Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sorry I'm late, I was dead...

Well, hellooooo! This is the first time I've sat at the computer in a long time. It's the first time I've been able to do ANYTHING in what feels like a very long time. It feels good to be alive again. As of last Saturday around 4 AM, my stomach cried "LIQUIDATION! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" and I've been wicked sick ever since. 24 hour bug, my ass! This shit has lasted 6 days! I thought I was gonna shrivel up and die, I tell ya. Nasty, nasty stuff that I really hope is over for good now. I know I said a while back that I wished I could just skip the holidays altogether, but not like this! I know I said (or just thought) that I wanted to lose 10 pounds or more, but not like this!
Anyways, I think I'm on the road to recovery. I hope you're all doing well and will be checking in with you soon. Enjoy your precious digestion, people!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fake it 'til you make it

Last night was a whirlwind of shopping and cookie baking. Guess what? The cookies turned out okay! Good, even. Yay! I know, big deal right? The significance of this is that I haven't exactly worked on my "skills" doing anything that might be considered "domestic" but it means more to me now. I think more and more about all the things my mom knew how to do at my age or younger (and with kids to take care of) and how much I suck for not knowing that stuff! Examples:
- I sewed a button back on a pair of pants, and I think it fell off the same day.
- Years ago when I lived with my mom, she left some potatoes boiling on the stove while she went to do something else. She asked me to mash them, and I did - without draining the water first! (Still feel bad about that one.)
- At least I don't mind doing laundry, and with my experience I should be pretty good at it. But I can't guarantee I won't shrink things...
- I don't really enjoy cooking, but if I do make something it's usually all in one skillet.
- My cleaning and organizational skills have dropped from above average to "I'll try to make it look decent for company."

Well, you gotta start somewhere, right? The baking frenzy will continue!

Friday, December 16, 2005

My cat ponders the meaning of Christmas

We didn't even set her up to do that, but wouldn't she be cute with some little antlers? No? Yeah, somehow I don't think that would be appreciated. Muffers was just getting into the holiday spirit. You could even say she glows... (cough... ahem, sorry bout that one folks.)

If you have the time, please check out I Love Your Pets! for more pet pictures, contributed by myself and others with much better photography skills. Let me know if you want to contribute or have suggestions. Or don't.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Alright, but I'm keeping my socks on

Yesterday, I had my annual poke and prod at the doctor. You know what I'm talkin about, ladies - not fun. At least she was in and out in no time and handed me a wad of kleenex when it was done. But it made me feel so cheap! I'm kidding. But anyways, I'm okay, pretty much. Things aren't so much like they used to be at the ol' doctor's office. Not sure if it's just the changing times or that I'm at an age where they don't worry about me too much. There's always things I wanted to say or questions I wanted to ask after it's too late. And, did you even check my chart to see my history? Then again, I believe I'll have to make another post about some of those appointments that I had wished weren't so in depth! Anyway, as I was about to leave she told me I'd have to stop at the lab and have some blood drawn. Apparently I may have a thyroid problem, but we'll see what the results say. It didn't sound like it was a big deal to treat, but you know me - I obsess. Give me some symptoms, and I'll have them. But really, it is hereditary so it's not a huge surprise. I just didn't know that some of the things I've experienced, like depression, could be partly because of that. But I don't know yet, so I'm jumping the gun. Really, there could be much much worse conditions to worry about, so I'm really not that worried as much as I just want to know more about it.
So, I was thinking about things and talking myself up. Like I'm going to take multi-vitamins, change or ween off of meds, eat better, excercise, get a good night's sleep, let go of some things I've been holding onto for too long, lose some weight, change my hair, try to look better, be mature, be happy, be more "normal", etc. I know these things take time and I can't do it all at once. But still, I woke up feeling rather good this morning and then a few hours later, was practically in tears at work for no real reason. Guess I've just gotta ride out the highs and lows, cause now I feel okay again. You know I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Observations from a wallflower

Sometimes, we'll be out and I'll watch you like a stranger trying to be impartial. A silent observer, admiring you from a distance. I get to see a different side of you and it puts things in a refreshing perspective. The way you talk to people, the way you listen, the way your laughter spreads throughout a room. The way you can entertain a crowd of people yet not be someone who's just "putting on a show." The way your humor, wit and sarcasm is intelligent and never too much or too little. The way you don't have to be the attention-grabbing star and you don't leave me in the shadows. The way our eyes will meet from across a room and know what each other is feeling. The way you tell a story or a joke, the laughter is infectious. Even if they didn't laugh, you know I would and I wouldn't have to worry about forcing it. I see the way they look at me, at us together and they smile...
I'll watch you and think of a time when we were just two strangers in a coffee shop. Two strangers, taking up two otherwise empty tables. One reading and one writing, but neither one paying much attention to what they were doing. I asked if I could join you and you smiled and said yes...

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Okay, so I've added some new links recently to my list on the right (go on, mingle - I'm sure you'll like each other!) So just in case there are new people coming by who've never seen this blog before, or for anyone who'd rather not dig through the old archive pile (can't blame you), I've made a short list of some previous posts so you all can get a better idea of the kind of stuff you may find here. Of course, there'll also be some smut and incoherent ramblings mixed in from time to time. I seem to have a tough time sticking to one particular theme!

(Really, I'm just feeling a bit embarrassed of my writing lately, yet not embarrassed enough to take it down so I'm half-trying to make up for it. And, okay - I'm really not quite sure what to write about next, so... humor me here, please!)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Free love, coffee and cute hippie girls

A reader's request or a joke? Well, I'm not one to shy away from such topics. Nothing noteworthy has happenend in that department for years, so I take you back to 1998...

Kissing her is like kissing yourself... well, if you could kiss yourself. The way her tongue stays politely in her mouth, waiting for yours to make the first invitation. It's how you would do it, if you were playing the girlie role, but in this case you feel like taking the lead. Once you've made that first move, she receives you as if she's been starving for it, for you, all along. Her tongue and yours dance in soft wet circles around each other. Eyes are closed, breathing is heavy. You stop to take a breath and share a nervous giggle. She tastes sweet and her berry-flavored lips are symmetrical with your own when slightly parted. Two lip glosses becoming one obscure flavor. You can't believe you're making out with her, but also can't believe that anyone could resist her. There's nothing softer or more delicious than her mouth. She makes you dizzy, heat rushing to your cheeks and between your legs. The small delicate features of her face make you almost want to hold back, be gentler than you normally would be. You don't grab a handful of hair at the nape of her neck like you would with him. You keep pausing to ask if she's sure she's okay and she smiles, rolling her beautiful brown eyes at you playfully. She seems so fragile under your hands, a way you've never seen her before. You just want to wrap your arms around her, keep her as your own, keep her safe. She's the most adorable little hippie chick you've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And you want to know more. But the reality sets in. Her boyfriend is waiting for her upstairs. She laughs out loud, runs a hand through her short dark brown hair and pulls another cigarette from her pack. "Just one more, I've gotta calm down" she says breathlessly. You're both flushed, and you roll down one of the steamed up windows of your car to let some cold air in. You turn back and see she hasn't lit her cigarette and she's looking into your eyes so deeply you almost feel naked in front of her. She runs her fingers through your long reddish hair, then pulls your face towards hers. She kisses you with confidence now, makes little noises of excitement in the back of her throat. Her hand has made it's way up your thigh and grips you, sending a shiver down your spine. You feel it deep within you, that feeling you're not supposed to feel, but you do...
"Really. Thanks again for the ride" she says, and you watch as the streetlight casts it's glow on her thin graceful figure, guiding her away from you once more...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Seasonal anxiety

