Ooh, clearance. Gimme.

Hi there.

Yeah, I haven't had much to blog about lately and I've been sick. Cough. Sniffle. Hork.

You know what I've been doing a lot of lately? Online bargain browsing. Ohh yeah. Not even shopping, really - because once I get to the point of actually selecting something and adding on the shipping costs, my palms start sweating and I back out. How lame is that? But I know myself, and I get wicked buyer's remorse - probably just decision-making remorse in general. Seriously, it's bad. Like going to some drive-thru restaurant and ordering a combo meal and then scolding myself by the time I get up to the window for not ordering off the value menu and pissed that I went impulsively with the chicken when I initially was going to get a burger and now it's too late and I'm fucked - that kind of bad. Once in a while, in certain situations, this almost-buying-something panic works to my advantage. You'd think it would make me a really smart shopper. Not necessarily true. I think I've just been so used to only bargain-hunting and the thrill of seeing a red clearance sticker that I haven't really allowed myself to chose quality over quantity. I mean, I can't afford to get TOO carried away with "quality", but damnit I can spend more than $10 on a bra that fits - I CAN. I mean, I can - right? Damn, I've got shopping issues.

Another note to add to my shopping rant - after spending time in malls and other obnoxious stores the last couple weekends - complete with bad air circulation, farting customers with no regards for "personal space", giggling and/or whining teenagers (the latter if they were shopping with mom for a prom dress - ugh), and salesclerks who would just as soon stab you than wait on you - the whole online shopping thing is looking a whole lot better to me. And you know what? A lot of online stores even have my beloved clearance sections - yes, it's like a clearance rack, but it's *online*! Woo hoo! I am ON it! Watch out, I'm a noob who just learned how to shop the internets! (I'm right up there with your grandma, I know.)

Wake me up when it's really spring

What's going on? What is this shit? Where are the updates? How much longer can we all smile and nod at the backside of this cat?

So it was winter, then it was spring for like two weeks - I almost came out of hibernation - and now it's winter again. Bullshit. Thanks a lot, Al Gore - we get your point. Now enough of this cold and snow crap already.

I shopped quite a bit over the weekend, didn't get much. Some of the mall stores just make me feel old and hateful. I'm starting to believe that what I've been denying is true: it's not the stores, it's not the clothes, it's me. I am the problem. I do not fit. I remember when clothes that flattered were easy to find. I remember when the styles were geared toward my demographic. And I remember having a body that I wasn't completely ashamed of! But alas, that was some time ago. That's a depressing fucking wake-up call.

I have a big ol' list of albums that I want to pick up. Man, I am behind on music because whenever I think that something "just came out" it's usually been out for 2 years already. I just got the new Shins album, and now my shopping-frenzied mind is on the new(ish) albums I've been sampling by Air, Zero 7, Jason Mraz, Jamiroquai (yes, Jamiroquai), Joss Stone, Keane, Aqualung, Modest Mouse and who knows what else just waiting out there to be had. Gimme gimme! Ah, I miss the grand old days of working at a [cheap] music store.

I think I'm coming down with a cold. It's about to be chicken soup time up in here. Aw yeah.

Not just any old cat butt

As they'd say on Cute Overload, would you just look at the furry 'tocks on this one? It's like he's sportin' some ultra-soft whitey-tighties.



- Yep, that's just catnip at his feet
- and yes, apparently most of our stuff is beige(!?) - but the cat does blend in quite nicely, dontcha think?

I told ya I was trouble

Yeah, that's right - I'm old as hell! Well, comparatively...
So I added a new CD (yeah, I got it all legit from a store and everything!) to my collection, it's by Amy Winehouse. She's pretty badass, but other than that I don't know how to describe her really. She's British, and at first I thought she was like a Nelly Furtado but with edge, but I'm sure that doesn't do her justice. The music has kind of a jazzy, old-school R&B feel sometimes, and her voice tends to remind me of Lauryn Hill but with even more 'tude. Anyway. Here's a link to her video "Rehab" which is one of the catchiest tracks on the album. Oh! But the whole point was that I got CARDED before the girl (probably high-school age) would even ring it up! I'm assuming because it had an explicit lyrics sticker on it? Pshht. Bollocks, I say!

