Tuesday, June 13, 2006

"I was saying boo-urns"

Man, people. I feel like a putz. This office could use one of those cliche posters that says "Hang in there, kitty" or something like that. Just because it would disturb the other people here and they'd have to debate whether or not to tell me it's too tacky. Instead there are just blank walls, which when combined with flourescent lighting can be quite depressing. Not that I'm complaining. This is the first job where I've ever had my own desk. So you know, it ain't all bad.

I'm just feeling kind of tired and lifeless. Sick of things. Stuffed up. I'm sorry I haven't had much to say to you all. I'm riding the ups and downs, sometimes it's a bit unpredictable so I'd rather keep my mouth shut. I don't carry myself like I used to, I don't like myself like I used to, and that's really what people notice I think. I know looks aren't everything, but it's more of the vibe you give off. You can be what one might not immediately consider "attractive" but it all depends on how you act and how you hold yourself, how people respond to you. I'm to the point where it's really more and more of a downer to look in the mirror. I was the same size for nearly 10 years, and now I'm a bit of a chub (to put it "lightly" - ha). If I told my mother how much I weighed and what pant sizes I'm trying on now, I'm sure she'd do her token mom-gasp and try to push her South Beach diet book on me. Not that she doesn't notice. Everyone notices, they're not even trying to pretend not to. Gughhh. My desired solution would be to just grow 2 or 3 inches taller - being short leaves me no room for this weight to properly distribute itself. But I know I need excercise, for several reasons in addition to weight loss. I'm too young to have crackling knees and ankles and to hobble when I get up in the morning. Yeah, not good.

Sorry I don't have much of anything too good to say. It's amazing though, how much better I feel and how much I turn into a different person when I can just get out of here and into the sunshine.


KC said...

I was just thinking the same thing the other day... if I could grow about 3 more inches, I wouldn't look so frumpy. The weight would redistribute itself and all would be right with the world. Guess we all have those thoughts sometime.

The other day I was visiting my mom and her mom (grandma) was there. Afterwards, my mom told me that granny said, "KC is such a beautiful woman, but I don't think she realizes it or uses it to her advantage." That was nice, but also kind of sad to hear her say it.

I used to be considered pretty. Now I'm middle-aged and frumpy. After I hit 40, it all went to hell in a handbasket. heehee! Guess I really need to start using that exercise equipment I bought instead of letting it collect dust.

Nervous Girl said...

KC - Oh I know. While I'm sure your grandma meant that in the sweetest way possible, I can see how that would hurt a little too. Like when people say "she could be pretty, if she'd just..."
For me, it's always been a struggle in one way or another to feel good about myself, and I miss the times that I did feel pretty!
Thanks for coming by and sharing your thoughts. :)