Monday, June 05, 2006

Personal reprieve


Yeah, so I know my interests may seem a bit blah lately. No, I didn't age 30 years overnight, though sometimes it feels that way. But hell, if the chicks my age can get all into their knitting projects, I can get into flowers and birds and other token grandmotherly activities, can't I? Come on now.

Sometimes the best thing I can do to keep myself from worrying and obsessing about the state of my life is to just distract myself with some little happy thing like this. It at least helps to work towards balancing out all the negativity I have. I don't know why it can be so hard for me to just feel happy without feeling guilty. Somewhere along the line I was given the idea that the only time you are worthy of happiness is if you have really truly suffered for it. Now, I can see where in some cases this is true but also how my mind has distorted it, making me constantly think things like I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy. It's an endless struggle, and somedays I'm better at fighting it than others. But hell if I'm gonna just give up.

3 comments:

Will said...

Don't give up. I understand how you feel though.

Grafs said...

I think everyone deserves to be happy, but happiness is the most elusive thing in the world. Speaking of aging, my sisters-in-law regaled me with stories of their excessive experience with conquest and adventure. I feel like I'm 50 right now.

---- said...

Grandma chic is *in*!

Seriously -- I love mindlessly watering the plants in my front yard. It's good to take the mind away from everyday crap. Enjoy those beautiful blooms for all they're worth, dernit.

:)