I'm still having cookies for breakfast

Without being overly critical, I'd have to say the Christmas festivities went quite well. With being overly critical, I'd say that I didn't do enough planning ahead, I should've done more for people, I probably made some bad gift purchases, I should've sent packages, I could've been a much better hostess, blah blah blah, etc. But no major hitches, most likely because we kept everything low key and didn't travel. I feel like we got off pretty easy. I've got to remember that it's hardly ever as bad as I think it will be - it can even be, you know, heartwarming and stuff. I have so much to be thankful for... and I'm fighting not to follow that with any negative statements. (Note: It's okay to let yourself be calm and happy. P.S. Shut up.)

I hope you all had enjoyable holidays too, and if not - at least you can enjoy that the holiday season is almost over. Cheers!

In which I'm failing to find my bootstraps

I keep almost saying something and then swallowing it. What seems like the end of the world one day, often seems not so major the next. In hindsight I can tell myself to calm down and stop being so damn inconsolable but when I'm within "it", it's hard to see my way out. So I usually end up writing more when I'm semi- to not so much depressed, rather than when I'm seeming moderate to severe. Side note: I need some kind of color coded Nervous-Watch system to define how anxious, sad, angry, relatively normal I'm feeling (i.e. aqua would mean sad enough to feel sad for inanimate objects and hating myself for buying the wrong toothpaste, and so on.) Or not. Anyway. I think my point was that there are days upon days that I probably should write about, or talk to someone about, because these issues, well - they're not REALLY going away, they're kind of piling up as bad as the laundry at our house. I don't expect to feel great and sunshiney every day, it's just the lows get lower than usual this time of year and I'm not finding the best ways to cope with that. And then I feel GUILTY for not coping and blah blah shame spiral blah. I know I'm not crazy enough to not know when I'm being crazy - but well, self-realization is just a piece of the getting better puzzle and all.

The holidays, especially these last few years, have been getting to me. I know, they get to everybody and that doesn't mean people don't deal with them. I'll just say - most of the reason I'm writing this right now is from a less than pleasant talk I just had with my mom that I knew was coming. It's funny how I'll feel immediately 16 again - sorry that I said anything to her and wanting to go to my room and sulk. I feel like on one hand she does at least have an understanding of my... issues? illness? but on another she REALLY doesn't, and maybe still doesn't completely believe it and has a "oh just knock it off already" attitude about it. I don't know how to explain other than it just reinforces the guilt, shame and patheticness I was already feeling. Her voice got flat and short and she was starting that thing where she speaks slowly like to a child that's in trouble "Well whatever you're doing is obviously not working" and I sort of recoiled in a way and felt dumb and pathetic for bringing it up. And feel kind of dumb and pathetic writing about it but oh well. I'm sorry for not explaining this better and doing the stream of consciousness thing, and I'm also sick of being sorry. And maybe when the PMS dies down and there isn't the impending doom of winter storms and white-knuckled driving and everything falling apart or already being broken and the holiday stress bearing down, etc... then I will look at this more clearly.

Also, I need to shop and bake a mess of cookies. (Not a complaint, that's the bright side.)

Coughs Taste Metallic

Oh, the woes of the last day off before going back to work. But hey, at least it's not sno- aw fuck, it is snowing. Bah! Cold, cruel world!

This year, instead of holding the Thanksgiving festivities at our house, we had more or less decided to spend it up north with my mom's side of the family. But at the last minute, we ended up getting reservations for two in Sickytown. There are better ways to spend a long weekend than going through six boxes of kleenex and comparing the nastiness of horky coughs with your loved one, but it hasn't been all bad. J went out Thanksgiving morning and rounded up plenty of food for us, so we had a nice dinner complete with a big ol' bowl of yukon gold mashed potatoes and gravy - NOM! I attempted to make a chocolate bourbon pecan pie according to Paula Deen's recipe, and I think it would've turned out great if I had given it about twice the baking time that was indicated. Instead, it looked like the pie had set up nicely, but was still too glorpy inside upon cutting into it. Oh well. Yesterday I made another attempt with a pie I'd never made before - cranberry apple - and it turned out much better.

I'm thankful for sleeping in, for the two ridiculously soft blankets I ordered from Amazon that arrived last week, for being able to watch Netflix videos on the 360, for my favorite person to commiserate with, for porn 'staches, for potatoes and pie, oh and for the 'tussin.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Heeere's Jonesey!

O HAI. MY I'S R ALL DIALBATED
(DA BETTER TO KILLZ U WIF...)

P.S. Please also see: How to Tell if Your Cat is Plotting to Kill You if you haven't already. Get informed, before it's too late!

