Dirty Barbies

In fifth grade, my friend and I felt we were perhaps a little too old to be playing Barbies. Well, that didn't exactly stop us. We weren't too old to play "dirty Barbies" after all! We just had to keep it hush-hush and make sure her little brother (tattletale) left us alone.

I don't know if you're familiar with Barbie and the Rockers? Umm, hello? They each came with a cassette tape and everything. Well, one of the members of Barbie's band was Derek, who I thought was way cooler than Ken (which I never had). He sure got a lot of action, being that there was usually about a 6/1 or more ratio of ladies to gents.

But, he was kind of a jerk about it.

I'd bring Derek over to my friend's house, where he'd be unimpressed with her Barbie's hotel. He just wanted to drive her corvette and make-out. At times, he'd request that she wore something a little sexier than her full-length gowns. He'd try running his outstretched hand through her hair, but ended up getting it caught and pulling a blond snarl out. Smooth. Then he'd clumsily try to pull her clothes off and would grin at her firm breasts, rubbing his muscular body squeakily back and forth against hers. "Sex" was pretty awkward, given Derek's pemananent briefs and Barbie's tendency to not open her legs, but you know - we managed. Afterwards, he'd use such cliched phrases as "Wow, baby - you're the best." or "Really, I'll call ya..." as he raised his arm in a stiff waving gesture, the arrogant smile still plastered on his face. One time Barbie got pissed at his quick exit and tried something to lure him back.
"You can't go. I'm pregnant."
"What? There's no way you can know that yet." (that was me being a smartass)
"Yuh-huh!" (that was my friend, being insistent)
"Nuh-uh!"
"You told me you were on the pill!" (I must've heard this somewhere before)
"Oh right. Nevermind. I'll take my pill and I won't be pregnant anymore."
"I don't think that's how it works, but fine."
Sigh.
Sigh.

We didn't feel like playing anymore after that.