Tuesday, August 09, 2005

It's everything, yet nothing really....

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
Today I woke up, feeling okay. Just a little sleepy but no big complaints. The morning went by fast, I was chipper and got things done at work. I was even sociable with people. I felt like one of those girls that I usually don't like who's all perky and talkative. Things seemed good. I'm such a better person at those times. Like if I went home at that point, I would probably get a lot accomplished there too. I can get on a roll and not mind the cleaning or doing the laundry. I can keep myself busy. I can have conversations with people and they actually smile at me instead of looking confused. I can feel good about myself and the tiny accomplishments I make. I can laugh at things and not take them too seriously.

But then...a few hours later...

I don't know what happened. Really it wasn't anything important. Just a few little things that I will overanalyze and take as being negative. Suddenly I am back to being the biggest fucking loser around, I have no purpose on this earth, and people suck and don't understand. I suck at this job but will never find anything better. I want to crawl under my desk and cry, or if I'm at home - bury my head in a pillow and cry. People close to me will ask what's wrong, and really I don't know. I didn't think I looked like anything was wrong but my emotions are so obvious when you look at me. All I can think about is how fucked up I am and how I deserve to be punished for it. I didn't follow the right path and now I'm getting fucking old and I'm missing my "best years." I've been saying that I'm wasting my "best years" for years now. I deserve to suffer because I'm a little crybaby who still hasn't grown up. No one likes people who can't control their emotions. It's just something you're not supposed to tell other people. You don't want to be one of those people who drags everyone else down with them. Fuck, now I'm crying. See? This is ridiculous. It's not even PMS. I know the "regular" me is in there somewhere, I just can't reach her. I've worked so hard to get back to normal, but I still slip back into this. I just can't stop telling myself horrible things. I hate being this way. I avoid my family, or I avoid leaving the house because I just can't even face the world out there. I can't make myself smile. I don't want to try to explain it to the millionth person who doesn't get it. I'm as sick of being this way as they are sick of hearing about it. I feel like slamming my face into the mirror until it breaks. But really I won't. It will pass. I know it will. I shouldn't have even written this, but I had to get it out. I hope you'll understand that it's just a part of me and doesn't represent everything I am, or everything I could be.

11 comments:

Jim said...

Even in your misery so are so articulate.

Nervous Girl said...

Thanks Jim.

HemisphereDancer said...

Been there - done that.

Just try to make each day, no, scratch that, each hour, better than the last.

Don't worry, your "best years" are in your control and lie ahead.

Hang in there...

Dave said...

I tell people this, though no one really believes me. I had the same thing for YEARS, and 5htp (available at most vitamin shops) does wonders. I found out about it when I went through a phaze when I was doing X, and needed to replenish seratonin quickly. I use it still because its wonderful in thwarting depression.

Dwight Chisholm said...

Dave is my trusted pharmacist, though I don't recall if he's ever given me 5htp. I just vaguely recall that I've enjoyed most of what he's prescribed, especially in Vegas.

Nervous Girl said...

hemispheredancer: Thanks for the reassurance and understanding. :)

Dave & Dwight - Thanks for coming by, you two crack me up. I have heard of the 5HTP working well for some people, I'll have to check into that. I'm sure I'd have to get the "Z" out of my system first though, but if something more natural worked that would be great. Thanks for the suggestion.

Lovely Lisa said...

Oh Jessica!!
I guess we have a lot in common, huh?? The beauty of the blog is to get it all out, and I think you did a great job doing that. Yes, we meet people who read our blogs and we religiously read others blogs, but the purpose is to write what you want, to get it out, your core of feelings.
I overanalyze too.

Nervous Girl said...

Oh Lisa, you're a girl after my own heart (or whatever the expression is)! Thank you for understanding.

Soffy O said...

I felt like this TODAY. I had this conversation with a friend TODAY and he felt the same way. My mother would maybe call me 'twitchy' and just tell me to relax and have a drink. I think neurotic is more acurate and what I'd like is prescription pills.
People definately look confused when I try to make light conversation and sometimes it stops me half way through a sentence. I am constantly, constantly reminded of mistakes I have made and I'm only fucking 21, would you believe? So if you see me I might be blushing for no aparent reason. Ha ha ha...

Now I must go read everything else you have written... Thanks by the way!

Nervous Girl said...

Well, thank you soffy o!
I hope things get better for you too, and thanks for reading - hope you aren't bored to tears if you go back and read all my posts!

Soffy O said...

I feel like I sounded like such a precocious little what-does-she-know twenty one year old!

...and NO, I am loving your entire blog!