Minor Peevances

• When I go to transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer and the Downy ball is open, yet still full of Downy - but of course I don't realize this until I spill it all over the clean clothes, because it was hiding inside a damn pant leg.
• Boss still pronouncing it "O-BAM-uh" not Oh-bah-mah. It's like hearing your mom talking about "that Snoopy-Dog" or [insert cultural reference of your teens here]. Cringe.
  
• Meredith Viera.
  
• Socks - most of the time, I don't feel right if I'm NOT wearing them. So how come I have so many crap pairs that either bunch up, fall down, or cut off circulation? Stupid socks.
  
• The sound of nails being clipped.
  
• Sites that work with Internet Explorer but not Firefox.
  
• This bra. I like how the Victoria's Secret Angels/Secret Embrace bras look under clothes and keep the girls in their upright position, but why do they have to be made of friggin mousepad material? It doesn't breathe! Also, the straps suck. Also, going to the store bites. I think I'm gonna have to kick it old school and get bras from Penneys next time.
  

Talkin bout gratitude, don't give me no attitude...

Well, how about something a little less negative up in this piece for a change?

The other day, Swistle posted a list of happy, (inspired by the daily gratitude blogging over at Black Sheeped) and I thought yeah, I should get my gloomy ass on that bandwagon for a bit!

Here are a few things that are currently helping to turn my frown upside down - in no particular order:

• Genius playlists in iTunes, hearing songs I forgot I had
  
• Something I'm wearing smells good
• The Laugh-Out-Loud Cats comics. Brilliant.
• Relatively uneventful work day
• Those new Quaker Toasted Coconut Banana Macadamia Nut granola bars (sorry, couldn't find a product page for some reason, but got them at Target last week) - a lot nummier than expected.
  
• President-elect Barack Obama (you know it!)
• It's time for a new season of Top Chef already? Sweet!
  
• Reading your blogs
• Thinkin' about mah boo (J, who needs a better way to be referenced on this blog)
• Feeling 30% better than yesterday

If you've stayed there, you know what the accommodations are like

Maybe that whole seasonal affective disorder thing just punched me in the face, or I'm coming down with something, or I'm repressing too much these days? Because this morning I feel extremely low, like - I can't face the world even though my world is pretty small and relatively safe in the bigger scheme of things - low. I feel... crumpled up and separated from my regular self. But it helps to remind myself that it won't always feel like this.

I'll feel the need to try to explain my depression, defending it like it's something I'm guilty of, because I can understand that when you're not in it or never have been, it seems like it would be easier to snap out of than it is. It's hard to explain to someone who says "Smile! What do you have to be depressed about?" what you're going through. Most days it's manageable, it's some wispy gray clouds in the distance - and then some days it's a raging, thundering storm cloud right over your head. That metaphor probably doesn't quite cut it, but whatever.

I've been coming across a lot of great blogs lately, and I admire and appreciate those who are participating in NaBloPoMo - I love opening my feed reader and seeing a bunch of fresh posts waiting for me to read. It helps. More on that another time.

I'll see you on the other side.

Everyone Has Their Reasons

Some people will vote for what they believe in. Some people will vote to rebel, some will vote to conform. Some people will vote based on race and some people will vote based on religion. Some people vote based on facts and some vote based on rumors and pre-conceived notions. Some will vote for who they really like, and some will vote for who they dislike less.

For me, I'm voting for the candidate that not only has made me care about politics and the state of this country like I never had before, but someone whose ideas for change and hopes for the future are what I support.

These are some crazy, exciting times, folks. Get out there and vote for what you believe in! (Well, unless like most people you already have voted... then you can um, sit around being proud of yourself or have a hot pocket or something.)




P.S. I'm voting for Obama, obvsly!

Nooo! Not ready! Nooo!

They're predicting snow next week. Even though it probably won't even stick, this still fills me with a sense of dread. (Teh winter, it saddins me!) And then, there are the upcoming holidays. Last year for Thanksgiving, we had J's mom and dad over, along with my (divorced) parents. Parented!!! J pulled it off extremely well, while I felt like I just flitted and hovered and worried (which I am prone to do) and tried to avoid any uncomfortable discussions. So... not sure what the plan is for this year. It's nice to be at home, but there are also the moments of "Gahh! Claustrophobic! Everybody get out of the damn kitchen!" and stuff like that. But it could be worse. Much worse. So I won't get too worked up about it.

At least it's the season for experimental baking, eh? The treats, they help.

Drug references

J and I both have sinus issues and usually his treatment of choice is nasal spray - or "nose candy" as we like to call it - but there's only so much of that you can use. So he asked me to pick up some real Sudafed the next time I was at Target (which you have to ask for at the pharmacy and show your ID to get these days).
"Ok, but they're going to put me on some kind of government list"
"For one box of Sudafed?"
"Well, when I tell them that 'I needs to git some REAL Sudafed, the kind with the meths in it, cuz the nose candy just don't cut it anymore'."

Ba dum dum tssht.

