Hello Nasty

Well... fuddruckers! I like to use that as an expression but have never had the pleasure of enjoying the above-noted restaurant. We finally checked out the Red Robin though - had never been to one before. Mmmm, so many kinds of burgers, unlimited steak fries, good stuff. According to the waitress, everything was really good but she let us know her feelings were influenced by her being sooo hungry and not having a chance to eat. How does that make you feel? I could see my mom and I were both thinking "Oh, don't worry about us honey, you go get something to eat, we'll wait" but instead we just kinda went "aww" and felt awkward. I love how employees lower their voice and get the shifty eyes, looking out for their manager and tell you about their shitty working conditions or how honestly, "I wouldn't order that. I guess some people like it, but..." and make you feel like you're in on their secret. Then when they slip you the bill, scrawled in quick sloppy penmanship on the back it says "Cant leave! 18 hrs w/no break! Pls help me! Thnx!" Alright just kidding. It was worth checking out again. Yes, I realize I was just talking about getting healthy and whatnot but the occasional greasy dinner out can still be expected, come on now.
Speaking of fast food & restaurants, we're sort of lacking around here. Well, I mean it seems like there are tons of places to eat in this area, just not many that we've found that are all that good. But then again, we're sorta picky and frugal. And ya know, there are a lot of chain restaurants that I'm surprised we don't have. There's no shortage of chain restaurants, but I always hear about these other places that we don't have, like Fuddruckers, Boston Market, White Castle, Sonic, Jack in the Box, Hardees, Checkers, etc. I'm sure there are lots more places that everyone loves that I don't even know about, but I want to know what I'm missing! Give the fatty more choices of fattery! Maybe you all who live in different areas can indulge me with how awesome or disgusting they are.
Hmm, I hadn't intended on this whole post being about food!

" "

I know, I'm Quotey-McQuotes-A-Lot lately, but I just had to share this poem that crossed my mind the other day...

I feel horrible. She doesn't
love me and I wander around
like a sewing machine
that's just finished sewing
a turd to a garbage can lid.

-Richard Brautigan

He really knows how to say it, eh?

Everything In It's Right Place

My problem is that I don't know how to completely, effectively express what I'm thinking. This, by all means should be a simple human task, though it's not. In conversation it's worse, but I see it in my writing too. I forget that you don't know my history and can't hear my internal monologue. So listening to me or reading my words is kind of like observing one side of a phone call. You can almost piece together the story, but so much is left to be explained. Without the explanation it sounds half assed and/or retarded. Eventually, it gets boring and irritating trying to make sense of it.
That's odd. I'm trying to explain how I can't explain things. Trying to write about not being able to write. So here I am. I need to clean out, repair and re-organize my head.

Billy Jack Bitch

I told you, Prince is cool. You gotta give him his props. I was gonna say something about him having good taste, but I bet someone would have to call me out on the whole assless pants incident.

From MSNBC:

By Jeannette Walls
MSNBC
Updated: 2:45 a.m. ET Feb. 16, 2006

Paris Hilton may think Prince is hot — but looks like he thinks she’s not.

The partying heiress toasted the “Purple Rain” singer in a London club this week — only to have him sneak out the back. Hilton was reportedly drinking the powerful liquor absinthe at the club Kaberet Prophecy when she got into the DJ box and announced to the crowd, “I'm celebrating my birthday and Prince is in the house, so I want to play his new single because he's hot,” according to London's Sun newspaper.

The artist, hiding under a hood, quickly headed for the exit, but Hilton danced on the table tops until 3:30 a.m.

Running On Empty

I don't think I'll have much time to write today. I wish I did. I wish I could just wallow in my own mind, shut off the outside world, try to make sense of things, write about what I'm feeling. I need that. I need a mental health day... week, month, year. I wish I could go home. I need a space where I am free to write without looking over my shoulder. And I feel so obsessive-compulsive lately, I'll get an idea in my head and waste most of my day distracting myself with it. Before I know it, the hours have passed and I have no reasonable explanation for why I haven't gotten more real work accomplished. I'll have good intentions but they ultimately lead to nowhere. Ugh, I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

"...if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. There is a classic moment in The Sun Also Rises when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt, and all he can say in response is "Gradually and then suddenly." When someone asks how I lost my mind, that is all I can say too."

- Elizabeth Wurtzel

Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?

Happy Valentine's Day!
I wish I could create something beautiful and thoughtful to express how I feel. Everything seems so cliche and is too much or not enough. Hmm, so many thoughts just swimming around in my silly lil' head, trying to find a way out. Maybe it's not so much that we have to have this one day to express how we feel, it's in the little day to day things when you've been together this long...
It's those knowing looks we share when we're about to say the same thing.
It's the way my favorite shows seem funnier when he's there watching them with me.
It's those lazy weekend mornings when he makes us a huge, greasy, yummy breakfast.
It's the little jokes that only the two of us would think are funny.
It's his way of cheering me up time and time again.
It's the way he listens and understands.
It's the way he can find my OCD more humorous than disturbing. (uhh... right, honey?)
It's the way we can just be ourselves together.
It's singing "Endless Love" "I've Had the Time of My Life" "Always" and other sappy duets together for our own amusement with Karaoke Revolution Party.

It's... a lot more things that make me feel special and happy that we're together. Like I said, I can't quite express it how I want to. I feel myself slipping into the cliche, corny, sickeningly sweet realm, so maybe some things are best saved for later.

I hope you all have a great day and spread the love and all that good stuff...
xoxoxo

Bad Dream

Had some crazy dreams last night. Do you feel pain in your dreams? Because sometimes I swear I do. I had gone with some people I didn't know to someone's house that I didn't know. The details are vague. I was wearing a dress. These people had two dogs that were sniffing me. The bigger dog got up under my dress and growled and bit into my ass. I was screaming. I reached back and was trying to pull his extremely strong jaws apart, it wasn't working. I could feel it, I swear. No one could help me. It sucked. When I woke up and told J about this, he said that although that does sound like something he would do, he was not biting my ass while I was asleep.

Any Way You Want It

Hey, I didn't forget about the poll results. You people are so damn nice to me when I shamelessly ask for validation. Thanks for being participators and not "haters." Really, it was more about finding out what things you like seeing here rather than me wanting to change the blog. But I really appreciate the "I'm Ok, You're Ok" kind of responses and will be keeping this blog as a virtual smorgasbord of posts so there's a little somethin for everyone, eh?
So... the most votes so far were for "more pictures" just as much as "I dunno... surprise me." So, uhhh great. I didn't think you were all gonna call my bluff like that! Guess I need to work on getting together some decent pictures. Will I have to make another poll to find out what kind of pictures you want to see? I've taken lots of bad pics of myself, and there's only so much of my big nose and goofy looks that I can handle having up on this here bloggy thang. We'll see what I can come up with.
Anyways, the sun is shining even though it's cold, this blog has almost reached 10,000 hits, and I even got a surprise bag of pretzels from my boss! Not a bad little afternoon. I'm pretty happy. Although not quite as happy as this lady.

I Can't Tell You Why

Hmmm, rejection. Lovely topic with V-day coming up, eh? Let's go back.
There was this guy that I had a... thing with for a little while. It seemed like some good times, but when I look back I wonder if it was only me that had a good time. I thought he was beautiful, and he thought his best friend's girlfriend was beautiful. Only I didn't know it at the time, when I was staying there. We smoked a lot of good dope together and listened to K's Choice, Sublime and The Verve Pipe. I don't remember a whole lot else. There was a time though, that I was riding in the passenger's seat of his car that I got the feeling he wasn't liking me too much anymore. Because I leaned forward to pick something up, and he slammed on the brakes... for no reason other than for me to hit my head on the glovebox. He wasn't the type that was just being funny either. That didn't bode well, but I didn't say anything. Thanksgiving was around that time and I reluctantly went with my mom up north for the weekend. Most of the weekend consisted of me being all giddy with my cousin, telling her how I met this great guy who was so cute and all that.

When I came back, all emotion on his part was gone. He was firm, yet vague about it being over. I gathered up the things I had left there and at the time felt very heartbroken (although I know it seems silly with the short amount of time we were together) at the whole "Hey, so good to see ya!" "Hey, go away" kind of reunion we had. In a lame attempt to win him back or something, I tried to make a move. I don't know, out of desperation I suppose? I remember leaning over him, he was sitting propped up in bed and I tried to kiss him. Bad idea. His hand came up and his fingertips created a shield between my face and his as he gently but firmly pushed me backwards by my face with disgust. Let me tell you, that'll take you down a couple notches. I probably deserved it, especially by karmic standards, but it still hurt (emotionally).

