Monday, January 23, 2006

Dumb

Okay, so I like to read and I like to listen. I've got a sometimes surprisingly good long term memory, believe it or not. However, my short-term memory sucks. But still, we've almost got the basics down here for a learning experience, right? Well, it's embarrassing because apparently not. I used to be so good at picking things up quickly, understanding, I used to even be part of the smarter kids in school... well, up until about 10th grade. It was a harder transition then because I had come off like I had potential up until that point. So I was even more of a disappointment when I just stopped caring - about school, about myself, my future, etc. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm unable to understand things like I used to, I'm unable to learn like I used to. Like now at work, my job isn't even that hard but I find it terribly difficult to find the will to concentrate. And I'm embarrassed when I'm in a situation where people give me that look, you know, the frustrated god-you're-a-dumbass look when really I want to scream "I wasn't always like this! I used to be like you!" And I'm embarrassed that it's mostly because of all the drugs and not giving a fuck that I'm just not the same, and maybe I never will be.

4 comments:

Blush said...

omg i totally feel that.
i know why your short-term memory sucks...hehe

sorry i havent dropped that email on ya...ive been terribly busy...one day soon!

megan said...

Oh God, do I ever know what you mean...
Sometimes, I look around and feel as though I am the ONLY person who isn't understanding some concept or other. The world seems filled with these breezily confident people, all radiating casual understanding of everything that comes their way. And I've seen my fair share of the god-you're-a-dumb-ass looks. Like you, I have to stop myself from screaming out something about being in gifted classes in elementary school. Resting on the laurels of my ten year old self.
From my observations, you are articulate and thoughtful. Creative and sensitive. A thorough, organic thinker. You can't be all those things and a dope too. Learning probably takes a little longer because it's a process that is not that linear for you. I bet you're smarter than you ever were. You are just harder on yourself now.

Nervous Girl said...

blush - that's okay, I'm just glad you're still around and that you understand!

megan - your observations flatter me, thank you so much! I guess we all have our strengths and even though I annoy myself I'd rather be like this than one of those people who always got the best grades but had no personality and no understanding of other people. Perhaps learning is kind of like a muscle that I let get weak, but somewhere in me is the capacity to make it strong again.

Blush said...

mos def