Oh, to be hepped up on goofballs

Whatever happened to Mini-Thins? You probably can't get them anymore, can you? I mean, because of the ephedrine and all. I remember that you had to be 18 (supposedly) to buy them, but I wonder what the cut off age is that says you're getting too old for this shit? Probably also 18. They were big amongst my group of friends in highschool, not that that's saying much. They'd make me feel like jumping around and skipping merrily, and like I could smoke way more than usual without the consequences (which I'm sure was the recommended idea for this "asthma treatment".) But you had to watch out because depending on how many you took, you could really crash hard afterwards. I suppose this was one of the more minor dumbass things I did at the time.

That "just rolled out of bed" look

Q: You've got wild hair today, did you do something different?

A: Yes, I think it was the masturbating that did it.

Life's a garden, dig it!

I haven't been writing or using the computer as much lately - what's happening to me? Well, you haven't missed much. I've just been spending more time outside, pulling out weeds and dead stuff from the garden while sneezing incessantly. My mom came over on Saturday and we spent the better part of the day working on it, which still is only a dent in all we need to do. It was great to have her help and advice though. While we were doing that, J got us a nice new mailbox, tore out the old box and post and put the new one in, so we no longer have one that's leaning precariously to the side with its door hanging open. Yay!
I even chatted with a few of our neighbors a bit yesterday. I'm sure I made a great impression given that I hadn't showered or put makeup on yet, was wearing grubby gardening clothes and was sniffling like crazy from allergies. Oh well, they were really nice and hopefully I didn't scare them off for good.
So, as you can see it's just boring regular kind of stuff going on over here. But hey, just look at these purty-purty flowers that have popped up behind our house over the last couple weeks!






More to come...

The Homemade Bong Experiment

Oh, I forgot what I was going to tell you.

*Cough*

Not exactly a poem

Not exactly depressed.
Not the time to be hormonally moody.
Wouldn't say I'm coming down with something.
There isn't all that much pressure to speak of.
Can't say I'm necessarily angry.
But.
Still.
Life's little irritants,
Like the leftovers in the back of the fridge
That you want to just forget about
Are still there,
Lurking and starting to get stinky,
They're taking over and ruining the things that were good
Until you just have to deal with them
And I'm in the mood
To throw everything away

Yours is a butt that won't quit

I'm very low on energy today, so if I haven't written you or have only half-assed written to you, sorry about that. Me sleepy. No writey good.

So I'll just bring up some TV stuff.
It's easy for me to get hooked on these HBO & Showtime original series. Only, it seems like I don't watch the ones that virtually everyone else does, like "The Sopranos" "Six Feet Under" or "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or whatever it is you kids are watching these days. However, I've recently become rather into HBO's new series "Big Love" - you know, the one about polygamy, starring Bill Paxton? I think I become easily intrigued with alternative lifestyles, and alright, it's the drama too. It's really quite interesting and worth checking out. If I wasn't so out of it, I'd give you a better review.

I'd also gladly discuss "The L Word" "Deadwood" or "Weeds" with you, should you have an interest in them.
But right now, I can't really focus on much of anything - especially work, which reminds me - I have some to do. Blurrghh.

Coincidence?

It's been awhile since I've had some fortune cookie wisdom to share. But today the consensus was: chinese food for lunch! And lookee what I got:

Think of the danger while things are going smoothly.

Ah, yes. Thank you for that little tidbit. So, continue on with my paranoia and neuroses you say? Don't mind if I do!

The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste

Last night I had a dream that someone put a cigarette (a camel light to be specific) in my mouth and lit it. It felt so real. I nodded with gratitude, this way I could say it wasn't my own doing. But, I took a deep drag and it tasted bad (this has been happening more and more in my smoking dreams lately.) Thanks, conscience.

Speaking of dreams, last week I had some real disturbing ones. But this was on a day that I had taken a nap, which I don't do so much anymore - and it seems that I tend to have very odd dreams while napping. The kind that make it even more difficult to return to reality. I can't remember all of the details (wish I had written about it then) but it started out with some hot lesbian canoodling with most of the cast of The L Word, but then things took a horrible turn. It was like we were all playing this assassin game, only it turned out to not really be a game. This scary pro-wrestler dude (why the fuck was he there?) had drawn my name and came after me with this small rusty chainsaw, yelling to me that there was no point in running. The awful part, folks, is that when he caught up with me, I could actually feel the heat and the gnarly saw's teeth against my neck. He was going to cut my head off, and all I did was close my eyes and hope that it would be over soon. Really disturbing.

I swear, people. I hardly ever watch horror movies - in fact I tend to get not just disturbed but downright pissed at some of the previews for the shock horror movies that have come out lately. There's enough shit in real life or in dreams that scares the hell out of me, thank you.

Oblivion

It's pretty cute when J and his brother have the same video game and need to discuss gaming matters over the phone. J gets rather animated and can give a glowing, accurate, and sometimes mindbogglingly complete review of a game he enjoys, more thorough than any gaming site I've ever seen.

We were out shopping last week when his brother called to let him know he had just bought this game that J had recommended. A half hour conversation ensued as I kept shopping, once in a while wandering off with the cart or looking at him quizzically as I pointed first at one item, then another, then just said screw it and dropped whatever it was into the cart while he chatted.

When we got out to the car and he hung up, he smiled at me "Sorry I was on the phone so long, honey. I hope I didn't embarrass you."
"No no - I know you don't get to talk to your brother that often..."
"But...?" he said, and we both started to laugh.
"But if I have to hear another damn word about 'mages', 'magicka' or 'throwing fireballs' while we're in public, I'm going to have to pretend I don't know you."

Don't judge me by my pants

Ughh. Ever have one of those mornings where you leave the house knowingly making a bad clothing choice? Only since you're still in your morning grogginess mode, you tell yourself that you don't really care? Until you get a little ways down the road and see yourself in natural light, and then you do care but it's too late to turn around and go back? Or worse, you don't see the true hideousness of your outfit until you're under the flourescent lights at work? Oh, of course you don't. But I do.

I'm stuck in that clothing limbo right now. While it's becoming more and more apparent that I need to buy some new clothes that are ahem, a bit larger; I'm still giving myself this shred of hope that my fattiness is only temporary and I'll soon be fitting into my old clothes. Then again, my old clothes aren't worth much of a shit and are mostly clearance rack items anyway, so I don't know why it matters. Guhh.

So I've got these "nice" gray pants on with a very thin, subtle pink stripe in them that I haven't even owned for very long. They have a winning combination of being a tad tight around the waist along with being too short (I also have a knack for shrinking pants in the dryer.) So, I yank them down a bit to cover my glaringly ridiculous light pink socks (with black shoes, thus giving me that good ol 80s Michael Jackson look) and then with pants sitting at hip level, it's "hello there, belly flab!" Which might not be that noticable if I didn't also have a thin, ill-fitting pink sweater on (which, it turns out - is the wrong shade of pink to wear with these pants anyway.)

Please, just avert your eyes if I have to walk past you, okay?

Oh, like you didn't think that

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mute

The days that I need closeness the most are the days that I can't bring myself to reach out for it.

Not babysitter material

So, the weekend visit with the brother went okay. It felt like we really didn't get much of a chance to talk, but I guess neither of us are very big talkers anyhow. Or we just don't know how to instigate a conversation sometimes. Also, there was a bit of awkwardness with his girlfriend and her 8 year old daughter being there. The good thing was that the girl really liked us, the bad (well I don't know if I can even say bad, just kind of again, awkward) thing was that she was getting really clingy with me. And they didn't seem to care or you know, get her off of me, but whatever. Oh now, I know what you're thinking - "aww, she liked you, don't be mean about it". It's true that as much as I don't feel like a "kid person" they do have a way of melting my childless, cold-ass heart. Damn kids. Making me like them and stuff.

For some reason, it seems as if I'm always the one that both dogs and children run to. They will single me out of a crowd even when I try to blend in. Don't get me wrong - I like kids. I like dogs. But sometimes I have similar problems with both.

Like, you know when people have a particularly jumpy dog they'll usually try to hold them back and keep them off of their guests? I appreciate that. Honestly, I was for the most part terrified of dogs as a kid and while I was never bitten - being growled at and jumped on or knocked over pretty much scared the shit out of me on several occasions. I suppose it didn't help that I'd shriek and pull my hands up, but hey - we never had a dog before - I didn't know what to do. Anyways, point being - not everyone is a "dog person" or will know how to keep your dog under control if it freaks out and I really don't think they should have to. I think most owners are considerate of that fact.