Another odd thing I noticed with the whole "ok, we'll sell this to you but it's not like we don't know what you're using it for" initiative was at a gas station that's not too far from a couple shady neighborhoods. Behind the counter - along with the chaw, mini-thins and torch-lighters - they now have a bunch of those Chore Boy scouring pads. Do you think they'd copy an ID of someone who asked for one of those (that uhh, won't melt, will it?) and a butane lighter? Are scouring pads now in the category of possible drug paraphernalia , or is it that crackheads kept stealing them when they were out on the shelves (or both)? I don't know, it just seemed sort of funny, and sort of sad. Maybe I'm behind the times, but I wonder if more and more items will keep being restricted because of druggies. I imagine potheads are somewhat exempt from future restrictions though - they might have to ask for "rolling tobacco" papers but they'll still make a bong or pipe out of just about anything.

What I meant to say was

I've got to get out of the habit of second-guessing everything. I suppose that goes along with insecurity and indecisiveness (not saying those are my good traits) but geez! It just took me like a half hour to write a stupid two sentence email response. I wrote and rewrote the damn thing, trying to come off as funny-yet-professional, then of course thought of a much better way I could have worded it after it was too late. And what's worse than the initial trying-to-be funny email than a follow-up email explaining "wait, no - that wasn't substantially funny, was it? Disregard that last message and read this belatedly clever response instead! Ho ho... ha HA, my friend! Glad I sent you THAT one, eh?"

Well, at least I didn't do that (the second email). But I did write this.

Update: I earned myself a "Lol" from one of the business-types - I shall let this one rest.

No wonder it has taken me a month to write a damn blog saying not much of anything and I still end up republishing it 3 times. Garrgh.

Words questioned in the making of this post: indecisiveness, belatedly, substantially, clever, et al. (Also just looked up et al. before committing to it.)

JoBo

Well hey, it's been awhile, again. October? Really?! Ack! Nooooo! Time needs to slow down and I need to speed my ass up. I feel like I'm so behind on everything and for no real (good) reason.

There's so much to be angry and/or worried about! But that's not a good place to start.

In happy news, I got a new vacuum from J for my birfday! Totally unexpected (although J points out that I have been longingly gazing at fancy vacuums while frowning at our $40 vacuum with disapproval for years), so it was a great surprise. And apparently it "nevah. loses. suction." I don't know if I am used to this vaccum's awesome power yet - a sock on the floor that would just get pushed out of the way with the old vacuum would now be devoured from a foot away by the new one. (Not that I uh, leave dirty laundry on the floor all the time or anything, heh.) The cat is both intimidated and impressed by it, and is working overtime to create more fur to be spread around the house. It's kind of gross yet satisfying to see how quickly the canister fills up with dust, fur and other particles of nastiness and how it's fluffed up old cheap carpet that I didn't think could be fluffed. So, score!

In other, crabbier, news: gray hair sucks. More keep popping up, and aren't just silvery versions of my regular hair, but coarse and kinky little bastards that demand attention. I've colored (well, begged people close to me to color) my hair on and off for years, but it sure is a pisser to feel like you have to!

I'm posting this several days late and a few points short, but at least it's something newish for now-ish.

Go Team Nugget

Not a whole lot is new (I feel like I'm always saying that, whether it's true or not). On Sunday, I'm turning the big 3-0. People over 30 tend to say "Eh, big woop" and people under 30 are more likely to say "Oh, gah... sorry" about this. Ah, well - I don't think I'm feeling any more annoyingly introspective about it than usual. I mean, it's just a number... a big fat number that brings to mind "OMGWTF have I been doing for the last, oh, decade?!" Ahem. But anyway.

Have you been watching the Olympics? It's kind of odd that I have - considering I have minimal interest in any kind of sporting activities - but I always like watching the gymnastics, and the diving is pretty cool too. I just gotta say, that Shawn Johnson is just the cutest little chicken nugget! She just is! I won't go too far with that though, as I notice that there's this trend of people comparing cuteness to edibleness (?) that sometimes creeps me out. Like, yes - babies are cuter than the word "cute" can accurately describe, but delicious? I don't know, I have yet to become a mother so maybe I can't talk. I mean, when we met J's 3 month old niece - yes, she was terribly darling, and sure I pretended to nom-nom-nom her little toes. BUT if I were to sit there and say that oh, she's just so yummy that she should be poached, covered in hollandaise sauce and served for breakfast.... well, that's a bit much. Right? But I don't know. Like I said I have minimal experience in the children department, so I guess if people wanna be all snacking on babies and whatnot that's their own business.

You know, I take forever to do anything. Composing an email or a post takes much longer than it should, and my attention span isn't what it used to be. But even if I take a long time to write something or respond to someone, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it/them. So I guess it's pretty shitty of me that when I don't hear back from people, my first conclusion is they hate me and everything I've said/written. Because how much fun is insecurity without a little paranoia thrown in?

