27 going on... 7?

Sometimes it's hard to tell you what I'm thinking. My mind's all a mess anyway. But even if I could figure out what I am and what I want to express, I can't picture anyone really understanding. I can't picture myself finding my group of people, like the bee girl in the "No Rain" video. I've been sort of associated with different groups before, but never felt like I really belonged. I guess that's why you've got to decide who you are and just put yourself out there without giving a fuck. I don't know how to act. I like to be alone, but I like attention too. I'd like to be interesting and not annoying. I don't think there is anything intriguing about me. People just assume they know me, that meek little doormat girl who you know wants to be your friend. Even though you don't really like her, you'll give her the time of day once in a while just to make you feel better about yourself. I don't know - I like sarcasm, I like abstract things, I like deep thoughts and poetry, I like people who make me stop and think and wonder. But I also sometimes wish that people wouldn't play these fucking characters. Just to be elusive and not let anyone get close to you or see that you have feelings. Maybe because when I was younger, I pretended to other people that things were fine when they weren't. Even though they probably knew anyway. And I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't allowed to. It would piss me off greatly when my mom had just gotten into a huge screaming argument with me or my brothers, but as soon as the phone rang she was all fake-cheery and laughing it up with her friends. I know there are reasons people do that, and it's usually to protect themselves, but sometimes I have to just stop sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending it's not there. Then again - I don't know, perhaps I would be a better, stronger, more respectable person if I didn't go around admitting my weaknesses and feelings?