Friday, April 07, 2006

Pulling my hair out won't help

I tend to get anxious and sometimes depressed when there's about to be a family gathering of some kind. My brother and his pregnant girlfriend and her daughter from a previous relationship will be coming to visit. They won't even be spending the night with us, so I shouldn't be worried about it. The more I sit and stew on it, the worse I'll feel. So once again, I'm venting my thoughts here in hopes that I will feel better after attempting to put my feelings into words.

I feel ashamed, because I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'll only make it worse. I used to think of myself as warm, caring and forgiving. Very forgiving - to a fault I guess you could say. But time has passed, and I've grown accustomed to my pouty, unforgiving ways. The worst is that it's towards my family - who I really should be closest and most forgiving with.

It's not a good time to bring up this old shit, but it really never will be. I really should do the civil thing and swallow my feelings and smile. But then you know, there's that whole resentment thing. And it shows, as much as I try to hide it.

There just eventually came a point in my life where I realized that I had been making excuses for my brother for so long, trying to put him in a good light, covering up the things I know he did... that it became a burden on me. But I know it's not fair to just be secretly angry because it's my problem that I haven't quite come to terms with. Actually, later in life we've become more of friends with each other. I should know he's sorry even if we can't talk about it... right? I think we tried to once, and I just couldn't deal with it, it broke my heart and felt embarrassing to hear him apologize and I just quickly smoothed it over like it never was a big deal to me. So why is this bothering me now? I mean, he's grown up and changed - sort of. What do I even want to come from this? Do I want him to feel awful all over again for things he did that made me feel awful? No, not really. Do I want to shut him out of my life the way he did with us for so many years? A little. Do I want him to be happy now that he's becoming a father? Of course I do, but I can't say the idea doesn't worry me. Do I want to grab him and shake him and tell him he's done some really stupid shit? Yeah, sometimes. But you know what? There will always be people that will feel that way towards him, and I don't think that's what I'm meant to do. I feel like I'm meant to be the voice of reason and understanding. But sometimes, I just don't feel up to it the way I used to. Like now.
This is only as big of a deal as I make it. Then again, in my little world things are always a big deal.


Will said...

My brother and I haven't seen one another in years due to various resentments and mistakes. We're working on correcting that. I know family can feel like a burden but they an be sometimes so don't kick yourself over it.

Grafs said...

I also have a brother i would like to shake. People just make dumb decisions. I guess we loved ones have the hard task of watching and hopefully making a difference once in a while.

I am taking down my other blog, but I left a message on it for my faithful readers. I'll be taking it down in a few days. I will also be anwering your tag on Monday or Tuesday. :)