When it comes to this time of year, I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed up until just about the last few moments when there is still time to make a plan. It's not that I don't love my family and extended family, I do. It's not that I don't know the importance of being together at Christmas, I do. Still, these last few years especially it's been very hard to pull myself up above my stupid feelings and be social. My mom would like us to go with her 3 hours north. My dad would like us to come to his house 3 hours south. Both parents stress the importance of seeing not only their side of the family but seeing the other parent's side of the family as well. Yet this year may be my only chance to have the leverage of us just buying a house and wanting to spend the first Christmas at home. J's parents live close, don't usually travel and are generally up for celebrating Christmas whenever, which is nice. My brother who lives 3 hours north has a girlfriend now and very little time off of work, so he may be inclined not to travel this year. However, in the last year our father has provided both my brother and I with vehicles to drive, so how can we not go visit him? I feel this enormous guilt, yet I'm still finding it difficult to commit to any plans. A big part of it that I hate to admit is my fear of driving, on the highway for long distances specifically. It's a paranoia that I've developed in the last few years, and it seems laughable to mostly everyone else. I know it's one of those things that I can only conquer by just facing it, and then it won't be that bad. But most times I only think about this when there comes the need for travel, which is usually at Christmas. Which is usually when the roads are the worst and my fears multiply. Ice is fucking scary. Whiteouts are fucking scary. Deer running in front of your car is scary. Then there's the actual Christmas part. I haven't even begun to shop or think about what to get people, and after looking at our budget and all these new expenses, I'm not sure it'll be anything much! At least last year, I thought I did pretty well, at least with the gifts for parents. And I know that's not everything, but still it does make me happy to give when I can. Then there's the spending the night if we do go out of town. I don't think we'd be able to afford a hotel room, but staying with family isn't always easy, either. My mom has reminded me that even though she doesn't have a problem with it, we shouldn't put relatives in the position to put us up in a room together. I can sort of understand, my mom's side of the family is Catholic and all. (And you know we're just dying to have hot nasty unmarried sex in some unsuspecting relative's house!) But yeah, I don't really like the idea of staying with family either and wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, including us.
I'm sure I could continue on with the complaining and the anxiety, but really I think I'm giving all of us a collective headache. I can't let myself get all freaked out, that doesn't help anything. But you know what does help, along with candy and inebriants and an understanding boyfriend? Being able to vent about it!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Movies & Malaise

Hey there, folks. Finally got a chance to write a bit. I started feeling sicky-icky on Sunday and that's continued on and off Monday and today. Yesterday I ended up staying home, curled up on the couch. I have to admit it was nice just being there, quiet and cozy. There are always lots of things I think I'll accomplish on a sick day, but of course that doesn't happen.
So I finally watched "The Notebook" all the way through - had only caught pieces of it before. I have to say, for being a "chick flick" it was really good. It was touching and romantic, and yes it even got me all teary eyed. Ryan Gosling has really grown up since his days on the Mickey Mouse Club, I tell ya! I've been liking Rachel McAdams more and more too, and it seemed like they had some good chemistry going on in that movie, both did a really good job. Sigh. Then I watched "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" and it was eh, okay. I think the first one was better. I did some laundry and napped for a couple hours after that. Over the weekend I also watched "Bewitched" with Will Farrell & Nicole Kidman. It was pretty cute, but no huge laughs really and not enough Steve Carell! Oh, and we watched "Robots" this weekend too, which was good and looked really cool with the animation and whatnot. Last night we watched "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves. I'm not a huge Keanu fan but it was okay if you like that kind of thing. Sort of comparable to the "Blade" kind of movies, though that might be an insult to some. So as you can see, we're trying to get the most out of our last month with Netflix! I think Netflix is great and everything, but it's just another expense that we should cut out. We went over our bills and budget last night - not fun!
Anyways, I should get back to bidness.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Why must I feel like that?

Dude... I mean it about wanting to hibernate. It's snowing again and will probably continue all day. Yeah, it's pretty but only when you don't have to go out in it.

I'm feeling sorta like the same old blah me. Even though I'm still not really sure what all that means. Still as moody as ever, even though the change in living environment has helped. I thought I had already gone on this journey of self-discovery 10 years ago. And then again 6 years ago. Maybe you just never stop learning, even about yourself. I'm less easily swayed than I used to be, but still feel that I try too hard to find a place where I fit in. Like it or not, and as anti-social as I may be, I do feel the need to bond with people. I'm just not very good at it. One of our mutual friends has moved back to town and I've been pretty thrilled about it, even if it's not under the best of circumstances that she's here. I've been longing for some female companionship and she's always fun to be around. But just like other relationships, I have to watch myself cause I'll be bound to fuck it up if I get too excited about it. In school, it wasn't always as hard to find friends. Granted, not all those bonds were much more meaningful than who you sat at lunch with or who would share their scented markers with you, but still. At my age, it's not as easy. Girls are tough to understand and be friends with. Then again, I haven't really put myself out there. I think I'll go hang out in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. Oh yeah.
I don't think this was even what I intended to write about in this post, but that's what came out. Eh, you know how it goes. I tend to get a little more down this time of year. It'll be fine though. I'll bounce back.

Why must I chase the cat?

Since we've moved in, our poor kitty has had a number of problems. At first, she seemed to adjust really well to the move. But I know it's always stressful for pets when there's a change to their environment. I thought, if anything, she'd be much better off here. We used to smoke in our little apartment, and now we have more room and don't smoke (well, I go outside) so I thought that would definitely be good for our cat. But she's lost her voice! Her mews and mehs just sound whispery now. I'm thinking part of it may be how dry it is from running the furnace or the fact that she hasn't horked up a hairball in quite some time, maybe it's lodged in there. She sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Then one of her ears was bugging her enough that she scratched it up really bad. Then she had a couple "accidents" so we took her to the vet. Poor kitty had an ear infection and a bladder infection. He didn't know about the lost voice or cough, other than suggesting x-rays. So, lemme tell ya - giving a cat 2 kinds of medicine is loads of fun! The antibiotic was banana flavored, which maybe is more enjoyable for a dog but was not appreciated by our cat, who made every effort to spit it out. Then the ear medicine. I can't blame her. Eardrops are bad enough, but greasy eardrops that have to be refridgerated must feel absoulutely disgusting. We're finished with the meds now and lately she's seemed like her normal self, other than the lost voice. She's playful, still trots and gallops from room to room, has a normal appetite, etc. She's got quite a bit of energy for being probably around 12 years old. So, I don't want to be a bad parent, but I really don't want to take her back to the vet for a bunch of tests either!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Send it off in a letter to yourself

It probably goes without saying, but I've felt a little blahhh lately. It's getting colder and darker outside. I feel the need to hibernate. And I'm craving corn. I don't know why - I just want some sweet, hot, buttery corn. Not popcorn though. At my last job, some people would microwave popcorn at every break and gab and bitch while chomping, often sending popcorn particles flying. Sometimes there were just too many dirty hands fighting their way into the popcorn bag. It just lost it's appeal. Plus, if you're not eating it, it kinda stinks sometimes. I don't know if it was the brand or what, but popcorn shouldn't smell like barf. Just my two cents.

Update: it's lunchtime and I didn't get my corn. Oh well. Decided on quick cheap Chinese food instead, as the boss and I both forgot or were too lazy to bring lunches. It's funny how every place will make the same dish a little differently. One of my good old standbys is cashew chicken. One place we go to will have it along with peppers, carrots and zucchini and will be in a brown sauce. Today's is with pea pods, mushrooms, water chestnuts (blech) and celery and is in that kind of flavorless snotty looking sauce. I was hoping it would have the baby corn in it, but oh well! Hmm, you know, as I sit here eating and typing.... it's really not that good. But maybe I'm more nauseated because the radio station is playing that medley from "Grease." Did I mention that for the most part, I cannot stand showtunes/musicals? Uggh. Must. Change. Channel. Oh no, "Old Time Rock n Roll" is on! What, are they trying to kill me? Alright, change it again. Steve Miller Band followed by Steely Dan. Yeah man... that'll work.

