Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Seasonal anxiety

When it comes to this time of year, I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed up until just about the last few moments when there is still time to make a plan. It's not that I don't love my family and extended family, I do. It's not that I don't know the importance of being together at Christmas, I do. Still, these last few years especially it's been very hard to pull myself up above my stupid feelings and be social. My mom would like us to go with her 3 hours north. My dad would like us to come to his house 3 hours south. Both parents stress the importance of seeing not only their side of the family but seeing the other parent's side of the family as well. Yet this year may be my only chance to have the leverage of us just buying a house and wanting to spend the first Christmas at home. J's parents live close, don't usually travel and are generally up for celebrating Christmas whenever, which is nice. My brother who lives 3 hours north has a girlfriend now and very little time off of work, so he may be inclined not to travel this year. However, in the last year our father has provided both my brother and I with vehicles to drive, so how can we not go visit him? I feel this enormous guilt, yet I'm still finding it difficult to commit to any plans. A big part of it that I hate to admit is my fear of driving, on the highway for long distances specifically. It's a paranoia that I've developed in the last few years, and it seems laughable to mostly everyone else. I know it's one of those things that I can only conquer by just facing it, and then it won't be that bad. But most times I only think about this when there comes the need for travel, which is usually at Christmas. Which is usually when the roads are the worst and my fears multiply. Ice is fucking scary. Whiteouts are fucking scary. Deer running in front of your car is scary. Then there's the actual Christmas part. I haven't even begun to shop or think about what to get people, and after looking at our budget and all these new expenses, I'm not sure it'll be anything much! At least last year, I thought I did pretty well, at least with the gifts for parents. And I know that's not everything, but still it does make me happy to give when I can. Then there's the spending the night if we do go out of town. I don't think we'd be able to afford a hotel room, but staying with family isn't always easy, either. My mom has reminded me that even though she doesn't have a problem with it, we shouldn't put relatives in the position to put us up in a room together. I can sort of understand, my mom's side of the family is Catholic and all. (And you know we're just dying to have hot nasty unmarried sex in some unsuspecting relative's house!) But yeah, I don't really like the idea of staying with family either and wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, including us.
I'm sure I could continue on with the complaining and the anxiety, but really I think I'm giving all of us a collective headache. I can't let myself get all freaked out, that doesn't help anything. But you know what does help, along with candy and inebriants and an understanding boyfriend? Being able to vent about it!

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Let us soil their guest beds with our sin!

- J

HemisphereDancer said...

You're not alone in your Holiday Stress and fear of driving long distances...and you're right, you just have to do it to beat it.

Dirk the Feeble said...

This is what Christmas is all about - being burdened with guilt by your family and forced into doing things you don't really want to do. Actually, that's not only Christmas . . .

Yossarian said...

i hate to be a nag, but some of us are waiting for details of your girl on girl exploits.

Dave said...

I want some of the inebriants, then lets talk about the girl on girl action. (mmmm...bondage)

Webmiztris said...

Christmas stresses me out a lot too. I'm too antisocial to have to deal with so many people in such a short amount of time. Plus my husband's family is HUGE and even after 5 years I only know about 1/2 of their names yet they ALL remember my name and it's embarrasing as hell.

DJ said...

I'm going to give you the advice I give my dog he gives the woe-is-me eyes: Don't be sad.