Two glass eyes

Today I was all like "heyyyy, I like that shirrrrt"
And he was all "yeah? aw, well it's good for going out in, but not good for work - glad I don't have to see any clients today"
And I was all "naw, it's cool, it's cool"
and he was all shaking his head
Then a couple hours later, I'm all "no really, I really like that shirt, man" and proceed to stare at the chest hair that is peeking out the top and he probably sees me staring cause I think I'm less obvious than I am
But is chest hair like something you're supposed to politely avert your eyes from?
Then I thought about what he must think of how I dress for work if he considered himself dressed down.
And then I felt bad.

And.... this story isn't even related to how this morning I thought I had a detached retina!
Crazy stuff.
Bad, bad eyes.

Everybody poops

My sinuses are burning. Get me out of here.
Have you experienced this? Maybe you're lucky enough that your office isn't located right across from the damn bathroom. I understand that when you gotta go, you gotta go, but damnit people! It's like you purposely wait to shit until you get to work! There's a pack of matches on the back of the toilet that someone keeps lighting when they're in there. Great, so then the place smells like shit on fire. I can only hope for some small explosion to occur. Then there's the air freshener. You notice that whatever air freshener is in the bathroom for an extended period of time, no matter how good it smelled at first - after multiple uses it becomes revolting? It's bad enough that the wildebeest craps in there 3 times a day, but if only it were easier to ignore. Even if I keep my office door closed, the smell comes blowing through the air vents. Permeating my lungs, my nostrils, my eyes. I had a perfectly good breakfast bar that I now do not want to eat. I will also note that the air freshener of choice in there is a spray that I swear is a combination of curry, original Listerine, old man aftershave and cloves. And you can just imagine how great that is combined with you know, crap.

Maybe I'll just...

A note to the FedEx guys...

A good way to start a conversation with the meek-looking girl at the front desk would be to not repeatedly comment "Aww, they left you here all alone" and "So you're here all by yourself right?" while getting closer and looking shifty.
Every time someone says that it makes me cringe.

Come to think of it, it's not just FedEx guys, it's also the phone company guys and door to door solicitors - can't forget them! The UPS guys are always very polite though. I'm tight with the mailman too, he's cool.
I'm just a little paranoid.
Good thing I've got an itchy trigger finger and nothing to lose...
just kidding.

Marketing Madness

I had to mention the latest hair product I've tried - Herbal Essences Citrus Lift Let Loose Detangling Spray. I've been impressed with the results and yeah, it smells nice and citruslike...but that's not the point. I find their instuctions amusing.
Directions: Spray lusciously all over your damp or dry hair.
How do you spray lusciously? I mean, I try to be as luscious with the spray as possible, but what am I supposed to do, make the "O" face? Also note that your bathroom floor will become lusciously smooth as well, as in slippery as fuck! Be careful!

Can't Hang

Have you heard this song yet? I mean, it's been out for a while now. But if you can appreciate rap parody humor and iTunes, please check it out. You know Dr. Dre must've laughed his ass off, or at least I hope so. Plus, Ben Folds is some good stuff.

I think I need to drink more. Or just get better at drinking. I don't like beer, not just 'cause I'm a girly-girl but it gives me the shudders and makes my kidneys hurt. My drink has become a vodka & cranberry juice, sometimes with flavored vodka. The one I got the other night was cranberry juice with a shot of rubbing alcohol. And the waitress corrected me "oh, a vodka-cran?" yeah, that's a snazzy little abbreviation there lady. Kind of like when my mom made us crack up by saying "I'll have a glass of zin" because she's just so hip. I don't say that sarcastically, my mom goes out with her cool single friends more than I do. Gotta love it.

Anyways, unlike most people I know, I'm pretty much a wuss when it comes to drinking. BUT more than one person can vouch for the fact that in my prime, I was the shmoke-dawwwg. Roll up another doober! Puff puff pass! Oh, but that's not okay with a lot of people or you know, society. Back to the drinking. You would think that someone with a history of alcoholism in their family would be able to throw back a few and not even feel it, but I'm such a lightweight. I have so little knowledge with the subject too. So when I go out sometimes I forget that I'm way past legal drinking age. I'm the dork ordering a diet coke.