(Update: I did an image search for corn, and this was just so terribly cute, I had to put it up! There's more at

Monday, November 28, 2005

Annoying dream

You know those dreams where you're running away from someone or something, but it's like you're trying to run through quicksand? It's really frustrating, no matter how fast it feels like you're trying to go, it seems you're always way too slow and the chaser is inevitably going to catch up.
This morning I had a variation of that type of dream, and I remembered that I had had this dream before. This one is about needing to call 911 while I'm in danger. Something bad will happen, someone's coming after me and I've only got a couple seconds to try to make that call. Sometimes as soon as I have that thought, I realize the phone has been disconnected or the wires have been cut. Sometimes I have my cell phone but either the battery is dead or it has no signal. Then there are times when I do reach a phone that is working, but something always goes wrong while I'm dialing. It's only 3 numbers - how hard can it be? But somehow my fingers will not cooperate! Rrgghh!
So, back to this morning's dream. I sat up in bed after hearing someone rattling the front door. It was just him and me inside, and it was the middle of the night. Then I heard a key clicking inside the lock and the door being pushed open. Even in my dream, my heart was racing. I woke him up and told him someone was in our house. We groggily and defenselessly went into the living room. There were about 6 redneck scuzzy-looking people walking around like they owned the place. I didn't know if they were violent, or just ignorant, or both. One guy with a cocky attitude and lack of teeth looked up and said "who the hell are you?" to us. At that point I started yelling at him "What? Who the fuck are YOU? What the fuck are YOU doing here?" Then this big lady stepped in. "Where's the people who used to live here? Where's so and so?" and J told them calmly that it was our house now and they'd have to leave. The lady then told us that they had been taking care of the previous owner's dog and it had died, so they brought it back here to be blessed before burying it. (???) Then I saw that the lady was holding the dead dog under her coat! She was getting beligerent, like we had made this an inconvenience for her. She and her people would not leave. Then they accused us of this not being our house and what had happened with the people who lived here before? I said I was going to find the number of the guy who sold us the house and sneaked off to find my cellphone and call 911. Of course, every time I tried, different numbers came up. 714, 817, damn it I need 911! But as I've said, in my dreams it hardly ever works. Finally I think I had dialed correctly, but when they answered, this guy just said "yeah". "Is this 911?" I asked frantically. "Yeah" he said in a smirking tone. "Sounds like you've had a bad day." Ugghhh. "I need an officer to come to my house" I whispered "we've had a break-in." After a long silence, the guy on the phone said "alright... yeah, I'll send someone over, but it's probably going to be about 20 minutes." I hung up. I was afraid that the people in our living room were going to attack us and I didn't know what to do. At least we were able to hide while they ransacked our house. The police did arrive shortly, although they were confused and not that helpful. The rest was kind of a blur. What an annoying, frustrating dream!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

May turn girlfriend into a sleepyhead

He got the call last night.
The call he didn't think he'd get until after Thanksgiving had come and gone.
The call so many had hoped for, but were too far down the line to receive.
The call that meant he'd be the envy of others who had waited hours upon hours only to come home empty-handed.
The call that reversed his disappointment and replaced it with giddy anticipation.
The call that meant countless hours of revolutionary entertainment.
I was sitting next to him when he got the call.
His eyes lit up and he said "I'll be there right away" and jumped up to grab his coat.
It was the call that said "Your pre-ordered Xbox 360 is here at our store."

I'm not even a gamer, but I'll admit it is pretty amazing. For some reason though, whenever I'm watching him play video games, especially ones with a lot of action, I tend to want to pass out. I don't mean that I want to pass out from excitement or fear - I mean that literally my eyes will start drooping, my head feels all groggy and I find it extremely difficult to stay awake. The next thing I know, I've got a stiff neck from passing out on the couch for a couple hours. I know there's a warning along with video games about epileptic seizures, but I've never heard of them just making someone pass out. Is this all in my mind? He has no idea how I can stay awake through some long drama/romance movie but yet will fall asleep amidst huge surround sound explosions and intense combat on the screen. It has happened at different times of day too, so it's not always just that I'm tired at the time he's playing video games. This happens with action movies too, I've passed out during "Batman Begins" and other movies with a lot of special effects. What up widdat? My little brain can't handle anything too fast-paced?

Well, we're having 5 people over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Two of which haven't yet seen our new place. It should be a nice cozy gathering with lots of good food and company. I'm very thankful that he knows how to cook, and does it very well. I hope you all have a good time too and don't run into any bad traffic or family feuds. Take care.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Okay, I'll admit it. I'm one of those people. One of those people that is LATE. Not extremely, like overslept or had a hangover late, but still technically late by a few minutes. Or one that just manages to make it on time, but rarely is early. I hate it. I didn't used to be this way, really. It adds to my bad persona of being irresponsible or a slacker. It's not that I don't care, but it still happens way more often than it should. Okay, so we had a quickie this morning, but I can't exactly tell that to the folks at work. I don't know what I can cut out of my morning routine. I've gotten my shower time cut back to about 7-8 minutes, which is good for me. I suppose I could start taking a shower at night instead of the morning, but that kinda sucks and then I don't feel as fresh. Then there's getting dressed. This is the area I could improve on. I'm way too indecisive and there are mornings that 3 different things are tried on before selecting one, which was usually the first thing I put on anyway. But still, no matter what I wear I always end up looking half-assed. See, it's not that I'm spending all the time putting together this perfect outfit, it's that I'm just trying to choose which one is the least repulsive. Then there's my hair and makeup, which really ends up looking like I didn't bother with it at all. But I do. And that takes me a few minutes just to look acceptable enough to leave the house. Then I check on the cat's food and water supply, grab some sort of breakfast bar, beverage and sometimes a frozen lunch item before walking out the door. Then I realize how late I'm going to be and try to drive a little faster than usual. But I don't drive defensively enough. I pick my lane and I stay with it. I go the speed limit in certain areas where I know they have speed traps. Even in "safe" areas, I only go about 10 over at the most. Lame. I've tried the old setting the clocks ahead trick, but I'm always aware of it so it doesn't make much difference. I don't know, maybe I should be even more lame and get myself to bed earlier. I can't believe the people that get up and actually DO stuff in the morning before work, like going to the gym or cooking an actual breakfast. How do you do it? Ohhh, you and your damn energy and willpower and strive to be early, do-gooders!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

milk and cookies

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I hate it when I leave something up for way too long and it gets all dusty and stale. But my boobs would like to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions and concerns. No really, my boobs would like to thank you personally! (I know, it's Thursday so I should have a picture, but alas, I do not). So yeah, my breasts are doing fine and without getting into the "too much info" details, it's kinda related to being on the pill and my body tricking itself into thinking it's preggers. Weird, but yeah.

So... winter pretty much has been broughten. It's kind of pretty with the big fluffy kind of snowflakes, but the wind and ice are what really sucks. Every year, you have to get yourself back into winter driving mode. Resist urge to slam on brakes. Hit icy patch and say "woah, woah, hey now... easy now, easy. No spinning out please." There are always quite a few accidents after the first snow. Most people around here agree that half of the drivers are going way too slow and half of them are like "yee-ha, I gots me some 4 wheel drive, I'ma do 90 on the highway, not afraid of no snow." For the first time in my driving years, I have a garage to park in and I'm so thankful! Of course now there's also a driveway to shovel, but whatever it's a trade-off.

So... we've finally watched a few episodes of "My Name is Earl" to see what all the hubbub is about. It's pretty good, and I like Jamie Pressly. She's great at playing the bitchy kind of roles, cracks me up and I think she's dang ol' purty in a differnt kinda way. She's also in a couple silly movies that I like - "Joe Dirt" and "Not Another Teenage Movie". But anyways, yeah - you guys were right, it's a funny show. I like "The Office" too, so that works out well since it comes on right after. I've got a lot of TV to catch up on, so I think the only solution is to take a couple days off of work (coughs weakly). But don't tell anyone I told you.

