Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Inside out

Emptiness. I feel it when I'm here alone and have time to think. Nagging, gnawing away at my insides. I know I shouldn't tell you all this. I will try to make friends and scare them away by my need to be liked. I want them to like us so badly, yet I'm unconcerned about how much I like them. I mean, I do - but it's easy for me to like people. I don't know if it's easy for me to be liked. People look at me different now. I can't tell if they're looking at all the flaws on the surface or if they can sense them inside. Do they like me? Did I smile enough? I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but in reality I'm probably highly forgettable. I'm afraid that if people do like me, it's only for the sole reason that I like them. That is their favorite quality about me, not that I have something to show for myself. But sometimes that is all I have to offer, how I can make other people feel.

There are these typical "normal" things that you are just supposed to do or have, and part of me resents that. Credit cards, a college degree, a purpose. A collection of shoes, an iPod, a personal trainer, a 401k. Riding your bike, rollerblading, going to concerts, going swimming, social gatherings - they all come naturally. Having a balance of time spent with your spouse, family and your wide range of friends. You go on vacations because that is what people just do, without worrying about how you could possibly afford it and how you would get there and if you'd be given time off and if you were, if it would be with pay. You don't worry about any of that. Everyone seems so... cut from the same cloth? And as for me? Cut from that leftover scrap of gauze over there.

I get this frantic feeling in my head that you'd only know if you've experienced it. I can only look at it logically when I'm not in the throes of it. I don't know whether to drink til I feel that poison in my veins, to smoke until it hurts to breathe, to cut, to cry, to throw dishes, to sit in a corner shaking, to lock myself in a room, to scream profanity, to run run run far away. I restrain myself. None of these ever seems like an option that could offer enough relief. Because you just can't turn it off. You just can't turn it off. And that is the advice you will get - because to everyone else it's so SIMPLE! Just turn it off! There you go, I fixed all your problems for you! Just don't be like... how you are! There, doesn't that feel better? It worked for us, so it must work for you! Aww, you're sad? Well, let me condescend to you and make you feel just a little bit smaller, piece by piece, take away a little more of that stubborn thinking of yours and then you will look up to me like some kind of savior who knows what's best for you.

I know that most likely by the end of the day I won't feel like this anymore. I didn't even know when I began that I'd say all of that. I wish I could say that was it and that I feel better now.


Peggasus said...

I don't know.

I've never suffered from depression, but many of those I love have and do. My husband's grandmother, his mother, him, and I believe my 20-year-old son has a measure of it, as well as several good friends of mine.

I know that I, personally, can't do a thing to help them out of it when they hit a bad spot other than try to be there, listen, feed them, and just love them. I know that isn't enough, but it's all I can do.

I don't know what the answer is. I know it's not simple. But it breaks my heart when I see people going through this and I know there's nothing I can do to help in a meaningful way. I don't know.

But we hear you, if that's any consolation.

Grafs said...

It seems like everytime I read your posts when you are feeling down, they reflect exactly how I feel when I am down. I wonder why we feel friends are people that are so easily offended? I am currently in a state of feeling guilty about everything that I've ever done in my life :) Hang in there!

Nervous Girl said...

Peggasus - Yeah, I don't know either. Even though I deal with it myself, I still feel at a loss when it comes to comforting someone else with depression when it just seems like nothing helps. You'd think that I'd have some idea of how to help others out of it, but really I'm usually better at listening than advising. It sounds like you do everything you can to be supportive, strong and comforting - and I'm sure that means a whole lot to your loved ones (even if it doesn't seem like they really appreciate it sometimes.) Sometimes as much as I want to just isolate myself when I'm in these moods, it is a consolation just to be heard and understood by someone. You sound like such a caring and honest person, Peg - thank you for your comments and insight.

Grafs - Thanks for your comment, it's nice that you can understand - not that I want you to be feeling down - but just that you know where I'm coming from. Gughh, I know that distorted, sickening feeling of guilt for absolutely everything in life and I hope that it passes for you soon. I know things will get better, for both of us, but I guess it's just a matter of time.

Mr. Husbland said...

Madame Nervous, I really really like you.

Does that help?? :)

Blush said...

email me...ill try to reply when i get home from work

NeverEnough said...

Wow - this was so raw and revealing! Loved it...