Thursday, December 29, 2005

Sorry I'm late, I was dead...

Well, hellooooo! This is the first time I've sat at the computer in a long time. It's the first time I've been able to do ANYTHING in what feels like a very long time. It feels good to be alive again. As of last Saturday around 4 AM, my stomach cried "LIQUIDATION! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" and I've been wicked sick ever since. 24 hour bug, my ass! This shit has lasted 6 days! I thought I was gonna shrivel up and die, I tell ya. Nasty, nasty stuff that I really hope is over for good now. I know I said a while back that I wished I could just skip the holidays altogether, but not like this! I know I said (or just thought) that I wanted to lose 10 pounds or more, but not like this!
Anyways, I think I'm on the road to recovery. I hope you're all doing well and will be checking in with you soon. Enjoy your precious digestion, people!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Fake it 'til you make it

Last night was a whirlwind of shopping and cookie baking. Guess what? The cookies turned out okay! Good, even. Yay! I know, big deal right? The significance of this is that I haven't exactly worked on my "skills" doing anything that might be considered "domestic" but it means more to me now. I think more and more about all the things my mom knew how to do at my age or younger (and with kids to take care of) and how much I suck for not knowing that stuff! Examples:
- I sewed a button back on a pair of pants, and I think it fell off the same day.
- Years ago when I lived with my mom, she left some potatoes boiling on the stove while she went to do something else. She asked me to mash them, and I did - without draining the water first! (Still feel bad about that one.)
- At least I don't mind doing laundry, and with my experience I should be pretty good at it. But I can't guarantee I won't shrink things...
- I don't really enjoy cooking, but if I do make something it's usually all in one skillet.
- My cleaning and organizational skills have dropped from above average to "I'll try to make it look decent for company."

Well, you gotta start somewhere, right? The baking frenzy will continue!

Friday, December 16, 2005

My cat ponders the meaning of Christmas

We didn't even set her up to do that, but wouldn't she be cute with some little antlers? No? Yeah, somehow I don't think that would be appreciated. Muffers was just getting into the holiday spirit. You could even say she glows... (cough... ahem, sorry bout that one folks.)

If you have the time, please check out I Love Your Pets! for more pet pictures, contributed by myself and others with much better photography skills. Let me know if you want to contribute or have suggestions. Or don't.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Alright, but I'm keeping my socks on

Yesterday, I had my annual poke and prod at the doctor. You know what I'm talkin about, ladies - not fun. At least she was in and out in no time and handed me a wad of kleenex when it was done. But it made me feel so cheap! I'm kidding. But anyways, I'm okay, pretty much. Things aren't so much like they used to be at the ol' doctor's office. Not sure if it's just the changing times or that I'm at an age where they don't worry about me too much. There's always things I wanted to say or questions I wanted to ask after it's too late. And, did you even check my chart to see my history? Then again, I believe I'll have to make another post about some of those appointments that I had wished weren't so in depth! Anyway, as I was about to leave she told me I'd have to stop at the lab and have some blood drawn. Apparently I may have a thyroid problem, but we'll see what the results say. It didn't sound like it was a big deal to treat, but you know me - I obsess. Give me some symptoms, and I'll have them. But really, it is hereditary so it's not a huge surprise. I just didn't know that some of the things I've experienced, like depression, could be partly because of that. But I don't know yet, so I'm jumping the gun. Really, there could be much much worse conditions to worry about, so I'm really not that worried as much as I just want to know more about it.
So, I was thinking about things and talking myself up. Like I'm going to take multi-vitamins, change or ween off of meds, eat better, excercise, get a good night's sleep, let go of some things I've been holding onto for too long, lose some weight, change my hair, try to look better, be mature, be happy, be more "normal", etc. I know these things take time and I can't do it all at once. But still, I woke up feeling rather good this morning and then a few hours later, was practically in tears at work for no real reason. Guess I've just gotta ride out the highs and lows, cause now I feel okay again. You know I'll keep ya posted.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Observations from a wallflower

Sometimes, we'll be out and I'll watch you like a stranger trying to be impartial. A silent observer, admiring you from a distance. I get to see a different side of you and it puts things in a refreshing perspective. The way you talk to people, the way you listen, the way your laughter spreads throughout a room. The way you can entertain a crowd of people yet not be someone who's just "putting on a show." The way your humor, wit and sarcasm is intelligent and never too much or too little. The way you don't have to be the attention-grabbing star and you don't leave me in the shadows. The way our eyes will meet from across a room and know what each other is feeling. The way you tell a story or a joke, the laughter is infectious. Even if they didn't laugh, you know I would and I wouldn't have to worry about forcing it. I see the way they look at me, at us together and they smile...
I'll watch you and think of a time when we were just two strangers in a coffee shop. Two strangers, taking up two otherwise empty tables. One reading and one writing, but neither one paying much attention to what they were doing. I asked if I could join you and you smiled and said yes...