It sucks enough being rejected by someone you built up in your mind but didn't get a chance to know that well. But it also really sucks to be rejected by someone that once looked at you like you were special and then their demeanor changes to one of repulsion. It's hard to believe that that was probably like 8 years ago. Don't worry, I won't spend too much time regurgitating the past here. Still a little "ouch" lingers on, though. And I'm still mad that I never got my Prince hits 3 CD set back because he loaned it to his best friend's girlfriend without my permission! Ah, well - you win some (like my sweetie now), you lose some. Or something.

Uptown

Hey! We did something this weekend! Yeah, out of the house even! Two of our friends and a "not so much a friend as an acquaintance by association, who would be alright if he didn't feel inclined to be a jerk most of the time" were celebrating birthdays. We ended up going to one of the nicer bars downtown. Now some people love the "downtown" because they enjoy the delicate mix of hoity toity too-good-for-you fancy with rundown decrepit and poverty stricken areas. But hey, that's what most "downtown" areas are like, right? Well, it's not all bad really. I can see how some of it has it's charm. I suppose we're getting more and more snooty in our own little way by being in the suburbs now. Although compared to a lot of suburbanites, we probably seem like riffraff. It just depends if you want to be a big fish in a small pond or whatever, I guess. Anyway. All I know is, downtown driving and parking sucks so we kind of avoid it. Plus we both hung out there enough in our coffee shop days.
Anyways, that was quite a build up for not much of a story. The big thing is, NervousGirl got a very enjoyable buzz from a Long Island Iced Tea! Oh wow, I know - one whole drink! But as I've discussed before, I'm not much of a drinker. I would like to be, but it usually doesn't turn out so well. So anyways, it was a very good time and probably less than halfway through my drink I stopped being so self-conscious and actually laughed and talked to people. The only hard part was the not smoking. Ughhh. I wanted to SO BAD... it seemed like everyone else was. But when I smoked it seemed like I was a loner. Wouldn't you know it, smoking is cool, just apparently when I'm not doing it. Damn.

Already There

It was a pretty darn good weekend, we'll get to that soon.

But today. Today is not so good. Not feeling too great about today. I'm feeling pukey, crampy and extemely sensitive. My emotions are easily amplified. I'll have to watch it. I've already proven myself to be unprofessional in the past. Don't ever let them see you cry. Well, it's too late for that.
How come there are these certain types of women, that no matter what a piece of shit employee they are, manage to get the respect of everyone? Nobody would talk to them the way they talk to me and I gotta think it's because they sense my weakness but do not sense the wool being pulled over their eyes by these bitches. I can't play the role of someone else very well, and I have tried. How come it's okay for some women to talk and act in a way that to me seems extremely bitchy, yet it's just accepted like some little quirk? Then for me, if I do something similar, it's not alright, it's not funny, it's not who they want me to be. Because they have an image of what I am and they will tell me who I am. I'm the one who needs everyone else's advice. I'm the one that's so weird. I'm the one that is so quiet. I'm the one who is such a doormat. I'm the one who's too sensitive. I'm the one who listens to problems and actually cares about them, but can't keep anyone's attention when it comes to my own. I'm the one that needs to keep her chin up. It feels like when I try to change that there are always people there shaking their heads. Nope, sorry - it's too late, we've already classified you and we cannot remove you from this particular category. I've gotta stop telling people I work with anything about my outside life. Create a fake life just to tell them about. Or work at a large company where I can just blend in or go by unnoticed. I don't know what this is all about. I'm not explaining this very well. I guess I just think that since just about every job I've had I've started off liking, caring about what I do there, wanting to make things better. And every time that wears off and I seem to be filled with dread at the idea of it and when I leave I never want to look back. I gotta think that despite some of the shitty jobs I've had, the problem is with me. It's all a part of a bigger problem with me. I can't say I'm all negative. I certainly look for the good in people, even in people that I should know don't really have it. But with my life it's so hard to look at it with the same optimism, all I see is what's negative, what isn't there, what I did wrong, what I don't have, and what I won't have.
I didn't mean for it to all come out like this. What a way to start the week. I'll write something else soon but I had to get this out.

Home

I'm gonna keep the poll below going, thanks to those who've voted so far!
Today is just kind of gray. I feel like I could go off into a thing about sadness and loneliness, blah blah blah, but really I think I'm just too tired. Maybe if I got more sleep on a regular basis I'd feel a little better, ya know? Yes, what a novel idea. I'm just so very tired. It's drafty in here as usual and I just wish I could be at home, curling up with a blankey and my cat in front of the TV.
I love the mid-morning quiet when I'm at home. I love being there to see the way the sunlight filters in to the bedroom. I love the sound it makes when the furnace is firing up, like a mini jet engine. I love the steady hum of clothes tumbling in the dryer. I love just having a dryer. I love folding and putting away fresh warm laundry. I love laying in bed on my stomach with no need to get up. I love rolling over and changing positions to an even more comfy postition. I love having a pantry full of lots of soup and snacks. I love having all of our favorite TV shows recorded and waiting on the DVR box. I love being there when he comes home for lunch. I love just being there.
I better stop now before I get my mind too set on going home, 'cause there's work to be done around here. But I'm so very sleepy.

How Do U Want It?

Oh geez, a poll! What have we come to here? Well, I'd like some feedback and thought this would be an easy enough, anonymous way for you to let me know whatcha think, ya dig? I suppose if there's an option you'd like to choose that isn't listed here, then you might wanna leave it in a comment or email. Thanks to those who participate!

What would you like to see more of on Nervous Thoughts?

More pictures More lighthearted posts, less about your problems More angry rants More true stories of dating experiences More sex-related posts More sex-related posts (but only if they are hetero-oriented) More fantasy/fiction type of stuff More about inebriation I dunno... surprise me

View Result

Free Web Polls

So Fresh, So Clean

Picking out shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, lotion, etc. has always been important to me. I like smells. Well, good smells. I hate getting stuck with some sickeningly sweet or medicinal smelling product cause then I'll still feel obligated to use it. Problem is, I'm not so good at making decisions. So I've been known to spend ridiculous amounts of time at Target smelling shampoos before making a careful selection. Conveniently, at our Target the video game section isn't far away, so J and I will part ways for a while. Eventually though, he'll come back to find me still standing where he left me, staring and smelling. "So... have you picked one yet?" he'll ask and then before he knows it, he gets pulled into helping make the final decision. "Smell this one, honey - what do you think?" He'll kind of put up his hands in front of him as he takes a step back from me. "I don't wanna smell it" he'll say, shaking his head. "Ohh, come on" I'll say, thrusting the bottle under his nose. "I don't know, I can't really smell it" he'll say, or really that's what he used to say but now he knows better. Because sometimes, I can't quite smell it either and I'll be the dumbass who squeezes the bottle too hard, trying to release the scent and ends up getting splooged in the face. Oh man, that's embarrassing. And there was a time when I shot some shampoo up his nose and before he could jerk his head away. "Ughhh, thanks a lot and no, this does not smell good! I'm gonna be smelling it all night!"
So now, he just humors me and says "Yeah sure, that one's good" or tells me he has lost his ability to smell as he slowly backs away from me, with the shopping cart wedged between us for protection.

On The Bound

I'm no stranger to spending large amounts of time in solitude. Lots of times, I even prefer it. However, it's not always necessarily a good idea for someone like me. Highly suggestable and easily influenced, I'm not a very good friend to myself. I need to feel the energy that radiates off of other people, opens my eyes back up to life. I'm alone too long and I get weird.
I made a secret wish that my phone wouldn't ring this weekend. I got it. Only now, instead of relief it just gives me an empty feeling that makes me feel even further away from the outside world.
I'm 27 and I have no idea where my life is going.
I feel so far behind.
I couldn't even tell you what I really want to happen.
Things can be awful and comfortable at the same time. It's amazing how long you can go about your everyday routine, just floating.
My job is really getting me down. I don't know if it's the job so much or the environment. If I take a step back and look at it, it's really not so bad. I should be so much more thankful for it than I am. It's even something that I could move slightly up the ladder with if I really wanted it bad enough. It's rare to find an opportunity like that for someone like me with no college education and not much in the way of prospects. But honestly, it's something that I find painfully boring, emotionless and unsatisfying if I look at it as a career. Maybe that just sounds like an excuse not to try. If it paid well and had benefits (which I'm sure it doesn't) I think I'd almost be happier working at the grocery store down the street. Yeah. Sunday nights often bring on these thoughts that suck.

I dont know what I'm doing, dont know
Should I change my mind? I cant decide,
There's too many variations to consider
No thing I do dont do no thing but bring me
More to do, It's true,
I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't

- from "On The Bound" - Fiona Apple

Stupidity Tries

So, I wrote this post earlier this week (in case you missed it) about my own fuck-uppance of my car. I took it to a recommended collision center and they were very nice, didn't grunt or make fun of me (well, at least not to my face). They will need 4 or 5 days to work on it though, so I haven't dropped it off just yet. As you can see below, it doesn't look that bad, well unless you get up really close. They were nice enough to wire up my bumper in the meantime so it won't be all jangly-dangly.