I wonder if alcohol just affects me differently than other people. Like I can feel this burning sensation running through the veins in my arms, then my arms feel really heavy. I think it depends on the kind of alcohol too. Sometimes I can feel it travelling through my body and it feels like poison, burning everything along it's path. It used to hurt my lower back, but that doesn't happen so much anymore. Maybe my liver is crap. Once in a while I get that hazy feeling that other people enjoy while drinking. I can get a little lovey-dovey but usually I'm just as shy as before. I can't pass things off as "oh, I just said that cause I was really wasted"...but I'd like to! I'd like to enjoy it and be carefree. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and he's still hoping to one day see me totally wasted. The closest we've gotten was one time when I said I'd drive us home in his car, and then proceeded to smash my face into the door frame as I was getting in. The impact was directly to my browbone and it hurt like a mofo. He thought I was just fucking around not unlocking the other door for him and came around to see why I was simultaneously crying and laughing like a maniac. I pulled my hand away from my eye and there was blood on my hand as well as running down my face. He was a little shocked and immediately went into his sweet helpful boyfriend mode. (As he has often had to do, since I can be slightly accident-prone). I looked in the mirror and laughed some more, getting blood and mascara in my eye. If that wasn't a sign from God that I shouldn't have been thinking about driving, I don't know what is! He sobered up quickly, found me some paper towel to put on my face and drove us home. I'm not that proud of that story but of course had to tell it many a time as my face healed.
But the really lame part? I had had ONE drink. ONE! Yes, it was on an empty stomach and yes they had given me the nice Grey Goose vodka, but still!
Then again, I am a clutz and could very well have done the same thing without any inebriation.

You know what August 24th means?

Go go go go....I'm a shortie and it's my birfday.

I've got the day off of work, which is pretty cool. There are things I need to accomplish though.

• sleep in (accomplished)
  
• have lunch with mom
• go to the secretary of state (or DMV as you may call it in your state) and give those fuckers way too much money to get my vehicle registration renewed
• prepare for upcoming apartment inspection (ie: hide unmentionables, clean up dirty dishes/laundry); get pissed that they even do this inspection shit every year
• blog/email
• become inebriated in one way or another
• ????
  

We'll see how I do!

I fear change...

Alright, so we're trying to quit smoking. By "we" I mean, my boyfriend hasn't had a smoke since Saturday, decided to get the patches and I'm very proud of him. Then there's me. Granted I didn't smoke as much to begin with, but I haven't completely quit. So I didn't really want to tell people like "Hey! Yay for me, I'm quitting smoking...pretty much" and have them tell me I suck and that doesn't count. But it's been on my mind, so I decided to share. I think I'm doing okay so far. I would normally smoke between 10-15 cigarettes a day and now I'm down to 4 or 5. I know I might be dragging this out longer, but then according to research it's better for women to quit at a certain time during their cycle, that I don't think I'm in right now. Shut up, it's true! I also haven't bought any more of my usual brand, so the smokes I do have are lighter and less enjoyable. So we're eating a lot of snacks, but getting out of the house more too. The bad thing is, I was big on snacks anyway. I'm a bad influence. I'm normally not one to think one should deprive themselves of things they enjoy. I'm an enabler. I do want to be supportive though, it's the right thing to do. He's handling it really well so far and hasn't gotten mad when I breakdown and go outside to smoke, but I feel guilty about it anyway.
We'll see how it goes. I do like the idea of having more money to spare, not having my hair get stinky, and all the medical reasons too. It's been 9 years and I've never REALLY tried to quit. I should have more faith in myself, cause even though I'm terribly easily addictable, there's also part of my personality that naturally wants to punish myself and deprive myself of things. Fucked up, I know - but it all works out I guess.

Nap dreams are lame

You know what happens when I take a nap with my contacts still on?
I usually wake up feeling like shit.
I have fucked up dreams. This afternoon's dream was that I somehow got to meet Adam Sessler of G4. I was all excited and jumped up to give him a hug. I was being complimentary and flirty almost. All up on him and stuff. He was quite gracious. Then I made the mistake of getting curious about his PSP (not a sexual innuendo - playstation portable) and he literally slapped my hand away. He said he couldn't risk getting my dirty little fingers on the screen and was a real dick about it. It made me sad and embarrassed. The end.
Oh, but back to the sleeping with my contacts in - does this happen to anyone else? I mean, I'll pass out with them on, and then when I wake up I'll feel dizzy and like I'm going to throw up. I also will not have a very restful nap. I wonder if somehow the contacts interfere with the REM and that's why I feel all shitty when I wake up. But I don't know. Just a thought.
Oh, and it also feels great to wake up feeling like there's bunched up plastic wrap stuck to your eyeballs. Or some old fruit roll-ups.
Yeah, I gotta stop passing out like that.