I've had the office to myself this last week, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for my "alone time" to be over. Speaking of that... crap, I better go get things organized for Monday.

Have a great weekend!

My head a-splode

Well, the good news is that there's a shiny new (used, but still pretty new) highway-worthy car in the family now! The bad (or good) news is, I don't know how to drive it yet. But J has confidence that he can teach me to drive a stick, and I suppose it'll be a good thing to know. The good news: road trips! The bad news: other people planning road trips for us (No reason you can't go here and there now!) Sometimes I feel like a target for pushy suggestions. I know I'm indecisive but geez, the more people insist that they know how to spend my free time better than I do, the more likely I am to stop listening to their suggestions. Harumph!

I've been highly sensitive and irritable lately (surprise!). The last week especially, I just felt agitated and mean for the most part. I don't like that feeling, the dark thoughts that I have, the wanting to push everyone away. It reminds me very much of behaviors I've seen in my family - and in myself before I got help for depression - and I know how much it sucks to be on the other side of that. Just another reason to stay "on the Z" as now is a really bad time for me to play around with adjusting medication. (Also, OMG RARRGH1!!)

8/1: I wrote this the other day, and I think there was more to say but I'm just going to post as is and move on.

Blurred

Well... hi.

I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I'm not exactly an optimist, but I thought I'd been doing pretty well just going along with life pretending things are okay lately. Well, maybe pretending isn't quite the correct word - it's not that I don't ever feel happy and content with things. It's just that when I do start feeling all carefree and happy and whatnot, there's always this nagging feeling in my stomach, these awful thoughts in my head that want to ruin everything... "Hope you're having lots of fun being all happy and careless while other people are down and out and suffering and doing a lot more than you do, you selfish bitch." Because there has been a lot of sadness and suffering - in my family, even - and it's not that I don't feel it, and hurt because of it, and panic about it at night. But it's that I feel somewhat numb to it all, not knowing how to deal with it has led me to retreat to my bubble because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make it better. But I also realize that my being numb isn't helping anything.

The weird thing is, he was diagnosed with cancer while awaiting his sentencing. If you believe in God or karma or some sort of higher power, do you think that the timing of this is no coincidence? The cancer may have saved him - at least temporarily - from prison time, but it certainly isn't a trade-off that I think anyone would choose. Do you feel less bad for someone with cancer if they're also a repeat offender that hasn't seemed to want to turn their life around? That doesn't seem right either. It's hard to separate the two things, and it's confusing to try to separate the two personalities I've seen in him. Can you just forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness? I think in this case I should.

I suppose it's just part of life, part of getting older, but it's these life/death thoughts that give me panic attacks more and more often. I'm terrified of seeing loved ones getting old, getting sick, not being there. I'm terrified of myself getting old, getting sick, not being there... but with the way I've been living, it seems as if I've been pretty scared of life too. I don't know. Existential crisis? Let's not.

So, that's the condensed version. On to less heavy topics next time.

All Mason Jennings, All The Time

So... we went to see one of my favorite folksingers - Mason Jennings - last Thursday in Grand Rapids... and can I just *squeee* here for a minute? This was especially exciting for me because I have only been to a pitifully small number of shows in my life, and this one was just so GOOD. He played for about an hour and a half, and to my delight it was a great mix of songs from all 7 of his albums. We sat at a table for a while, but then the need to get closer to the stage came over me, so I joined the mass (not really that many) of people bouncing and swaying on the floor. Didn't get to meet him, but he seems like a genuinely nice, talented-yet-humble-about-it kind of person. It was nice to just feel the music and be happy and not let my usual nervous self take over. I just... can't even properly explain how much his music means to me. So, so glad we were able to see him live. Weeeeooooo!

I would definitely recommend seeing Mason Jennings if you have the chance, right now he's touring with Jack Johnson (not at the show we went to) and Money Mark (who we saw, gets funky on the keyboards).

Um, I wish I had my own video to post. Instead, this is one from youtube that looks most like the performance I saw.



Mason Jennings' Official Website

Mason Jennings Interview on Yahoo!

