Friday, July 08, 2005

Immaculate Misconceptions

Or "The beginning of my naughty mind"

I was raised Catholic and conservative. There were things we just didn't talk about. It wasn't til later in life that I realized how different and open other parents were, but you know - it was how things were and felt normal.
However, I was never afraid to ask my parents questions. Questions they wished I wouldn't ask!

"Mom, what's a flasher? How can a man have sex with another man - do they just rub their thingies together? Were you a virgin before dad?"
"Dad, what's a masochist? Will I ever have big boobies? When did you and mom first have sex?"
And it goes on like this. I have to give them some credit for trying to come up with answers for an 8-11 year old, or however old I was. Well, I had two older brothers and I would hear things but wouldn't get the whole story! I also would read any young adult books that I could get my hands on that might mention sex. I was curious!

But back before all that, I remember a conversation I had with my mom which shows just how misled I was, but then again I was probably only 6 or 7. We were riding in the car and something I heard on the radio must've sparked this discussion.

Me (in my best imitation of my mother's tsk-tsk voice, and shaking my head in disbelief): "Mom, isn't it just awful that these days, people think the only way to have a baby is to have sex?"
She couldn't help turning to me in surprise and while fighting back the laughter. "Jess, sex is the way people make babies"
I was horrified. "But you told me that you prayed to have me!"
Mom: "Well, I did. I prayed that we'd be blessed with a healthy little girl. But that's not all it takes."
Me: "So that means... you and Dad had sex?" (I said that like it was a crime. All I knew previously about sex was that it's bad and don't do it.)
Me: "But wait a minute, what about the Virgin Mary? Isn't that a true story?"
Mom: "Well, that's different. But... I'm not telling you more about sex until you're older. We weren't supposed to have this talk so soon."

So that was that. For a while. I found other ways of getting my information. But still it wasn't until 4th or 5th grade that I discovered that testicles existed. I knew what a penis was, but when they put a diagram of the male anatomy on the overhead projector, I was like "No one told me there was something else down there - eeek!"

Don't worry folks - I think I've got things figured out now.


HemisphereDancer said...

Don't feel bad...I'm 30 and said EEK when I saw Paris' Pleasure Pouch!

Is the 10 year old look still in? I read a year ago in Playboy that the bush was back!

Being married, my knowledge of current vaginal trends is somewhat limited...

Nervous Girl said...

Well I don't know, there sure are a lot of ladies who still like to go bare, but I think a well trimmed bush is also acceptable. I don't know if I have a "trendy" vaginal appearance but I do keep up with the porn, you know - for educational purposes.
I think Paris' pouch is only one step above the ladies with the "roast beef cooch" - blechhh!

HemisphereDancer said...

As I have never heard the term, please elaborate on the Roast Beef Cooch...

Is it similar to the Chewed Up Gum Cooch?

Nervous Girl said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nervous Girl said...

Are you grossed out? Sorry bout that.

SayUnderpants said...

Heh...this conversation's gone out of control...

But what I was really going to say was this: I didn't know that testicles existed until I saw the movie "Johnny Dangerously" in 1985 - I was 11 years old...

HemisphereDancer said...

Hey Undepants! - Yes, the conversation has taken an interesting direction...and NO Jessica, you didn't gross me out...with a wife in medicine, and hearing all her's pretty much impossible!

Hey Underpants - Yes, the movie "You and Your Testicles" is one of my favorites...This is fargin war you iceholes!

HemisphereDancer said...

Oh, and by the way, the Chewed Up Gum Cooch is similar to the Roast Beef Cooch, only it retains its natural color but is all wrinkled and small and looks like someone had been chewing on a piece of gum all day and stuck it there. It's got a very "worn in" appearance.

My friend Van and I coined the phrase, although we don't know who thought of it first, but when one of us mentioned how a girl had a Chewed Up Gum Cooch, the other knew EXACTLY what it was.

Nervous Girl said...

I wussed out and deleted my earlier comment, but I see you understand. Justin and I have been known to invent some pretty crass terms - your "chewed up gum" comment cracked him up too!

HemisphereDancer said...

I can't pass up the opportunity here. You've teed it up, left the door wide open, and every other cliche here.

You deleted your comment.

What are you a pussy?

Nervous Girl said...

Ha ha ha - should've seen that coming!
Thank you. Your comments are much enjoyed while I pass the time NOT checking my email and NOT being a pussy and deleting future posts!