*picture removed*

Total cost to repair: $1,419
Yep, that's right - One thousand four hundred and nineteen junior bacon cheeseburgers, folks. But with my insurance, I'll just have to come up with 500 crispy chicken nuggets. I know that might seem like side salads or baked potatoes to some of you, but for me it'll be a stretch just to come up with that much. We'll get it figured out though.
Damn, I'm hungry...

Eternal Flame

So, I don't know if I've mentioned it recently or I've just been thinking about it. Thinking, thinking, thinking about it. It's been like over a month since I've had a cigarette. I can't believe it, folks. I know it's a good thing for me, but I can't say I don't feel like something's missing sometimes. Like when I get in my car, or after a meal, or when it would be breaktime at work, it's kind of like "Hmm, I used to do something... oh right, I can't. That sucks."
I didn't exactly understand what my boyfriend meant after he quit when he said he had dreams/fantasies about smoking. Well now I've experienced it. Like the other morning. You know, I had a bad morning. But even if I didn't, the feeling still pops up. This little voice says "heyyy, there's still a stale Marlboro Light in your car somewhere... come on, no one would know, it'd just be our little secret." Then I start imagining it, feeling it between my lips, lighting it up, craving that familiar burn... and I have to admit it feels so naughty that I get a little sexually excited just thinking that I could, but I don't. And I didn't. Yay.
I could possibly use some good distractions though. I've been eating too much and I hate it, I've never weighed this much. Not cool.
So yeah, in response to that email from a while back - sure, send those cock pictures my way...

(Giggle giggle.)

Telephone Line

Yesterday I had this phone/web training for one of the many online systems we'll be using at our office. I sound like such a slack-jawed yokel by saying this, but I get sort of this glazed over giddy excitement listening to people talk in different accents than my own. Well, unless it's someone that you really can't understand for shit over the phone, that just sucks. But anyways, this woman was from Texas and I automatically liked her about 10% more just for how she talked. You know what's cute? The subtle differences. I've noticed this from a couple Texans (not to lump you all together or anything) but when saying "umm" it's more like "ehm" whereas where I live it's more like "aahm." Or when saying email, she said it more like "e-mell" whereas here people sound more like "e-mayel." Oh, maybe you'd just have to hear it but it's cute! However, then I think if I put my voice on here or talked to one of you, it would sound horribly nasal and maybe even a touch Fargo-ish to you. Oh yaaah, dontcha know.
This reminds me of when I had a pen pal from Rhode Island, who I had never met but was thinking of calling. I like how ahead of time she described how her voice would sound and saying "How are you?" would be more like "Hawaiiya?" I think she may have called me Jessic-er too.
I also can't help but be fascinated by British and Australian accents. Without even meaning to though, I'll start picking up other people's accents as I'm talking to them and I hope they don't find it insulting. I can see how now when I talk to my brother, he sounds completely different having lived in Australia for like 4 years. It makes me smile, he sounds so... proper or something. Anyway.
I hope that didn't offend anyone or sound like a totally small-town, small-minded thing to say. I just think our little differences are cool.

Dude, WTF?

Um yeah. I have other issues to discuss, but it appears that my blog and some other blogs are looking all fucked up this morning if you look at them with Firefox. They're fine with Internet Explorer and that's the only way I could even log in to Blogger was with IE. If I try to log in to Blogger and I'm using Firefox it says "unexpected error, our engineers have been notified of this problem and are working to resolve it." Crazy shit, man. Crazy. My BF just said the blog looks fine on his computer... is it just me? I know, it's too early to get all in a technical tizzy.

Update 10:10AM - Okay now it mostly looks back to normal. Whew.

I Wanna Go Back

I shouldn't give myself a self-fulfilling prophecy like that, talking about how dumb I feel.
Because then this morning, I did something really really stupid and I feel really really awful about it. You ever wish you could just hit rewind and go back, even just 30 seconds?
The roads are slippery today. I thought I'd do something different. Instead of backing all the way down the driveway, I thought I could be slick and get the car turned around to avoid sliding backwards. Didn't quite go as planned! I fuckin got myself caught on the side of the garage. SHIT! Trying to get myself detached from it probably made it worse, and I could hear the pieces of plastic falling to the ground. Fuck fuck fuck. The hood is fine. The bumper is still on, just not attached on that side. The side light is hanging by it's cord, the grill popped right off and parts of it shattered. There's a nice line of paint along the front quarter panel and the wheel well plastic is hanging down. DAMNIT!
I managed to get inside the house before the hysterical sobs began, as I have a feeling the neighbors probably saw the whole thing and were wowed by my idiocy. ("C'mere honey, look - the neighbor girl can't get out of her driveway again!") I called my boyfriend and told him what happened and he came to my rescue. He's a good, good man for putting up with my hysterics and got me calmed down, shoved the light back in and didn't make me feel stupid. But I do feel stupid. I fucking hate driving anyway. I just suck in reverse, I'm too short to see very well behind me and haven't gotten the hang of backing out of the garage very well since we moved. I feel like such a fucking idiot. Don't laugh. This really sucks. But...
At least I still have full coverage on the car. BUT I still have a $500 deductible and you know, I don't have $500! Plus, if the total repair cost is over $1,000 my insurance will most likely go up. From what I know about body work nothing is under $1,000. Fuckin shit. But...
At least no one got hurt. I was able to drive to work. The roads still suck so this was not a good experience given that I already got myself all shook up. I almost slid into the curb on the same side that hit the garage, and then I almost got rear ended by someone who was following too close. Stopping and turning just doesn't work when it's slippery like this. But yeah, I know it could've been worse. I sure hope the roads clear up by the time I leave work.
I wish I could just go back and start this day over.

Dumb

Okay, so I like to read and I like to listen. I've got a sometimes surprisingly good long term memory, believe it or not. However, my short-term memory sucks. But still, we've almost got the basics down here for a learning experience, right? Well, it's embarrassing because apparently not. I used to be so good at picking things up quickly, understanding, I used to even be part of the smarter kids in school... well, up until about 10th grade. It was a harder transition then because I had come off like I had potential up until that point. So I was even more of a disappointment when I just stopped caring - about school, about myself, my future, etc. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm unable to understand things like I used to, I'm unable to learn like I used to. Like now at work, my job isn't even that hard but I find it terribly difficult to find the will to concentrate. And I'm embarrassed when I'm in a situation where people give me that look, you know, the frustrated god-you're-a-dumbass look when really I want to scream "I wasn't always like this! I used to be like you!" And I'm embarrassed that it's mostly because of all the drugs and not giving a fuck that I'm just not the same, and maybe I never will be.

Ask

I'm thinking about trying sort of a theme this week. I will attempt to post things that are a little more personal and might say a little more about me, even if they aren't quite Post Secret worthy. I mean, the things that I write are part of me, but a lot of times are pretty vague. I love reading other people's stories and intimate details of their lives, but even with my less than exciting one, I hesitate. There are some stories I think of telling and I stop myself. I'm too worried about what you think. Or I'm too worried about what I think. I don't know. We'll see how this plays out. If there's anything (within reason) that you'd like to know about nervousgirl, just ask or send me an email...

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me, I wont say no, how could I?

- from "Ask" by The Smiths

River of Deceit

There are days that I let it consume me. Like the recurring dream of being chased, but you know that if you try to run your legs won't cooperate. So rather than trying to get away you just lay down and play dead, wait for it to pass.

There are days that I sweep it under the rug. I'll make up my face like any other day and even smile like I imagine a normal person would. There are times like these that if someone asks me sincerely how I really am, I'll burst into tears.

There are days that I fight it. There are days that I don't have to. Sometimes I'll wake up and see things in a different light, and I can't understand why I felt so bad the day before.

Stick 'Em Up *

So, it was a pretty good weekend but as always it went by really fast. We rented "The Warriors" game for the PS2 and it's pretty cool, looks like they did a good job and we'll have to see the movie to compare. Apparently, it's a 70's "cult classic" that I had never heard of before. All I know is, you get to brawl in the streets saying stuff like "Come on, sucka!" and "Can yooou dig iiiit?" so that's pretty sweet. Although I don't have much patience when it comes to video games, so this ends up as me watching and cheering on the boyfriend more often than my actually playing it. That's okay though. We also watched "Million Dollar Baby" yesterday, and as everyone had said it was really good. As you can imagine between the two, I think I had a lot of violent dreams last night. I'm always so behind on movies, as I don't much like going to the theater and would rather get our money's worth with having all the movie channels and a DVR box from our cable company. So sometimes I ignore all the hype for a while until it's out of the theaters. Anyways, I didn't really know much of what all the fuss over "Million Dollar Baby" was other than it was about boxing. So I asked J "So, she's pregnant while she's boxing?" he was like "whaat?" and I said "you know, pregnant with the million dollar baby?!" Well, I was way off, as usual. Heh heh.
Anyways, we did some shopping and I bought a couple pairs of cheap shoes which while cute are proving to be somewhat uncomfortable**, wasted money on some bunk-ass... stuff (wink-wink) that was pretty stale, ate good foods, had some company, you know - business as usual. All in all, it was a pretty good time. And all in all, it sucks being back to work today, and time has slowed down to a crawl. If you're one of those lucky enough to have the day off today, enjoy!