Snarky "Idol" Notes
Ok, last time I mentioned it, I was a bit harsh on Gwen Stefani. She was pretty nice and subdued with the coaching though. It's too bad that the people who did choose her songs picked the worst possible ones - I think even she thought so. And apparently no one has ever heard The Cure's "Lovesong" as performed by 311? Because that's all that Blake did - and not even very well, so please quit telling him he's so fresh and original. But unfortunately, one of my personal faves, Chris Richardson (you know - the Timberlake wannabe) wasn't too impressive either. I was also sort of hoping that Haley would start maybe doing better - but her performance was totally WEAK, and I'm starting to think she's probably kind of a bitch. I'm actually liking Phil more and more - as long as I just forget about that revolting Leann Rimes song he did a while back. And I already told you I wouldn't really miss Chris Sligh if he left, I was surprised other people felt the same way.

Thinly-Veiled Criticisms
They're right up there with back-handed compliments. Don't do it. Just don't. Especially around me, because I'm fucking paranoid and self-conscious and on the lookout for criticisms anyway. Some people may think they can do this cleverly, but it's usually just immature and obnoxious. Example: Former friend & co-worker, whose hobby was inflicting as much psychological grief on others as possible (um, yeah - I have no better name for her) would say things loudly to other people, but in my direction, such as "well the only color I can't stand is pink - I HATE pink, I don't know how ANYONE could wear it" knowing full well that I'm standing right there with a pink shirt on. Ahaha! Good one, bitch! What're we in, 4th grade? Oh, her comments got better than that, but it's one of the most blatant remarks that came to mind. So when my boss goes on for half an hour about what a lazy piece of crap his cousin (seemingly nice guy, btw) is because he sleeps in on the weekends (God forbid!) and is too selfish to have children, therefore has no purpose in life, (don't get me started!) I will of course, think that it's the same kind of shit he thinks about me. And now that I write it out, I don't care so much - just proves that he's the kind of dick who feels better about himself saying shit like that about other people. Nevermind.

Hold your horses

My dreams have just been rich with action-packed nonsense lately. If I'm not having some sort of nightmare, then it still has to be something ridiculous and/or frustrating. Like trying to jack off two guys at the same time, but one is saying "faster" while the other one is insisting "slow down" and realizing that I'm really not ambidextrous after all, so somebody's out of luck.

My head hurts when it's rainy out, like today

• Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? Did things get weird? Do people even do that anymore these days? There was a guy on the side of the road with a sign that said "airport" yesterday on my way to work and I felt horribly guilty because I was going right past the airport, but didn't stop. But you know, I have to say that whole unabomber look he had going on didn't help his chances.
• My man brought home some Mayan Chocolate Haagen Dazs last night (because yeah, he RULES!) I normally don't get too excited about chocolate ice cream, but it's dark chocolate, plus it has a gooey ripple and cinnamon in it - it was different and actually quite tasty.
• And for the usual American Idol notes: I don't think I'd miss Chris Sligh or Gina Glocksen too much if either of them got the boot, along with the obligatory Sanjaya. But you know, I do think that last night Sanjaya really did "bring it" as much as he possibly could, and at least he let go a little bit - not to say that made the singing much better. I'm not as big a fan of Haley's as I had been earlier in the competition, but like everyone says she did look pretty foxy up there. I kept wondering if we were going to get a glimpse of some side-boob in that shirt - nope! Right now, I'm really hoping Jordin Sparks stays up there as one of the top contenders. And my god, did they get enough shots of that starstruck girl crying in the audience? But I remember that feeling and probably would've done the same thing - but then again I'd nearly hyperventilate even over boys in the highschool talent show.
  
• Our cat has The Softest belly fur ever. And he'll even let you pet it without attacking your hand, unless he's really pissed off.
  
• Yep, I really am this boring.
  

Someone's got dirty ears!

