I wrote this last night (Monday). I know it's all whiney and crap, but hell I wrote it so I'm putting it up. I'll hopefully have something happier to share soon.
I've had way too much time to think today. Still, not much clarity has come from it.
I'm not the type that has taken a big ol' bite out of life. I haven't been known to put my foot down and demand things in the way other people do. I sometimes can't bring myself to just tell you what I want. Sometimes I don't know what I want. Sometimes I'm afraid to say it. I just want to be someone. I want to be worth something. To you and to me. I don't feel like there's anywhere I fit in. You won't hear me being referred to as "my wife" or "that hottie" or "the charming young lady" or even "the MILF next door." But perhaps that is for the best. I am none of these things. I'm not young, I'm not cute, I'm not successful, I'm not sick, I'm not well. I don't seem to ever feel quite right. I feel like I have so much that I want to give, but how can a no-one have anything to offer?
So, here I am on another pointless night, wanting to cry for other people's lives - for their struggles, their loves, their losses, their strengths. It's ridiculous.
Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. - Anais Nin
While this quote makes some sense, you can probably see why I also find it heartbreaking. I want to be a better person, I don't want to weigh anyone down, I just feel so overwhelmed by all my flaws and don't quite know where to start with fixing them.