Same goes for children. It's kinda nice when parents restrain them from jumping on you and stuff. Most parents are considerate when visiting other people's homes that do not have kids, and note that perhaps this isn't a place to let them run around willy-nilly and out of control, even if that's what they do at home. I'm not saying the kids should have to be bored out of their minds and sit there being seen and not heard. I'm saying that when you visit someone with your kid - who these people have never met - you might want to maybe give them something to occupy themselves with and like, maybe pay attention to what they're doing so your hosts don't have to become the mean old babysitter. You know? I don't mean to sound like some old bitch. I just mean like, do you let your kids just wander into other people's bedrooms or mess with their things or with their pets? And we've had friends before who have come over with their child (and I understand that they need a break and want to visit with the adults and everything, but...) then sort of ignore them while they try to pull expensive electronics off of shelves, or beat on things, or just shrug when their kid knocks shit over that he shouldn't have been messing with, and look at you like it's your fault that your house wasn't childproof. It just seems to put us in an uncomfortable situation. But you know...

Anyways, point - if there is one - is that both my brother and his girlfriend have quite complacent or maybe just apathetic personalities. While this sometimes may seem like a good coping mechanism among chaos, it can lead to bad things, too. I'm just a bit worried about the fact that they are due to have a baby in another few months and they're kinda like "eh, whatever." They are both in their 30s and I don't feel that I'm one to give them advice. I don't expect them to change their lifestyle and I certainly can't talk as I don't have kids of my own and I haven't always made the wisest choices in my own life. I do hope for the best for them, and it was nice to have them visit - but also nice to have them go.

Oh, what's this?

Life in the backyard! We haven't even like, done anything yet yard or gardenwise (obviously, but like I said - it's just been getting tolerable here recently) but look - suddenly there's life! Stuff is growing everywhere! Flowers and - I kid you not - sightings of fluffy little bunner-buns hippity-hopping through our backyard. It's crazy - especially after having lived in apartments for 15 or more years. Yardwaste receptacles? Proper drainage? Spring leaf & brush pickup? Lawn chemicals? Holy crap, this owning a home thing is still sinking in. Yikes!

Uncharacteristically excited about the weather

Do you smell that April freshness? It's muhhfukkin spring, yo! (Yeah, that's right - just now it is. I know, it's a little late when you live up here.)

Which means:
- Temperatures occasionally above freezing!
- Allergies, complete with sneezing fits that go something like this: aauhh-chew, aauhh-chew-wee, aauhh-cha-heww! High pollen alerts!
- What do I wear???
- The office's blinds have been slightly adjusted for peepin the outdoors - ooh, hello sunny parking lot! Hi there, dilapidated house next door without window coverings, nice to see ya!
- Our (indoor) cat is meh-meh-ing to go outside - much snoofing to be done and grass to be eaten and horked up later!


- I don't know the first thing about gardening and there's flowers n' stuff growing outside - don't eat it, kitty!
- Taxes - while questionably accurate - are DONE!
- Mmmm, don't you look sexy out there grillin'!
- Commence the mating rituals! Snoo-snoo! Rumpy-pumpy! Hubba-hubba! Mrrrowwrr-mrroww!

Pulling my hair out won't help

I tend to get anxious and sometimes depressed when there's about to be a family gathering of some kind. My brother and his pregnant girlfriend and her daughter from a previous relationship will be coming to visit. They won't even be spending the night with us, so I shouldn't be worried about it. The more I sit and stew on it, the worse I'll feel. So once again, I'm venting my thoughts here in hopes that I will feel better after attempting to put my feelings into words.

I feel ashamed, because I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'll only make it worse. I used to think of myself as warm, caring and forgiving. Very forgiving - to a fault I guess you could say. But time has passed, and I've grown accustomed to my pouty, unforgiving ways. The worst is that it's towards my family - who I really should be closest and most forgiving with.

It's not a good time to bring up this old shit, but it really never will be. I really should do the civil thing and swallow my feelings and smile. But then you know, there's that whole resentment thing. And it shows, as much as I try to hide it.

There just eventually came a point in my life where I realized that I had been making excuses for my brother for so long, trying to put him in a good light, covering up the things I know he did... that it became a burden on me. But I know it's not fair to just be secretly angry because it's my problem that I haven't quite come to terms with. Actually, later in life we've become more of friends with each other. I should know he's sorry even if we can't talk about it... right? I think we tried to once, and I just couldn't deal with it, it broke my heart and felt embarrassing to hear him apologize and I just quickly smoothed it over like it never was a big deal to me. So why is this bothering me now? I mean, he's grown up and changed - sort of. What do I even want to come from this? Do I want him to feel awful all over again for things he did that made me feel awful? No, not really. Do I want to shut him out of my life the way he did with us for so many years? A little. Do I want him to be happy now that he's becoming a father? Of course I do, but I can't say the idea doesn't worry me. Do I want to grab him and shake him and tell him he's done some really stupid shit? Yeah, sometimes. But you know what? There will always be people that will feel that way towards him, and I don't think that's what I'm meant to do. I feel like I'm meant to be the voice of reason and understanding. But sometimes, I just don't feel up to it the way I used to. Like now.
This is only as big of a deal as I make it. Then again, in my little world things are always a big deal.

Toilet-trees

Alright, then. We're keepin it in the bathroom, folks. I normally am not one to participate in your meme-ery, but as you may know, I do have an interest in bathroom products. In fact, whether it's my mom or boyfriend - whoever I live with is usually subjected to an annoying amount of products lining the bathtub, along with several drawers and shelves worth of shampoo, bodywash, perfume, lotion, etc. And who can turn down a tagging from El Diablo de Verde when he asks so nicely?

1. Body soap?

I try something new all the time, but right now it's SoftSoap Pomegranate & Mango bodywash (it's sweet but not sickeningly sweet) and Dial Green Tea & Vitamin E bodywash (it's nice and fresh-smelling and not so girly, so the boyfriend can use it too).

2. Face wash?

Aveeno skin brightening scrub & Olay daily face wash for sensitive skin

3. Shampoo?

Also changes frequently, but me and the boyfriend both like L'oreal Vive for frequent use - smells fresh and citrus-y!

4. Moisturizer?

Dove for sensitive skin

5. Cologne/Perfume?

Breathe Romance by Bath & Body Works, various others depending on my mood

6. Deodorant/Anti-perspirant?

I'm not too particular, but Ban, Lady Mitchum & Lady Speed Stick are decent

7. Toothpaste?

Colgate

8. Mouthwash?

Cool Mint Listerine

9. Razor?

some kinda Schick or imitation of

10. Shaving cream?

n/a

11. Aftershave?

n/a

12. Missed anything?

- Hmm, I like this orange hair goo I have called Potion 9 by Sebastian. It smells good and helps control the frizzies. It's probably the only item among these that's over $10, because I'm cheap, bitches! If I could afford it, I'd probably buy Aveda or Bumble & Bumble goodies.
- Oh, and it'll totally throw off my day if I don't have Q-tips for my ears, especially right after showering.

13. Whose bathroom shall we raid next?
Whoever is willing, please join in and let me know! But if I must call some of you out, then so be it. Just you know, do it if you want to and let me know or whatever. No pressure.

A few ladies:
SayUnderpants
Beckalicious
Grafs

A couple fellers:
HemisphereDancer
Will

*Bonus Questions*

14. Do you prefer a bath or a shower?
Our new place has a double-sized (double-wide?) shower, which is fine with me although I did like the occasional bubble-bath.

15. Your most disliked fragrances (air-freshener or otherwise)?
As we discussed in the last post, fakey vanilla stuff (just gives me a headache) and I've never been too fond of rose-scented stuff either.

"It smells like burning"

I'm not too fond of the people at work lighting matches in the bathroom to cover their poo smell. Granted, I don't really want to smell their poo either, but it's a relatively small office and this tends to just make other people freak out because they think something is on fire. I go out in the hallway to make copies and my eyes and nose are instantly burning with the smell of flaming poo.
A new addition has also been made to the line up of bad air fresheners in the bathroom. Someone brought in one of those el-cheapo vanilla body sprays, perhaps a rejected Christmas gift? Unlike most people, I'm not a big fan of the fakey vanilla fragrances to begin with. Combined with the other smells, we might as well just have some old guy hanging out in the bathroom puffing on some vanilla pipe tobacco. Blech.


* If you liked this smelly topic, be sure to check out the similar fragrance of this one!

Unreflected

I'm just floating around aimlessly, don't mind me. I don't know what to say. I keep worrying that I say all the wrong things, or I've said stuff in a way that didn't properly reflect how I meant it. I think I scare people away. So uhh, it comes from being a hermit and I'm sorry.

It was a rotten day for talking about my health. At the doctor's office, I was painfully aware of how all the nurses & lab techs were younger/prettier/perkier/have better jobs than me. You see where I'm going with this. My self image is not at it's best during this time of my cycle to begin with. Of course the only available magazine in the waiting room was Seventeen - which normally I would just snicker at, but today felt like a reminder of how uncool and out of touch I am. Then it was time to step on the scale. Looking at those awful red digits come up was both suprising and (after rubbing eyes and looking again) terribly disconcerting. I'm really embarrassed at how much I've let myself go in the last few years, and it all seems to be catching up with me now. Left alone in the exam room I frowned at myself in the mirror, noticed how my makeup seemed so much less than flattering under the flourescent lights than it had at home, and tried rather unsuccessfully to smooth my windblown hair. The doctor was nice as usual, and nothing about it really should've made me feel bad. But I'm afraid the most likely result of this will be "Based on our tests, it turns out you're just a lazy and sad little piggy. You don't need medicine, you need a kick in the pants."

