Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Back to bidniss and crabby as a mofo

This is why I never liked depriving myself of things. It leads to this quiet, seething anger turned inward. On my quest to be a better person, instead of feeling cheerful and positive, inside I feel a mix of furious and sad. Why did I have to set myself up with this stupid reward system anyway? Yes, I suppose I am always in need of a crutch or a pat on the back. Now, quitting smoking seems like a lonely (and cruel) world. It feels like ex-smokers and non-smokers and current smokers are all equally non-sympathetic. Then again, I just haven't found much reassurance in anything anyone has had to say. Before I felt like smoking was a lonely world. It seemed like it was getting gradually less and less acceptable. Restaurants, the few that still allow smoking, give the smokers the shitty section. Non-smokers glared at me when I was standing outside, making me hang my head in shame. People would sometimes recoil and start fanning their hands furiously if the smoke blew their way. (I will not let myself become one of those people.) My boyfriend quit over the summer so I know it's been bugging him that I've still been smoking, even though he's been quiet about it for the most part. The smell on my clothes and hair had been bugging me. But still...
I feel angry, at myself mostly. But actually, you know - I do feel angry just in general. Because I'm not one of those people who feels great about denying themself of something. I can and I have, and I don't like it. But there's this idea that that's the only way we're "good" people. And if I wasn't so "bad" it wouldn't be so hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but I think perhaps it's harder for me because I have a shitty attitude, ya know? Ha, yeah. Well, it's just the 10th day, so we'll see how that goes. I'd like to make up for the lack of rewarding myself by eating more, but I just can't. I already felt like crap about myself, and now that the stomach flu gave me a headstart on losing weight, I feel like I can't screw it up this time. So here I am. I feel like I need a new fix. Fuck willpower. Fuck being back to work. Fuckin Fuck Fuck Shit!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're awesome and I love you, smoker or no. Tonight we celebrate with fine mexican dining and cocktails!

- J

girlfiend said...

Boyfiend quit smoking 3 years before I did. I hated that I smoked and he didn't even though he never complained.

10 days is a long time. Good for you.

swirly girl said...

My friend, Allen tried to give up smoking once. Then we were together one night and I see him reach for his cigs, so I quirk the Swirly Girl Eyebrow. He says, "No one likes a quitter".

What a freakin' smart ass.

Not that this comment is in anyway designed to get you to "fall off the wagon" as it were.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Jeez, people with their cancer and their emphyzema and their heart disease . . . the bottom line is that smoking is cool and you know it!

Yossarian said...

nah fuck that. new year resolutions suck balls. if youre a smoker, its because you enjoy smoking...be resolute about that shit. go to the gym and see how a gym makes its money. 12 people work out a day and 300,000 join every january because this is the year they get in shape. look, if working our was more enjoyable to you than cheesecake then you would have stopped by in the past 47 years. be fat, be happy. smoke.

i wasnt saying youre fat, i was just making an analogy

Blinky said...

Good luck with it, I already failed that resolution for the new year. At least if there's ever a mass epidemic that leaves all nicotine users immune to it's terrible effects, we'll be the ones laughing.

Nervous Girl said...

Thanks for the support in both directions, people...

Just to clarify, it wasn't exactly a New Year's resolution. I don't really believe in those so much because you'll only change if YOU really want to, when you're ready - whenever that is. Most resolutions are just bullshit that doesn't happen cause people just feel like they had to at the same time as everyone else. For me, the timing is just coincidental and this is all because of having the flu and not being able to smoke during that time anyway, so I got a headstart on it. To each their own and whatnot.

megan said...

I'm really proud of you for the ten days, as those first ten have got to be the worst. I've never been a smoker, but I know about that feeling of trying to give something up. The hopelessness of realizing that life feels somewhat colorless without it. Just got to get over that hump. I'm rooting for you.....

Nervous Girl said...

Megan - thanks! I was just thinking of you, glad you're still coming by and sharing your thoughts. :)

Anonymous said...

when people cough or wave there hands in front of there face my middle fingur sometimes goes up and I dont know why. I think its a twitch or something when I smoke. My be I have terets sp? Becouse if the middle ingur doesnt go up a FU come out of my mouth in a very loud way. Humm think i should have a doctor look at that.

-Ray