Kung Fu Hustle. Do it.

Yeah, we're not big on movie theaters so we got the DVD of "Kung Fu Hustle" yesterday. That's some crazy shit, maaan! It's all over the place! Still not sure if I like it better than the slightly more lighthearted "Shaolin Soccer" - but they're both good. If nothing else, it took my mind off things for a while. They totally got extra points with us for having a small part with this girl that was the Chinese version of Parker Posey.
Oh, and if you watch either of these, I'd strongly recommend the subtitles and not the dubbed versions.
I didn't do laundry last night, so I had a limited selection of things to wear today. I've got this short sleeved green and white striped, button down blouse on that makes me look like I could be the night manager at Long John Silver's. I'm a dork.
I'll try to think of something more to say. It seems as if writer's block is going around. I hope y'all know I love ya though.

It's everything, yet nothing really....

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
Today I woke up, feeling okay. Just a little sleepy but no big complaints. The morning went by fast, I was chipper and got things done at work. I was even sociable with people. I felt like one of those girls that I usually don't like who's all perky and talkative. Things seemed good. I'm such a better person at those times. Like if I went home at that point, I would probably get a lot accomplished there too. I can get on a roll and not mind the cleaning or doing the laundry. I can keep myself busy. I can have conversations with people and they actually smile at me instead of looking confused. I can feel good about myself and the tiny accomplishments I make. I can laugh at things and not take them too seriously.

But then...a few hours later...

I don't know what happened. Really it wasn't anything important. Just a few little things that I will overanalyze and take as being negative. Suddenly I am back to being the biggest fucking loser around, I have no purpose on this earth, and people suck and don't understand. I suck at this job but will never find anything better. I want to crawl under my desk and cry, or if I'm at home - bury my head in a pillow and cry. People close to me will ask what's wrong, and really I don't know. I didn't think I looked like anything was wrong but my emotions are so obvious when you look at me. All I can think about is how fucked up I am and how I deserve to be punished for it. I didn't follow the right path and now I'm getting fucking old and I'm missing my "best years." I've been saying that I'm wasting my "best years" for years now. I deserve to suffer because I'm a little crybaby who still hasn't grown up. No one likes people who can't control their emotions. It's just something you're not supposed to tell other people. You don't want to be one of those people who drags everyone else down with them. Fuck, now I'm crying. See? This is ridiculous. It's not even PMS. I know the "regular" me is in there somewhere, I just can't reach her. I've worked so hard to get back to normal, but I still slip back into this. I just can't stop telling myself horrible things. I hate being this way. I avoid my family, or I avoid leaving the house because I just can't even face the world out there. I can't make myself smile. I don't want to try to explain it to the millionth person who doesn't get it. I'm as sick of being this way as they are sick of hearing about it. I feel like slamming my face into the mirror until it breaks. But really I won't. It will pass. I know it will. I shouldn't have even written this, but I had to get it out. I hope you'll understand that it's just a part of me and doesn't represent everything I am, or everything I could be.

Beavers and bad puns

Remember that beaver from some of the older Disney movies?


I think of him every time the older guy in the office next door comes around because I can hear that as he talks, he whistles through his teeth. So all I hear is "shhht" or "chttt" or you know, however you spell whistling through teeth sounds. He's a sweet old man though, just sometimes I'm not sure how "with it" he is.
He popped his head into my office this morning and said "Hi Jeshica, are you behaving yourshelf?" which was like, almost funny the first 6 times he's said that to me. I usually laugh and say "Oh, I'm trying..." or something like that.
Oh, I know he means well. It's just the slightest bit creepy. I think he wants me to say that I've been a BAD, BAD girl. Or he's just the silly grandpa type. Whatever. But before he left he gave me the eyebrow wiggle and says "Now you be a good girl for the resht of the shummer!"

But really, how much trouble can I get in jusht shitting here at my deshk?

SNAFU!

If you were one of the very few people who looked at this blog this morning and now it's all fucked up, I'm sorry. Maybe it was fucked up before and I just didn't know. I don't want you to see it this way! At home I use Firefox and everything looks all nice, but now I come to the office where we have Internet Explorer and I see that once again my layout is all wacky. It pisses me off. Such trivial things piss me off, I know. But anyways, I fucked around with some stuff and messed up my last post with the hot sexy guy pictures. I know you're probably not missing them, but I am, damnit! Will work on getting that fixed.
I totally had thought, oh yeah I'm learning this HTML shit, but turns out I know nothing!