So... to review: boobs - pretty good, winter - not so good, TV - good, but need more time to get reacquainted in order to give an accurate review.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I don't know how

Lately, I feel about as interesting as a piece of cardboard. I've been too tired to think very clearly. I'm kicking myself for the stuff I didn't get done this weekend, but at least we did keep busy. It will stay that way for awhile, and there will be less time for me to feel worried and useless. So now, the feelings come back to me while I'm at work and it's quiet. It really isn't fair to myself or the people around me, but mostly I keep it subdued.
For some reason, one of my boobs has been tingly, sorta itchy from the inside the last couple days. What's up with that? It looks normal enough, and if it was a skin irritation from detergent or lotion or something, why wouldn't it affect both boobs? Who knows. Maybe it's a very late growth spurt... heh, I could hope but probably not. So yeah... just don't mind me if I have to grab my breasts more than usual. Good thing I usually don't have people very closeby while I'm at work.
Sometimes I think I'm almost a hypochondriac, but then I think that really I'm not, I'm just a worrier. If I was, I suppose I would want to be called a hypochondriac because maybe there would be some sort of relief in saying what my affliction was. I don't really want to know what all is going on inside me. I'm chalking it up to anxiety.
I don't think this is going anywhere worthwhile. Cardboard, I tell ya.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Girlish babble

I'm eating a vacuum-packed turkey sandwich for lunch from the gas station. I sure as hell hope this was supposed to be sourdough bread! Guhh.

We finally watched "Sin City" last night. We've had it rented from Netflix for about 2 months now. Anyways, it was pretty good. Interesting. A few things were a little disturbing or were just kind of ridiculous, but they managed to break it up enough so that it wasn't too painful to watch. It was really well done. And I'm sorry to get all girly here, but.... Clive Owen? My hero! Mrrrowww. So intense. And fucking hot as usual. Mmmm... bend me in unthinkable ways with those strong, steady hands. Press your weight onto me, making me lose my breath. Cover my mouth with yours. I can take it like a good girl. Let me push the hair out of your eyes so I can look into them while you.... ohhh, fuck. This is not a good time to get worked up. Ahem. Sorry about that.

In other not so noteworthy news, I'm a dork. I mean, I already was, but am becoming even more so. Blah. I'm afraid that I'm "letting myself go" and it aint pretty. It's bad when you spend all this time in the morning getting ready, and then look at yourself and say "damn, well...I guess that's the best I can do." I need a haircut, my hair is getting long and the layers now look a little too shaggy. Need to have it recolored too, I'm not sure if I will go with the "Champagne Blonde" or "Brazilian Brown" that I've already got at home. I could use a makeover. I look so untogether. I never have hip footwear or put the right outfits together. I feel frumpy and outdated. Then again, I don't like taking advice on what to wear. I just need to put more effort into it. Yeah, it's vain and shallow but it would help my confidence.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Must be under a ham & cheese moon...

Virgo August 23 - September 22
"Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold."

I just checked my horoscope on The Onion and for once, it is so like me! Hot Pockets are usually my microwavable lunch of choice. People may scoff, but come on, that's some good eats!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Homos! Err, I mean homeowners

It was a long and busy weekend of moving and cleaning. I'm a little tired and bruised, but other than that I'm feeling good.
I feel rejuvenated. I was juvenated before, lost it... and then got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!*
So now I have the motivation, I just need more money. Yeah, I know - who doesn't? I don't expect us to have top of the line things**, at least not right away, but there's so much I want to buy for the home. I'm thinking now about stuff that I never cared about before: decorating, painting, yardwork, gardening, snow removal, etc. So many things to consider, but on a budget that can't be stretched too far.
On another note, I find myself a bit depressed when I see the holiday displays and hear the Christmas music in the stores lately. Something about a time that is supposed to be so happy seems awfully stressful. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's difficult when the family is spread out, and no matter what - someone always seems disappointed. Really what I would like is to stay at home. I really don't like to travel, especially when the weather is shitty. Plus it's the first Christmas in our new home! While I'd like to just skip the season altogether, some bartering, arguing and crying is probably inevitable. Maybe for once it won't be that way, but every year there seems to be a big argument between my mom and I, and the whole thing sucks. Even when it's "your decision" really the only "right" decision is to do what your family wants to do, or else you're a selfish little brat. Ughhh, why am I getting into all this now? What a downer.
Well, I look forward to checking in on your blogs and will write and comment when I can. It just might take a little longer til we're all settled, have the computer set up and all that stuff.

* modified quote from Pootie Tang

**but we did get a fancy shmancy new TV!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Nervous much?

For a blog being called "Nervous Thoughts", I'm not sure how much I've actually written about being nervous. But I'd rather not change the title to "Thoughts of General Malaise" or something like that, although... hmm, I think I'll keep that one on the back burner.

So, what happens to you when you get nervous? For me, it can be any combination of these symptoms:

  • butterflies, or in more severe cases, badgers fighting in my stomach
  • clenching or chattering teeth
  • frequent need to use the bathroom
  • inability to eat, or eating too quickly
  • shaky hands
  • sweaty palms
  • throbbing feeling in my head, tingly feeling in arms (raised blood pressure)
  • being extremely quiet, or speaking too quickly to be coherent
  • getting jumpy and skittish
  • running my hands through my hair, pulling on my hair
Another one is how I walk while nervous. I'm way too conscious of it, therefore I imagine it can look quite unnatural, like I'm teaching myself to walk with unfamiliar body parts. Like I've suddenly got plastic Barbie legs. I don't know what they have now, but back when I was playing with Barbies, I think they either had the hollow plastic legs or the rubbery bendable kind. It was supposed to be cool to be able to bend Barbie's knees, but you'd sometimes bend them too far or your brother would bend them backwards, which would cause her to pop her kneecap and rip the "skin" open. Poor Barbie. First that haircut and then a permanent disability on top of it. Plus, she couldn't afford the pink Barbie Corvette and got laughed at for her yellow Camaro knock-off. Yeah, she had a tough life...

Anyways, I'm growing more nervous as we get closer to the closing on our house (tomorrow). It doesn't take much for me to get nervous, but in this case I think it's natural - it's a pretty big thing after all! At least part of it is just being anxiously excited more than being scaredy-pants nervous. Woo hoo!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Joy of doodling

I came across this doodle from 1996. Never was too big on painting. Or sketching. But doodling, man - that was my thing. Sorta was theraputic for me in a way. It's sort of funny how my perspective has changed in some ways, yet in others it has stayed the same. My old journals from that time look pretty silly now, but some of it really isn't all that different. But it's kinda good to look back and see that at the time, when I thought life was so horrible and hopeless, it really wasn't all bad. Not all the time. And I got through it then, and I will now. It'll be okay. I guess even when my emotions only seem to be varying shades of gray, I'm never very far from either end of the spectrum: dark fades into light, and not too good inevitably turns into not too bad.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Sick of Myself

I've got a winning combination of emotions today - self-loathing, disgusted, bored and horny. Don't you love when that happens? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I just have to wait for it to pass and continue to be bland and predictable. I don't like it when I'm like this and I don't blame others for getting fed up with me. But I figured that at least here on this blog, I'm somewhere that I shouldn't have to pretend. Still, I wish I had something better to say! I think I'll just read your blogs instead.

Halloween Song of the Day

I can see why my oldest brother introduced me to Ministry by loaning me "12 Inch Singles" first. It's more synth-poppy and a bit easier on the ears than their later stuff, and has the angsty lyrics that I so enjoyed. Still a favorite from my small collection of industrial music.

Everyday is Halloween - Ministry

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is Halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

Friday, October 28, 2005

Bad radio

So, with the TV on the fizzle and most of our CDs packed, and due to sheer laziness, we've been listening to a lot of poop, err pop radio lately. I have my guilty pleasures, but damn, there's a lot of shit music out there.

- I could live without ever hearing that whiney-ass Frankie J again.
- Usher just pisses me off. Shut up.
- What's up with the new Black Eyed Peas song? I had to look up the lyrics and yes, she really is saying "lovely lady lumps" ummm, is that supposed to be the new catch phrase? Because all I can picture is your disease-ridden naughty parts.
- Neither of us can listen to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West without getting up and shaking our booties. In the privacy of our home, of course.
- Although she seems to be hangin with more homies lately, it appears that Mariah Carey has lost her soul. He corrected me by saying that she never really seemed to have one, and is more of an emotionless puppet.
- The "rock" songs they play are few and far between, and then it's just wussy bullshit like Nickelback and whatever the fuck all the other ones are called.
- I don't know why, but I like Ciara. She's freaky and I just find her funny for some reason. But I'd rather watch her videos to see her crazy dance moves.