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Okay, so I've added some new links recently to my list on the right (go on, mingle - I'm sure you'll like each other!) So just in case there are new people coming by who've never seen this blog before, or for anyone who'd rather not dig through the old archive pile (can't blame you), I've made a short list of some previous posts so you all can get a better idea of the kind of stuff you may find here. Of course, there'll also be some smut and incoherent ramblings mixed in from time to time. I seem to have a tough time sticking to one particular theme!

(Really, I'm just feeling a bit embarrassed of my writing lately, yet not embarrassed enough to take it down so I'm half-trying to make up for it. And, okay - I'm really not quite sure what to write about next, so... humor me here, please!)

Friday, December 09, 2005

Free love, coffee and cute hippie girls

A reader's request or a joke? Well, I'm not one to shy away from such topics. Nothing noteworthy has happenend in that department for years, so I take you back to 1998...

Kissing her is like kissing yourself... well, if you could kiss yourself. The way her tongue stays politely in her mouth, waiting for yours to make the first invitation. It's how you would do it, if you were playing the girlie role, but in this case you feel like taking the lead. Once you've made that first move, she receives you as if she's been starving for it, for you, all along. Her tongue and yours dance in soft wet circles around each other. Eyes are closed, breathing is heavy. You stop to take a breath and share a nervous giggle. She tastes sweet and her berry-flavored lips are symmetrical with your own when slightly parted. Two lip glosses becoming one obscure flavor. You can't believe you're making out with her, but also can't believe that anyone could resist her. There's nothing softer or more delicious than her mouth. She makes you dizzy, heat rushing to your cheeks and between your legs. The small delicate features of her face make you almost want to hold back, be gentler than you normally would be. You don't grab a handful of hair at the nape of her neck like you would with him. You keep pausing to ask if she's sure she's okay and she smiles, rolling her beautiful brown eyes at you playfully. She seems so fragile under your hands, a way you've never seen her before. You just want to wrap your arms around her, keep her as your own, keep her safe. She's the most adorable little hippie chick you've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And you want to know more. But the reality sets in. Her boyfriend is waiting for her upstairs. She laughs out loud, runs a hand through her short dark brown hair and pulls another cigarette from her pack. "Just one more, I've gotta calm down" she says breathlessly. You're both flushed, and you roll down one of the steamed up windows of your car to let some cold air in. You turn back and see she hasn't lit her cigarette and she's looking into your eyes so deeply you almost feel naked in front of her. She runs her fingers through your long reddish hair, then pulls your face towards hers. She kisses you with confidence now, makes little noises of excitement in the back of her throat. Her hand has made it's way up your thigh and grips you, sending a shiver down your spine. You feel it deep within you, that feeling you're not supposed to feel, but you do...
"Really. Thanks again for the ride" she says, and you watch as the streetlight casts it's glow on her thin graceful figure, guiding her away from you once more...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Seasonal anxiety

When it comes to this time of year, I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed up until just about the last few moments when there is still time to make a plan. It's not that I don't love my family and extended family, I do. It's not that I don't know the importance of being together at Christmas, I do. Still, these last few years especially it's been very hard to pull myself up above my stupid feelings and be social. My mom would like us to go with her 3 hours north. My dad would like us to come to his house 3 hours south. Both parents stress the importance of seeing not only their side of the family but seeing the other parent's side of the family as well. Yet this year may be my only chance to have the leverage of us just buying a house and wanting to spend the first Christmas at home. J's parents live close, don't usually travel and are generally up for celebrating Christmas whenever, which is nice. My brother who lives 3 hours north has a girlfriend now and very little time off of work, so he may be inclined not to travel this year. However, in the last year our father has provided both my brother and I with vehicles to drive, so how can we not go visit him? I feel this enormous guilt, yet I'm still finding it difficult to commit to any plans. A big part of it that I hate to admit is my fear of driving, on the highway for long distances specifically. It's a paranoia that I've developed in the last few years, and it seems laughable to mostly everyone else. I know it's one of those things that I can only conquer by just facing it, and then it won't be that bad. But most times I only think about this when there comes the need for travel, which is usually at Christmas. Which is usually when the roads are the worst and my fears multiply. Ice is fucking scary. Whiteouts are fucking scary. Deer running in front of your car is scary. Then there's the actual Christmas part. I haven't even begun to shop or think about what to get people, and after looking at our budget and all these new expenses, I'm not sure it'll be anything much! At least last year, I thought I did pretty well, at least with the gifts for parents. And I know that's not everything, but still it does make me happy to give when I can. Then there's the spending the night if we do go out of town. I don't think we'd be able to afford a hotel room, but staying with family isn't always easy, either. My mom has reminded me that even though she doesn't have a problem with it, we shouldn't put relatives in the position to put us up in a room together. I can sort of understand, my mom's side of the family is Catholic and all. (And you know we're just dying to have hot nasty unmarried sex in some unsuspecting relative's house!) But yeah, I don't really like the idea of staying with family either and wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, including us.
I'm sure I could continue on with the complaining and the anxiety, but really I think I'm giving all of us a collective headache. I can't let myself get all freaked out, that doesn't help anything. But you know what does help, along with candy and inebriants and an understanding boyfriend? Being able to vent about it!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Movies & Malaise