Be Here Now video on YouTube

Blah blah shopping, blah blah girly stuff

Oh, the mall - she's a cruel mistress. But the semi-annual sales! They beckoned! It now makes sense that Victoria's Secret and Bath & Body Works are owned by the same company, and seem to do their sales at the same time. Go to both stores and you get lost in this time warp slash customer service loop and before you know it, it's been 2 hours and you're sweaty and tired and you kind of hate people and don't even care what you purchased. One of the things I purchased, it turns out, is a bra that still has the clunky fuckin security sensor still attached to it. Great. I kindly listened to this girl's spiel about the stupid VS credit card so her manager would stop glaring at her and insisting she give me a mesh shopping bag. (Really, I think the mngr was standing behind me mouthing "Bag? Did you give her a bag?" and the girl had to stop and say "no, she's about to check out, she didn't want one" and then apologize to me, because apparently giving out the boogered up shopping bags is a HUGE DEAL, because it's so goddamn CONVENIENT for the consumer. Sure, I might not want to expose my lingerie selections to everyone, but they need to back off a bit. You so much as lay a finger on a bra in there, immediately a salesgirl is thrusting a bag toward you "How about a bag? Taaake eet! Shopping more convenient with bag! Take thee bag pleeeease!" You can already have a bag, and they try to give you a bag, it's seriously redonk.) So I'm gonna have to dodge her again and take back the bra (which probably doesn't fit anyway) and prove that I didn't try to steal it, they just didn't take the stupid security tag off... because trying to give/sell you crap that you don't want is more important than your actual purchase! Bah. And they charged me twice for something B&BW, which I realized while in the parking lot, so I had to go through the cluster-fuck of salespeople again... (no bag thanks! Just trying to make it to the register!) and was seriously needing to mainline some of their Tranquil Mint Aromatherapy by the time I got out of there. (But hey, the aromatherapy line of stuff really is good! And 5 bucks each instead of 13!) Oh and how come both stores have to always be about 90 degrees inside? Seriously, I wonder if that's on purpose to make people delusional and spend-happy, or if it's to get people in and out quickly because they are SWEATY and THIRSTY and CAN'T BREATHE in there.

Oh I am just a crotchety ol' thing, aren't I?

But hopefully a good smelling one.

Also, the required asking for phone number, email address, etc. kind of crap whenever you try to complete a transaction is really annoying. Why don't I just shop online? Because shipping from either place takes FOREVAH!

And I go on like this.

/shopping rant>

Nobody, that's who

Whew doggy, is this blog stale or what? You might say I've been keeping busy elsewhere. Or, you might say I'm just a lazy sack of shit. Let's move on!

In work-related news, we moved into the new office pretty smoothly. For the most part, it's a step up from the old place and a lot more officey and professional looking. We're downtown now, and thankfully downtown has improved somewhat in the last few years. And maybe it's just that my extra layer of fat is working as a protective shield, but so far there's been much less random yelling of things or being accosted by shady strangers than there used to be. So that's a plus!

My car, however, is not enjoying the downtown driving. Or probably any kind of driving, but stop-and-go, stop-and-go type of traffic is especially unappreciated by it's not-so-good transmission these days. We'll see what the shop says, but hopefully I can afford to get it fixed and get some more life out of it. Ugh.

So, the shows on Bravo are horribly addictive. Did anyone else watch Step It Up & Dance? Niiick! Coooody! Mmm, a Nick and Cody sandwich! But yeah, good show - just ended last week. I'm also an avid watcher of Top Chef, which is almost over... but then, new seasons of Shear Genius and Flippin Out are on the way - it just never ends! I... I can stop any time!

Well, Father's Day is coming up and as usual, I'm still at a loss for finding just the right thing. Even with cards, I get so frustrated year after year of looking at the stereotypical sentiments. Beer, golf, fishing, farting and always having been there to shell out cash to your unappreciative kids is apparently the gold standard of Father's Day cards. Where are all the cards for the "dysfunctional but working on it" families with recovered alcoholics, foggy memories and estranged relationships? Wait, no - I've seen some of those new age type of cards (Dad, you were always there/ except for when Mom kicked you out/ but you were there in spirit/ and that's what truly counts!) and uh, they are sometimes more painful than just searching for that short and sweet, somewhat generic but not completely unthoughtful sentiment.

Catch up with you later. I'm off to find lunch.

Updated to add: Speaking of cards, for dads with a (dark) sense of humor, there's a Father's Day selection at the highly-recommended someecards.

Let's Get Lost

I seem to have the kind of voice that makes people drift off while I'm mid-sentence. (I'll have to put that on my next job application/resume under leadership skills.) Ok, so being a dynamic speaker doesn't come so naturally to everyone, big deal. The bigger problem is that I just don't feel that I can express myself like I used to, or relate to people in the same way I used to. And it's like I'm clogged up with stuff I can't say, or even write. At some point, I just... got quiet. The book I'm reading happened to have a line in it about how when you're quiet so much of the time it doesn't make people think of you as being deep or thoughtful, it just makes them forget you. Or something to that extent. But - and I know I've said this before - then when I am feeling "talky" it just all comes out like verbal vomit. Or maybe dry heaves. Either way, you'll want to watch out if you're in the vicinity. Guhh, when did I revert to my adolescent years and become so socially AWKWARD again?

