Monday, May 21, 2007

Claimed Baggage

I'll try to get this out before I tell myself to shutup. Maybe it will help. Maybe not. There's no good way of putting it, I'm feeling like a failure right now. In just about everything I do. I feel like dead weight dragging behind him and slowing everything down. I don't feel like marriage material. I don't feel like I have enough to offer in return. That is the worst, to feel like some sort of leech attached to something you don't deserve. It's very obvious that one could make it just fine without the other one. I don't want him to be any less. I just want to be more. To create some balance. It wasn't always this way, or didn't always feel like this. At some point it's like I lost myself, willingly. I wanted to just follow along not taking the lead. And that's not always bad, but it's not really fair that the other person always has to show you the way, and wait for you to catch up. I don't want to just be the girl that's always apologizing while she makes the same fucking mistakes repeatedly, but it feels like that's what I've become. It's trying on the patience of others. Somewhere along the way I got so scared of how much I'd fuck everything up that I crippled myself from being able to make decisions without advice. I stunted my own growth. That's no way to be.

The realization that has come may be obvious to everyone else. There was a period in life where I felt drawn to, well, others who didn't necessarily have a lot going for them. And felt like I could help them somehow, make things better. Did I? Probably thought so at the time. But didn't think of the self-serving side in it, that maybe deep down I was looking for an ego boost by scraping the bottom of the barrel for anyone worse off than myself. A saint complex, is it? So I'd seem all shiny and good by comparison since I felt like such a piece of shit inside. So then being with someone with talents and the whole package, I don't know quite what to do with myself. By all rights it's come back to bite me in the ass. My flaws are glaringly obvious. Over time, it's like the outer perception of goodness has worn off and everyone can see I'm just a lazy turd that he was kind enough to scrape off of his shoe and keep. Wow, that is an ugly UGLY thought. It's not about comparing yourself to others. Or, it shouldn't be.

At least the good thing is, as much as I say these hurtful things to myself, I don't feel that it's quite to the point of being hopeless. It's just that I have this perception of who I should be (you know - independent woman, domestic goddess, responsible adult, fun-loving wife, etc.) and it feels so far away. I don't want to spoil things for us. All I have to show for myself should not be a mess of self-doubt and emotional imbalance and unpaid bills and "I'm sorry"s. I can keep trying to make things better for myself, and in turn do better for him, for us. So, I'm not really asking for advice this time as much as writing out what's in my head and trying to make sense of it.


Beckalicious said...

If you lived closer, I'd give you a hug... then I'd kick your ass. (:

I've felt that way so often, but have never been able to put it into words like you can.

iamnot said...

I wish I knew you well enough to understand where this is coming from.
It seems that people either have a delusional level of self-confidence, or undervalue themselves badly. The former usually results from a lack of self-awareness, the later from too much introspection.
No loving, giving person should feel as bereft of value as you apparently do. Perhaps you should spend some time peering away from your belly button and look at how you actually fit in to the lives of those around you. You might find a lot of love and value, if you’re looking at you through someone else’s eyes.

Quinn said...

I know you're not asking for any advice or anything, so I won't start babbling (right, like I can ever avoid that). Just want to say I've been where you are and will probably find myself there again, and I know it just. plain. sucks. Your internets are here for you.

That Nervous Girl said...

I don't always know what to say to comment back - but thanks for reading and stuff, folks. I just tend to write more when I'm feeling all lonely and depressed than when I'm feeling normal. Maybe that's not the best idea to throw it all out there on the internets, but it seems to help me sometimes just to write it out, ya know?

Fluffycat said...

Hang in there. I could recommend some reading materials if you are interested.