*the song by Quarashi, in case you wondered

**I'm not much of one to do the "wear it once and take it back to the store" kind of thing, but now these shoes are seriously hurting, and since I've just been on carpet all day and have been careful, I'm considering exchanging them...

Say Something (follow-up)

Thanks again to everyone who de-lurked and left a comment on the last post, or anytime for that matter. I'd like to say this blog is just for myself like a diary, but I admit it - I like to know there are people out there who read it! A lot of times it makes me feel a bit less lonely. I think we all like to get some kind of feedback on our blogs, although I can't really say much for myself sometimes, as I often get shy about leaving comments or giving advice, even when I enjoy what I'm reading. I try to break out of being such a silent observer, and I appreciate it when others do that too. Alright, I'm babbling. Anyways, thanks for indulging me...

Say Something

As I learned from Girlfiend, it's National De-Lurking week, or it was and it's dangerously close to being over! Won't you come out of the shadows and leave a comment? Please, don't be shy... take this opportunity to say hi, ask me questions, tell me about yourself, put a little somethin-somethin in my inbox, eh? It's always appreciated. Pretty please?

Say something, say something, anything
I’ve shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

- from "Say Something" by James

In The Waiting Line

I thought I had a lot of material for posts, but it's all stopped up in my head. So prepare for another disjointed post! If I just had some time to devote to writing without interruption... well, then again I'd need motivation too. I'll have to get to that another time.

Anyways, the news is that our little cat is sick and is on some heavy-duty antibiotics. If you haven't tried it, it's just loads of fun trying to give a cat it's medicine. Poor girl. They've discovered a few more health problems than what we originally brought her in to the vet for. She is getting up there in years, but if you saw how she gallops about and attacks her catnip mouse, you'd think she was still a kitten. I really hope she's gonna be okay. We're gonna try to keep her as happy and comfortable as possible and will hopefully have her around for a while longer. I'd say more, but it's kinda tough for me to write about.

I watched "Must Love Dogs" the other night, it was okay. Diane Lane looked pretty milfy (can we just use that as an adjective these days?) but seemed to lack much in the way of natural-looking facial expressions. I don't know how to describe it. She's still cool and everything though and so was John Cusack, who was his usual sarcastic witty character. Nothing really stood out in this movie as all that funny or all that touching, but it was decent.

I'm wearing one of my dorkier outifts and I can't wait to go home and change. I also can't wait to go home because this day is dragging and at home I have some peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies that I made the other night - mmm, cookies.

I Do Not Want This

Feeling a bit more energetic today, although I'm also a bit edgy. I don't necessarily like feeling like this. It's like I've got my anger back after it's been subdued for a long time. I'd gone for so long without expressing it that now it just comes out all wrong. I hate it when I'm furiously silent and pouty, when I'm mad I can't look you in the eyes. I find it hard to just let off some steam and not explode. I want to scream and throw things but I don't, I hate it when people do that. Once in a great while, I'll slam a door - I hate it when people do that too, but sometimes I see how that can feel good. I also hate it when people around me know I'm mad and think it's funny that the meek little doormat can have an angry side. I guess I just feel highly sensitive to everything today. Remember that Seinfeld when George tries to get people to leave him alone at work by looking really "busy", which he does by just looking pissed off? But I suppose saying "What the fuck could you possibly want now?" whenever someone comes in or calls would be taking it a little far.

But it'll be okay. At least until I run out of pretzels to snack on.

Possum Kingdom

I'm only half "here" today. Not much different than any other day. Just a shell of a human being, sitting at this desk. Yeah, I exaggerate. I didn't get enough sleep.

Our kitty's sick again and will be going back to the vet. Not cool. We'll see what they say. It's sad when you have an older pet and have to think about these things, and people in general just think putting it to sleep is always the answer if the pet is older than 10. If my boss makes another joke pertaining to cruelty to animals, especially now... it may result in a whip-kick to the temple. Or some Real Ultimate Power type stuff, I don't know. As cool as he can be, I just don't understand people who have no feelings for any pets or animals in general. Or they only have feelings of contempt and annoyance.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible that gnats or some other kind of teeny tiny fly have been breeding inside this monitor. It's too cold out for many bugs at all to be around, but these little bastards are constantly hovering around the screen, occasionally attempting to fly directly into my eyes. I never see them hanging out anywhere else. This has been going on... well, probably since I've worked here, which has been over a year now. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone until now, as I'm sure I'll be targeted as at fault somehow, and no one wants to be the nasty girl with flies swarming around her. Just so you know though, I do shower and often wear some kind of scented lotion. So yeah, I've got that going for me...

By the way, Tropical Citrus is the worst flavor of Propel I've had so far. It's kinda like Tang (did you drink that back in the day?) but without the sweetness. Blech. Yeah, I know a lot of people think all of the Propel flavors are bad, but I don't really like the taste of plain water in general, plus this makes me feel just a little bit "healthy" since the rest of the time I'm known to drink diet cola.

I've decided to continue with using song titles for my posts. It may have some relevance to the post, or I may have heard it on the radio, or it may just be something from my mental jukebox that I hope you will pick up on. Unoriginal, I know, but I will do it until it no longer amuses me or when I actually think of proper titles. Did you even need to know that?

This post is a whole lotta nothing.

Joy in Repetition

What is this... tingling sensation I feel? Is this what you humans call... arousal? My tender parts are flushed. Can't... keep... legs together. Must commence to grinding. What is this... pleasure you speak of? Pleasure... without procreation? I must learn more of your ways. It's like my heartbeat... is in my pants. Give me something to sit on. Pardon me, I appear to be magnetically drawn to your lap. Let me just hug your face with my chest. What is this... heat I feel emanating from my loins? Did I sit in a puddle? What an interesting sensation. These panties make me so ticklish. Ooh, if I cross my legs real tight... that's nice.

Have you ever been late to work because you had a not-so-quick morning quickie? Or you decided it might help to get yourself off before work and it took a little longer than expected? Or umm, both? How do you explain that?

It can't rain all the time

I'm not normally much of a "gamer", but I wish I could just go home and play more Dead or Alive 4. That would be sweet. Even though the game pisses me off from time to time, at least I'm getting better at it. The lure of unlocking new costumes keeps me coming back. I appreciate things like that, I suppose it appeals to my wanting to play dress up like a little girl. Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball was awesome for that. The whole game was just winning money at tournaments to save up money to unlock sexier bathing suits for the ladies. Unfortunately, the gameplay itself was kinda lame. But anyways...

The other distraction I've been enjoying lately is playing mahjong on the computer. Yeah, that's what it's come to. What a dork. I can spend hours playing this addictive little game with nothing to show for it but sore and dried up eyes, but alas, it keeps me busy.

I think you all can tell I've hit another low with the blog. I've just been having trouble expressing myself and the words don't come out how I want them to. Plus, I'm one of the most boring people around and bitter on top of that. It's nothing new around here, but I've just been in pretty rotten moods lately, and trying to hold back on some of my bitching. This blog just doesn't give me the same joy it used to, but I'm not yet ready to give it up.
Speaking of blogs, my sister-in-law has one now. It's cool, it's more of one of those keeping up with family from far away kind of blogs. She's quite a funny writer too, and oh, how I want to say something! Now even my parents are hip to the blogging scene! I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before someone says "hey, you used to write, this might be a good outlet for you." But I can't really say anything about Nervous Thoughts. Do I make up another blog, only "family-friendly" this time? There are certainly things in this one that would worry and disturb my family. But then again, I think if I wrote one with the intention of family seeing it, it would be really fake. I don't know, in my own way I'm kinda proud of this little blog here, but conflicted about sharing it. There are probably already too many who know and it makes me worry about what they think. It's silly.