Abracadabra

Oh, farts. I'm nervous again. But that's just kinda my way, you know?

1. There could be a possible visit by my estranged brother this coming weekend. It is currently unknown if he will be bringing his pregnant girlfriend whom I have not yet met, or the two children from her previous relationship. I feel a bit uncomfortable, will possibly explain more about that later.
2. You know, I figured I should probably like get on with doing the taxes and whatnot, ya know? But I only got so far before I ran into something different than in previous years. We're both on the mortgage for our new home, and we're not married. Do we have to decide which one of us claims the shit or split the amount in half and hope the feds figure it out? Do we still get to use the EZ forms? Bleh.
   
3. I get to go to the doctor tomorrow and see if they can tell me if my thyroid has truly gone bonkers. When I went in December for a general exam, the NP mentioned on my way out that my thyroid "felt a bit enlarged" and passed me off to the lab to have blood drawn without much of an explanation. I received a card with a check next to "normal" but then why did my throat feel funny and why am I showing several warning signs of a thyroid problem, along with it running in my family? Huh?
4. My boss will return tomorrow from vacation and hopefully I didn't forget or fuck up anything beyond repair in his absence.
   

Comparing apples to oranges

The last thing I want to do is push people away, especially when I need them so badly. I wish I didn't, but I do. I've got to stop doing this shit where I compare myself and my life to others and their lives. It only makes me miserable and dissatisfied. I'll think that they do it too, that they see me as less than themselves. But, you know? Maybe they don't. It's not fair to do to myself or anyone else.
There's just a certain place I thought I'd be in by this point in my life. But you know, if I had even half the motivation of an average person - maybe I'd be there by now. If I stop and think, there are things to be desired, but my life isn't too shabby. I can't get jealous because surely everyone has had to struggle in their own way - it only looks easy from the outside.


whether you fall
means nothing at all
it's whether you get up
it's whether you get up...

Inconsequential Stuff

• Jon Stewart is a DILF. Just thought you should know - mrrowwr!
  
• I like Stephen Colbert quite a bit too.
  
• I probably should not be allowed to have those sugary imitation coffee drinks, like I did yesterday
• I've still got dangly plastic bits hanging off of my car cause I haven't gotten it fixed since the little incident.
  
• And I still haven't done our fucking taxes - shit!
  
• I've got too much butt for these jeans
• I can still smell his shaving cream from this morning's kisses - mmm.
  
• Hormone levels may have temporarily returned to normal.
  

Finally, an angry rant...

There are times that I don't want to write just light, breezy, inconsequential stuff. And I guess I don't really, I mean I don't think you could call this a necessarily "happy" or "fun" blog. But there's still always part of me that holds back. I'm not sure so much if it's fear of you or fear of myself.

There were certain things, actually a lot of things, that my mother would tell me not to tell people, or not speak up about. She did it to protect me in a way, I think, but at the time it came across to me as shame or embarrassment. All the years of self-help kind of stuff we went through to not keep our feelings bottled up, but then I was expected to go back to that. For my mom, it seemed more as what she thought was socially acceptable. You don't want anyone to feel responsible for what you've gone through, feel obligated to empathize. You don't want to be one of those people who says too much too soon. Maybe she just didn't want me to keep wearing my heart on my sleeve, there for anyone to take and use as they wished. And in a way, I understand. But in a way, I've never been that great at keeping my feelings and experiences to myself. Yes, there have been times when sharing has hurt me even more by the response I got - but there are also times that I felt like I was getting this poison out of my system and along the way, finding others who understood.

Christ, people. There are so many of us who have been abused, had rotten childhoods, fucked up relationships, etc. And while so many of us want to pass it off as being so incredibly strong, saying "So what? I got over it - you should too" - can't you see that this shit is still there inside? Can't you see that it affects all of your personal relationships, even if you don't realize it now? I'm tired of being told I'm just too sensitive. I'm tired of people laughing and turning away because they don't want to feel. I'm tired of the belief that being emotional is a character flaw. I'm tired of keeping it all inside because of what people think, or what I think they'll think.

Wow, I don't know what's gotten into me. It's like I want to fight for something, but I just don't know what. Already I feel apologetic and like I'll regret that I've revealed my weaknesses here. But right now, I guess I don't fucking care.

One thing that's really bothered me for a long time is when people take rape and incest and violence against women, or really anyone - so lightly, so jokingly. I don't consider myself that easily offended or above "off-color" kinds of humor, but I guess for me, I just don't think that shit is funny. And it amazes me how many people think it is. I can only imagine that nothing similar has ever happened to them or someone they've cared about, or it has and it's a really fucked up way of dealing with it. I can't believe that in some of these blogs I've read, no one ever fucking calls them out on it. Not even me. They can pass it off as just writing fiction or being sarcastic, but still. What's the most appalling, to me, is the women who seem to turn their backs on other women. You're a fucking woman, and you want to play off rape as something enjoyable? Do you realize how much that is just spitting in the face of someone who's actually gone through it? Do you think you're impressing all of your male chauvinist readers? Fucking christ, if I read one more blog where a woman says something along the lines of "I wanna be brutally raped - LOL" I'm gonna fucking puke.

And I know, free speech and all that. And I know, I don't have to read it. And I know, I'm probably taking this too much to heart when it may not be intended that way. But fuck if it doesn't make me a little more sickened every time that it seems everyone has become so desensitized.

Brimful of Asha

You know what? I love the smell of hot toner in the morning. Really. There's something comforting about the smell of a nice, hot, 20 page fax coming in. Mmm. So... office-y. Almost as nice as the smell of fresh laundry right out of the dryer.

So yeah, pretty much feeling better than yesterday.

Spent some time on the couch yesterday lying on my left side to try to take the pressure off of the right side of my sinuses - I think that's why I was getting dizzy. The cat curled up with me on the blanket and purred and then the boyfriend made a light, delicious dinner for us and we watched some Family Guy reruns. So really, I can't complain.

Wait a minute, I don't know what to do when I'm not complaining. No wonder I'm having a case of writer's block.

More later....

p.s. Does anyone remember the song that's the title of this post? It really gets stuck in your head. "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow..."

Lost Cause

Mmrrrmmphhh.
I went to bed feeling dizzy and nauseous. I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous. Just because I've got a nice boss doesn't mean I should go home when he gets back. I'm saying that mostly for your benefit. I'm trying to tell myself to be a good girl but given the choice it seems I never do what's right. Bleh. Tuesdays always seem to suck. Sorry, I've got nothing too good to say right now.

Dirty Barbies

In fifth grade, my friend and I felt we were perhaps a little too old to be playing Barbies. Well, that didn't exactly stop us. We weren't too old to play "dirty Barbies" after all! We just had to keep it hush-hush and make sure her little brother (tattletale) left us alone.

I don't know if you're familiar with Barbie and the Rockers? Umm, hello? They each came with a cassette tape and everything. Well, one of the members of Barbie's band was Derek, who I thought was way cooler than Ken (which I never had). He sure got a lot of action, being that there was usually about a 6/1 or more ratio of ladies to gents.

But, he was kind of a jerk about it.

I'd bring Derek over to my friend's house, where he'd be unimpressed with her Barbie's hotel. He just wanted to drive her corvette and make-out. At times, he'd request that she wore something a little sexier than her full-length gowns. He'd try running his outstretched hand through her hair, but ended up getting it caught and pulling a blond snarl out. Smooth. Then he'd clumsily try to pull her clothes off and would grin at her firm breasts, rubbing his muscular body squeakily back and forth against hers. "Sex" was pretty awkward, given Derek's pemananent briefs and Barbie's tendency to not open her legs, but you know - we managed. Afterwards, he'd use such cliched phrases as "Wow, baby - you're the best." or "Really, I'll call ya..." as he raised his arm in a stiff waving gesture, the arrogant smile still plastered on his face. One time Barbie got pissed at his quick exit and tried something to lure him back.
"You can't go. I'm pregnant."
"What? There's no way you can know that yet." (that was me being a smartass)
"Yuh-huh!" (that was my friend, being insistent)
"Nuh-uh!"
"You told me you were on the pill!" (I must've heard this somewhere before)
"Oh right. Nevermind. I'll take my pill and I won't be pregnant anymore."
"I don't think that's how it works, but fine."
Sigh.
Sigh.

We didn't feel like playing anymore after that.

I have a coupon for that

Waiting in line
at the grocery store
I'm shy, so
I'm looking down and
I can't help
just staring
at their butts
inquisitively...
Uh-oh,
you caught me

That's SO 8th grade, man

So the boss surprised me the other day by asking if I had heard of "the shocker". No no, I didn't take his hand like so and show him. I just turned slightly red and asked if that was a trick question. Really, he just learned about this last weekend, and thank God somebody already explained the gesture to him. "I didn't know - I always thought it was a gang sign!" I guess he figures if it's something silly and immature, I must know about it, and well - that's true for the most part. I'm glad all I had to do was snicker and cover my face to avoid much further discussion.

