things are fine. It's just PMS and a gloomy day. I had to put up this picture that was posted on Cute Overload a little while back - can't help but smile when I see it. I mean, just look at that fudgey little face! I want him to come sit at my desk. You wanna talk to me? Gotta go through this guy first.

I have to try to keep myself busy. You know, keep the bad thoughts at bay. I like to be alone and all, but sometimes when things are too slow and quiet I start to tear myself to shreds. Find the negatives in everything that could be happy. Tell myself I don't deserve anything good. Get angry at my family, shut myself off from them. Angry at myself for not being the person that I think they think I should be. Think of the friends I used to have. Try to remember what went wrong, and if it would be worth it to try and fix it. I assume I am hated, someone they've put out of their minds. In reality I don't really know what they feel, and I guess I'm too scared to find out. Yeah, it's a cop-out but right now I think the risk of rejection is more than I could handle. Sad but true. I've retreated too far inward to see things clearly.

Again, it's the PMS (possibly even PMDD) and the gloomy day talking here. I'm trying my best, with being on a diet, to not place so much importance on food, especially when I'm feeling down. Like thinking it'll lift my spirits to eat a bunch of junk, like I normally would. It does make me kinda sad though, when I look at myself and see how much I cling to things for comfort, and how for some people that's never really a problem. At some point, it's like I'm just replacing one addiction with another and another. You can't just go back to carrying around that worn-soft blankie with the silky edges to make you feel secure. But sometimes it would be nice, for things to be as simple as that.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Halfway There

Not that you need an explanation, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to write or to write and actually publish something because my inner critic just won't shut up. I wish that could be used to my benefit - to make me a perfectionist and really good at something. Instead, it makes me want to retreat and not do anything because I don't think it'll be good enough. Even the most trivial of things, like writing an email or a post or telling people at work that I have an idea. I second-guess, and ultimately just tuck it away and don't do it. I know, it's stupid and I'm having a hard time explaining it. So I'm just trying to type and not immediately go back and pick it apart. So what, ya know? It's my frickin journal to an extent and should be treated as such. It's not worth getting all fussy over. I've got to remind myself of that.

So, ANYWAY let's move on.

American Idol was sort of disappointing this week. I'm only slightly embarrassed to tell you that out of the guest coaches on the show, I was actually really looking forward to Bon Jovi week. Shit, who didn't love them back in the day? Well I guess you have to be of a certain age to appreciate it, like Jordin's MOM (I love how she pointed that out.) But then the performances just - well, left me wanting to hear better performances of those songs. Even when Bon Jovi performed, I was thinking "They're not even gonna ROCK? WTF?!" I kept waiting for that song to pick up and it never really happened. Bah! Plus the two guys that I kind of liked are both voted off now. I do have to say though, that even though I liked Chris and most of the song was pretty good (he even did a bit of a raspy voice thing there that I liked) there is no excuse for not putting all of your energy into the most badass line: "I've seen a million faces, and I ROCKED them all." Damnit if he didn't sing that like he rocked them all gently to sleep. Ah well. I'll still miss Chris and Phil, but I'm sure they'll do just fine.

The dieting is going alright. It's kind of depressing sometimes - like when you look at the amount of calories in everyfuckingthing - but we're also getting to try a variety of healthy foods that really don't taste all that bad. And getting some exercise - I can't believe I'm saying this - actually feels pretty good. But I feel like I shouldn't talk about it too much or I might jinx it or start sounding like one of those people, you know - those healthy types.

I can't believe that I actually sent my fiance an email yesterday concerning the status of our cat's butt. Seriously. I can only imagine the conversations that actual parenthood will cause us to have someday. Whoo boy!