Well, we'll see how much the sweet kitty likes us after 2 frickin weeks of ear medicine twice a day. He's been really good about it so far though, considering. Can't say I wouldn't be a little pissed about having a bunch of refrigerated oily medicine dropped into my ears either - ughh!

We've pretty much decided on the name "Jonesy" for him. Though I do think "Mr. Furley" would be a pretty damn cute cat name too, though I'd probably be worried if he really had much resemblance to Don Knotts (no offense to the deceased, but you know what I mean.) But anyway, I'm just silly like that.

I'm not sure if I like this stage of American Idol that much. I mean, I guess a lot of them picked pretty shitty songs to begin with but at least they knew the songs a bit better that way when they weren't confined to certain selections. Still, I can see how that may keep the competition exciting. If the kids are going to work with Bon Jovi that should be um, kind of interesting - just don't let them do any songs off that most recent album PLEASE. Oh and you'll probably hate me for saying this, but how the fuck is Gwen Stefani going to coach anyone? Unless they all really need advice about how to perform with the expression of a bratty, pouting 4 year old. Will Chris Sligh try to be funny and pain us with his take on "I'm Just A Girl"? I guess Chris Richardson could probably kick it with "Hella Good" (but more likely my lesser favorite Blake Lewis would take that one) and maybe the girls could sing some of her other songs better than the original, so maybe that would be entertaining after all. But alright, I'll digress with my grumblings and just see what happens.

Did I ever tell you that one of my former coworkers would repeatedly call Justin Timberlake "Jason Timbaland"? That would crack me up every time. She'd also refer to Kurt Cobain as Kirk Colburn or something like that. We were joking about that last night while watching... what's his name? Bryan Seachest? Anyway, maybe it was funnier after throwing back a few.

Alright, I'm even boring myself at this point. See ya.

It's a cat!

Would you just look at our new fuzzy friend? We just got him yesterday afternoon and already he's warmed up to us (and the loveseat) quite nicely. Very laid back and snuggly. His name is yet to be decided. He is just so cool, and we are so happy to have him. Yay!

Random birding

This note for my boss pretty much explains the excitement I had at the office Friday - because really, that's about how exciting it gets. One of the fun things about having the office in an old house I suppose. Of course, when I'm alone has to be when this stuff happens. That might be a good thing, as I don't exactly trust the other occupants here to be as humane in those situations. I have no idea how the bird got in or how long he had been chillin' in the fake plants, but that sure woke me up when I walked by and it fluttered over my head! But hey, at least it didn't poop on me.

There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you

I don't know. Just haven't been feelin it lately. I thought I wanted to explain my feelings, but then again I don't really want to show you how stupid they are. More than I already do. Blah.

We went to a couple pet adoption events this weekend. It was craziness. And by that I mean the people, not so much the pets. Still no cat to call my own, but I haven't lost hope. In fact I've invested way too much time into getting my hopes up even when it's not really necessary. Trying not to be discouraged. We'll find the right one, or the right one will find us. I just need to be patient.

Please let this winter crap be over soon.

Shortened version of my two cents even though it doesn't matter at this point

This is the first season that I've been watching American Idol, for the most part. Oh shutup, I need something to look forward to, damnit! Anyway, I had started doing a overly-detailed recap of the last two night's performances, but for your sake and mine I'll try to shorten that up a bit and just comment on some of them. Okay, most of them. Here's my rundown:

Jared Cotter - yeah, dedicating "Let's Get It On" to your folks is pretty um, awkward? So was the song performance. He's alright but I think he'd do better as an underwear model or something.

AJ Tabaldo - now he's a pretty darn good singer, but the moves he does make me feel sort of embarrassed for him. I think he'll do well, but I just hope he doesn't do that shaking his arms over his head thing anymore.

Sanjaya Malakar - wow, that was just really weak. It seems like he's a nice kid with nice teeth and all, but I almost wonder if he's purposely failing out of guilt for his sister not making it. He really doesn't seem like he's giving it his all, or he's just not good at conveying emotion. I was surprised he made it after last time, and really wonder if he'll be around after tonight.

Nick Pedro - he did okay, but I really hated all the corny shots where they cut to the drummer during his song. Pfft. He's pretty cute, and that was a pretty good song choice for him - but he just doesn't have the vocal talent that some of the others have.

