Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Partly Cloudy

I'm feeling sort of Crabby McNasty today, but otherwise things are fine. It's just PMS and a gloomy day. I had to put up this picture that was posted on Cute Overload a little while back - can't help but smile when I see it. I mean, just look at that fudgey little face! I want him to come sit at my desk. You wanna talk to me? Gotta go through this guy first.

I have to try to keep myself busy. You know, keep the bad thoughts at bay. I like to be alone and all, but sometimes when things are too slow and quiet I start to tear myself to shreds. Find the negatives in everything that could be happy. Tell myself I don't deserve anything good. Get angry at my family, shut myself off from them. Angry at myself for not being the person that I think they think I should be. Think of the friends I used to have. Try to remember what went wrong, and if it would be worth it to try and fix it. I assume I am hated, someone they've put out of their minds. In reality I don't really know what they feel, and I guess I'm too scared to find out. Yeah, it's a cop-out but right now I think the risk of rejection is more than I could handle. Sad but true. I've retreated too far inward to see things clearly.

Again, it's the PMS (possibly even PMDD) and the gloomy day talking here. I'm trying my best, with being on a diet, to not place so much importance on food, especially when I'm feeling down. Like thinking it'll lift my spirits to eat a bunch of junk, like I normally would. It does make me kinda sad though, when I look at myself and see how much I cling to things for comfort, and how for some people that's never really a problem. At some point, it's like I'm just replacing one addiction with another and another. You can't just go back to carrying around that worn-soft blankie with the silky edges to make you feel secure. But sometimes it would be nice, for things to be as simple as that.

4 comments:

Fluffycat said...

Sorry you are going through that now. The negative self-talk is the absolute worst. No one can pick on you like you pick on yourself. Find ways to get yourself out of the habit of tearing yourself down like that.

And that monkey is adorable.

iamnot said...

We all get like that...even without the PMS.
Self-awareness is a curse if it becomes self-absorbtion. Sorry, I don't mean for that to sound as critical as it probably does. It's just that I think the cure for this sort of self-depreciation is to find something outside of yourself to devote your energies to.
Go do something good for someone. You'll spend less time thinking about your own self-worth, and when you do, you'll have something nice to say about you.

Quinn said...

What a rough place to be- I've been there before and will inevitably get there again I'm sure. It WOULD be nice if the blankie trick would work in adult life, wouldn't it?

KC said...

I use my cat as a security blanket when I get really down and need some attention/affection. Really. He does make me feel better. I carry him around like a great big fat furry 15 pound baby and yes, of course, I baby-talk to him. Then I feeled loved. And better.