Thursday, March 03, 2011

Just write

I still haven't figured out what you're supposed to do when all the feelings feel like too much. When none of the quiet music or deep breaths feel particularly soothing and the blood pressure headache starts to build up behind the eyes. When part of me wants to crumble into tears, and part of me is too full of rage to sit still. I am not one to purposely break things, but in my head there's a build-up that shattering all our dinner plates could only start to release. Trying to explain what's going on feels like a bad dream - you're trying to convey something serious, but people only respond as if you're saying something both ridiculous and hilarious. I hate that even to me, it feels so serious at the time until the feeling just runs it's course. The only way I feel I can explain to most people is that I'm not well. Notice: I am not well and as such will be unable to take visitors or be in the vicinity of the general public until further notice. So, carry on, then. I'm sick, but not in a way that's really acceptable or has a simple explanation. Oh shit, it's probably just a chemical imbalance, the stupid change in hormones. Well, I guess that is a simple explanation, but not one I can give to everyone and expect to be met with understanding and acceptance.


Constance (the first) said...

One of the ways I know things are bad is when I start thinking "I am not well" and "Something is wrong" and "I am unhappy" and "I feel awful." Which is how I've been feeling lately. But I don't know what to do about it either. Sometimes Internet stuff makes it better, and sometimes it makes it worse.

Fluffycat said...

I get what you are saying... sometimes it's just hard to sit still and figure out what you can do to make yourself better. Step one, don't be too hard on yourself.

Nervous said...

Constance & Fluffycat - thanks for reading/commenting. It's not that I want you to feel shitty too, but it is nice to have people express their understanding.