Tuesday, April 04, 2006


I'm just floating around aimlessly, don't mind me. I don't know what to say. I keep worrying that I say all the wrong things, or I've said stuff in a way that didn't properly reflect how I meant it. I think I scare people away. So uhh, it comes from being a hermit and I'm sorry.

It was a rotten day for talking about my health. At the doctor's office, I was painfully aware of how all the nurses & lab techs were younger/prettier/perkier/have better jobs than me. You see where I'm going with this. My self image is not at it's best during this time of my cycle to begin with. Of course the only available magazine in the waiting room was Seventeen - which normally I would just snicker at, but today felt like a reminder of how uncool and out of touch I am. Then it was time to step on the scale. Looking at those awful red digits come up was both suprising and (after rubbing eyes and looking again) terribly disconcerting. I'm really embarrassed at how much I've let myself go in the last few years, and it all seems to be catching up with me now. Left alone in the exam room I frowned at myself in the mirror, noticed how my makeup seemed so much less than flattering under the flourescent lights than it had at home, and tried rather unsuccessfully to smooth my windblown hair. The doctor was nice as usual, and nothing about it really should've made me feel bad. But I'm afraid the most likely result of this will be "Based on our tests, it turns out you're just a lazy and sad little piggy. You don't need medicine, you need a kick in the pants."