In work-related news, we're moving our office again. It sounds like our new location will be more "officey" and hopefully will be a better fit, although I'm a bit skeptical. So um, do you think it looks shady when a business has a really vague, nondescript name, a weak website, ridiculously long and hard to remember email addresses, and then also moves every two years? I'm just sayin. But hey, maybe we're on the up and up. I hear that this new place will probably be equipped with both hot and cold water options in the bathroom - faan-say!

The family-related news is just not good, and has been looming over me these days. Again, involving my brother that is often in trouble and now has a major health issue on top of everything else. It just makes me feel... well, sad and conflicted but also guilty. His situation is out of my control at this point, but I just feel like I should do or should've done something - even if that's just praying and thinking positively - and I haven't been that good at even doing that.

Well, I feel like I'm just throwing out negative after negative, so how 'bout I switch to a lighter topic? To cheer myself up lately, I've taken to online shoe-shopping. Oh, I haven't been blowing a bunch of money on it - mostly just spending a ridiculous amount of time perusing and considering items I MIGHT buy, eventually. Buying shoes is one of those stereotypical things that people expect all women to do compulsively, but I have to say I'm... well, somewhat clueless when it comes to footwear. I also am cheap and have to get it through my damn head that maybe in this case quality is more important than quantity. Thus, the pile of clearance shoes that hurt or don't fit right and are sitting around not being worn. I ordered some Clarks from Amazon recently, because I like how they look and they seem to have a reputation for being comfortable and of quality, (and ok - they were heavily marked down) but while they are cute and all, I'm not finding them as comfortable as I hoped they would be. The comfort and fit will vary from style to style within the brand you say? So I can't just pick a brand and assume all of their shoes will be wonderful? Well, shit. Now I've got a pair of Softspots shoes on the way. Have I tried these on before? No. Has anyone personally recommended them to me? Um, no. I just thought they looked nice as well as functional, and I'm taking a chance that they are as comfortable and pillowy as they claim to be in the description. And, alright - they were 30 bucks BUT they were 70 originally. Eh? Do I just set myself up for bad footwear? Or does cost not necessarily mean quality? Because I've read all kinds of awesome reviews of Dansko shoes, none of which are under $100 and yet, the almost-new pairs that were (granted) handed down to me... well, they really aren't too impressive or comfortable or anything. Maybe it's just me. If you have shoe advice, please share. I know trying them on first is a no-brainer, and I do when I can but I just haven't been too happy with the shoe selection around here, so I've turned to the internets. So, do you go for looks or comfort or clearance? Do you have a favorite brand that's never let you down? Do you have wicked high arches like me? Haalp!

Awkward Pause

So, the dentist takes a quick look at my teeth this morning and clasps his hands together and smiles. "Well, let me start by asking you this: do you have good dental insurance?"

Ha!

Um, no. As in: yeah, none.

I should've said "And now ask me what kind of work I do"

Wait for it...

"Insurance!"

But it turns out the work needed isn't too terrible. Need some bonding where my stupid gums have receded too much. But still, it sucks to look at spending $100 per tooth, when they say that insurance would cover 50-90% of it, if of course, I had said insurance. Then again, I know it could be much much worse.

Also, it's funny to hear the dentist say "Fascinating... this is the kind of x-ray that dentists want to show other dentists and talk about." I'm assuming he meant the screws and other signs of my jaw surgery, and hopefully not like wow, everybody look at how impressively shitty her teeth are.

My head is hurting, which probably means the onset of a menstrual migraine and/or I need to replace my contacts. Sheesh, just a barrel of monkeys over here!

And yes, since you axed, I have been watching American Idol this season. That's why at our house you'll hear J in the background exclaiming "Arrgh! That's just god-fucking-awful" or "Stay on the beat, damnit!" And of course I can't watch quietly either, I'm usually all "Whaat?! They loved that? Pffft!" But I guess some people must've agreed with me, seeing as how Surly McRaspyvoice finally got voted off last night. Alright, that wasn't nice - I'm sure she'll do well... um, as a Melissa Etheridge impersonator or something? I don't know.

Hey, are any of you into this Twitter thing? I just joined and I know, it's probably like any other web phenomena - as in: now that I'm doing it, it won't be cool anymore - but if you are so inclined to follow my day to day minutia or share yours... well, you know, holla!

