I'm sure I don't need to tell you that I'm not exactly an optimist, but I thought I'd been doing pretty well just going along with life pretending things are okay lately. Well, maybe pretending isn't quite the correct word - it's not that I don't ever feel happy and content with things. It's just that when I do start feeling all carefree and happy and whatnot, there's always this nagging feeling in my stomach, these awful thoughts in my head that want to ruin everything... "Hope you're having lots of fun being all happy and careless while other people are down and out and suffering and doing a lot more than you do, you selfish bitch." Because there has been a lot of sadness and suffering - in my family, even - and it's not that I don't feel it, and hurt because of it, and panic about it at night. But it's that I feel somewhat numb to it all, not knowing how to deal with it has led me to retreat to my bubble because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make it better. But I also realize that my being numb isn't helping anything.
The weird thing is, he was diagnosed with cancer while awaiting his sentencing. If you believe in God or karma or some sort of higher power, do you think that the timing of this is no coincidence? The cancer may have saved him - at least temporarily - from prison time, but it certainly isn't a trade-off that I think anyone would choose. Do you feel less bad for someone with cancer if they're also a repeat offender that hasn't seemed to want to turn their life around? That doesn't seem right either. It's hard to separate the two things, and it's confusing to try to separate the two personalities I've seen in him. Can you just forgive someone who hasn't asked for your forgiveness? I think in this case I should.
I suppose it's just part of life, part of getting older, but it's these life/death thoughts that give me panic attacks more and more often. I'm terrified of seeing loved ones getting old, getting sick, not being there. I'm terrified of myself getting old, getting sick, not being there... but with the way I've been living, it seems as if I've been pretty scared of life too. I don't know. Existential crisis? Let's not.
So, that's the condensed version. On to less heavy topics next time.