Back to bidniss and crabby as a mofo

This is why I never liked depriving myself of things. It leads to this quiet, seething anger turned inward. On my quest to be a better person, instead of feeling cheerful and positive, inside I feel a mix of furious and sad. Why did I have to set myself up with this stupid reward system anyway? Yes, I suppose I am always in need of a crutch or a pat on the back. Now, quitting smoking seems like a lonely (and cruel) world. It feels like ex-smokers and non-smokers and current smokers are all equally non-sympathetic. Then again, I just haven't found much reassurance in anything anyone has had to say. Before I felt like smoking was a lonely world. It seemed like it was getting gradually less and less acceptable. Restaurants, the few that still allow smoking, give the smokers the shitty section. Non-smokers glared at me when I was standing outside, making me hang my head in shame. People would sometimes recoil and start fanning their hands furiously if the smoke blew their way. (I will not let myself become one of those people.) My boyfriend quit over the summer so I know it's been bugging him that I've still been smoking, even though he's been quiet about it for the most part. The smell on my clothes and hair had been bugging me. But still...
I feel angry, at myself mostly. But actually, you know - I do feel angry just in general. Because I'm not one of those people who feels great about denying themself of something. I can and I have, and I don't like it. But there's this idea that that's the only way we're "good" people. And if I wasn't so "bad" it wouldn't be so hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but I think perhaps it's harder for me because I have a shitty attitude, ya know? Ha, yeah. Well, it's just the 10th day, so we'll see how that goes. I'd like to make up for the lack of rewarding myself by eating more, but I just can't. I already felt like crap about myself, and now that the stomach flu gave me a headstart on losing weight, I feel like I can't screw it up this time. So here I am. I feel like I need a new fix. Fuck willpower. Fuck being back to work. Fuckin Fuck Fuck Shit!

Sorry I'm late, I was dead...

Well, hellooooo! This is the first time I've sat at the computer in a long time. It's the first time I've been able to do ANYTHING in what feels like a very long time. It feels good to be alive again. As of last Saturday around 4 AM, my stomach cried "LIQUIDATION! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" and I've been wicked sick ever since. 24 hour bug, my ass! This shit has lasted 6 days! I thought I was gonna shrivel up and die, I tell ya. Nasty, nasty stuff that I really hope is over for good now. I know I said a while back that I wished I could just skip the holidays altogether, but not like this! I know I said (or just thought) that I wanted to lose 10 pounds or more, but not like this!
Anyways, I think I'm on the road to recovery. I hope you're all doing well and will be checking in with you soon. Enjoy your precious digestion, people!

Fake it 'til you make it

Last night was a whirlwind of shopping and cookie baking. Guess what? The cookies turned out okay! Good, even. Yay! I know, big deal right? The significance of this is that I haven't exactly worked on my "skills" doing anything that might be considered "domestic" but it means more to me now. I think more and more about all the things my mom knew how to do at my age or younger (and with kids to take care of) and how much I suck for not knowing that stuff! Examples:
- I sewed a button back on a pair of pants, and I think it fell off the same day.
- Years ago when I lived with my mom, she left some potatoes boiling on the stove while she went to do something else. She asked me to mash them, and I did - without draining the water first! (Still feel bad about that one.)
- At least I don't mind doing laundry, and with my experience I should be pretty good at it. But I can't guarantee I won't shrink things...
- I don't really enjoy cooking, but if I do make something it's usually all in one skillet.
- My cleaning and organizational skills have dropped from above average to "I'll try to make it look decent for company."

Well, you gotta start somewhere, right? The baking frenzy will continue!

Too cold. Can't think. Pictures instead.

My cat ponders the meaning of Christmas

We didn't even set her up to do that, but wouldn't she be cute with some little antlers? No? Yeah, somehow I don't think that would be appreciated. Muffers was just getting into the holiday spirit. You could even say she glows... (cough... ahem, sorry bout that one folks.)

If you have the time, please check out I Love Your Pets! for more pet pictures, contributed by myself and others with much better photography skills. Let me know if you want to contribute or have suggestions. Or don't.

Alright, but I'm keeping my socks on

Yesterday, I had my annual poke and prod at the doctor. You know what I'm talkin about, ladies - not fun. At least she was in and out in no time and handed me a wad of kleenex when it was done. But it made me feel so cheap! I'm kidding. But anyways, I'm okay, pretty much. Things aren't so much like they used to be at the ol' doctor's office. Not sure if it's just the changing times or that I'm at an age where they don't worry about me too much. There's always things I wanted to say or questions I wanted to ask after it's too late. And, did you even check my chart to see my history? Then again, I believe I'll have to make another post about some of those appointments that I had wished weren't so in depth! Anyway, as I was about to leave she told me I'd have to stop at the lab and have some blood drawn. Apparently I may have a thyroid problem, but we'll see what the results say. It didn't sound like it was a big deal to treat, but you know me - I obsess. Give me some symptoms, and I'll have them. But really, it is hereditary so it's not a huge surprise. I just didn't know that some of the things I've experienced, like depression, could be partly because of that. But I don't know yet, so I'm jumping the gun. Really, there could be much much worse conditions to worry about, so I'm really not that worried as much as I just want to know more about it.
So, I was thinking about things and talking myself up. Like I'm going to take multi-vitamins, change or ween off of meds, eat better, excercise, get a good night's sleep, let go of some things I've been holding onto for too long, lose some weight, change my hair, try to look better, be mature, be happy, be more "normal", etc. I know these things take time and I can't do it all at once. But still, I woke up feeling rather good this morning and then a few hours later, was practically in tears at work for no real reason. Guess I've just gotta ride out the highs and lows, cause now I feel okay again. You know I'll keep ya posted.

Observations from a wallflower

Sometimes, we'll be out and I'll watch you like a stranger trying to be impartial. A silent observer, admiring you from a distance. I get to see a different side of you and it puts things in a refreshing perspective. The way you talk to people, the way you listen, the way your laughter spreads throughout a room. The way you can entertain a crowd of people yet not be someone who's just "putting on a show." The way your humor, wit and sarcasm is intelligent and never too much or too little. The way you don't have to be the attention-grabbing star and you don't leave me in the shadows. The way our eyes will meet from across a room and know what each other is feeling. The way you tell a story or a joke, the laughter is infectious. Even if they didn't laugh, you know I would and I wouldn't have to worry about forcing it. I see the way they look at me, at us together and they smile...
I'll watch you and think of a time when we were just two strangers in a coffee shop. Two strangers, taking up two otherwise empty tables. One reading and one writing, but neither one paying much attention to what they were doing. I asked if I could join you and you smiled and said yes...

Reruns

Okay, so I've added some new links recently to my list on the right (go on, mingle - I'm sure you'll like each other!) So just in case there are new people coming by who've never seen this blog before, or for anyone who'd rather not dig through the old archive pile (can't blame you), I've made a short list of some previous posts so you all can get a better idea of the kind of stuff you may find here. Of course, there'll also be some smut and incoherent ramblings mixed in from time to time. I seem to have a tough time sticking to one particular theme!

(Really, I'm just feeling a bit embarrassed of my writing lately, yet not embarrassed enough to take it down so I'm half-trying to make up for it. And, okay - I'm really not quite sure what to write about next, so... humor me here, please!)

• 20 Random Quirks
• Nervous Much?
  
• Immaculate Misconceptions
• Can't Hang
• Everybody Poops
• Memories

Free love, coffee and cute hippie girls

A reader's request or a joke? Well, I'm not one to shy away from such topics. Nothing noteworthy has happenend in that department for years, so I take you back to 1998...

Kissing her is like kissing yourself... well, if you could kiss yourself. The way her tongue stays politely in her mouth, waiting for yours to make the first invitation. It's how you would do it, if you were playing the girlie role, but in this case you feel like taking the lead. Once you've made that first move, she receives you as if she's been starving for it, for you, all along. Her tongue and yours dance in soft wet circles around each other. Eyes are closed, breathing is heavy. You stop to take a breath and share a nervous giggle. She tastes sweet and her berry-flavored lips are symmetrical with your own when slightly parted. Two lip glosses becoming one obscure flavor. You can't believe you're making out with her, but also can't believe that anyone could resist her. There's nothing softer or more delicious than her mouth. She makes you dizzy, heat rushing to your cheeks and between your legs. The small delicate features of her face make you almost want to hold back, be gentler than you normally would be. You don't grab a handful of hair at the nape of her neck like you would with him. You keep pausing to ask if she's sure she's okay and she smiles, rolling her beautiful brown eyes at you playfully. She seems so fragile under your hands, a way you've never seen her before. You just want to wrap your arms around her, keep her as your own, keep her safe. She's the most adorable little hippie chick you've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And you want to know more. But the reality sets in. Her boyfriend is waiting for her upstairs. She laughs out loud, runs a hand through her short dark brown hair and pulls another cigarette from her pack. "Just one more, I've gotta calm down" she says breathlessly. You're both flushed, and you roll down one of the steamed up windows of your car to let some cold air in. You turn back and see she hasn't lit her cigarette and she's looking into your eyes so deeply you almost feel naked in front of her. She runs her fingers through your long reddish hair, then pulls your face towards hers. She kisses you with confidence now, makes little noises of excitement in the back of her throat. Her hand has made it's way up your thigh and grips you, sending a shiver down your spine. You feel it deep within you, that feeling you're not supposed to feel, but you do...
"Really. Thanks again for the ride" she says, and you watch as the streetlight casts it's glow on her thin graceful figure, guiding her away from you once more...