I'm sure I'll add more to this list. What radio songs piss you off lately?

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last night. Sorry I don't yet have something more cheerful or um, good to share...
I've been going through my old notebooks again. It's interesting to come across things I don't remember and having all those feelings come back to me. Below is something I came across that I wrote about 10 years ago, and I'm guessing it was most likely written when I started taking Prozac. For some people, it can tend to have the side effect of making them more depressed and suicidal at first and I think that was the case with me. Then again, we have to consider that I was a teenager and thought I was "deep"....

I feel the fear that you call weakness. I live the popular lie of disillusionment, and even that gets old. But what I ask is, how can I believe in anything when my mind is only a clean blank slate for you to write your ideas on? Everywhere I turn, the beliefs turn into fear and I wonder why the hell am I here? In present tense, I just need something so I can sleep at night. Maybe we all do. And to believe in your non-beliefs would still be wrong to you if it was true, because they would be your words and not mine. The fear is always here, of a fate worse than death. So I turn to suicide so I can be in control, so I can get to me before you can. And it's not to say it's your fault, but your eyes are boring into my skull and now I'm thinking your thoughts because you have written them there. And what am I supposed to do? I just want to sleep at night and know that I'll wake up. And to get by in this world I have to believe in lies or else be persecuted from all sides.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

more f****d up dreams

Let's recap the dreams I've had lately, shall we?

A few nights ago, I was dreaming about the new house. Everything worked out and we were settling in nicely. Then I went to take a shower, turned the water on and got in, and all of a sudden noticed that there was a section above the shower where the paint was peeled back and there was a hole in the wall. These nasty fucking earwigs (if you don't have them where you live, be grateful) started creeping out of there like I had awakened them. I got out of the shower to get some bug spray, but when I came back, they were literally hundreds of them pouring down the wall. It was fucking gross and disturbing. I woke up at that point.

I also had a dream recently about this girl I used to know. (No, this one isn't sexual, because in real life I really don't like her anymore). My boyfriend told me he had talked to her ex boyfriend recently and forgot to tell me that she had committed suicide. I was surprised because no one I've met boasts about themself as much as she does and because she's a mother of a young child. What could've happened to her life? Her ex boyfriend didn't seem too surprised by it though, like it was something that everyone expected. It was fucked up. I was trying to find an explanation, but no one would come out and tell me, and it was too late anyway. Really depressing.

Just a warning, this next one gets a little graphic.... but we're all adults here, right?

The other dream I had was quite a bit more pleasant, or at least interesting, although strange. I was at some sort of nightclub with a lot of gold-ish decor. There was loud music playing, people dancing, and everyone was having a good time. Dancers were on the stage, grinding slowly to the music. I was getting drunk and felt sexy and powerful. I looked down and I was wearing a sheer black floor-length robe, heels and thigh high stockings attached to a garter belt. I don't remember what else, if anything, I had on. I settled into a chaise lounge type of chair and adjusted my stockings, slowly running my hands up my legs and letting my long dark hair fall into my face. My boyfriend and his coworkers wandered over, drinks in hand and visibly buzzed. He sat down next to me and we started making out, getting touchy feely and not caring who was watching. Our breath quickened and things became more heated. Without hesitating, I unzipped his trousers and found him hard as a rock against my hand. People around us were wooping it up, and we were putting on a show for them. All my inhibitions were gone, so I pushed him back onto the lounge chair and kneeled over him, sucking his cock while on all fours with my ass raised in the air. My lips and tongue worked around his shaft and I tried taking him as deep as I could, showing off for the crowd. He wasn't embarrassed, and sort of laughed, saying "See? I told you she was good." I lifted my head up for a moment and noticed that his boss was standing right next to us and was pulling on his own stiffened cock. It didn't bother us, and I smiled mischieviously, raising up on my knees to his level. I pulled him towards me by his belt, his erection poking out of the fly of his pants. With one quick movement, I had his entire cock in my mouth while I was being spanked by my boyfriend. I began alternating between the two until I was dizzy. It wasn't degrading, it was more a sense of confidence with being the center of attention. As you can imagine, it made for a sticky situation. (heheh)

I said they were fucked up dreams!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Monday night

Just when I was starting to think that maybe I've spent a bit too much time on the computer, and maybe I should perhaps move on to other forms of entertainment... Just when I was thinking of all the good movies to watch at any time on the DVR... Just when I decided to get back into "We Love Katamari" and was almost getting better at it... Our precious TV crapped out on us! Yeah, we've been TV junkies for a while now, so it's a disappointment. Ah, well I suppose the timing is just right. I need to get back into the swing of things and should be spending my time packing and cleaning anyway. But still... that's another expense we weren't expecting. Poop!

Reminds me of a quote from The Simpsons "The Shinning" episode:
"No TV and no beer make Homer... something something"
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do!"

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Moving right along...

Ughh. Sorry about leaving that last (bad) post up so long. I think all the stuff going on has made me overly sensitive and crabby lately. But it's been a good, productive weekend and things are moving right along. There are boxes and bags all over the place and hopefully we'll be out of this apartment in less than a month. I need some sleep, but will post again soon. Hope everyone's doing well out there!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

27 going on... 7?

Sometimes it's hard to tell you what I'm thinking. My mind's all a mess anyway. But even if I could figure out what I am and what I want to express, I can't picture anyone really understanding. I can't picture myself finding my group of people, like the bee girl in the "No Rain" video. I've been sort of associated with different groups before, but never felt like I really belonged. I guess that's why you've got to decide who you are and just put yourself out there without giving a fuck. I don't know how to act. I like to be alone, but I like attention too. I'd like to be interesting and not annoying. I don't think there is anything intriguing about me. People just assume they know me, that meek little doormat girl who you know wants to be your friend. Even though you don't really like her, you'll give her the time of day once in a while just to make you feel better about yourself. I don't know - I like sarcasm, I like abstract things, I like deep thoughts and poetry, I like people who make me stop and think and wonder. But I also sometimes wish that people wouldn't play these fucking characters. Just to be elusive and not let anyone get close to you or see that you have feelings. Maybe because when I was younger, I pretended to other people that things were fine when they weren't. Even though they probably knew anyway. And I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't allowed to. It would piss me off greatly when my mom had just gotten into a huge screaming argument with me or my brothers, but as soon as the phone rang she was all fake-cheery and laughing it up with her friends. I know there are reasons people do that, and it's usually to protect themselves, but sometimes I have to just stop sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending it's not there. Then again - I don't know, perhaps I would be a better, stronger, more respectable person if I didn't go around admitting my weaknesses and feelings?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Roll it up!

Have I mentioned that Katamari Damacy & We Love Katamari are just wonderfully trippy addictively fun games?! I'm not saying I'm good at playing, but it's enjoyable to watch too! (Ok, I'll admit it - I just can't deal with disappointing the King of All Cosmos if my katamari's not big enough - he's so harsh!) I'm listening to some of the songs off the soundtracks at work right now. Because really, who doesn't love Japanese video game music? Oh. Well, okay - maybe that's not the best description. You'll just have to give it a chance yourself! (Inebriation helpful, but not necessary for enjoyment.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


Hey! Here are some more reasons not to fuck up your credit if you still have the chance. When you do eventually get to a point in your life where it matters, the shit will come back to haunt you. Despite your know-it-all ex-boyfriend's insistence that phone bills won't count against you, and that you should put it in your name and not his, and your trust that he will help you pay it off after he orders a top of the line cordless phone, headset and answering machine from the goddamn phone company who you know charges up the ass for that, you will be the one responsible for it. Long after you've been broken up, changed residencies 3 times and years have passed. Yes, everyone makes stupid mistakes and does shit that their parents groaned about and told them not to, but when you get a little bit older and wiser, you'll realize "fuck! that was important!" as you are denied credit cards, loans, leases, etc. And these people don't want to hear another sob story about you being young and dumb and unemployed back then. Or about how you had a joint account at the video store and he told you he'd be sure to return those movies. They don't even want to hear about how responsible you try to be now or how you've gotten your life together. Suck it up and pay it off!