Hey there, folks. Finally got a chance to write a bit. I started feeling sicky-icky on Sunday and that's continued on and off Monday and today. Yesterday I ended up staying home, curled up on the couch. I have to admit it was nice just being there, quiet and cozy. There are always lots of things I think I'll accomplish on a sick day, but of course that doesn't happen.
So I finally watched "The Notebook" all the way through - had only caught pieces of it before. I have to say, for being a "chick flick" it was really good. It was touching and romantic, and yes it even got me all teary eyed. Ryan Gosling has really grown up since his days on the Mickey Mouse Club, I tell ya! I've been liking Rachel McAdams more and more too, and it seemed like they had some good chemistry going on in that movie, both did a really good job. Sigh. Then I watched "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" and it was eh, okay. I think the first one was better. I did some laundry and napped for a couple hours after that. Over the weekend I also watched "Bewitched" with Will Farrell & Nicole Kidman. It was pretty cute, but no huge laughs really and not enough Steve Carell! Oh, and we watched "Robots" this weekend too, which was good and looked really cool with the animation and whatnot. Last night we watched "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves. I'm not a huge Keanu fan but it was okay if you like that kind of thing. Sort of comparable to the "Blade" kind of movies, though that might be an insult to some. So as you can see, we're trying to get the most out of our last month with Netflix! I think Netflix is great and everything, but it's just another expense that we should cut out. We went over our bills and budget last night - not fun!
Anyways, I should get back to bidness.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Why must I feel like that?

Dude... I mean it about wanting to hibernate. It's snowing again and will probably continue all day. Yeah, it's pretty but only when you don't have to go out in it.

I'm feeling sorta like the same old blah me. Even though I'm still not really sure what all that means. Still as moody as ever, even though the change in living environment has helped. I thought I had already gone on this journey of self-discovery 10 years ago. And then again 6 years ago. Maybe you just never stop learning, even about yourself. I'm less easily swayed than I used to be, but still feel that I try too hard to find a place where I fit in. Like it or not, and as anti-social as I may be, I do feel the need to bond with people. I'm just not very good at it. One of our mutual friends has moved back to town and I've been pretty thrilled about it, even if it's not under the best of circumstances that she's here. I've been longing for some female companionship and she's always fun to be around. But just like other relationships, I have to watch myself cause I'll be bound to fuck it up if I get too excited about it. In school, it wasn't always as hard to find friends. Granted, not all those bonds were much more meaningful than who you sat at lunch with or who would share their scented markers with you, but still. At my age, it's not as easy. Girls are tough to understand and be friends with. Then again, I haven't really put myself out there. I think I'll go hang out in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. Oh yeah.
I don't think this was even what I intended to write about in this post, but that's what came out. Eh, you know how it goes. I tend to get a little more down this time of year. It'll be fine though. I'll bounce back.

Why must I chase the cat?

Since we've moved in, our poor kitty has had a number of problems. At first, she seemed to adjust really well to the move. But I know it's always stressful for pets when there's a change to their environment. I thought, if anything, she'd be much better off here. We used to smoke in our little apartment, and now we have more room and don't smoke (well, I go outside) so I thought that would definitely be good for our cat. But she's lost her voice! Her mews and mehs just sound whispery now. I'm thinking part of it may be how dry it is from running the furnace or the fact that she hasn't horked up a hairball in quite some time, maybe it's lodged in there. She sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Then one of her ears was bugging her enough that she scratched it up really bad. Then she had a couple "accidents" so we took her to the vet. Poor kitty had an ear infection and a bladder infection. He didn't know about the lost voice or cough, other than suggesting x-rays. So, lemme tell ya - giving a cat 2 kinds of medicine is loads of fun! The antibiotic was banana flavored, which maybe is more enjoyable for a dog but was not appreciated by our cat, who made every effort to spit it out. Then the ear medicine. I can't blame her. Eardrops are bad enough, but greasy eardrops that have to be refridgerated must feel absoulutely disgusting. We're finished with the meds now and lately she's seemed like her normal self, other than the lost voice. She's playful, still trots and gallops from room to room, has a normal appetite, etc. She's got quite a bit of energy for being probably around 12 years old. So, I don't want to be a bad parent, but I really don't want to take her back to the vet for a bunch of tests either!