Update: (11:38AM) Heh, heh - umm, I think it's okay now. I think it was that the template didn't like the use of so many italics in that story I wrote about the crazy magazine-selling girl. That's understandable.

Yay!

I need to stop doing image searches

What is it about the British guys that makes me squirm and involuntarily do kegel excercises?
I don't know, but I like it.
Sorry, I got a little excited there.
Sometimes I can be a real giggly girly-girl when I look at cute boys.
What a rip off, huh?
It's like, not even a real post.
Yes, that's right - it's for my own personal enjoyment.
How selfish.
No really, that's just all I came up with tonight.
Sorry bout that.
But I look at this page a lot, ya know?
So I might as well enjoy it.
You can too, if you want.

Oh no, she didn't!

Tell me, what's your definition of triflin'? I'm not sure if I'm even spelling it right. One of my old coworkers used to use it quite frequently. I just think it's kind of a funny word, although it's probably overused and I'm just a little slow.

I've heard it used as describing:

• someone who is unclean/nasty
• someone who is a cheater/sleeps around
  
• someone who uses people for money
  
• someone who's a manipulator
  
• someone who's all up in your business

Come on, use it in a sentence!

Here's what urban dictionary had to say.

Update: Oh, okay - perhaps I should've used it in a sentence myself. Here are examples of how I've heard it:

• "You should see how nasty her house is, and she don't even care - that's triflin'"
• "She's trying to holla at my man! That triflin-ass ho!"
• "He's triflin... living off his woman, ain't even trying to get a job."
  

Soliciting - Another story

So, I know you're all wondering "How did she end up with the aforementioned 3 year magazine subscription?" Okay, so you're not - but just humor me.
I was at home alone and there was a knock on the door. That's kind of rare, being in an apartment building where you usually have to buzz your company in. I looked out my little peephole and she looked like a normal enough college girl. Blond hair, sporty clothes, pierced eyebrow. Who knows, maybe she even lives here? She's just carrying a notebook and when I answer the door she gets all bubbly.
"Hieee! I'm new to the area, and trying to meet as many new people as possible! Would you say you're a friendly person?"
Well, I am... but now I'm giving her the "what the fuck is this all about" kind of look while only holding the door open far enough to peek out at her.
"Umm sure" I say, and her eyes crinkle up in a huge smile. She shakes my hand and says "See, making new friends is fun!!! I'm Jen, what's your name?"
I tell her. I'm wondering where this is going and in the back of my mind imagine that she's just doing some kind of sociology project for school.
"Hey, would you do me a HUGE favor? Would you just look through this list of magazines? Just tell me which ones you like. Just for fun! Don't even look at the prices, just tell me which ones you would choose if you could choose three! "
A-ha.
I humor her, even though I know I don't have to. We've got a no soliciting sign on the apartment complex - but gee, now that we're friends and all... yeah, I'm a sucker. I look through the little booklet of odd selections of magazines which don't include any that I would normally buy, but pick three anyway. After all, it's just for fun.
"Okay! Wow, great choices! Now, I'm going to need to write something down, could I use your table there?"
That seems a little forward. I know. Don't let strangers in. But I did because I just can't say no, and she made herself comfortable. She wrote for a while like she was drawing up some sort of price quote on these magazines."Ohhh, is that your cat? Hi kitty!!!" Our cat comes up, gives her a sniff and runs in the opposite direction. Good thinking, kitty.
"Were you watching a movie?" she asks, looking at the tv. "What were you watching?" Thank God it wasn't anything too embarrassing but still, I'm kind of like damn, woman - none of your business! She proceeds to tell me what actors she likes and what movies she's recently seen. I play along with the chit-chat and light up a smoke.
"Ohhh, could I have one of those? I forgot mine!" Sure. Whatever. "Thank you SO MUCH....can I ask you for one more thing? Could I trouble you for a glass of ice water?"
Good Lord. Is this some sort of trick, and when I turn around she's gonna rob me or something? I get her a glass of water while making sure I'm facing in her direction.
"Some other people I work with have been offered beer when they've been selling magazines. They're so lucky! That never happens to me!" she says, looking at me sort of expectantly.
Heh. heh. I give her a weird look and vaguely respond "Yeah, I've heard of that happening with pizza delivery drivers..."
"Oh my God, really? They got offered beer?"
"Well, I think one of my friends actually got offered a joint."
"Oh! That is SO cool, I wish someone would offer me one, ya know? What pizza place was that?"
Guhhh. How long until I get this girl out of here? Even if I had any, I'm not letting some stranger into my stash. What the hell?
Yeah. So you would think at this point, I've been quite a gracious host. I don't owe this girl anything. Then she tells me about the trip she could get to go on if she sells enough magazines.(Ask me about the trip!I'd take you with me if I could, hahaha!) If I pay with cash, she gets more points than if it's with a check or credit card. Of course.
Now I know you're thinking this is incredibly stupid and why haven't I pushed her out yet? I don't know. Was feeling nice I guess, and I had just been paid. Plus, it was only like $30 for a 3 year subscription. That's 36 issues! I even gave her the money in cash and sent her on her way. I felt horribly gullible afterwards. Other people told me about how these magazine salespeople are a bunch of wandering gypsies, that pocket whatever money you give them.
So, that's how I got 3 whole freakin years of Spin - I was quite surprised that I even got them. I guess there's no "moral of the story" here, it was just a very odd experience that I thought I'd share. So now I've wasted your time, but hey - at least I haven't tried to sell you anything!