So, okay - you've got the money now, you've seen the marks on your credit report and you want to make amends. Is it too little, too late? Oh, no - it's never too late for them to take your money. But you would've been smart to pay off your original debt before it got turned over to a collection agency. Because you will have to pay them on their terms. Some of them try to make it as painless as possible, although just finding out if their company exists and is legit and has a telephone number is a feat of it's own. Once you call, they know they've got you where they want you. These are not real people, folks! Okay, perhaps they're real but they've been jaded by so many other dumbfucks like yourself that they could really give a shit less about you trying to clean up your bad credit and resort to reading their script like an automaton. The other tactic I love is that they will refer to themselves as Mr. or Mrs. - like you lowlifes better refer to them like you would a teacher or an adult with authority because regardless of age, you are not at their level. It's not Shaniqua, it's Ms. Brown to you! Ms. Brown doesn't want you to send a check but she will gladly take your account and routing number from your checking account, since you have proved yourself too stupid and untrustworthy to make the payments yourself. The money will be taken out on the day of the month that is most convenient... for them of course. Or you have option B - which I used with my one other debtor that I owed a very insignificant amount to. You can pay with a credit (ahem, ok - debit) card over the phone for the small "convenience" fee of $7.50. Sure, easy enough. Except for when you can barely understand this person who you are giving your important information to, and they can't understand you either. Four fucking times I repeated my card number before he read back the correct numbers that I gave him, and then he says "ok maam, now I'm gonna need you to read those numbers to me backwards" - oh come on, I think he was just fucking with me at that point! But you know, that's my punishment for not paying them for like, 5 years. So I've paid everything off at this point. One company did what they said and reported that it was paid. The other one tells me I have to pay another $7.50 "convenience" fee for them to send me something saying it's paid. Fine. Oh, but the computer can't generate that report right now, it'll take another week. So call back then. Yep. Exactly. That's what I get.
Grumble grumble.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Two Blogger B-days!

Did you know that it's both Lisa AND HemisphereDancer's birthday today?! What are the chances?! So if you haven't already, get to the well wishings!

In honor of our birthday Libras, here are a few horoscopes for them that I've come across today, take them as you will:

"You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine."

"Heavy weights can be a burden in the desert. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Unless you're talking about defecation..."

"Master the art of loving yourself -- cherish your imperfections and so will others."

Wow... and these were the better ones I found! Also, you two happen to share the same birthday as: Eminem, George Wendt and Norm MacDonald. Nifty, huh? Hope you both have wonderful birthdays, my dear friends! Cheers!

Friday, October 14, 2005

I'd make a good groupie

Like a lot of other people, there's a certain fascination I have with musicians, artists and writers. I'm not musically inclined myself, although I did uhh, used to sing but umm, err, *cough cough* don't do that so much now. The "group" I was in, in my freshman year of highschool is comparable to the "Getting Gay with Kids" joke on an episode of SouthPark. "We want to see teeth and smiles people, and don't forget the jazz hands!" But that's another story. As for any artistic talent, that's gone about as far as doodling for me. Writing, well - I'm working on that.

I can really appreciate the talents of others though, even though mine shadow in comparison. My boyfriend J (or as he sometimes likes to be called, Chubby Whites™) - happens to be ridiculously talented in all creative areas. (Yep, I'm gonna embarrass you honey) He plays acoustic and electric guitar, keyboards, piano, harmonica... and he writes songs and sings them well! I wish I could've seen him in his days of rockin the open mic night, but have been lucky enough to hear some private performances since we've been together. There's just something about a man and his guitar, so determined, pouring out his emotions, singing things like "she likes the taste of cum" (and no, that's not about me, even though there's nothing wrong with that). It just kinda makes your heart all fluttery. Plus he's an excellent artist, web designer, comedian and a friggin actor, too. Yep, he's just a disgustingly talented little bastard. But it works, as I am more inclined to be a fan than a performer.

Before him, I had a couple experiences with bass players, who are also pretty cool. They're alright with not being the frontman and they get that faraway detached look in their eyes that the ladies love. Very intriguing. Anyways, the point of the story is the song one bass player wrote for me. At least that's what he said. Who am I not to be flattered? It's in my girly nature. But get this, we had to listen to it on a tape in his car, and he wouldn't let me keep or copy the tape. All it was, was a couple minutes of a bass line. No words. No melody with a lead guitar, no drums, just the bass. I mean, bass is cool and all, but... alone, it doesn't really make a song. But it was the thought that counts, right? I can't remember, but I hope I didn't swoon and cry or something stupid that I probably would've done at that age. After all, he did blow me off for a 15 year old not too long after that. But yeah, he had a mohawk and a chain with a padlock around his neck, which he gave me the key to! No, that doesn't make him more cool? Well, that's ok - he didn't end up being that cool anyway. But we'll get to the story of my losing my virginity to him another time, perhaps. Anyone have a groupie story to share?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

meh. bleh. feh.

I've been a worthless piece of crap lately at work, but somehow I don't think anyone will notice...
My head fucking hurts! Maybe it's the changing weather. I'm stuffed up, and whenever that happens, the whole right side of my head aches. The only thing that usually helps is drinking something hot or laying on my left side to ease the pressure. Lights are too bright, sounds are too loud, ack - all my senses get irritated. Ohhh, a nap would be so nice right now.
Shout out to the nice peeps who put up with me even though I may take a little while to write them back! It's always good to hear from you and get a little somethin-somethin in the old inbox.
Oh, and in regards to the house situation: it's still cool, I'm still excited, but I really hope neither of us gets electrocuted trying to fix anything in the future! I mean, I think that's only fun for a second before it would like, really really suck. Just a thought.

I would write more, but right now I can't focus. Blehhh!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

more quizzes

I'll see your weirdness quiz....

You Are 20% Weird

Not enough to scare other people...
But sometimes you scare yourself.

....and raise you another quiz!

You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.
You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.
A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.
But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.


So sleepy. It occurred to me that perhaps I wouldn't be in such a shitty mood all the time if I just got the right amount of sleep. It's getting darker earlier and staying dark in the mornings now. Grrmmph. So hard to get out of bed. So cold. Need to hibernate. Sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better in the morning is to lay on my stomach with one hip cocked so I can press my aching abdomen into the softness of the bed. And then I really don't want to get up. Stupid female reproductive system. I can't believe how unsympathetic women can be about something that only affects women. It must be nice, you cramp-free, low-flowin bitches! But I digress...

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I dream about cars, too

Okay, alright. You want to hear about my unsexual dreams? Would that be more appropriate?
So another recurring dream that I have, isn't so much that it's always the same dream, but there are some of the same things in the background. You know, things that just seem part of life in your dream, but are nothing spectacular? For example, I commonly have dreams lately in which I am about to go somewhere and have 3 cars to choose from. The great thing is, I like to have variety and all of the cars are in good shape so I can just pick whichever one fits my mood. One is my first car, the Honda - all unsmashed and brought back to life in just as good of shape as it was 10 years ago. Then there's my Mazda, which is the newest of the three and in the best shape, but I don't want to drive it much so I can keep it nice. Then there's a Chevy Beretta which I have never owned in real life, but I've thought about it and for some reason I like them. I think mostly because on really bad snowy, icy days I would watch to see what cars got around the best, and I saw a lot of Berettas that had no problem getting around. And they're just not that cool, but not that lame either. So in my dream, I'm just happy to have these choices. Just like to have the luxury of having different options, and not having to depend on just one car. Usually I end up taking my first car, even though there's no stereo or anything fancy about it, there's just a special bond there. Does that say something about my psyche? See, folks? I don't ask for much! Most people would want something expensive and sporty and brand new, where as I have a fondness for mid-priced cars with average expectations. I also seem to want to root for the underdog whenever I have choices. Not that I don't appreciate the faster and fancier choices... I'm just weird like that I guess.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dreams that were almost cool, I guess