Some People Have Real Problems

I'm liking this album for several reasons. If you've never heard of Sia - well, I won't attempt to compare her to anyone else - but I'll just say she's got an amazing amount of white-girl soul, she's sassy, and she's an Aussie (extra points)! I'm a big fan of Zero 7, who have featured her vocals on several of their tracks (remember Destiny? I think it got a bit of airplay.) Sometimes the up and down vocal runs (a la Christina Aguilera and most other female pop vocalists and Idol contestants) can be a bit too much, but damn, when Sia lets go and belts those strong, clear notes it is just a powerful, beautiful thing that gives me chills. I'd recommend checking out the tracks "You Have Been Loved" (gets me verklempt), "Day Too Soon", "Buttons" (fun, upbeat single I've included in my "workout mix" for if I ever um, actually get my ass around to working out - freaky video though), and "Distractions" (on the Zero 7 album Simple Things) or you know, tell me to email you some tunes or whatevah.
I also can't help but have a fondness for the clever album title and cover art. I love her expression of being in la la land while drawing on her face with markers. Alright, maybe I am partial since I once did this myself - although it was probably at age 5. I vaguely remember getting up in the morning before everyone else and having this brilliant idea of drawing "makeup" on myself, and being quite proud of my work. I think I scared the crap out of my mom when she saw my garish, clown-like makeup job that almost completely covered my face (who doesn't want to wake up to that?) and I remember being marched to the bathroom and instructed to keep scrubbing until it came off. Not sure if the markers were of the "washable" variety - though I'm sure Crayola didn't intend for even those to be used for decorating one's face. The mental image I have is of these big scary black eyebrows I drew that would not wash off, just faded to a sickly green that stuck around long enough to make me slightly worried that I'd always have a surprised/angry/diseased look on my face. Oh, and I'm sure there were freckles too, as I had been known to draw on a couple of my less fortunate dolls. Lurvely!

So, then

"If this darkness came from light
Then light can come from darkness, I guess" *

Think I might be on an upswing as of late, and damn it's been a long time since I've said or felt that. So, yay me.

I had my annual cooter check uh, exam this week. Geez, most of the staff there could really give a shit about the patients. I know they get crabby, crazy, sickly people harassing them all the time, but when I am polite and friendly it would be nice to get the same in return. Or you know, to not be forgotten about after giving a urine sample (thankfully, they do have a little cabinet in the bathroom that you put the sample in, so when you come out you don't have to stand around like a jackass AND be holding your warm cup of pee.) But anyway. The NP I saw was really nice, and took time to listen to me and my complaints. So, the meds are being tweaked and my thyroid is being checked again, as it still seems to be a bit wonky despite the previous normal test results. Oh, and if I haven't given you TMI already, I also apparently have tilted lady parts - which I'm surprised no one's mentioned before, but sort of explains some things. Ahem.

J picked up Rock Band for the 360 last weekend, so we've been heh, rockin' out with that for entertainment. Though I can't toot my own horn too much as I've only done vocals so far. (Anyone want to hear me screech "Listen alla y'all it's a sabotaaaage"?) J's got mad skillz though, on guitar, drums and vocals. Have you ever heard the song Green Grass & High Tides? Good Lord, it's like 10 minutes long and most of it is one big-ass guitar solo. So, that's been fun. The cat puts his ears back and stares at us with a wide-eyed expression of both interest and horror, but yet he wants to be around when we're playing.


* From a Mason Jennings song. I've really been digging on him lately. He's folky, clever, and has somewhat of a Bob Dylan-esque singing style. But he's more than that - I'm no good at music reviews - he's just cool.

"These burritos are for my feet" said the truck driver who had no heat

• It was so cold and windy over the weekend that the winter weather advisory actually said "If you don't HAVE to go outside, please do not." We didn't, at least on Sunday when the windchill was way below zero and everything was a blur of white. I'm tired of winter, and having snow inside my shoes and/or socks. Gahhh. You'd think I'd have invested in some big ol' boots by now.

• I notice that when I use conditioner, it not only makes my hair soft (duh) but it also makes a gob of it fall out when I rinse. What's up with that? Is it weeding out the weak hairs (and why couldn't it just take out the sneaky gray ones)? It seems to happen with whatever kind of conditioner I use, even when I just use a dab and don't leave it on for any length of time. Weird.

• Do you ever have dreams where you kind of morph between watching a movie and being in it? I had some warped Star Wars dream recently, and I was commenting (within the dream) "Huh, I don't remember that effeminate guard putting on lipstick while he's supposed to be watching Princess Leia, nor do I remember the words "bitch" or "vagina" being used in the original Star Wars movie." (Though some people would probably say that's not much worse than the stuff they added to the remastered versions in more recent years.) HA!

Thinking in circles

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:

"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

Nervous Overload

Dude. Snow has gone from "Tolerable but still annoying" status to "Fucking suck-ass, when is it ever going to fucking stop?!" lately.

Did I mention I'm not a big fan of driving? I mean, I'll do it as necessary but during the winter months especially I go into Nervous Mode, worrying about the drive to and from work. I try to tell myself that I've braved these conditions and worse before, that I should be extra grateful to have a garage so I don't have the added bonus of having to clean a foot of snow off my car in the morning and deal with frozen locks and crap like that. "But still!" I'll insist "The schools are closed and people are getting killed in accidents out there! AAAAHHH!" And then I proceed to incorporate awful morbid thoughts into my morning routine... You know, I don't even want to write those down right now, as I'll freak myself out and it just seems like bad luck. But trust me, they are just bad and ugly and unhelpful and not a good way to start the day. There's something to be said for intuition, but I think my anxiety sort of blurs that line because for most of the winter my gut would tell me not to go anywhere.