Do you speak nerdish too?

I look at my stats and I see you looked at your stats and saw me hanging out and then you came over to see what the fuss was all about. Well, it was just little old me! I don't like to keep bookmarks on one of the computers that I use and I'm just wacky so I go to your blog through my blog and clickety-clickety-click and then you think holy crappers, that's a lot of referrals from that one site, but it's all that same *%$#^*% person. Geez, that girl must be really obsessive-compulsive or just like, has a thing for me or something.

And you're right!

Old Blogging Grounds

Wow. Yeah. That was some time well spent there changing the font colors 14 times on the old template, then going through all the different pre-made templates and not liking any of them. Whew. Yeah. And for those of you who are old school, this is just the same ol template I used in the beginning. Yeah, good times and excitement.
That was dumb.
How come we always end up having the litterbox in the same room as the computer? The smell of cat poop is really stifling my creativity.



(I can't even make a proper caption for this cat... and doesn't she look like she needs one?)

They don't call them samoas anymore?

So I ordered some Girl Scout cookies. Since I didn't know when they'd arrive, I didn't happen to have the cash on me at the time when the girl's mom brought them in to work. No problem, they take checks. As I thumbed through my purse, I noticed that I had the old checkbook from an account I cancelled as well as my current checkbook. And I thought - how shitty would that be? To purposely write a check to a freakin Girl Scout when you know it would bounce? I wonder if anyone has bounced a check for Girl Scout cookies? And I started thinking - I wonder if they would deal with that at the corporate level? And then I thought, well I would hope so, what're they gonna do - make the girlscout pay? I start imagining:

(Troop leader approaches with a voided check, thrusts it in the scout's face)
"Well Jenny, do you know what insufficient funds means?"
"What? Umm, no?"
"Well it means that I'm going to have to take back that patch you earned for selling 100 boxes. Ohhh and you were so close, too..."
"But... but..."
"Nope, that's the rules. I guess you'll know better next year."

I'm not

I'm not like you
I wish I had that
something you have
that makes everyone
(including me)
fall for you so easily

Another dick in the wall

Dude. What is up with the Wall? (Ahem, you know what I mean - it rhymes with Ballgreens?) The harshly blaring lights, unmarked merchandise and zombielike staff aren't enough?

It seems like every time I go, something weird and/or mildly irritating happens. And I'm not even talking about the times that they lost or didn't have my prescription, I mean - that's just expected as part of the fun, right?

>There are the times when the lady at the pharmacy pick-up counter looks like she's gonna blow your fucking head off as she asks you if you have any questions for the pharmacist, which you politely say you don't, even if somehow you did. Or the times when you spell your last name three times and she just starts sighing loudly and rummaging through all the little alphabetized buckets, throwing prescriptions to and fro in her frenzy.

>Or the times when you're unfortunate enough to have to go down the aisle with the feminine products, which inevitably will be in the process of being stocked by multiple gawking male employees who won't just politely get out of your way. "So yeah man, huh huh she was totally wasted and passed out in the back of my car, and... OH! CAN I HELP YOU FIND ANYTHING, MAAM?" in the way that's just completely for the other guy's amusement. I shake my head and turn around, pretending to have come down the wrong aisle. I can just picture their little snickers as I walk away... "Damn dude, looked like she needed some super absorbancy, huh huh!"

>Or the time that I waited in line at the pharmacy checkout for what felt like an eternity behind this greasy guy who would not stop dancing this little jig, then annnounced when it was his turn at the counter "YES! I am picking up some OINTMENT!"

>Or the times that I run into this guy I went to school with who works there, who always tells me he dreams of someday "burning this fucking place down, I swear I'll fucking do it, I fucking hate this this place. Sorry, I gotta go hide the clearance stuff before people try to buy it."

Okay, so the last couple times I had to go for a prescription, I figured I'd use the "convenient drive-thru service" to possibly avoid the craziness. No such luck. I'm almost positive that the guy they have working the drive-thru window used to work either at an oil-change place or as a bouncer. Not that that's a bad thing, he's just kinda gruff and LOUD, considering what he does. I'd say just imagine Tom Sizemore is giving you your prescriptions, but ok - he's a couple notches below that level of intensity. Still. The first time I went, I was in the second lane which has this box on a track (not like the nifty tubes at the bank) which has written all over it DO NOT CLOSE DOOR - DOOR CLOSES AUTOMATICALLY so you know, fuck if I'm gonna be the one to close it and get yelled at by this dude. So of course, the box-thingy gets stuck as it tries to go up and into the building because the door does not close automatically and so he has to tell me "YOU GOTTA SLAM THE DOOR SHUT ON THAT THING, OKAY? LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN!" and it was just a stupid embarrassing experience. Today I go and figure I'll be in the first lane and avoid the box thingy. But still, I get the same guy and he barks at me, interrupts me when I try to answer, he's like "YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP, AND SLOWER" and then later he said something that I didn't know was a joke that needed a response because HE SAID IT LIKE HE SAYS EVERYTHING ELSE. So I halfheartedly smiled and nodded, but wasn't really looking at him and he's like "ARE YOU OKAY OUT THERE, MAAM?" and I thought, you know I guess I can just be glad he didn't look at my prescription and announce into the microphone "OH I SEE - YOU ARE NOT OKAY, ARE YOU? HA HA HA" but anyway. We complete the transaction and he says "Nice car, by the way" and I almost say "Damn, dude - don't be such a fucking dick about it" but then I realize he can only see the side that isn't (still) smashed up, so I just awkwardly grumble "thanks" and chirp out.
I gotta switch pharmacies.


note: this use of "The Wall" coined by Dane Cook, as if you didn't know.
& Look, I used the word dick for two post titles in a row!

Brokedick

I know, it's the same old thing.
Something's always wrong, something's always in need of repair.
It can be rather disconcerting, it seems that whenever I take myself or my car to get checked out, I get about the same reactions:

"Hmm, that's odd..."
"When was the last time you had this checked?"
"You really shouldn't let these things go for so long."
"Woah, you see how that's over there? That should be over here."
"Rrghh, someone really screwed this on tight last time..."

Well, okay - you get the point.
But in my halfassed defense, it's not just the procrastination, it's the not having money and the shame, too.

What happens when I sleep too long

The last two mornings, I've slept in much longer than usual, but still feel exhausted. Woke up drenched in sweat, muscles stiff, feeling like I had ground my teeth away. Angry, sad and confused. Feeling out of touch with reality, like I had a mental breakdown in my sleep. Kept getting trapped in awful dreams that normally I could wake myself out of. I feel like my story is all just predictions of an awful, inevitable future. Nothing makes sense right now.

Good Stuff

(Not exactly today's turn-ons, but just read it anyway, will ya?
Oh, and here's the turn-offs post)

And now... a few things that shed light onto my otherwise miserable existence day:

• - having an irishman at home, ready for some shamrocks & shenanigans later on! (woo! jump-up jump-up and get down!)
• - or more likely, corned beef & cabbage (that's good too!)
• - having the boss gone due to "March Madness"
• - listening to Zero 7

And the following really funny and worth checking out sites that I've been meaning to give props to for some time. I think they're pretty galldarn nifty and they crack me up, so there. Do yourself a favor and go have a looksee:

• Married To The Sea (the collaborative love-child of the two below)
  
• Natalie Dee
  
• Toothpaste For Dinner

And the following blogs I've been stalking lately that are just so damn funny and intelligent, I am rendered speechless...

Gone Feral - found through Tiny Cat Pants and was hooked. Incredibly hilarious, smart and sassy - even able to make light of things like bad doctor visits and jahooby infections.
Tiny Cat Pants - she's on vacation right now, but she never ceases to amaze and impress me with her political views (that make sense, even to me!) and humor. And I never get tired of her cooter talk.

Alright alright, that's enough ass-kissing for now.

And have a happy St. Patty's day everybody!

Today's Turn-Offs

For some reason, I tend to get grouchy on Fridays. I know, what the crap? Guess I save it up during the week. Oh, and I don't have a social life that involves the usual "it's Fri-daaay-time-to-par-taaay" thang. Anyway, here are my grievances thus far, a.k.a. turn offs:

• - tummy aches
• - bitches who cut in front of me to get their gas station crappycinos
• - 404 page errors
• - page-load status insisting on being "done" when infact it is not done, it's not done at all
  
• - empty inboxes
• - toilet odors
  
• - bad local radio
• - as in, that James Blunt "you're be-ooti-fah-hull" song. I've had enough of that. You need to cram it, fuckface.
• - or that new Destiny's Child/Beyonce/whatever the fuck you are now/ song that's just whiney shlock with an offbeat kinda rhythm, sounds like a twix commercial. Oh yeah, you have no way of telling which song of theirs that is by my description, do you?
• - stupid faxes with no cover page
• - my own lame existence

Oh, and how this bulleted list shows up without the bullets, so then I gotta use dashes. That's real nice.