*I don't want you reading this if you know me in real life, or if you're easily offended by slightly suggestive material, but they're just fuckin dreams, people. It's really nothing, so please don't hold it against me.*

Granted, I've been pretty fucked up this weekend. And granted, things are changing in my life right now and there's a lot on my mind.
But the dreams I've been having lately - what the fuck? The other night, I had a dream that I was on the run with 2 women. One of them I loved, and the other one loved me, but everybody didn't love everybody else. We stole this big truck and went to some factory and pretended we worked there so we could steal some shit. I grabbed 2 cartons of cigarettes, a big box full of different Kellogg's cereals and a big jar of pickles. What that's all about, I have no idea. But as we were on our way out, we got caught and it really sucked so my mind kinda stepped in and said "this dream is stupid. I'm ending it now." So really, it wasn't that cool.
Then last night, I had this dream that I was driving around somewhere I didn't know. There were a bazillion different lakes in this town, and it was very quiet there. I went into this grocery store and ended up being held hostage there for a few hours. It wasn't so bad. To pass the time, I went to the hosiery aisle and tried on all the different thigh highs and stockings and modeled them for the other people who were stuck there. Then I just left and it was no big deal. I drove around this strange town for a while and then stopped at some weird old place with a windmill. This girl I used to know was there, I haven't seen her since it was popular to have huge bangs and use tons of hairspray. Our moms were friends and we used to play together. We used to tell each other our secrets and talk about the boys we liked. I asked her if she was still as boy-crazy as ever, and she told me no, that she had decided that she really knew all along that she was a lesbian. And that it was difficult and lonely for her, living in a small town in the middle of nowhere. And I was all comforting as I half-hugged her from the side. My head sort of rested on her shoulder and she smelled so nice and sweet. Before I knew it, my lips had attached themselves to her soft, warm neck and my hands were in her hair. Her mouth was small, soft and shiny with pink lipgloss and I lightly bit her lower lip as we kissed. But that's as far as it went, and then I felt bad and apologized. I was giving her my cell number and again, my brain stepped in and was like "ehh, that's it, time to wake up" and I did, confused....

Friday, October 07, 2005

Regressing & Depressing

It stinks in here like burnt coffee. I didn't make it or drink it, but I will try to clean out the sludge that was boiling on the bottom of the pot.
I'm tired of being told that I look tired. I am tired, and no amount of sleep would be enough to fix me. Maybe I just look like shit, and it's not that I'm tired at all. Maybe I need to take some iron supplements. Whatever.
Advice over here, advice over there. I just don't want to get screwed out of lots of money that I don't have. Everyone has their own ideas for other people's lives. It all looks so simple from the outside, when you don't have to live it. I don't know anything and I don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes you realize that nothing will ever be right, because you won't let it be. Something will always be missing, and it's all in my head. I tried to be happy for a little while, and it made me sad. Because it's really bad when something good happens to you and no one wants to hear about it. Or there's just no one to tell. When have they ever been happy for me? You people that I don't even know can be happier for me than people in real life, and that's sad. I don't have any girl friends or girlfriends, for that matter. I'm jealous. I want to live vicariously through others.

Spooky talk

So, you know I've been on the topic of getting a house lately and I don't want to bore you too much with that. So here's something everyone can identify with - have you ever felt the presence, or been spooked by previous owners of the home? Do you believe in the paranormal? I've heard lots of stories from people with older homes, who truly believe that they are haunted. I don't get that feeling about this home, and it was only built in the 60s, but still... can a house be haunted even if no one died there? Why do so many people tell me that the ghosts they see are children? I don't know much about this kind of stuff, and try to take it all with a grain of salt. It just seems like everyone has a ghost or paranormal story of some kind, so I'm putting the topic out there for discussion. Seems fitting with it being a chilly October day, too!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Time for a quote

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-Anais Nin

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Either way, someone won't be happy

I kind of feel like I'm going to throw up, but other than that I appear to be not going completely crazy. That's usually the way it is, I will freak out about the little things and then when it comes to real things I feel oddly calm and detached...

No, wait - I am freaking out!

My mom didn't really need to remind me of what I need to worry about. Doesn't she know that's what I do, is worry? I can't remember her ever being really behind me in any decision I've ever made. Well, that is, on my own... if it was a decision she was involved in making then it was okay. You know, like "it's up to you, but..." and you know the only right choice is whatever it is they want you to choose. I know, people just generally want to influence me since I am so easily influenced, and they mean well mostly. At the same time though, it further promotes my feeling of being immature and helpless when they do that, and I let them. I know I'm to blame. I don't want to look back at my life years from now, and think of all the things I didn't just put my foot down and do, for me.

more later.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Another time

I know, I know - I just keep posting lyrics. But I keep getting these words stuck in my head, and my own thoughts are too scattered to put into my own words right now. There are things I wish I could write, things I wish I could tell you. Wish I was better at expressing myself, thank God for music.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

Sunday, October 02, 2005

"Get a leg up on the pile"

We've outgrown this place. Almost every day there's a reminder that we don't belong here, and it's just getting worse and worse. I'm hoping a change of scenery will also improve my general mood and way of life. I can't get my hopes up too much and jinx it, but it would be amazing if we ended up in a HOUSE in the very near future. I'm just imagining the things we'd say to each other, that you just don't hear until you're a homeowner, like:

"I think it's in the garage"
"I'll just do this load of laundry while we're waiting"
"I'm down here, in the basement!"
"Sure, you can stay with us, we've got room at our house"
"How are we gonna make our fucking mortgage payment this month?"

You know, stuff like that. Would we become like the people we work with, who look forward to the weekends solely to complete a DIY project? Would we say stuff like "equity" and "interest rates" and "Home Depot"? Eeeek! We'd almost sound like grown ups!

Check out this reference to mortgages on!

big meanies

Sometimes people say or write shit that is so mean and so deeply insulting, you don't even get mad. You don't even want to argue. It may just hit you the wrong way, and other times you wouldn't care. And you don't want to show that you do care, so you turn away so no one can look at you. But your heart has dropped into your stomach and given you that sick feeling, and there's this heat rising up the back of your neck.
And you'll think of an appropriate comeback, 2 days later when it doesn't matter anymore. That's just the nature of things.

Friday, September 30, 2005


My mind is in the clouds. I'm a dreamer. My hopes will build up so high, they are destined to fly away like a kite that's lost it's string, destined to get tangled in a live wire and burn to a crisp. And all I will have left is what I began with, a dream.
I'm still not sure what exactly it is, or what I would do if it came true. So I tried to stop thinking about it. I don't want to have to seek it out this time. It should happen naturally. It's this partially finished puzzle that's been sitting out for 10 years collecting dust. I keep trying to put the wrong pieces into place because I want them to fit so badly. But it'll never be finished. As many pieces as I take, I give as many away. My edges are frayed and worn from trying to fit where they don't belong. Perhaps I could learn how to take your shape, and find somewhere we could both fit into place.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

different camera, same crazy look

Still not much of a photographer, as you can see.
My cat looks like she's posessed and has something to say!

I can't help but look like a deer in the freakin headlights. But eh, that's what I'll put up for now, until I can't stand it and take it down. Seriously, I freak myself out.

Random oddity

On my way home from work today, I was behind this early 90s red Buick. On the back window, neatly centered, was one lone bumper sticker. In a delicate white scripty font it read "I'm A Cock Sucker" - I had to smile.

Good songs for sad days part 2

Between the Bars - Elliott Smith

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again, between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Seperate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Silly post #108

Ever embarrassed yourself not by saying the wrong thing, but saying the words incorrectly? There are some words that just make me giggle when they are mispronounced. I'm guilty of this too, sometimes the first time you see a word you just get it in your head how it would sound, and even after you're corrected, it's hard to forget. It wasn't that long ago that I said film noir as film no-eer or pronounced wanton as won-ton but hey, those are words I don't often use!