Blake Lewis - everyone seems to be on this guy's nuts in love with him. You know, I want to like him, but last week he did a really weak "Somewhere Only We Know" and this week he did "Virtual Insanity" - both of which are songs that I like, and I just don't think he did them as well as they gave him credit for, or that he gave himself credit for. Sure he's got the novelty of beat-boxing, but his singing could use some help. Still, I'm sure he'll stay in the competition for quite a while.

Chris Richardson - that was my favorite performance of the night. I missed him last week, so I didn't really know the extent of how well this guy can sing and perform. I want to hear more of him.

Gina Glocksen - you know, I've tried singing that "Alone" song on our American Idol Karaoke game at home, and it is a tough one. But I think she thought so too, because up until the end she was sort of shortening/skipping over all the tough notes that she could've really shown off with. But, I like her more than I did last week.

Alaina Alexander - she's a great flirt and really cute, but she just doesn't have the stamina or something, because again she sounds like she's running out of breath when she performs. A lot better than last week, but I wonder how much longer she'll stay.

Lakisha Jones - represent! Didn't really bring it like she did last week, but it goes without saying she has got one hell of a strong voice.

Melinda Doolittle - yep, she's a sweetheart and very modest about being one of the best singers there. But they've given shit to other girls about age, and I'm sorta surprised they haven't mentioned this one looking and sounding like she's 45. Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just sayin.

Antonella Barba - I don't even want to talk about her supposed "scandal" - she's just not that great of a singer and hasn't been from the beginning. But hey, she did hit the high note of that awful song and it was better than butchering Aerosmith last week. Don't worry about her - she can always do modeling instead.

Stephanie Edwards - I didn't like the song this time, but she's probably still safe. And they're right - she can do a hella-good Beyonce imitation.

Leslie Hunt - I don't know why exactly, but I just want to smack this girl. She's kind of one of those girls that has been given way too much positive reinforcement (probably from daddykins - just watch him shooting daggers at any negative comment from the judges) to be like "I'm FUNNY! I'm SPECIAL and different! Don't you get it? I am so wacky and funny - lookit me! Woo woo! Hahaha I am so great!" But still, it was way better than last week. Even though she did a song that's already been DONE recently. Feh.

Haley Scarnato - I think this girl is hot (or she could be), and I felt bad for her last week so I see why she wanted to do a really different style of song to show that she wasn't all "cabaret" or whatever they said. That didn't mean she had to pick an awful song though! Hopefully she'll be able to redeem herself.

My guesses as to who will be voted off? Or who probably should be? I'm gonna have to go with Sanjaya, Brandon, Alaina and Antonella. But I don't usually do well with guessing what the general public wants. We'll see!

- Update: Damn, I only guessed one right! I think everyone was a little surprised at a couple choices of who was safe to stay. And I feel kinda bad for my bitchy comments, because it is sad when any of them has to leave and they do all have somethin or another going for them. Ah well, they'll all be fine and successful I'm sure. I think Sanjaya was about as surprised as I was that he didn't get the boot! I'm tellin ya, I think he wants to go home at this point! Also, it was odd that the 2 peeps who sang the same song were both voted off. Thought Nick was a great sport about his dismissal. And damn, did they get in enough shots of Sundance crying last night?

Do you have to let it linger?

Have you ever even heard of, much less drank, Ten High Whiskey? Yeah, no - you need to look further down on the liquor shelves. There you go. Anyway, it came highly recommended to us so what choice do we have but to drink it, right? It's best if you just take a deep breath and swallow it as quickly as possible without trying to taste it. (That's what she said.) Then feel the fire. And later, while burping, wonder if the term "sour mash" means it was made from sour mashed rotten bananas. No, no really - you should try it.

