Monday, February 06, 2006

Already There

It was a pretty darn good weekend, we'll get to that soon.

But today. Today is not so good. Not feeling too great about today. I'm feeling pukey, crampy and extemely sensitive. My emotions are easily amplified. I'll have to watch it. I've already proven myself to be unprofessional in the past. Don't ever let them see you cry. Well, it's too late for that.
How come there are these certain types of women, that no matter what a piece of shit employee they are, manage to get the respect of everyone? Nobody would talk to them the way they talk to me and I gotta think it's because they sense my weakness but do not sense the wool being pulled over their eyes by these bitches. I can't play the role of someone else very well, and I have tried. How come it's okay for some women to talk and act in a way that to me seems extremely bitchy, yet it's just accepted like some little quirk? Then for me, if I do something similar, it's not alright, it's not funny, it's not who they want me to be. Because they have an image of what I am and they will tell me who I am. I'm the one who needs everyone else's advice. I'm the one that's so weird. I'm the one that is so quiet. I'm the one who is such a doormat. I'm the one who's too sensitive. I'm the one who listens to problems and actually cares about them, but can't keep anyone's attention when it comes to my own. I'm the one that needs to keep her chin up. It feels like when I try to change that there are always people there shaking their heads. Nope, sorry - it's too late, we've already classified you and we cannot remove you from this particular category. I've gotta stop telling people I work with anything about my outside life. Create a fake life just to tell them about. Or work at a large company where I can just blend in or go by unnoticed. I don't know what this is all about. I'm not explaining this very well. I guess I just think that since just about every job I've had I've started off liking, caring about what I do there, wanting to make things better. And every time that wears off and I seem to be filled with dread at the idea of it and when I leave I never want to look back. I gotta think that despite some of the shitty jobs I've had, the problem is with me. It's all a part of a bigger problem with me. I can't say I'm all negative. I certainly look for the good in people, even in people that I should know don't really have it. But with my life it's so hard to look at it with the same optimism, all I see is what's negative, what isn't there, what I did wrong, what I don't have, and what I won't have.
I didn't mean for it to all come out like this. What a way to start the week. I'll write something else soon but I had to get this out.

2 comments:

Ruth said...

You got one thing EXTREMELY right... "I've gotta stop telling people I work with anything about my outside life". All that does is open up your vulnerabilities... and besides... is that what you are really there for? No. So...if you are changing, as you say... keep it to yourself.. as if it's Your Little Secret. Smile, knowing you know something that they don't. One of my sayings that used to pull me thru... is "Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to".. .and it WORKS!
Try it...

Ver. 2.8 said...

ahh the post is back