I always thought it was funny that when my dad says white, it's like he switches the w and the h around and says "hwite" - I don't know, maybe that's old school.

My favorite mispronunciation came from a lady I used to work with. She was known for this, or just using the wrong words. Like I don't know how many times when listening to the radio she said "Ooh, that's Jason Timbaland!" and I would say "Goddamnit, it's Justin Timberlake, I told you that 5 minutes ago!" But the best was when she was making a comment about having a big butt, and trying to say derriere but said "my big di-ah-ree-er" which just, you know, doesn't sound good.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Where it stops, nobody knows

Monday. Bleh. Work to be done and all that crap. Had stuff I wanted to write about, but that will have to wait a little bit.
So, Jim's gone (from It's Jim), and seems as if he's pretty sure he's not coming back. He will be missed. Did something awful happen, did something wonderful happen to make him do away with his entire blog? Will he change his mind? I don't know. I thought you people knew you couldn't leave the friendship/support group thing we have going on here! Okay, okay you can leave - we just like to know what's going on. Hope everybody is doing well.

By the way, the new Death Cab for Cutie album, "Plans" is pretty fucking cool man! It's good for that quiet, reflective, thoughtful, tears falling into your coffee kind of mood. In a good way.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

"Say A Prayer for Texas"

I'll be thinking of those of my southern blogger friends, especially Blush and Dave. You're some wonderful folks and I hope you're all somewhere safe. If SayUnderpants isn't back from her cruise, I hope she's made it safely away from the danger.

You know I worry - it's my thing.

I love you people!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Boobs can't always be free

I had this idea that perhaps I should carry a spare bra around with me.

I've got plenty in my drawer that aren't getting much use. What can I say? You know, if something's on clearance and well, it's pretty close to my, it'll probably work. Or that's what I tell myself. I don't want to try it on - hell no! It looks like it'll fit, what, should I hold it up to myself and look in the mirror? Eh, fuck it, I'll buy it anyway because it's cute. And then it sits in my drawer and doesn't get worn, or it gets worn once and I either have a bad day of strap-adjusting or boob lifting, or I have trouble breathing, and it gets tossed back in the drawer. So why do I buy bras that might not be my size? Sometimes it's a matter of wishful thinking. I guess now, finally at the age of 27 I should accept the fact that my boobs probably aren't going to keep growing, ya know? I mean, they're a good handful, but my hands are pretty small. The other thing is that even though there are universal charts for measuring your bra size, all manufacturers seem to vary. I personally like the ones that run small, so I can buy the next cup size up, look at the cashier like yeah, that's right!

But anyways, why in the hell would I carry one of these spare uncomfortable bras around with me? Well, simple: there are women out there who desperately need them, and they might as well be put to good use. You know a woman's in a bad way if she's got nips the size of cocktail weenies that are just hanging out under an ill-fitting shirt. The kind that make you sort of grimace and try not to look like it's bothering you. It makes me sad. I don't think it's on purpose. Going bra-less in the summer, wearing a halter top or tank is one thing if you've got small boobs, but this just aint right. And twice at my new job, women have come in asking me for something or other with this problem. This goes along with another story I have about people off the street being drawn to me because I'm a target for the homeless/mentally ill/crackhead type (and as you remember - anyone selling anything). I'm really not the type that doesn't care about these people, and I'm not trying to be insensitive. Other people have told me to NOT give money or anything to these beggars, but since I'm not using these bras anyway... I could at least offer the ladies some uhh... support?

Good songs for sad days part 1

"A Lack Of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry, lover
It's really bursting at the seems
Absorbing everything
The spectrum's a to z

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone

To call at 7:03
and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
But i know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay [x3]

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

New cam - still getting the hang of it

"Misdemeanor" Muffers

Being blessed by the cat

Creepy laundry room

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Skanks a plenty

So the other day this little boy came running up to me and said "Hey, hey lady! Do you have children?" and I was kind of like "No" like he should know that. But then I realized I'm the only one my age around here that doesn't have a little kid running around. Our building has become a popular place for some skanky baby-mommas and all they drama. What really pisses me off lately is when they sit outside on the front stoop (I can't even call it a front porch, it's not made to look inviting) ignoring their kids, being loud and blocking the entranceway. That's nice, so you can't just go about your business without having to cross these people. The newest neighbors have a little girl whom I've introduced myself to, but her "parents" are unlikely to give you a nod of recognition. I have no idea which baby daddy is which, but daaaang, these girls like some nasty dudes. Here's some examples of baby daddy requirements:

  • must have truck that needs to be worked on and makes a lot of noise
  • must get into verbal arguments in the parking lot about visitation rights
  • must be shirtless or wear sleeveless shirts and baseball hats
  • must have at least 3 creepy friends to come along when visiting the baby momma
  • must be at least partially redneck or whiteboy-thug
So, just another example of apartment life at it's finest!
I don't want to get paranoid, but that's what I do. I keep smelling something weird that's like the chemicals in a perm or sulfur. I can't figure out if it's just our nasty water or our nasty neighbors.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My 100th post = ehh, same old stuff...

Alright. Here's a recap of the blog so far, in case you're new around here and didn't catch season one of Nervous Thoughts. I went back and reviewed my archives to give you an example of the types of posts on this blog:

  • 21% personal stories/memories/dreams
  • 19% pictures
  • 16% attempts at humor
  • 14% nonsense
  • 13% observations
  • 8% depressed stuff
  • 8% work stories

Yep, I nerded out like that. But I'm not making a pie chart.

Here's something cute to look at, though - the red panda! It's about time to start working in some of these zoo pictures from 2 years ago.

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Do you ever have dreams that start out as uninhibited and incredibly hot, then twist into something completely lame? Well, it's quite frustrating. Or do you ever end up being rejected in your dreams? How bad is that, when you're rejected in your own fantasies? It happens to me sometimes, but that is probably because I am messed up and even my subconscious knows that.
It's always the leading up to it that's the exciting part, but then before anything happens something ruins it or it morphs into another dream.

This can't be right

Your Seduction Style: Sex Pot

Tradionally known as a "siren", "rake", or "femme fatale." You exude sensuality.
And while your sexiness is part of what makes you an incredible seducer...
Your ability to make others feel sexy is what really makes your seduction skills shine.

Most people don't feel attractive or desired enough - a need which you tap into.
You have the ultimate sex appeal, and getting attention from you is a total self esteem boost.
Your confidence is contagious, and you help others unleash their own sexuality.

Your sex pot seduction skills are so intoxicating that you can get away with... well, almost murder.
Lovers feel like your sensuality is in your blood, so it's only natural if you flirt a little.
And if you stray, that might be okay as well - as long as you make your lover still feel hot.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Bad Combination

fucked up already
bad blog post

Oh, and I have no idea what I'm doing with PhotoShop.
And yes, this picture is very unflattering.
Nope, the new camera didn't show up.

Getting closer

I've been tracking my online purchase and I'm thinking it might even arrive today! I rarely buy myself anything really nice, (which, in my case this is more than I would normally spend) so I hope that it's worth it. Anyone out there have this camera? Reviews?

So you know what that means! I'll be posting more pics soon. Of what, I do not know yet...

Not too surprised

Your Inner Child Is Scared

Like a kid, you tend to shy away from new experiences.
You prefer what's tried and true - novelty is scary!
New foods, new places, and new friends are difficult for you to deal with.
Some say you're predictable, but you enjoy being comfortable.

I'm not normally big on taking quizzes, but this one kinda goes with the territory. Let me know what you get if you take it.
I'll be hiding under the covers.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

The rain and the brain

Does anyone else get the sinus pressure headaches, especially when it rains? Barometric pressure and whatnot. Yesterday, the whole right side of my head hurt and was stuffed up, and now it's aching and stuffy on the left side.
So, a sort of related story. I was reading about a claim today in which the doctor made an incision in the right side of the patient's brain before he realized it was supposed to be the left side. I can just picture the surgeon in the operating room, though. "Now when you say left side, do you mean my left or his left?"