A nice note to tack on after that is that I'm having a really hard time dealing, just with life right now. But when am I not? And when am I not telling you about it? I know, I'm sick of it too. So to throw myself into something that would make me happy, I've been looking around, okay maybe a bit obsessively, at pets online who are up for adoption and falling in love at first sight with cats that I don't even know, who might already have been adopted by now (because it was hard to tell how often these sites get updated.) And I've been wanting to go and fill up a shopping cart full of these sweet little kitties, and a few of the dogs too. But. I really should hold myself back and try to be rational. Plus, at nearly $100 a pop (to include their medical fees), it's not even feasible that I can go on some kind of pet shopping spree. We'll see. There are a couple adoption events this weekend, maybe we'll go check them out. Also, it would probably be good for me to consider doing something admirable like Fluffy Cat does and volunteer or help out somehow with a local animal shelter or rescue program. Maybe I should allow us more time to mourn. I just don't know.

Also, is it really so bad to have your cats front-declawed if you are planning on keeping them as an inside cat? I didn't realize there is so much opposition to that, but I've only ever had indoor cats who were already front-declawed when we got them.

"Workin wit me: fire n' ice"

Yesterday I was thinking that sheesh, I'm 28 years old and I still don't think I'm ready to deal with the real world. I get incredibly pissed off with situations at work and just don't know how to handle them - end up coming off as passive/aggressive and it's just not good. And then of course, I don't leave things at work but take it all personal and let it bother me when I'm home. I need to desensitize myself a bit.

BUT at least when I was sitting there thinking I should just bite my tongue and/or swallow my pride, I thought "hey - at least I do have a bit of pride to swallow, when I would've thought I had none at all."

So, that's something. I guess.

Gravity

Having a tough time pulling myself out of the muck. February usually tends to be a crap month for me anyway. But today the sun is shining and it's in the 30s, so by God I should be a little perked up by that. Still there's that nagging undercurrent of sadness, negativity and all that fun stuff pulling at me. Sometimes it's like I'm treading water - just barely staying afloat but not really getting anywhere. But anyway.

Our beloved cat passed away this weekend. She hadn't been doing too well for quite some time, and she was an estimated 14 years old (we've owned her for about 5 of those years) so of course we knew this was coming, but it still hurts so much to say goodbye to a pet. You know how it is. She brought us a lot of happiness though, more than I can properly explain here, and the memories will not be forgotten. When we first got her, her former owners had said she "just doesn't purr" and it didn't take long for us to prove them wrong. Aww. Such a wonderful cat. Our cat. She will be missed, to say the least.

Habby Baledtide's Day!

May your Valentine's Day be frost-free, pleasant-smelling, snuggly-soft, non-toxic, easy-to-operate, sexually-gratifying, low-brow, highly-inebriating, self-cleaning, flavor-enhanced, and minimally-invasive.

(With a low occurrence of unpleasant side-effects such as weakness, nausea, nervousness, irritability and loss of bladder-control.)

Well then, they don't like you either

To each their own and all, but these people (yeah, those people) who are indifferent to animals perplex me. I mean, it's not like we're all morally obligated to own lots of pets or rescue little critters or be interested in every kind of animal. And sure, there are reasons why people might not be able to have pets in their living situation. But just not liking ANY animals, in general? Couldn't care less if they existed or not? Have you experienced this? Do you know these people? I guess I just wonder if there is some underlying reason. A couple people that I've known who have this attitude have terrible allergies, which explains why they never really got the chance to bond with an animal, but they also seemed to develop a contempt for them. Doesn't matter if it's a cat, dog, bird, turtle, koala (how can you possibly hate a koala?) etc. Like, they wouldn't hit the brakes if one was crossing the road, and wouldn't understand why a person would be upset about the loss of a family pet, and don't understand why anyone would keep them around. To me, it just seems really cold and I have to admit, it sort of changes my perception of that person. Ahem. (Points at office across the hall)
But, then again, that might be how people feel about me when I tell them I have no interest in sports.

Sometimes it's like I'm not even here

Yes, I'm pouting and
yes I realize that it's somewhat ridiculous
and doesn't help anything.
BUT.
I'm telling you, dear internets, anyway.
Most of the time I don't mind just blending in
to the point of being nearly nonexistent.
Most of the time I don't mind being someone's sounding board -
most of the time what they have to say is more interesting/important anyway.
BUT.
Sometimes
I just want to scream
Damnit,
am
I
really
so
invisible,
or
just
conveniently
negligible
to you?

neg·li·gi·ble
adjective
so small, trifling, or unimportant that it may safely be neglected or disregarded

Raargh!