Seasonal anxiety

When it comes to this time of year, I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed up until just about the last few moments when there is still time to make a plan. It's not that I don't love my family and extended family, I do. It's not that I don't know the importance of being together at Christmas, I do. Still, these last few years especially it's been very hard to pull myself up above my stupid feelings and be social. My mom would like us to go with her 3 hours north. My dad would like us to come to his house 3 hours south. Both parents stress the importance of seeing not only their side of the family but seeing the other parent's side of the family as well. Yet this year may be my only chance to have the leverage of us just buying a house and wanting to spend the first Christmas at home. J's parents live close, don't usually travel and are generally up for celebrating Christmas whenever, which is nice. My brother who lives 3 hours north has a girlfriend now and very little time off of work, so he may be inclined not to travel this year. However, in the last year our father has provided both my brother and I with vehicles to drive, so how can we not go visit him? I feel this enormous guilt, yet I'm still finding it difficult to commit to any plans. A big part of it that I hate to admit is my fear of driving, on the highway for long distances specifically. It's a paranoia that I've developed in the last few years, and it seems laughable to mostly everyone else. I know it's one of those things that I can only conquer by just facing it, and then it won't be that bad. But most times I only think about this when there comes the need for travel, which is usually at Christmas. Which is usually when the roads are the worst and my fears multiply. Ice is fucking scary. Whiteouts are fucking scary. Deer running in front of your car is scary. Then there's the actual Christmas part. I haven't even begun to shop or think about what to get people, and after looking at our budget and all these new expenses, I'm not sure it'll be anything much! At least last year, I thought I did pretty well, at least with the gifts for parents. And I know that's not everything, but still it does make me happy to give when I can. Then there's the spending the night if we do go out of town. I don't think we'd be able to afford a hotel room, but staying with family isn't always easy, either. My mom has reminded me that even though she doesn't have a problem with it, we shouldn't put relatives in the position to put us up in a room together. I can sort of understand, my mom's side of the family is Catholic and all. (And you know we're just dying to have hot nasty unmarried sex in some unsuspecting relative's house!) But yeah, I don't really like the idea of staying with family either and wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, including us.
I'm sure I could continue on with the complaining and the anxiety, but really I think I'm giving all of us a collective headache. I can't let myself get all freaked out, that doesn't help anything. But you know what does help, along with candy and inebriants and an understanding boyfriend? Being able to vent about it!

Movies & Malaise

Hey there, folks. Finally got a chance to write a bit. I started feeling sicky-icky on Sunday and that's continued on and off Monday and today. Yesterday I ended up staying home, curled up on the couch. I have to admit it was nice just being there, quiet and cozy. There are always lots of things I think I'll accomplish on a sick day, but of course that doesn't happen.
So I finally watched "The Notebook" all the way through - had only caught pieces of it before. I have to say, for being a "chick flick" it was really good. It was touching and romantic, and yes it even got me all teary eyed. Ryan Gosling has really grown up since his days on the Mickey Mouse Club, I tell ya! I've been liking Rachel McAdams more and more too, and it seemed like they had some good chemistry going on in that movie, both did a really good job. Sigh. Then I watched "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" and it was eh, okay. I think the first one was better. I did some laundry and napped for a couple hours after that. Over the weekend I also watched "Bewitched" with Will Farrell & Nicole Kidman. It was pretty cute, but no huge laughs really and not enough Steve Carell! Oh, and we watched "Robots" this weekend too, which was good and looked really cool with the animation and whatnot. Last night we watched "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves. I'm not a huge Keanu fan but it was okay if you like that kind of thing. Sort of comparable to the "Blade" kind of movies, though that might be an insult to some. So as you can see, we're trying to get the most out of our last month with Netflix! I think Netflix is great and everything, but it's just another expense that we should cut out. We went over our bills and budget last night - not fun!
Anyways, I should get back to bidness.

Why must I feel like that?

Dude... I mean it about wanting to hibernate. It's snowing again and will probably continue all day. Yeah, it's pretty but only when you don't have to go out in it.

I'm feeling sorta like the same old blah me. Even though I'm still not really sure what all that means. Still as moody as ever, even though the change in living environment has helped. I thought I had already gone on this journey of self-discovery 10 years ago. And then again 6 years ago. Maybe you just never stop learning, even about yourself. I'm less easily swayed than I used to be, but still feel that I try too hard to find a place where I fit in. Like it or not, and as anti-social as I may be, I do feel the need to bond with people. I'm just not very good at it. One of our mutual friends has moved back to town and I've been pretty thrilled about it, even if it's not under the best of circumstances that she's here. I've been longing for some female companionship and she's always fun to be around. But just like other relationships, I have to watch myself cause I'll be bound to fuck it up if I get too excited about it. In school, it wasn't always as hard to find friends. Granted, not all those bonds were much more meaningful than who you sat at lunch with or who would share their scented markers with you, but still. At my age, it's not as easy. Girls are tough to understand and be friends with. Then again, I haven't really put myself out there. I think I'll go hang out in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. Oh yeah.
I don't think this was even what I intended to write about in this post, but that's what came out. Eh, you know how it goes. I tend to get a little more down this time of year. It'll be fine though. I'll bounce back.

Why must I chase the cat?

Since we've moved in, our poor kitty has had a number of problems. At first, she seemed to adjust really well to the move. But I know it's always stressful for pets when there's a change to their environment. I thought, if anything, she'd be much better off here. We used to smoke in our little apartment, and now we have more room and don't smoke (well, I go outside) so I thought that would definitely be good for our cat. But she's lost her voice! Her mews and mehs just sound whispery now. I'm thinking part of it may be how dry it is from running the furnace or the fact that she hasn't horked up a hairball in quite some time, maybe it's lodged in there. She sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Then one of her ears was bugging her enough that she scratched it up really bad. Then she had a couple "accidents" so we took her to the vet. Poor kitty had an ear infection and a bladder infection. He didn't know about the lost voice or cough, other than suggesting x-rays. So, lemme tell ya - giving a cat 2 kinds of medicine is loads of fun! The antibiotic was banana flavored, which maybe is more enjoyable for a dog but was not appreciated by our cat, who made every effort to spit it out. Then the ear medicine. I can't blame her. Eardrops are bad enough, but greasy eardrops that have to be refridgerated must feel absoulutely disgusting. We're finished with the meds now and lately she's seemed like her normal self, other than the lost voice. She's playful, still trots and gallops from room to room, has a normal appetite, etc. She's got quite a bit of energy for being probably around 12 years old. So, I don't want to be a bad parent, but I really don't want to take her back to the vet for a bunch of tests either!

Send it off in a letter to yourself

It probably goes without saying, but I've felt a little blahhh lately. It's getting colder and darker outside. I feel the need to hibernate. And I'm craving corn. I don't know why - I just want some sweet, hot, buttery corn. Not popcorn though. At my last job, some people would microwave popcorn at every break and gab and bitch while chomping, often sending popcorn particles flying. Sometimes there were just too many dirty hands fighting their way into the popcorn bag. It just lost it's appeal. Plus, if you're not eating it, it kinda stinks sometimes. I don't know if it was the brand or what, but popcorn shouldn't smell like barf. Just my two cents.

Update: it's lunchtime and I didn't get my corn. Oh well. Decided on quick cheap Chinese food instead, as the boss and I both forgot or were too lazy to bring lunches. It's funny how every place will make the same dish a little differently. One of my good old standbys is cashew chicken. One place we go to will have it along with peppers, carrots and zucchini and will be in a brown sauce. Today's is with pea pods, mushrooms, water chestnuts (blech) and celery and is in that kind of flavorless snotty looking sauce. I was hoping it would have the baby corn in it, but oh well! Hmm, you know, as I sit here eating and typing.... it's really not that good. But maybe I'm more nauseated because the radio station is playing that medley from "Grease." Did I mention that for the most part, I cannot stand showtunes/musicals? Uggh. Must. Change. Channel. Oh no, "Old Time Rock n Roll" is on! What, are they trying to kill me? Alright, change it again. Steve Miller Band followed by Steely Dan. Yeah man... that'll work.