Read My Cookies

Deep thoughts from a fortune cookie:

Patience makes lighter what sorrow may not heal.

Good to know.
As I impatiently cry myself to sleep...

Mmm... smells like celery

Another piece of proof that I'm freaky?
Smelling his underarms really turns me on, it must be the pheromones and what-not. I like to nuzzle my nose in there, inhale deeply, and it can lead to me vigorously dry-humping him. Some people just have a good body smell. His pits smell kinda like celery, yet celery alone doesn't make me hot. Hmmm... (???)

Welcome To My Mind

Ever feel like you're just so deep inside your own head that you can't get back to reality? That you're overthinking the countless possibilites of every situation so much that you couldn't possibly answer anyone's questions in a clear and to the point way? Ever feel like you're living your life like more of a perception of yourself than your real, deep-down self? Or that you're reacting to others based on what you think they think of you, when maybe they don't even think of you like you think they do? Do you ever feel like you're just going through the motions, because that's what you're supposed to do?
I know, don't question these things...

Sneaky Chicken

Well hello there, Mrs. Bawk-Ba-Gawk! What's up? Just sittin on a beer can, lookin tasty? Alright, carry on then...

Chicken Fingers

As I've mentioned, at my former job there were a lot of... interesting folks. One was a 60-something, sort of grizzled woman who had worked there for like 40-some years (no joke). People (including her middle-aged daughter, who also worked there) gave her shit all the time - mostly because she was in a position of authority and could be rather gruff. But since I didn't work directly with her, for the most part we got along pretty well.

For a while everyone took their lunch together at these long picnic tables. It ended up that most of the time I'd be sitting directly across from her. And she'd have to comment about whatever it was I was eating, or wasn't eating. Which, you know - I guess women just do. I didn't comment on what she ate, but I'd be almost physically ill when she brought leftover chicken. It wasn't the chicken itself, mind you. I just did not want to see her eat anything with her hands.

She had these fingernails... that (partly due to working with cleaning chemicals) were less like fingernails and more like overgrown nasty toenails. Why she insisted on keeping them long, I don't know. But they were like these yellowish-brown inhuman looking talons. It made me a bit squeemish. So, as you can imagine when she brought leftover fried chicken (or any messy food) it was really... something. The fried breading would get ALL up under her nails (and with the longass nails, that was quite a bit of breading) and if she was feeling rather expressive with her gestures as she talked, you'd better watch out for those chicken fingers. Of course, when finished she'd proceed to dig out whatever collected on the underside of those talons and eat it, or just chomp on the nail itself. Who knows what all was under there!? Dude, gross. But we'd be talking, so I couldn't really look away. I couldn't look away, I tell you! And she'd ask, as crumbs and spit flew out of her mouth and barreled towards my face "You're done eating already?" And I'd quickly, politely excuse myself to retch...

But other than that, nice lady. Really.

She's My Baby*

I just remember a little chunk of the dream I had last night. It was in an old, somewhat abandoned school. Things were fine for a while, we were all watching some presentation or something in the auditorium and then all hell broke loose. I was running with this group of people. We were all trying to escape, but at every exit we came to, someone would die trying to get out, making our herd a little smaller every time. The walls and floors were shifting and we were all being thrown about by whatever force it was outside. I thought I had found another exit, but at the top of the stairs where there was an open door, were these awful growling and barking dogs with blood and drool coming out of their mouths. Someone went ahead of us and distracted (ie: got chewed on by) the dogs so we could pass through. Then it was just me and this sweet little blond haired girl, and all I wanted was to protect her. We made it into some room that was safe, and she clung to me and whispered "I love you" and I said "I love you too and I'm gonna keep you safe." And I held onto her like I was her mother. But when the aliens/monsters came for us, it was the little girl who suddenly had this power to protect us. She'd spin herself extremely fast and knock out anyone who got close. A miniature tornado, she was. Somehow all I got was a few papercuts (I don't know why) and we made it to safety.
And I swear we were not watching Resident Evil or anything like that last night!
I do have recurring dreams where I'm taking care of or protecting a little girl and I think that could be either: the little girl is me, or it's a sign that my biological clock is ticking.


*A Mazzy Star song. I miss falling asleep to that album "So Tonight That I Might See" even though the last song would usually wake me up. Still, one of my favorites from that time. But yes, I realize this title could've perhaps been used in one of my token "lesbo fantasy posts".

Mama Said

Just a couple quick happy thoughts.

Did I mention that my "not-quite in-laws" are very sweet and funny people? No wonder they've got such a damn good son.
Anyway, thought it was worth noting that my "not-quite mother-in-law" has upgraded my nickname status! Now I hear myself referred to as "The Little" replacing the former "The Little Turd" which, really - was always an affectionate term, mind you.

Oh, and I finally got a haircut this weekend, which upgraded my hair status from "frumpy" to "milfy"! Didn't think there was a difference? Eh, well apparently a few inches shorter will do the trick. Now, I know what you're thinking but really, it was meant as a compliment... even though I'm not a mom. Best not to think about that one too much.



Since I like referencing the old archives lately (I know - how cheap, huh?), here's another post about our funny moms.

Nowhere To Hide

I thought of this again today. There was a Saturday morning a few weeks ago that J had gone into work. I was sleeping in, but startled awake by a thud thud thud on the front door. After living for years in apartments, I'm not so used to having only one door between us and the outside world. And I didn't like the sound of that knock. I froze, swallowing my heart into my stomach. I laid completely still under the covers, listening for the next round of knocks. Bracing myself in the panic-mode that comes from a rude awakening. I waited, but there were no more knocks on the door and I was relieved. Nothing worth freaking out about, but it took a good hour before the anxiety subsided. I don't like unexpected visitors and mostly everyone we know will call us before coming by. It was probably just a Girl Scout or someone else taking donations, or even a neighbor just stopping by to say hello. We don't even live in a bad neighborhood where I should be afraid, but that's sort of the point. It doesn't matter what kind of neighborhood it is. I have this awful fear of being trapped inside my own home. Not just that, but it's one of my fears.
I still have these nightmares about these things that happened so long ago, and I can't deny their presence. The flashbacks of running as fast as I could to lock all the doors in the house I grew up in. Of trying desperately to push the door closed and turn the lock while someone was pushing with all their force on the other side. Or how the moment they thought of another door they could try, I'd have to hope I could reach it before they did. Trying to fight or prevent it would make them more angry, the punishment or humiliation would be worse. I remember how the two rooms in our house that had locks built into the doorknob could easily be unlocked with a straightened wire hanger. That meant that even the bathroom wasn't safe, if I had to go I would just need to try to hold it until later. And I remember the adrenaline I'd have as I'd wedge my bed or dresser in front of my bedroom door... and wait and wait and wait for them to give up and find something else to do. It was a game, to them but not me. I truly believed that they'd kill me if I told anyone. They'd say it over and over again - we'll kill you, no one will get here in time to save you. Once I attempted to call their bluff and my father's hunting rifle was found, cocked cha-chuck and pointed in my face. They thought it was funny when I cried. My fear was fueling them. I had no faith at that time that they wouldn't do it. Of course, somehow they didn't - but that came along with "Ha haa, it wasn't even loaded, stupid crybaby." I was seemingly despised, yet necessary in these games somehow. And I had wanted so badly to be included, to be good, to be fun, to not be the brunt of their amusement. Things like that continued for way too long.
Wouldn't it be something, to go back and right the wrongs that your childhood self couldn't? To fight those fights and never be scared? I had been predisposed with the perfect mentality for it then. I felt that for years I was a magnet, I just brought out the bad side of people. And now although I feel like I've worked through most of these things, paranoia has become some sort of automatic defense mechanism - holding me back from things as simple as answering a knock on the door.

A Fine Collection of Quotes from Coworkers*

• - female coworker, coming out of bathroom "Wooohh, now don't you go in there for about 35 to 45 minutes, girl. Mmm, I tell ya - I wish I could get my money back, 'cause that sausage just went right on through me!"
  


• - full-of-herself coworker telling rest of us about her date "I thought at first he said I'm pretty, because I'm so used to hearing that all the time, but no he said I'm witty and I was like that's so cool, because I really am so witty, it's just no one notices it!


• - stupid girl that only lasted for 2 weeks, referring to 911 "Okay, so they hijacked the plane with a box-cutter? I would've been like hell naw, yall ain't taking me down with no box-cutter. I wouldn'ta been scared of that shit, pleease. Pssshhh, how dumb were those fuckin hostages?"


• - meth-head mom, showing responsibility "I'll only carry a gram of meth on me if I've got my baby in the car."


• - non-smoker towards smokers break area "Goddaamn! Who left one in the ashtray? Smells like a fuckin burnt tampon up in here!"


• - overly thrifty coworker to fellow smokers "Hey, do you smoke Basics? I got a coupon for buy one get one free, I'll sell it to ya for a dollar."


• - outspoken redneck says to only black employee at the time "You know how black people just have that smell? No, no - I'm serious! Well, I think I figured it out - it's the grease they put in their hair, right?


