Monday, May 01, 2006

Blue Monday

I wrote this last night (Monday). I know it's all whiney and crap, but hell I wrote it so I'm putting it up. I'll hopefully have something happier to share soon.

I've had way too much time to think today. Still, not much clarity has come from it.

I'm not the type that has taken a big ol' bite out of life. I haven't been known to put my foot down and demand things in the way other people do. I sometimes can't bring myself to just tell you what I want. Sometimes I don't know what I want. Sometimes I'm afraid to say it. I just want to be someone. I want to be worth something. To you and to me. I don't feel like there's anywhere I fit in. You won't hear me being referred to as "my wife" or "that hottie" or "the charming young lady" or even "the MILF next door." But perhaps that is for the best. I am none of these things. I'm not young, I'm not cute, I'm not successful, I'm not sick, I'm not well. I don't seem to ever feel quite right. I feel like I have so much that I want to give, but how can a no-one have anything to offer?

So, here I am on another pointless night, wanting to cry for other people's lives - for their struggles, their loves, their losses, their strengths. It's ridiculous.

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. - Anais Nin

While this quote makes some sense, you can probably see why I also find it heartbreaking. I want to be a better person, I don't want to weigh anyone down, I just feel so overwhelmed by all my flaws and don't quite know where to start with fixing them.


Grafs said...

Yeah I know exactly how you feel. That quote struck home. Getting off the antidepressant has taken a bite out of some of my relationships. I guess all one can do is keep breathing.

I'm sure you're not as flawed as you think.

Blush said...

oh baby! ive felt like that for most of my life. the thing i had to change is me. i just convinced myself i was awesome. you should do the same, because you are...


Mr. Husbland said...

If I were to describe you I would use the words Encouraging and Sweet.

Those words are more sexy than 'hottie, charming, young, or a MILF'.

Yossarian said...

i make the worlds best duck flambe, even though im not sure on how to spell flambe

The Big Cheese said...

If it makes you feel any better, I love to find a new post by you. And I am not just trying to get in your pants...well not yet.

Nervous Girl said...

grafs - thanks for knowing where I'm coming from and all that :)

blush - sometimes it's nearly impossible to convince myself of that, but I'll try - the good old self-fulfilling prophecy! Thank you, I feel the love.

mr. husbland - Aww, you're too kind.

yossarian - Oh really now? I thought you woulda followed that comment with "If by duck flambee you mean setting shit on fire..." or something like that.

big cheese - that does make me feel better, you're sweet.