Thursday, October 20, 2005

27 going on... 7?

Sometimes it's hard to tell you what I'm thinking. My mind's all a mess anyway. But even if I could figure out what I am and what I want to express, I can't picture anyone really understanding. I can't picture myself finding my group of people, like the bee girl in the "No Rain" video. I've been sort of associated with different groups before, but never felt like I really belonged. I guess that's why you've got to decide who you are and just put yourself out there without giving a fuck. I don't know how to act. I like to be alone, but I like attention too. I'd like to be interesting and not annoying. I don't think there is anything intriguing about me. People just assume they know me, that meek little doormat girl who you know wants to be your friend. Even though you don't really like her, you'll give her the time of day once in a while just to make you feel better about yourself. I don't know - I like sarcasm, I like abstract things, I like deep thoughts and poetry, I like people who make me stop and think and wonder. But I also sometimes wish that people wouldn't play these fucking characters. Just to be elusive and not let anyone get close to you or see that you have feelings. Maybe because when I was younger, I pretended to other people that things were fine when they weren't. Even though they probably knew anyway. And I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't allowed to. It would piss me off greatly when my mom had just gotten into a huge screaming argument with me or my brothers, but as soon as the phone rang she was all fake-cheery and laughing it up with her friends. I know there are reasons people do that, and it's usually to protect themselves, but sometimes I have to just stop sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending it's not there. Then again - I don't know, perhaps I would be a better, stronger, more respectable person if I didn't go around admitting my weaknesses and feelings?

9 comments:

The Reverend Dan said...

Jessica,
Your sentiments seem to betray an Irish heritage. At least you're not listening to Elliot Smith, at the moment, for all I know.
Perhaps the most telling element of your message is the time at which it was posted.
Take heart, you can be honest now. You can do and say and feel openly as you wish. It is the blessing of being an adult. The counter of which is not having anyone to pick up your toys for you. Which sucks.

Nervous Girl said...

rev - woops, actually that was supposed to be at about 1:21PM - I'll have to change that - I don't know if that helps my case!
I'm mostly of German heritage, does that make a difference?
And no, I'm listening to awful pop radio right now. :)

The Reverend Dan said...

Perhaps German heritage is worse. It's hard to say. And maybe pop radio is more depressing than Elliot Smith. At least he's real.

And, still, if you were awake from 1:21 a.m. to 1:21 p.m., and you're raving mad from exhaustion, it's possible you're a lost cause.

Your only chance is to find one of those handy magic eight balls. Ask it critical questions and let it make all important decisions for you.

Webmiztris said...

wow, I thought I was the only one who felt like the bee girl.

Nervous Girl said...

welcome, webmiztris! :)

Grafs said...

I know how you feel! Everyone is shocked to find an emotional personality behind my wall, but I found that ever since I have been letting it show more, more people want to be around me. You are a better, stronger, more respectable person when you DO admit weeknesses and feelings. Any person in the world can look like a automaton. Emotions make us individuals.

Dirk the Feeble said...

This post makes me want us to do some hardcore mugging-down.

I guess you aren't the only one with no internal monologue.

Nervous Girl said...

Grafs - my sentiments, exactly! :)

armaedes - what's "mugging-down"?

Dirk the Feeble said...

No one knows (and we're not supposed to ask).

My ex-girlfriend didn't know what it meant, either.

*shrug*

Must be a regional thing.