• - same outspoken redneck to same black coworker, being honestly ignorant "Why do all black people like watermelon and fried chicken so much?"


• - black coworker to me, about outspoken redneck coworker "That ol' heifer better watch her fatass, next time she wanna talk some ignorant bullshit to me."
  


• - gay-hating female coworker upon mention of Brokeback Mountain, in seriously disgusted voice "Whatever. Why would I want to watch a couple faggies getting all... faggy?"

* an example of some classy ladies I've worked with

Immaculate Misconception #2

When I was little, I remember hearing adults use the expression "making ends meet" quite often, but I guess I didn't quite understand it.
I knew it was just an expression, but I always thought they meant "making ends-meat" like that was a type of meat. I knew it also had to do with not having money, so I figured maybe ends-meat would be all they could manage to get from the butcher. Someone would say "Oh, that's a shame about Jim losing his job, their family was already having enough trouble making ends-meat." See? Because that's all they had to eat, and it was awful to have to make dinner out of that! And what's worse than not even having ends-meat in the first place?
I'd picture these poor souls, waiting with their cupped hands outstretched, hoping to catch the "end" pieces of meat off of the butcher's table before they were thrown away. Later at home, a frustrated mother would pound away at the gristly, unsavory pieces, trying to make ends-meat for her family. The disappointed children would say "Ughh! Ends-meat again?" and so on.
It made sense to me! But I'm so glad I didn't open my mouth about it in a social situation.

Here's the first misconceptions post, dusted off from way back in the archives.

Ocean Size

It's just teasingly sunny out, it really doesn't mean it. It's waiting to fool me into thinking it's more than 32 degrees. Still, I can look out the window and imagine. Things seem better by default in the spring, plus I'll have better clothing options. As long as I don't keep getting fatter. The only good thing about my weightgain is that my breasts feel fuller, rounder... and dare I say they beg to spill forth out of my former "room to spare" bras? I find myself absentmindedly fondling my cleavage now that I have more cleavage to speak of. It's nice and warm and soft, yet firm. Yeah, I like boobs. Anyway, point is, that's the only plus of weight gain that I'm aware of. If I was like, 3 or 4 months preggers, then hey - I'd be looking pretty damn good. But I'm not.
I had weird dreams as usual over the weekend. There was this hotel, and there were different kinds of people, different parties on every floor. I was wanted by the men and the ladies, and even a tranny lurking in the bathroom that asked me if I wanted to take a bath together. I passed on that. Then I talked some nasty slutty talk to a Secret of My Success era Michael J. Fox in the elevator, trying shamelessly to get some of his action. Only part I remember, I had hiked my skirt up while lying on the floor in front of him with my hips raised. Subtle, yes. He didn't touch me, just stared at my cooch until the elevator stopped at his floor. Awesome.
I'm also having dreams that I'm supposed to work at my old job as well as my current one, and while it's nice that I'm needed by both places - I don't really fit in or do well at either and things inevitably get all fucked up. Maybe this will replace my "being back in highschool" recurring dream. Damn stupid unsexy recurring dreams.
Enough of my blargon-jargon for now.

Mine's Not a High Horse

Hmmm.... okay, so last week was odd.

And... don't you hate it when you're all mad at someone and then they do something for you, and it makes you feel so guilty for ever being mad, yet you kinda wish they hadn't?

I had done a lot more bitching in the last post, about work and stuff, but then decided to edit that out because I kinda felt guilty talking about the boss (but in the future, if I do talk about him - let's just call him "BM" for Boss-man or something. Heh.) Now I'm not sure if I'm glad I edited it or not, cause now you might not see my complete side and how frustrated and hurt I was. But basically, it was some things that he said that just made me feel really small and worthless. It doesn't help that I'm feeling like that a lot anyway, so it was just not what I had needed or deserved to hear at the time. But, as you have to do sometimes, I was just gonna let it go and not whine about it at work.

Well, on Friday when BM returned from lunch (drinks with friends), he was all "You need to cheer up, damnit!" and he had a plan. So he sets down 2 chilled premium malt beverages on my desk and tells me to go on and drink one. Ummm, is this a test? I laugh sort of nervously. I thank him for his thoughtfulness and say that I'll wait to drink them when I get home. "Oh, c'mon" he insists, giving me that don't-be-a-wuss kind of look. "Lemme tell you what, you're gonna drink that right now..." he sits and thumbs through his wallet, then throws $5 on my desk "...and then, you're gonna go up the street to the tanner and get some of that... what the fuck, those UV rays that cheer you up. You need the sunlight." I'm caught off guard and of course my natural response is to smile but shake my head "really, that's so nice of you... but I'm okay - I don't need to go right now or anything." He shakes his head "nope. I insist. You've been so crabby and depressed lately. Finish your drink, go, and then come back and drink the other one." This is all really odd to me. I feel as if I can't be a spoilsport though, and know there's no use arguing. Although, I do mention that I'm a lightweight and maybe I shouldn't drive, after I finish my lime flavored malt beverage with a slight shudder. "After one drink? That's like a beer. You're fine. Go on, go!" he orders, waving me away.

So I went. And it's true, I probably wouldn't have talked myself into going later. Unprepared and extremely pale, I just laid in the tanning bed in my bra & panties for 7 minutes. I did have sort of a buzz at that point, which made it easier to relax. I might even consider going a few more times on my own, just to get a little color and look a bit more alive - even though I had come to accept my paleness in favor of keeping my skin healthy. It didn't do a whole lot, there's just a splash of pink between my boobs and you can see the faint outline of my bra. I mostly just liked soaking up some heat, as I am one that's always cold. But still, weird.

I went back to work and thanked him, feeling a bit awkward. I don't want to sound like a brat, because I do appreciate the little niceties from BM. I know there are lots of bosses that wouldn't give the time of day for something like that. But, I'd kind of like a different kind of nicety though, like in the way of respect?
The whole thing just kind of reminded me of the newly divorced dad syndrome that I encountered as a child. He won't say he's sorry if he's made you cry, and he doesn't want to listen to what's wrong, but he will take you miniature golfing and let you pick Lucky Charms or Fruity Pebbles at the grocery store, like your mother never would.

That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore

When you laugh about people who feel so
Very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
I wish I could laugh

But that joke isn't funny anymore
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
More than you'll ever know ...

- The Smiths


I could've had my chance to speak up. Instead I bit my tongue. Maybe there will be another chance, or maybe this will just fade into nothingness. Gotta choose my battles I suppose, and this one has an unfair advantage, not in my favor. There have been other job situations where things have gotten heated, my feelings have been hurt and I've regretted what I said in retaliation.
I have a number of issues with this situation, but I try to avoid talking about work too much here. That has a way of coming back to haunt you. In all fairness, there's been a number of niceties as well and I can't afford to lose my job. There isn't a whole lot out there right now.

And seriously, not to lash out on you because I'm down.... because I really do care about a lot of you out there. But for those who just can't stand it when I'm being serious, when I'm sad, when I'm upset... keep in mind that this is just a few pieces of me, not the entire puzzle. Things will change, my mood will change, and you can always find plenty of other stuff to read in the meantime.

How To Disappear Completely

I don't think I ever learned how to be strong. I taught myself in childish ways that have no use in the real world. But sometimes, sometimes there's only so small you can make me feel. You can only put so many words in my mouth. This smallness begins to expand til it's tearing at the seams, tearing away at me. I can be angry, I can feel violent. It doesn't make me strong that I can hold it back? I was just taught that it wasn't polite. You don't do that.
But once in a while, I have this almost tangible vision. And it's of my hand grasping the back of someone's head and the force that surprises me with how swiftly I can slam it into the wall facefirst.
But I'm not like that.
In actuality, I'd be the one slamming my own head into the wall. In actuality, I'd do something to make myself bleed before I'd hurt someone else.
In actuality, I'm the one crying and shaking once again. Acting like a child just wanting to hide, wanting to run away, but having nowhere to go and knowing the punishment would just be worse once I turned around and headed back. That's what makes me cry. This. Here. Now.