(Update: I did an image search for corn, and this was just so terribly cute, I had to put it up! There's more at baruchito.com)

Annoying dream

You know those dreams where you're running away from someone or something, but it's like you're trying to run through quicksand? It's really frustrating, no matter how fast it feels like you're trying to go, it seems you're always way too slow and the chaser is inevitably going to catch up.
This morning I had a variation of that type of dream, and I remembered that I had had this dream before. This one is about needing to call 911 while I'm in danger. Something bad will happen, someone's coming after me and I've only got a couple seconds to try to make that call. Sometimes as soon as I have that thought, I realize the phone has been disconnected or the wires have been cut. Sometimes I have my cell phone but either the battery is dead or it has no signal. Then there are times when I do reach a phone that is working, but something always goes wrong while I'm dialing. It's only 3 numbers - how hard can it be? But somehow my fingers will not cooperate! Rrgghh!
So, back to this morning's dream. I sat up in bed after hearing someone rattling the front door. It was just him and me inside, and it was the middle of the night. Then I heard a key clicking inside the lock and the door being pushed open. Even in my dream, my heart was racing. I woke him up and told him someone was in our house. We groggily and defenselessly went into the living room. There were about 6 redneck scuzzy-looking people walking around like they owned the place. I didn't know if they were violent, or just ignorant, or both. One guy with a cocky attitude and lack of teeth looked up and said "who the hell are you?" to us. At that point I started yelling at him "What? Who the fuck are YOU? What the fuck are YOU doing here?" Then this big lady stepped in. "Where's the people who used to live here? Where's so and so?" and J told them calmly that it was our house now and they'd have to leave. The lady then told us that they had been taking care of the previous owner's dog and it had died, so they brought it back here to be blessed before burying it. (???) Then I saw that the lady was holding the dead dog under her coat! She was getting beligerent, like we had made this an inconvenience for her. She and her people would not leave. Then they accused us of this not being our house and what had happened with the people who lived here before? I said I was going to find the number of the guy who sold us the house and sneaked off to find my cellphone and call 911. Of course, every time I tried, different numbers came up. 714, 817, damn it I need 911! But as I've said, in my dreams it hardly ever works. Finally I think I had dialed correctly, but when they answered, this guy just said "yeah". "Is this 911?" I asked frantically. "Yeah" he said in a smirking tone. "Sounds like you've had a bad day." Ugghhh. "I need an officer to come to my house" I whispered "we've had a break-in." After a long silence, the guy on the phone said "alright... yeah, I'll send someone over, but it's probably going to be about 20 minutes." I hung up. I was afraid that the people in our living room were going to attack us and I didn't know what to do. At least we were able to hide while they ransacked our house. The police did arrive shortly, although they were confused and not that helpful. The rest was kind of a blur. What an annoying, frustrating dream!

It snowed a bit...

May turn girlfriend into a sleepyhead

He got the call last night.
The call he didn't think he'd get until after Thanksgiving had come and gone.
The call so many had hoped for, but were too far down the line to receive.
The call that meant he'd be the envy of others who had waited hours upon hours only to come home empty-handed.
The call that reversed his disappointment and replaced it with giddy anticipation.
The call that meant countless hours of revolutionary entertainment.
I was sitting next to him when he got the call.
His eyes lit up and he said "I'll be there right away" and jumped up to grab his coat.
It was the call that said "Your pre-ordered Xbox 360 is here at our store."

I'm not even a gamer, but I'll admit it is pretty amazing. For some reason though, whenever I'm watching him play video games, especially ones with a lot of action, I tend to want to pass out. I don't mean that I want to pass out from excitement or fear - I mean that literally my eyes will start drooping, my head feels all groggy and I find it extremely difficult to stay awake. The next thing I know, I've got a stiff neck from passing out on the couch for a couple hours. I know there's a warning along with video games about epileptic seizures, but I've never heard of them just making someone pass out. Is this all in my mind? He has no idea how I can stay awake through some long drama/romance movie but yet will fall asleep amidst huge surround sound explosions and intense combat on the screen. It has happened at different times of day too, so it's not always just that I'm tired at the time he's playing video games. This happens with action movies too, I've passed out during "Batman Begins" and other movies with a lot of special effects. What up widdat? My little brain can't handle anything too fast-paced?

Well, we're having 5 people over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Two of which haven't yet seen our new place. It should be a nice cozy gathering with lots of good food and company. I'm very thankful that he knows how to cook, and does it very well. I hope you all have a good time too and don't run into any bad traffic or family feuds. Take care.

Slowpoke

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm one of those people. One of those people that is LATE. Not extremely, like overslept or had a hangover late, but still technically late by a few minutes. Or one that just manages to make it on time, but rarely is early. I hate it. I didn't used to be this way, really. It adds to my bad persona of being irresponsible or a slacker. It's not that I don't care, but it still happens way more often than it should. Okay, so we had a quickie this morning, but I can't exactly tell that to the folks at work. I don't know what I can cut out of my morning routine. I've gotten my shower time cut back to about 7-8 minutes, which is good for me. I suppose I could start taking a shower at night instead of the morning, but that kinda sucks and then I don't feel as fresh. Then there's getting dressed. This is the area I could improve on. I'm way too indecisive and there are mornings that 3 different things are tried on before selecting one, which was usually the first thing I put on anyway. But still, no matter what I wear I always end up looking half-assed. See, it's not that I'm spending all the time putting together this perfect outfit, it's that I'm just trying to choose which one is the least repulsive. Then there's my hair and makeup, which really ends up looking like I didn't bother with it at all. But I do. And that takes me a few minutes just to look acceptable enough to leave the house. Then I check on the cat's food and water supply, grab some sort of breakfast bar, beverage and sometimes a frozen lunch item before walking out the door. Then I realize how late I'm going to be and try to drive a little faster than usual. But I don't drive defensively enough. I pick my lane and I stay with it. I go the speed limit in certain areas where I know they have speed traps. Even in "safe" areas, I only go about 10 over at the most. Lame. I've tried the old setting the clocks ahead trick, but I'm always aware of it so it doesn't make much difference. I don't know, maybe I should be even more lame and get myself to bed earlier. I can't believe the people that get up and actually DO stuff in the morning before work, like going to the gym or cooking an actual breakfast. How do you do it? Ohhh, you and your damn energy and willpower and strive to be early, do-gooders!

milk and cookies

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I hate it when I leave something up for way too long and it gets all dusty and stale. But my boobs would like to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions and concerns. No really, my boobs would like to thank you personally! (I know, it's Thursday so I should have a picture, but alas, I do not). So yeah, my breasts are doing fine and without getting into the "too much info" details, it's kinda related to being on the pill and my body tricking itself into thinking it's preggers. Weird, but yeah.

So... winter pretty much has been broughten. It's kind of pretty with the big fluffy kind of snowflakes, but the wind and ice are what really sucks. Every year, you have to get yourself back into winter driving mode. Resist urge to slam on brakes. Hit icy patch and say "woah, woah, hey now... easy now, easy. No spinning out please." There are always quite a few accidents after the first snow. Most people around here agree that half of the drivers are going way too slow and half of them are like "yee-ha, I gots me some 4 wheel drive, I'ma do 90 on the highway, not afraid of no snow." For the first time in my driving years, I have a garage to park in and I'm so thankful! Of course now there's also a driveway to shovel, but whatever it's a trade-off.

So... we've finally watched a few episodes of "My Name is Earl" to see what all the hubbub is about. It's pretty good, and I like Jamie Pressly. She's great at playing the bitchy kind of roles, cracks me up and I think she's dang ol' purty in a differnt kinda way. She's also in a couple silly movies that I like - "Joe Dirt" and "Not Another Teenage Movie". But anyways, yeah - you guys were right, it's a funny show. I like "The Office" too, so that works out well since it comes on right after. I've got a lot of TV to catch up on, so I think the only solution is to take a couple days off of work (coughs weakly). But don't tell anyone I told you.

So... to review: boobs - pretty good, winter - not so good, TV - good, but need more time to get reacquainted in order to give an accurate review.

I don't know how

Lately, I feel about as interesting as a piece of cardboard. I've been too tired to think very clearly. I'm kicking myself for the stuff I didn't get done this weekend, but at least we did keep busy. It will stay that way for awhile, and there will be less time for me to feel worried and useless. So now, the feelings come back to me while I'm at work and it's quiet. It really isn't fair to myself or the people around me, but mostly I keep it subdued.
For some reason, one of my boobs has been tingly, sorta itchy from the inside the last couple days. What's up with that? It looks normal enough, and if it was a skin irritation from detergent or lotion or something, why wouldn't it affect both boobs? Who knows. Maybe it's a very late growth spurt... heh, I could hope but probably not. So yeah... just don't mind me if I have to grab my breasts more than usual. Good thing I usually don't have people very closeby while I'm at work.
Sometimes I think I'm almost a hypochondriac, but then I think that really I'm not, I'm just a worrier. If I was, I suppose I would want to be called a hypochondriac because maybe there would be some sort of relief in saying what my affliction was. I don't really want to know what all is going on inside me. I'm chalking it up to anxiety.
I don't think this is going anywhere worthwhile. Cardboard, I tell ya.