But, I worry! That's what I do! This isn't called Nervous Thoughts for nothing, right?! Oh, sorry - I didn't mean to yell and clutch at your arm like that.

Anyway, I made it to work safely (granted it took about 35 minutes to make a 15 minute drive) so I'll shutup and be thankful for that. And on the bright side it's Friday and no one else is here at work, so I can turn up the speakers and chair-dance all I want.

Seven Thingies

Well, here I've gone for a ridiculously long time without anything to write, and I see that Peggasus over at Artsy Fartsy tagged me with a good old-fashioned meme-posting opportunity (Thanks, Peg!). You may have done this one before, I may have told you these things before, you may not care to know these things, but I'm going for it anyway. I tag whoever reads this and is in need of some posting material.

Share 7 random and/or weird things about yourself:

1. I'm a loud nose-blower. J mentioned that when we're in bed and he hears me pull a tissue out of the box, he braces himself. *Honk*
   
2. The first album I obsessively loved (probably around age 5) was Meet The Beatles! from my dad's record collection. When everyone got sick of me playing it over and over on the stereo, I'd go in my room and listen to it on my Fisher Price record player. And daydream about Paul.
   
3. I sleep with socks on most of the time. (I gots cold feets!)
   
4. I get weirdly addicted to/obsessed with smells. Well, good ones mostly. More on that later.
   
5. One of the more embarrassing things I did while stoned was pull over to the side of the road when I saw flashing lights - which, it turned out, were coming from a tow truck. Ahem. *Cough*
   
6. I've always liked doing voice impersonations and sometimes pick up the mannerisms or inflections of the person I'm talking with - hopefully not in a way that's insulting to them.
   
7. The Prince album with the symbol o[+> as the title (you know, the one with "7" on it) was the first album I owned on CD, and that song is now in my head. (It seemed appropriate to go along with this 7 things post.) He's had his ups and downs and freaky-deakiness over the years but I've always had a special fondness and a space in my music collection for Prince.
   

Listerine Toothpaste

Why I thought that the Listerine toothpaste would somehow taste better than the mouthwash, I'm not sure - but I gave it a try anyway. And yes, it does taste a lot like the blue (cool mint I think) flavor of mouthwash, which consists of:

1 part medicine/antiseptic
2 parts menthol cough drops
1 part old man smell*

(I'm assuming they didn't make the toothpaste in original flavor, if so I think it would be the same as above minus the cough drop flavor and with 2 parts old man smell.)

But man, does it leave your mouth refreshed and tingling for a long time after brushing! Plus it doesn't bother my sensitive teeth. So I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5. Just in case anyone wants to know.


*Does it smell like old men or do old men smell like Listerine? Woah-ho-ho...

The Late Late New Year Post

Hey! Happy late New Year everybody. And thanks for still coming by Ye Olde Blog even when I've been sucky about posting. I've been quiet, but I'm still reading and enjoying your blogs, even if I do it sneakily (through Google reader) sometimes.

We made it through the holidays okay. Having J's brother and his pregnant wife stay with us during the week of Christmas was cool. The baby is due in May and I bet they're going to be great parents. They're kind of in the same boat as I would be in though - not having a whole lot of experience around kids. I gave them the one baby tip I could think of - no honey for infants, they can get botulism! I remember that one because botulism is one of those words that irritates me - it totally sounds like it should be the name of some cult religion instead of what it is.

We also gave the expecting parents one of those safety bath duckies that indicates when the bath water is too hot. I told them I wanted to get them the Dustin Hoffman model of ducky that shrieked "Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!" but they were all sold out. Everyone just looked at me like I was a sick bastard for saying that, but oh well. Really, there are so many hip and clever items for babies and expecting mothers and such out there I'll have to hold back from going baby-shopping crazy for my almost-in-laws.

Anyway, we got a TON of snow last week and now it's warmed up and rainy. While that's a formula for a decent sized puddle of water in the basement (which can be added to our list of Annoying Homeowner Concerns), my mood is still a whole lot better when the temperature is above freezing. But it's too early to get my hopes up that we can just skip on into spring at this point.

As far as resolutions for the New Year, I'm with the team that makes changes in habits at any given point during the year rather than in January. I'm also a procrastinator. But if I must choose one for now, it'll be: eat more fiber. Beneficial and attainable! (Albeit lame, yes - but I'm starting small, ok?)

Relaxed Fit

1. Our long-term relationship with each other.
2. The kind of pants we're both wearing now.