No Soliciting

Is it just me, or does it really suck when someone's all complimentary to you and making you feel all special, and then it turns out they're just trying to sell you something?

Okay, so sometimes I can be naive. I don't think I'm the only one that's a sucker for a compliment, though. I suppose they see that. It's not that I look like something special or look like I have money, it's that I look like a sucker.
I'm still in the midst of a 3 year magazine subscription to Spin, but be proud of me - I did not buy any imitation designer fragrances today! Even though he was a cute and friendly asian guy who chatted with me for a while. I've mentioned it before, sometimes it's hard to say no , but damn it - I have to stop being such a pushover sometimes. It's not that I don't realize what's happening. It's just thoroughly ingrained in me to be polite and gracious or something.

What really gets me is those Mary Kay ladies. They've got a good act going. Even their cars are now more nondescript so as to sneak up on the consumer. It's just like using some tired old pick-up line, someone's bound to fall for it. They'll sneak up on you when you least expect it, just going about your business. A couple of them were customers at the drycleaners, that's cheap! I have to wait on you and be courteous so it's a perfect opportunity. One MK lady said "Let me get a good look at you" and stared at me long enough to make me a bit uncomfortable, and said "Can I just tell you, hun, that your haircolor goes very nice with your complexion?" So I'm all embarrassed and like "ohh, thank you." Then she tells me I do a nice job with my makeup, and just out of curiosity what kind do I use? You've heard of Mary Kay right? She pulls out her card with the little lipstick bubble sample thing. "You should call me! I want you to be my model at one of our parties. Oh yeah, hun - you've got the face that I want to use." Ughh. That's when the smile just kinda fades away. Oh yeah. A makeover party. Great. Let's call everyone I know so they can see how bad I look before I let this MK lady at my face. Fuck that. But then I feel all bad like I can't say no, so I just have to avoid her the next 5 times she comes by looking for me.

It's just... come on, now. We live in a college town where there's lots of perky college girls who all look the same and have a face like a blank canvas. They're a dime a dozen and are sure to be much better choices. Why do they mess with me? I'm weird looking. Maybe it's out of pity and I look like a good "before" picture. I had another MK girl pull up to the drive thru window and just kept looking me up and down. I thought she was totally checking me out. I was blushing. She was close to my age, and looked normal enough. Cute even. She was all whispery like "ooohh, you've got very pretty eyes" and stepping out of her car to slip me her card. I saw it and I'm like damn, foiled again! Pulling out all the stops, aren't you ladies? No, I don't want to go to your party either.
I'm sure it's nothing to anyone else. It's just that, depending on how insecure I'm feeling that day, it just comes across like a twisted mean joke. I thought I was getting a sincere compliment just for the sake of being nice. But it's more like, let's make that mousy looking girl believe that she's pretty and then tell her the only way to look this good is with our makeup. She'll totally fall for it!
Yeah, I know - I'm too sensitive. Oh, and also cheap.

Otters get crazy with the cuteness

Bad salad

Can rusty lettuce make you sick?

I don't know, but I'm not eating that shit.

That's what I get for choosing a salad from a fast-food establishment....
but hell if I'm going to go take it back.