Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Read between the lines or some other cliche

A while back I mentioned that things had been uncomfortable at [the place where I spend a good deal of my daytime hours] and I didn't know for sure if it was something I did, or if someone just happened to be distant and pissy near the general vicinity that I was in. For like, 3 or 4 months. Now I think that maybe I should've just taken the "ask me what's wrong" bait a long time ago.

Long story short: I thought something was wrong, and it was! Or, it is!

There are positives to consider. I haven't been fired. (Yet?) But no more salary and my hours are being cut to part-time (ouch). Of course part-time also means no vacation or sick time and no health insurance (the real kicker). Well, ok - the real kicker is that even though things have been awkward for quite some time, I assumed that an issue with my job performance would've been brought up previously. This change is stated as being a result of my lack of development and such (not even blaming the economy) - this is from the note (that was apparently attorney advised), of course - as there's been very little discussion and really, the discussion we did have just made it worse and errgh... I'm getting fired up again. I probably shouldn't get into the whole thing here (not that I don't feel like venting, obvs) but - this could've been handled much better. Then again, I've thought that about several things the last 6 years that I've been here. While I can admit that I'm certainly not without my shortcomings - as an employee and otherwise, I'd also been given nothing but praise up until the last few months. That's a bad thing about small - very small - business, it's harder to make the line between personal and professional more distinct. You get treated more like family, but that family might very well be dysfunctional.

So, even though there are choices to make, they all seem to come back to it being time to move on. That shouldn't be so tough, right? (Well, uh - terrible job market/economy aside.) I mean, I haven't exactly been happy either. But the urge to cling to what is familiar, even if it's not in my best interest, is very strong. I've stepped up my game, now that I know where I need to improve - but I'm not sure if that's even what's wanted from me at this point. (I kind of think I might just be here right now so he could still take his vacation.) There's this whole "I'm only talking to you hastily so you can't get a word in edgewise as I'm walking out the door" thing going on. Not that it's that much different than it has been. Ugh.

The thought of interviewing makes me sort of want to throw up. Although, staying here and just waiting for the other shoe to drop, or feeling like I'm only being kept on out of some condescending kind of pity or convenience or whatever... well, that also makes me want to throw up.

Next up: Will I manage to find not only a career, but the appropriate career wear, without having a(nother) meltdown?