Thursday, March 30, 2006

Finally, an angry rant...

There are times that I don't want to write just light, breezy, inconsequential stuff. And I guess I don't really, I mean I don't think you could call this a necessarily "happy" or "fun" blog. But there's still always part of me that holds back. I'm not sure so much if it's fear of you or fear of myself.

There were certain things, actually a lot of things, that my mother would tell me not to tell people, or not speak up about. She did it to protect me in a way, I think, but at the time it came across to me as shame or embarrassment. All the years of self-help kind of stuff we went through to not keep our feelings bottled up, but then I was expected to go back to that. For my mom, it seemed more as what she thought was socially acceptable. You don't want anyone to feel responsible for what you've gone through, feel obligated to empathize. You don't want to be one of those people who says too much too soon. Maybe she just didn't want me to keep wearing my heart on my sleeve, there for anyone to take and use as they wished. And in a way, I understand. But in a way, I've never been that great at keeping my feelings and experiences to myself. Yes, there have been times when sharing has hurt me even more by the response I got - but there are also times that I felt like I was getting this poison out of my system and along the way, finding others who understood.

Christ, people. There are so many of us who have been abused, had rotten childhoods, fucked up relationships, etc. And while so many of us want to pass it off as being so incredibly strong, saying "So what? I got over it - you should too" - can't you see that this shit is still there inside? Can't you see that it affects all of your personal relationships, even if you don't realize it now? I'm tired of being told I'm just too sensitive. I'm tired of people laughing and turning away because they don't want to feel. I'm tired of the belief that being emotional is a character flaw. I'm tired of keeping it all inside because of what people think, or what I think they'll think.

Wow, I don't know what's gotten into me. It's like I want to fight for something, but I just don't know what. Already I feel apologetic and like I'll regret that I've revealed my weaknesses here. But right now, I guess I don't fucking care.

One thing that's really bothered me for a long time is when people take rape and incest and violence against women, or really anyone - so lightly, so jokingly. I don't consider myself that easily offended or above "off-color" kinds of humor, but I guess for me, I just don't think that shit is funny. And it amazes me how many people think it is. I can only imagine that nothing similar has ever happened to them or someone they've cared about, or it has and it's a really fucked up way of dealing with it. I can't believe that in some of these blogs I've read, no one ever fucking calls them out on it. Not even me. They can pass it off as just writing fiction or being sarcastic, but still. What's the most appalling, to me, is the women who seem to turn their backs on other women. You're a fucking woman, and you want to play off rape as something enjoyable? Do you realize how much that is just spitting in the face of someone who's actually gone through it? Do you think you're impressing all of your male chauvinist readers? Fucking christ, if I read one more blog where a woman says something along the lines of "I wanna be brutally raped - LOL" I'm gonna fucking puke.

And I know, free speech and all that. And I know, I don't have to read it. And I know, I'm probably taking this too much to heart when it may not be intended that way. But fuck if it doesn't make me a little more sickened every time that it seems everyone has become so desensitized.

9 comments:

Beth said...

YES! Beautifully put.

Blush said...

i like it when youre angry :)

el diablo de verde said...

best post evar. i like it when you "don't fucking care". mrrrowwrr.

just curious, but where is this coming from? just wanna know if there's a particular context. don't need it, though.

Grafs said...

I think people brush off rape because of the fantasies and shit, but I promise you that nobody really wants to be raped. They have a right to say it, but you have a right to rant about it :) Nicely put.

Nervous Girl said...

And you know, I'm not trying to be small-minded against what might actually be a fantasy to someone. I think that when some women say they fantasize about rape, my guess is it's more of a thing where they are separating themselves from the act because they were brought up to feel that sex is shameful or wrong - as in, by saying rape they moreso mean they didn't cause it to happen, it wasn't their choice or idea, therefore don't have to feel ashamed for "wanting" it. (I may be totally wrong, I'm obviously not a psychologist.) I don't mean that if someone is into BDSM play that they mean to promote abuse and rape in real life.
It's more that I'm given the feeling that a lot of women (some that I've known and have heard their opinions) have the idea that rape is all about "oh, you know how the men get horny and can't help themselves, and she was wearing a short skirt, and if it was so bad she would've fought harder" and pass it off like it's just part of nature and that most likely the woman brought it upon herself. Or that a woman who talks about her experience with rape, abuse, incest, etc. is one to be laughed at. That's the attitude that I don't like.

Sorry to be a party pooper, everybody. I do appreciate that you're reading and responding.

Blush said...

well youre right! id rather be murdered than raped any day. its more than irresponsible to society and to themselves when someone, male or female, glorifies such acts. the only thing we can do is be better than they, and rant when we cant take it anymore...

love ya girl

Feral Mom said...

You've given me a lot to think about. I tend to push the envelope with my posts, sometimes as a critique (the St. Paddy's Day post was all about making fun of the "Fuck Me I'm Irish" sentiment) and sometimes, I'll admit, just to push the boundaries of good taste. It's ALWAYS about making fun of myself, however, at least that's my intent, and I honestly hadn't thought about the effect my language might have on survivors--with whom, I should say, I am in total feminist solidarity. I also find the notion that anyone asks for rape appalling. Anyway, I'm not even sure if my blog is one of the ones you're ranting about, but I'll think about what you said, and thanks for this post.

Nervous Girl said...

Oh, Feral Mom!
Don't you know I admire you and your humor? No no, I definitely wasn't trying to publicly shame you - of all people - and I feel bad that you thought that! Really - it's no one that would regularly come here, I just look around at a lot of blogs and these were a few instances I've noticed over time. I guess it's kind of a bad idea for me to make references to things people have written but then not saying who or where it was. Don't think that I'm secretly hating any of you!
Now c'mere and gimme a hug!

Feral Mom said...

My husband always tells me that I'm warped in a way that will speak to some, and horrify everyone else! And I'm pretty sure the leprechaun anti-defamation league will be on my case at some point...so perhaps I just have a guilty conscience. ;) In any case, *really glad* you don't secretly hate me! And big hug, back atcha.