(and um... sorry for that pouty vertical rant)

Sunburst & Snowblind

Well, the winter storm advisory is over, but picking up where that left off is a wind-chill advisory (it's 10 below but the wind-chill is at a painful 30 below) - which means you best bundle that ass up, for reals now!

We stayed in all weekend, not that we HAD to, but who wants to go out in this shit when you've got food, booze, and all the comforts of home right there, you know?

This morning was a frigid, white-knuckled drive in to work but it's been worse. You get really thankful for spots where you can actually see the road. And stop. Very grateful for stopping abilities.

I finished reading Fear of Flying by Erica Jong and I have to say I really enjoyed it. Sex, relationships, psychoanalysis and insight = good stuff. Even though I think this was originally published in '73 and was quite "shocking" at the time, it's really held up over the years, and even though it doesn't seem so controversial now, it's just a great read. I think a lot of you blogging buddies would enjoy it too. But you probably already knew that, it just shows I've got a lot of catching up to do on books I've wanted to read for years.

I need more coffee. And maybe a couple of pipin' hot burritos to put in my shoes. Brr!

And You Know It Don't Come Easy

I don't feel right. Has the unhappiness settled into a ball in my stomach? Because it hurts from somewhere below my chest all the way down. Last night was awful, and I remember not feeling too well the previous evening either, but it subsides a bit in the morning. I want to say it's different than the tummy problems I've had before, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's a premonition. Maybe it's nothing.

This is really pathetic, but I'll say it anyway. I feel like I'm pining for this sense of normalcy that I perceive other adults as having. Of course, my perception has been known to be skewed. Even though my life has come a long way from how it was even 5 years ago, I don't feel like I'm there yet. I just want to get to this ideal I have of being "comfortable" which really just includes things that are nothing to most people. Like, when your car has something wrong with it - you just take it to the shop, no question. Or your husband just takes care of it. It's not like you probably had money saved and set aside just for that, but you KNOW that it will be taken care of somehow without meaning that all your other bills will have to go unpaid. And it will be worth it to fix because it's a relatively good car. Or you just go to the dentist twice a year, even when nothing is wrong, because that's just what people do. Or I should say, that's what people with dental insurance do. Oh and they definitely wouldn't be wearing old glasses or contacts either. But, before I go to off the deep end, I know and have to remember that things could be much worse. Hell, they were a whole lot worse. We're never short on food, or shelter, or even home entertainment. And I know most of the time people don't reach that state of comfort that I'm thinking of overnight. That's why they work hard at bettering themselves. I know. I just feel like I'm really far behind in a race that I'm not even qualified to participate in. Don't be offended. I know it doesn't come easy. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes wish that it would, though!

I'll take my music uncensored and my pants untapered, thanks

Oh you know, same ol' same ol' over here. The dull headache that comes with Mondays is in effect and I'm just gonna ramble to you...

Irish Creme was not a good coffee choice. I don't know about you, but while I do enjoy some flavored creamers in my coffee, I'm almost always disappointed when the coffee itself is flavored. Huh.

The hair-coloring hiatus I had been on for a year is now over (not just because of the boss/gray hair incident, but that was a painful helpful reminder) and thanks to the fiance's handiwork I'm back to rockin the reddish-brown hair again instead of my natural golden brown. Probably will just end up being more obvious when I do have a lingering gray hair, but for now - whatev.

Is it nice to live in one of those states where you don't have to give a shit about recycling aluminum cans? With a ten cent refund each, it's like a lame-ass savings plan for us, just one that creates clutter and hassle instead of earned interest.