Whir

Sometimes you gotta just laugh at things. Sometimes I don't take everything (including myself) so stinkin seriously.
So, after work yesterday I was gonna get a car wash since my car's all salty, as well as still a little crunched from that incident that we shall not speak of. And I'm thinking about how silly it is that I don't get car washes more often, so like now it's a big deal or something. I even debated on whether I thought it was a good idea, if loose parts from that incident would come off, but alas it's a "touch-free" carwash. Whatever. Anyway, I already paid for it along with the gas before I went around the corner and realized I was 5th in line. Eh, whatever - I'll wait, I'm here. But things seemed to take forever especially considering that it's one of those automated car washes. In actuality I probably waited 20-25 minutes to get into the damn thing. I get up there, punch in my code and pull in. As I drove in, the lights were flashing "go" and then they stopped flashing when I got to the point where you know, you stop. Typical. The garage door in front of me closes. It usually does in the winter. Typical. I wonder after about 30 seconds why the damn thing hasn't started it's spraying already. I think I've just pulled up crooked or something. I pull up and straighten a little. Nothing. Usually it makes a noise when you're supposed to stop or have gone too far, but it didn't. The garage door behind me slams shut. Heh. Still nothing from the machine, other than a muted whirring sound like it's shutting down. Ohhkay. I look and the column that normally lights up with what part of the cycle you're in is just blinking "0". Umm, what the fuck? I back up and pull forward again, nothing. I begin to fear that I will be trapped in this carwash, that the system has gone haywire and the columns that move vertically will start moving horizontally, and a robot voice will keep ominously repeating "Default setting: crush, kill, destroy!"* I think about getting out of the car but have a feeling I'd be setting myself up for a sitcom-like situation where as soon as I step out, I'm slammed from both sides with blasts of hot soapy water. I'm not getting out. I half turn around and look through the back window at the truck waiting behind me on the other side of the door. He must see that somethings wrong, right? Or maybe he was a jerk and pressed some buttons while I was in here that fucked it all up? Well then in front of me, a little side door opens and an attendant yells "It hasn't run at all?" and then I think he probably saw me on camera backing up and pulling forward and thought what the fuck is this woman doing? He tells me to hold on and I wait in there a few more minutes. He comes back and gives me a ticket for another car wash and says sorry - he doesn't know what's wrong but it'll take some time to reboot the machine. I was just glad to get the hell out of there! Whew!
I got upgraded from a "good" wash to a "better" wash, though not "best." Yeah, that was so worth a half hour.


* love that Simpsons line!

citizen's arrest?

NervousGirl does not handle downtown situations well. Er, I don't mean my "downtown situation" - like a euphemism or something, I mean the city's downtown area, of which our office is adjacent to. I've worked closeby here before and have had a number of odd (and awful) situations come up, but seeing as how practically no one off the street comes in here, I'm a little rusty in my skills. So this dude walks in and is asking what kinda business this is, I'm not sure exactly what he's looking for, but from what he says and seeing as how most everyone who comes in is not looking for our office, I point him in the direction of the office kitty-corner to us. I wait a minute and I don't hear anything, and I didn't see him leave. So I step into the hallway and see that dude is in my boss's office (in the opposite direction), which is open and the boss is not in. He sees me and stutters "uhh uhh, this isn't uh the office you said to go to, is it?" Yeah, fucking right it's not. So I ask rather snippily what exactly does he need and direct him to the other office, who it turns out can't help him with what he asked. He was polite and everything, but I can't help feel like once again I've been duped. I could just be paranoid. It's awful to have to be a bitch and so suspicious with everyone, but you just can't trust people around here. He sure started sweating after I saw him in the hallway. I don't know if my boss's desk drawer had already been open or not, but it is now. He always has this nice silver pen that he uses that now I don't see. So when he gets back, I'll have to tell him that I unknowingly let someone wander around who may or may not have stolen something. What was I supposed to do - demand that he empty his pockets? Citizen's arrest? Then it would sound like I was just being racist, maybe he was just confused. This shit always happens to me. I'm an office assistant, folks - not a fucking security guard. I feel awful. Fuckin Fuck Fuck Shit.


Update 2/22: Boss' expensive pen is not missing. BUT apparently, last night after I left and the lady in the other office was alone - the same dude came back and brought a friend. What the fuck were they here for? She startled them as they were digging through the candy dish out front and told them to get out. No, don't feel bad like they needed to eat or some shit, they just wanted to steal whatever they could get their hands on. I don't like this. I'm not intimidating enough, even though I can unleash the crazy, but who knows what they'd have done if it was me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so small town that this is the first time anything like this has happened. It just still pisses me off and/or freaks me out. Rrrghhh.

cat fud

Here's our snuggly little cat who has decided that the gelatinous "gravy" is the best (and all that's worth eating) part of her Friskies. And the stinkier the better.

Hello Nasty

Well... fuddruckers! I like to use that as an expression but have never had the pleasure of enjoying the above-noted restaurant. We finally checked out the Red Robin though - had never been to one before. Mmmm, so many kinds of burgers, unlimited steak fries, good stuff. According to the waitress, everything was really good but she let us know her feelings were influenced by her being sooo hungry and not having a chance to eat. How does that make you feel? I could see my mom and I were both thinking "Oh, don't worry about us honey, you go get something to eat, we'll wait" but instead we just kinda went "aww" and felt awkward. I love how employees lower their voice and get the shifty eyes, looking out for their manager and tell you about their shitty working conditions or how honestly, "I wouldn't order that. I guess some people like it, but..." and make you feel like you're in on their secret. Then when they slip you the bill, scrawled in quick sloppy penmanship on the back it says "Cant leave! 18 hrs w/no break! Pls help me! Thnx!" Alright just kidding. It was worth checking out again. Yes, I realize I was just talking about getting healthy and whatnot but the occasional greasy dinner out can still be expected, come on now.
Speaking of fast food & restaurants, we're sort of lacking around here. Well, I mean it seems like there are tons of places to eat in this area, just not many that we've found that are all that good. But then again, we're sorta picky and frugal. And ya know, there are a lot of chain restaurants that I'm surprised we don't have. There's no shortage of chain restaurants, but I always hear about these other places that we don't have, like Fuddruckers, Boston Market, White Castle, Sonic, Jack in the Box, Hardees, Checkers, etc. I'm sure there are lots more places that everyone loves that I don't even know about, but I want to know what I'm missing! Give the fatty more choices of fattery! Maybe you all who live in different areas can indulge me with how awesome or disgusting they are.
Hmm, I hadn't intended on this whole post being about food!

" "

I know, I'm Quotey-McQuotes-A-Lot lately, but I just had to share this poem that crossed my mind the other day...

I feel horrible. She doesn't
love me and I wander around
like a sewing machine
that's just finished sewing
a turd to a garbage can lid.

-Richard Brautigan

He really knows how to say it, eh?

Everything In It's Right Place

My problem is that I don't know how to completely, effectively express what I'm thinking. This, by all means should be a simple human task, though it's not. In conversation it's worse, but I see it in my writing too. I forget that you don't know my history and can't hear my internal monologue. So listening to me or reading my words is kind of like observing one side of a phone call. You can almost piece together the story, but so much is left to be explained. Without the explanation it sounds half assed and/or retarded. Eventually, it gets boring and irritating trying to make sense of it.
That's odd. I'm trying to explain how I can't explain things. Trying to write about not being able to write. So here I am. I need to clean out, repair and re-organize my head.

Billy Jack Bitch

I told you, Prince is cool. You gotta give him his props. I was gonna say something about him having good taste, but I bet someone would have to call me out on the whole assless pants incident.

From MSNBC:

By Jeannette Walls
MSNBC
Updated: 2:45 a.m. ET Feb. 16, 2006

Paris Hilton may think Prince is hot — but looks like he thinks she’s not.

The partying heiress toasted the “Purple Rain” singer in a London club this week — only to have him sneak out the back. Hilton was reportedly drinking the powerful liquor absinthe at the club Kaberet Prophecy when she got into the DJ box and announced to the crowd, “I'm celebrating my birthday and Prince is in the house, so I want to play his new single because he's hot,” according to London's Sun newspaper.

The artist, hiding under a hood, quickly headed for the exit, but Hilton danced on the table tops until 3:30 a.m.

Running On Empty

I don't think I'll have much time to write today. I wish I did. I wish I could just wallow in my own mind, shut off the outside world, try to make sense of things, write about what I'm feeling. I need that. I need a mental health day... week, month, year. I wish I could go home. I need a space where I am free to write without looking over my shoulder. And I feel so obsessive-compulsive lately, I'll get an idea in my head and waste most of my day distracting myself with it. Before I know it, the hours have passed and I have no reasonable explanation for why I haven't gotten more real work accomplished. I'll have good intentions but they ultimately lead to nowhere. Ugh, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is "Gradually and then suddenly." When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too."

- Elizabeth Wurtzel

Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?

Happy Valentine's Day!
I wish I could create something beautiful and thoughtful to express how I feel. Everything seems so cliche and is too much or not enough. Hmm, so many thoughts just swimming around in my silly lil' head, trying to find a way out. Maybe it's not so much that we have to have this one day to express how we feel, it's in the little day to day things when you've been together this long...
It's those knowing looks we share when we're about to say the same thing.
It's the way my favorite shows seem funnier when he's there watching them with me.
It's those lazy weekend mornings when he makes us a huge, greasy, yummy breakfast.
It's the little jokes that only the two of us would think are funny.
It's his way of cheering me up time and time again.
It's the way he listens and understands.
It's the way he can find my OCD more humorous than disturbing. (uhh... right, honey?)
It's the way we can just be ourselves together.
It's singing "Endless Love" "I've Had the Time of My Life" "Always" and other sappy duets together for our own amusement with Karaoke Revolution Party.

It's... a lot more things that make me feel special and happy that we're together. Like I said, I can't quite express it how I want to. I feel myself slipping into the cliche, corny, sickeningly sweet realm, so maybe some things are best saved for later.