Girlish babble

I'm eating a vacuum-packed turkey sandwich for lunch from the gas station. I sure as hell hope this was supposed to be sourdough bread! Guhh.

We finally watched "Sin City" last night. We've had it rented from Netflix for about 2 months now. Anyways, it was pretty good. Interesting. A few things were a little disturbing or were just kind of ridiculous, but they managed to break it up enough so that it wasn't too painful to watch. It was really well done. And I'm sorry to get all girly here, but.... Clive Owen? My hero! Mrrrowww. So intense. And fucking hot as usual. Mmmm... bend me in unthinkable ways with those strong, steady hands. Press your weight onto me, making me lose my breath. Cover my mouth with yours. I can take it like a good girl. Let me push the hair out of your eyes so I can look into them while you.... ohhh, fuck. This is not a good time to get worked up. Ahem. Sorry about that.

In other not so noteworthy news, I'm a dork. I mean, I already was, but am becoming even more so. Blah. I'm afraid that I'm "letting myself go" and it aint pretty. It's bad when you spend all this time in the morning getting ready, and then look at yourself and say "damn, well...I guess that's the best I can do." I need a haircut, my hair is getting long and the layers now look a little too shaggy. Need to have it recolored too, I'm not sure if I will go with the "Champagne Blonde" or "Brazilian Brown" that I've already got at home. I could use a makeover. I look so untogether. I never have hip footwear or put the right outfits together. I feel frumpy and outdated. Then again, I don't like taking advice on what to wear. I just need to put more effort into it. Yeah, it's vain and shallow but it would help my confidence.

Must be under a ham & cheese moon...

Virgo August 23 - September 22
"Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold."

I just checked my horoscope on The Onion and for once, it is so like me! Hot Pockets are usually my microwavable lunch of choice. People may scoff, but come on, that's some good eats!

Homos! Err, I mean homeowners

It was a long and busy weekend of moving and cleaning. I'm a little tired and bruised, but other than that I'm feeling good.
I feel rejuvenated. I was juvenated before, lost it... and then got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!*
So now I have the motivation, I just need more money. Yeah, I know - who doesn't? I don't expect us to have top of the line things**, at least not right away, but there's so much I want to buy for the home. I'm thinking now about stuff that I never cared about before: decorating, painting, yardwork, gardening, snow removal, etc. So many things to consider, but on a budget that can't be stretched too far.
On another note, I find myself a bit depressed when I see the holiday displays and hear the Christmas music in the stores lately. Something about a time that is supposed to be so happy seems awfully stressful. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's difficult when the family is spread out, and no matter what - someone always seems disappointed. Really what I would like is to stay at home. I really don't like to travel, especially when the weather is shitty. Plus it's the first Christmas in our new home! While I'd like to just skip the season altogether, some bartering, arguing and crying is probably inevitable. Maybe for once it won't be that way, but every year there seems to be a big argument between my mom and I, and the whole thing sucks. Even when it's "your decision" really the only "right" decision is to do what your family wants to do, or else you're a selfish little brat. Ughhh, why am I getting into all this now? What a downer.
Well, I look forward to checking in on your blogs and will write and comment when I can. It just might take a little longer til we're all settled, have the computer set up and all that stuff.


* modified quote from Pootie Tang

**but we did get a fancy shmancy new TV!

Nervous much?

For a blog being called "Nervous Thoughts", I'm not sure how much I've actually written about being nervous. But I'd rather not change the title to "Thoughts of General Malaise" or something like that, although... hmm, I think I'll keep that one on the back burner.

So, what happens to you when you get nervous? For me, it can be any combination of these symptoms:

• butterflies, or in more severe cases, badgers fighting in my stomach
• clenching or chattering teeth
• frequent need to use the bathroom
• inability to eat, or eating too quickly
  
• shaky hands
• sweaty palms
• throbbing feeling in my head, tingly feeling in arms (raised blood pressure)
• being extremely quiet, or speaking too quickly to be coherent
• getting jumpy and skittish
• running my hands through my hair, pulling on my hair

Another one is how I walk while nervous. I'm way too conscious of it, therefore I imagine it can look quite unnatural, like I'm teaching myself to walk with unfamiliar body parts. Like I've suddenly got plastic Barbie legs. I don't know what they have now, but back when I was playing with Barbies, I think they either had the hollow plastic legs or the rubbery bendable kind. It was supposed to be cool to be able to bend Barbie's knees, but you'd sometimes bend them too far or your brother would bend them backwards, which would cause her to pop her kneecap and rip the "skin" open. Poor Barbie. First that haircut and then a permanent disability on top of it. Plus, she couldn't afford the pink Barbie Corvette and got laughed at for her yellow Camaro knock-off. Yeah, she had a tough life...

Anyways, I'm growing more nervous as we get closer to the closing on our house (tomorrow). It doesn't take much for me to get nervous, but in this case I think it's natural - it's a pretty big thing after all! At least part of it is just being anxiously excited more than being scaredy-pants nervous. Woo hoo!

Joy of doodling

I came across this doodle from 1996. Never was too big on painting. Or sketching. But doodling, man - that was my thing. Sorta was theraputic for me in a way. It's sort of funny how my perspective has changed in some ways, yet in others it has stayed the same. My old journals from that time look pretty silly now, but some of it really isn't all that different. But it's kinda good to look back and see that at the time, when I thought life was so horrible and hopeless, it really wasn't all bad. Not all the time. And I got through it then, and I will now. It'll be okay. I guess even when my emotions only seem to be varying shades of gray, I'm never very far from either end of the spectrum: dark fades into light, and not too good inevitably turns into not too bad.

Sick of Myself

I've got a winning combination of emotions today - self-loathing, disgusted, bored and horny. Don't you love when that happens? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I just have to wait for it to pass and continue to be bland and predictable. I don't like it when I'm like this and I don't blame others for getting fed up with me. But I figured that at least here on this blog, I'm somewhere that I shouldn't have to pretend. Still, I wish I had something better to say! I think I'll just read your blogs instead.

Halloween Song of the Day

I can see why my oldest brother introduced me to Ministry by loaning me "12 Inch Singles" first. It's more synth-poppy and a bit easier on the ears than their later stuff, and has the angsty lyrics that I so enjoyed. Still a favorite from my small collection of industrial music.

Everyday is Halloween - Ministry

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is Halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

Bad radio

So, with the TV on the fizzle and most of our CDs packed, and due to sheer laziness, we've been listening to a lot of poop, err pop radio lately. I have my guilty pleasures, but damn, there's a lot of shit music out there.

- I could live without ever hearing that whiney-ass Frankie J again.
- Usher just pisses me off. Shut up.
- What's up with the new Black Eyed Peas song? I had to look up the lyrics and yes, she really is saying "lovely lady lumps" ummm, is that supposed to be the new catch phrase? Because all I can picture is your disease-ridden naughty parts.
- Neither of us can listen to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West without getting up and shaking our booties. In the privacy of our home, of course.
- Although she seems to be hangin with more homies lately, it appears that Mariah Carey has lost her soul. He corrected me by saying that she never really seemed to have one, and is more of an emotionless puppet.
- The "rock" songs they play are few and far between, and then it's just wussy bullshit like Nickelback and whatever the fuck all the other ones are called.
- I don't know why, but I like Ciara. She's freaky and I just find her funny for some reason. But I'd rather watch her videos to see her crazy dance moves.

I'm sure I'll add more to this list. What radio songs piss you off lately?

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last night. Sorry I don't yet have something more cheerful or um, good to share...
I've been going through my old notebooks again. It's interesting to come across things I don't remember and having all those feelings come back to me. Below is something I came across that I wrote about 10 years ago, and I'm guessing it was most likely written when I started taking Prozac. For some people, it can tend to have the side effect of making them more depressed and suicidal at first and I think that was the case with me. Then again, we have to consider that I was a teenager and thought I was "deep"....

I feel the fear that you call weakness. I live the popular lie of disillusionment, and even that gets old. But what I ask is, how can I believe in anything when my mind is only a clean blank slate for you to write your ideas on? Everywhere I turn, the beliefs turn into fear and I wonder why the hell am I here? In present tense, I just need something so I can sleep at night. Maybe we all do. And to believe in your non-beliefs would still be wrong to you if it was true, because they would be your words and not mine. The fear is always here, of a fate worse than death. So I turn to suicide so I can be in control, so I can get to me before you can. And it's not to say it's your fault, but your eyes are boring into my skull and now I'm thinking your thoughts because you have written them there. And what am I supposed to do? I just want to sleep at night and know that I'll wake up. And to get by in this world I have to believe in lies or else be persecuted from all sides.