We ventured out to the WalMart this weekend - which, as usual, turned out to be a bad idea. You go in there and it's like you're sucked into this strange vortex that transcends space and time. I mean, I wonder if you were just dropped into any one of these stores across the country if you could tell at all - by checking out the merchandise and your fellow shoppers - what state you were in, or even what year it was? Speculation says that once inside it is permanently backwoods Indiana 1989. Oh, I kid, I kid. But there is even a specific dialect to this store along with it's own breed of disaffected, disgruntled employees. I don't know how many other places in Michigan we've ever heard this much use of "y'all" and "dudn't" - while it's endearing coming from an actual southerner, it just feels sort of awkward and out of place when you hear it from people up here. It's not like I think I'm above this store or anything, if that's where it seems I'm going with this (not much of anywhere, really). I'm all about the bargain & clearance shopping, I'm just saying that this place makes my beloved Target seem like even more of a peaceful utopia by comparison.

Oh, I know - so negative! And I didn't even get to the parts about the dumping of snow we've had, financial woes, premarital woes, or pending car issues! I'll try to end this on a positive note by saying that yes, the Nintendo Wii really is as cute and amusing as they say it is. And that it doesn't have to be summertime to enjoy a nice strong mojito.

Vote of Confidence

So, earlier today my boss comes in to get a file and give instructions. I'm sitting at my desk while he is standing up behind me. We're discussing one of our clients when he rather suddenly stops mid-sentence and glares at the top of my head.

"Hey, I'm sorry but you have THE loongest nappiest gray hair riiight there..."

and before I can even properly respond to this embarrassment, he just YANKS, then looks at his hand and says "oops, well at least I got it..." as he hands me this little clump of about 5 or 6 hairs (ouch) that he pulled! Then he just shrugs and walks out as I ponder what the hell kind of facial expression this situation deserves.

Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

ANYWAY. I'm sorry about that. That'll show me to do an internal monologue-ish thing without proofreading it. But on the other hand, you know, I'm sick of being sorry for everything I do. And it's just a blog.

I thought I was going to have jury doodie today, and believe it or not, I actually kind of had my hopes up about it. The website for jury information even had quotes from past jurors to attest that the whole thing didn't completely suck ass. One quote just said "They had coffee and it was FREE!" and I was gonna be all about dat. But oh well. No need to report. Regular old day. Apparently, yesterday was supposed to be the shittiest day of the year or something (I'm surprised I didn't start my period), so at least we're past that now, eh?

It'll all be fine.

"Delivery for... I.C. Weiner?"

Well, it is kind of pretty out when everything has a fine coating of ice on it. I'm so grateful for having a garage, especially at times like this. And for the moment, my car is acting fine (despite being in and out of the shop 3 times for not starting) although it's hard to tell if or when it'll act up again. The fun thing is when it's so iced up out there that the traffic lights don't work and no one knows what to do. A four-way stop ends up being an impromptu game of chicken. Whee!

So, we got the American Idol Karaoke Revolution game last weekend. The judges' comments get annoying after a while - as they do on the actual show. It's bad enough having a rusty and out of tune voice, but when you don't know the song that well either, it can really be painful. (The cat's ears were back and hopefully no one walking by could hear me from outside.) We had fun with it though. Then I caught some of the show last night - meh. I haven't been following all along, but isn't Simon becoming altogether less annoying than Randy? Oh and what the fuck was Jewel doing there? I found myself resenting her very presence for some reason, but that's mostly due to an old grudge (that I hold for no real reason, in my mind). Eh, whatever - I don't know why I thought it would be fun to watch this time.

I don't remember much of my dream this morning other than I was at some party - I think it was possibly a high-school reunion. I was frustrated and having shoe problems - first I was wearing some that cut my feet, then changed into another pair only to slip and step into a huge mess of pudding. Nice. Then a friend was trying to convince me that we should leave and I was saying "No. You don't understand. I am NOT leaving this party until someone wants to fuck me." Good thing J woke me up shortly thereafter, I imagine even in my subconscious I would've been waiting at that party for a LOOONG time, if ya know what I'm sayin. Zing!

Something tells me I've been here before

Oh man, I've been sleeping way too much and still feeling tired.

