Friday, February 08, 2008

Thinking in circles

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:
"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

3 comments:

iamnot said...

That first paragraph by Jung makes sense to me.
We all second guess ourselves, you'd have to be crazy overconfident to NEVER second guess.
It's not being able to turn it off when it keeps you from functioning "normally" that brings it to the level of neurosis.

I hope you're seeing a professional about this.

Kate said...

I totally identify with the obsessing over decisions thing. And then once you make a decision, you find a way to feel bad about it - the thing you picked is too ugly/ expensive/ caloric/ difficult/ whatever. I don't know about you, but in addition to causing emotional turmoil, the second-guessing tendency also rendered me a horrible standardized test taker! :-p

Grammy said...

Hi NG,
I also can identify heavily with what you have decribed. I'm finding that I get paralyzed in grocery stores, where there are always 40 kinds of everything.