I hope you all have a great day and spread the love and all that good stuff...
xoxoxo

Bad Dream

Had some crazy dreams last night. Do you feel pain in your dreams? Because sometimes I swear I do. I had gone with some people I didn't know to someone's house that I didn't know. The details are vague. I was wearing a dress. These people had two dogs that were sniffing me. The bigger dog got up under my dress and growled and bit into my ass. I was screaming. I reached back and was trying to pull his extremely strong jaws apart, it wasn't working. I could feel it, I swear. No one could help me. It sucked. When I woke up and told J about this, he said that although that does sound like something he would do, he was not biting my ass while I was asleep.

Any Way You Want It

Hey, I didn't forget about the poll results. You people are so damn nice to me when I shamelessly ask for validation. Thanks for being participators and not "haters." Really, it was more about finding out what things you like seeing here rather than me wanting to change the blog. But I really appreciate the "I'm Ok, You're Ok" kind of responses and will be keeping this blog as a virtual smorgasbord of posts so there's a little somethin for everyone, eh?
So... the most votes so far were for "more pictures" just as much as "I dunno... surprise me." So, uhhh great. I didn't think you were all gonna call my bluff like that! Guess I need to work on getting together some decent pictures. Will I have to make another poll to find out what kind of pictures you want to see? I've taken lots of bad pics of myself, and there's only so much of my big nose and goofy looks that I can handle having up on this here bloggy thang. We'll see what I can come up with.
Anyways, the sun is shining even though it's cold, this blog has almost reached 10,000 hits, and I even got a surprise bag of pretzels from my boss! Not a bad little afternoon. I'm pretty happy. Although not quite as happy as this lady.

I Can't Tell You Why

Hmmm, rejection. Lovely topic with V-day coming up, eh? Let's go back.
There was this guy that I had a... thing with for a little while. It seemed like some good times, but when I look back I wonder if it was only me that had a good time. I thought he was beautiful, and he thought his best friend's girlfriend was beautiful. Only I didn't know it at the time, when I was staying there. We smoked a lot of good dope together and listened to K's Choice, Sublime and The Verve Pipe. I don't remember a whole lot else. There was a time though, that I was riding in the passenger's seat of his car that I got the feeling he wasn't liking me too much anymore. Because I leaned forward to pick something up, and he slammed on the brakes... for no reason other than for me to hit my head on the glovebox. He wasn't the type that was just being funny either. That didn't bode well, but I didn't say anything. Thanksgiving was around that time and I reluctantly went with my mom up north for the weekend. Most of the weekend consisted of me being all giddy with my cousin, telling her how I met this great guy who was so cute and all that.

When I came back, all emotion on his part was gone. He was firm, yet vague about it being over. I gathered up the things I had left there and at the time felt very heartbroken (although I know it seems silly with the short amount of time we were together) at the whole "Hey, so good to see ya!" "Hey, go away" kind of reunion we had. In a lame attempt to win him back or something, I tried to make a move. I don't know, out of desperation I suppose? I remember leaning over him, he was sitting propped up in bed and I tried to kiss him. Bad idea. His hand came up and his fingertips created a shield between my face and his as he gently but firmly pushed me backwards by my face with disgust. Let me tell you, that'll take you down a couple notches. I probably deserved it, especially by karmic standards, but it still hurt (emotionally).

It sucks enough being rejected by someone you built up in your mind but didn't get a chance to know that well. But it also really sucks to be rejected by someone that once looked at you like you were special and then their demeanor changes to one of repulsion. It's hard to believe that that was probably like 8 years ago. Don't worry, I won't spend too much time regurgitating the past here. Still a little "ouch" lingers on, though. And I'm still mad that I never got my Prince hits 3 CD set back because he loaned it to his best friend's girlfriend without my permission! Ah, well - you win some (like my sweetie now), you lose some. Or something.

Uptown

Hey! We did something this weekend! Yeah, out of the house even! Two of our friends and a "not so much a friend as an acquaintance by association, who would be alright if he didn't feel inclined to be a jerk most of the time" were celebrating birthdays. We ended up going to one of the nicer bars downtown. Now some people love the "downtown" because they enjoy the delicate mix of hoity toity too-good-for-you fancy with rundown decrepit and poverty stricken areas. But hey, that's what most "downtown" areas are like, right? Well, it's not all bad really. I can see how some of it has it's charm. I suppose we're getting more and more snooty in our own little way by being in the suburbs now. Although compared to a lot of suburbanites, we probably seem like riffraff. It just depends if you want to be a big fish in a small pond or whatever, I guess. Anyway. All I know is, downtown driving and parking sucks so we kind of avoid it. Plus we both hung out there enough in our coffee shop days.
Anyways, that was quite a build up for not much of a story. The big thing is, NervousGirl got a very enjoyable buzz from a Long Island Iced Tea! Oh wow, I know - one whole drink! But as I've discussed before, I'm not much of a drinker. I would like to be, but it usually doesn't turn out so well. So anyways, it was a very good time and probably less than halfway through my drink I stopped being so self-conscious and actually laughed and talked to people. The only hard part was the not smoking. Ughhh. I wanted to SO BAD... it seemed like everyone else was. But when I smoked it seemed like I was a loner. Wouldn't you know it, smoking is cool, just apparently when I'm not doing it. Damn.

Already There

It was a pretty darn good weekend, we'll get to that soon.

But today. Today is not so good. Not feeling too great about today. I'm feeling pukey, crampy and extemely sensitive. My emotions are easily amplified. I'll have to watch it. I've already proven myself to be unprofessional in the past. Don't ever let them see you cry. Well, it's too late for that.
How come there are these certain types of women, that no matter what a piece of shit employee they are, manage to get the respect of everyone? Nobody would talk to them the way they talk to me and I gotta think it's because they sense my weakness but do not sense the wool being pulled over their eyes by these bitches. I can't play the role of someone else very well, and I have tried. How come it's okay for some women to talk and act in a way that to me seems extremely bitchy, yet it's just accepted like some little quirk? Then for me, if I do something similar, it's not alright, it's not funny, it's not who they want me to be. Because they have an image of what I am and they will tell me who I am. I'm the one who needs everyone else's advice. I'm the one that's so weird. I'm the one that is so quiet. I'm the one who is such a doormat. I'm the one who's too sensitive. I'm the one who listens to problems and actually cares about them, but can't keep anyone's attention when it comes to my own. I'm the one that needs to keep her chin up. It feels like when I try to change that there are always people there shaking their heads. Nope, sorry - it's too late, we've already classified you and we cannot remove you from this particular category. I've gotta stop telling people I work with anything about my outside life. Create a fake life just to tell them about. Or work at a large company where I can just blend in or go by unnoticed. I don't know what this is all about. I'm not explaining this very well. I guess I just think that since just about every job I've had I've started off liking, caring about what I do there, wanting to make things better. And every time that wears off and I seem to be filled with dread at the idea of it and when I leave I never want to look back. I gotta think that despite some of the shitty jobs I've had, the problem is with me. It's all a part of a bigger problem with me. I can't say I'm all negative. I certainly look for the good in people, even in people that I should know don't really have it. But with my life it's so hard to look at it with the same optimism, all I see is what's negative, what isn't there, what I did wrong, what I don't have, and what I won't have.
I didn't mean for it to all come out like this. What a way to start the week. I'll write something else soon but I had to get this out.

Home

I'm gonna keep the poll below going, thanks to those who've voted so far!
Today is just kind of gray. I feel like I could go off into a thing about sadness and loneliness, blah blah blah, but really I think I'm just too tired. Maybe if I got more sleep on a regular basis I'd feel a little better, ya know? Yes, what a novel idea. I'm just so very tired. It's drafty in here as usual and I just wish I could be at home, curling up with a blankey and my cat in front of the TV.
I love the mid-morning quiet when I'm at home. I love being there to see the way the sunlight filters in to the bedroom. I love the sound it makes when the furnace is firing up, like a mini jet engine. I love the steady hum of clothes tumbling in the dryer. I love just having a dryer. I love folding and putting away fresh warm laundry. I love laying in bed on my stomach with no need to get up. I love rolling over and changing positions to an even more comfy postition. I love having a pantry full of lots of soup and snacks. I love having all of our favorite TV shows recorded and waiting on the DVR box. I love being there when he comes home for lunch. I love just being there.
I better stop now before I get my mind too set on going home, 'cause there's work to be done around here. But I'm so very sleepy.

How Do U Want It?

Oh geez, a poll! What have we come to here? Well, I'd like some feedback and thought this would be an easy enough, anonymous way for you to let me know whatcha think, ya dig? I suppose if there's an option you'd like to choose that isn't listed here, then you might wanna leave it in a comment or email. Thanks to those who participate!

What would you like to see more of on Nervous Thoughts?

More pictures More lighthearted posts, less about your problems More angry rants More true stories of dating experiences More sex-related posts More sex-related posts (but only if they are hetero-oriented) More fantasy/fiction type of stuff More about inebriation I dunno... surprise me

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