Wednesday, February 22, 2006

How To Disappear Completely

I don't think I ever learned how to be strong. I taught myself in childish ways that have no use in the real world. But sometimes, sometimes there's only so small you can make me feel. You can only put so many words in my mouth. This smallness begins to expand til it's tearing at the seams, tearing away at me. I can be angry, I can feel violent. It doesn't make me strong that I can hold it back? I was just taught that it wasn't polite. You don't do that.
But once in a while, I have this almost tangible vision. And it's of my hand grasping the back of someone's head and the force that surprises me with how swiftly I can slam it into the wall facefirst.
But I'm not like that.
In actuality, I'd be the one slamming my own head into the wall. In actuality, I'd do something to make myself bleed before I'd hurt someone else.
In actuality, I'm the one crying and shaking once again. Acting like a child just wanting to hide, wanting to run away, but having nowhere to go and knowing the punishment would just be worse once I turned around and headed back. That's what makes me cry. This. Here. Now.


Ver. 2.8 said...

never buy a gun :p

Dave said...

And quit holding back too much. A moderate amount of restraint is good. But too much we are taught to be "nice" and not take up for ourselves. Fuck That. Period. Fuck that. When I have a kid, he will get in trouble for being a bully, but not for standing up for himself or his friends.

megan said...

Man, if there was a way to modify that politeness programming...
Somehow, I think I have overcome it when dealing with the people I love. Over the years, it has become painfully obvious that nobody really benefits from festering, unspoken frustration in a relationship that matters. But the peripheral people in my life (co-workers, incidental aquaintances) can frustrate me far more and never hear a word about it from me. I hate that about myself. It's exhausting and it feels so phony. (Not to mention unjust. Shouldn't those people closest to me, get my kindest, gentlest, most tolerant self?)
Those dreams of yours are just a way of getting it out. Allowing those seams to stretch a little without anybody really getting hurt. Because isn't it a bitch that if instead of smashing their dream heads into dream walls, if you actually screamed and ranted and raved at them. Real you. Real them. All you'd probably get is a heaping helping of guilt and remorse?
Because, afterall, that's just not polite.

Nervous Girl said...

dave - I know, I gotta find that balance where I can have some restraint, yet still be able to express anger or other "not nice" emotions.

megan - Wow. yes. exactly. :)