One of the more odd recurring elements of my dreams will be flipping the bird. Though I really don't do it all that much in real life, in my dreams there always seems to be a need for it. But in dreamland my hands won't cooperate. I will thrust my hand out at someone angrily, but then will have to use my other hand to extend the middle finger while holding the other ones down - by that time, the meaning is lost on the finger-deserver. I have no idea what that means, other than it's pretty close to the token "trying to run but being stuck in quicksand" feeling, or the "trying to call 911 but keep dialing it wrong" response.

Pretty lame defense anyway, I suppose. "Wait, wait, bad person - I have something to show you - a finger! Hold on, let me get it. There we go, yeah, eat that!"

Long nights, impossible odds

Blah blah blah. Taking up space. 'Cause I don't like having the beginning of my posts showing up in Google's cache. Blah blah dee dah. Already know this one's a doozy...

It's eerily quiet around the orifice today. Huh. True dat.
Gives me too much time to drift.
Last night slash this morning
I was dreaming of impossible sex in an uncomfortable place.
I mean we don't even have a bathtub.
Much less the balance for that kind of thing.
And then I woke up with "Blue Collar Man" by Styx running through my head.
Just for kicks, I guess.
I think I'm losing it.
The other day I
Went to the doctor
and the doctor said
or asked
if my hair color was natural
whilst poking between my legs
which made me think
"Does the carpet match the drapes?"
Yes it does.
Mark that down.
That is all.
Non-post it up!

More barn, less noble

There's a gift card for a bookstore burning a hole in my pocket. I had thought this would be an easy one, as I already have a running list o' books that I want to read, but it turns out I must be too cheap and indecisive to buy anything yet. I know - it's not even BUYING it because it's a gift card, and I still don't want to let myself pay full price. Plus, it just was not a good shopping experience. I haven't been having very good shopping experiences lately - WTF? Even with the holidays being over? Oh right, the kids are still out of school and there's plenty of other peeps who are Entitled to Copious Amounts of Vacation Time. So the stores are still packed, the clearance racks are picked over and boogered up, and everyone's too exhausted from the holidays to be polite to each other any more than is necessary. And maybe it's just me, but the last couple times I've been shopping the heat has been CRANKED. Which usually I don't mind, since I'm one of those always cold people (frigid bitch) but this was just excessive to the point where you just start getting really pissy and want to leave. Good strategy there. Then after dodging the kids playing a good old-fashioned game of Shriek and Run at the bookstore (in which I think the goal is to see how many senior citizens they could scare poopless/knock over), I noticed the store was playing an interesting selection of music, especially for a B&N. Like maybe one of their highschool employees slipped in a "Sex Mix 2006" CD from their personal collection or something, like I probably would've done at that age (oh wait, I DID do that at that age, but it was at an unpopular music store and I WAS a hornified teenager so that was understandable, eh?). Anyway, between the stifling heat and the disappointing pile of clearance crap (toilet sudoku anyone?), the breathy sex whispers and pulsating rhythm of the music and the meeting-then-breaking eye contact with a couple disillusioned guys who didn't immediately realize I was just some frumpy chick who was actually there to look for books - I figured I'd cut my losses, buy a half-price donkey calendar and high-tail it out of there.
Dang, all that and yet I find myself getting psyched up to do some shoppping this weekend...

Somethin's got to give

Oy. I thought about listing some resolutions for the New Year, but there are so many things I need to change that it just seems overwhelming and well, kind of depressing. Kind of REALLY depressing. My big problem that leads to several other mini-problems is that I procrastinate and don't want to deal with shit. But it's always looming there and making things worse, and before I know it I've got a whole pile of problems and don't know where to start with solving them. Christ, I think I need a whole personality makeover at this point. I mean, shit I've got weight loss - which is huge (ha ha) on it's own - to work on, home projects up the wazoo, loads of shit to organize so we can pay our bills like normal adults without digging through stacks of bullshit, being more like a "normal" functioning adult, regularly keeping up the house so it doesn't look like a bachelor pad, and among other things there's oh, that little matter of PLANNING a WEDDING which I haven't given nearly enough thought about, much less put things into action. It all stresses me out and seems so overwhelming, that I just... don't do it. I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel frozen, unable to move forward. Maybe I'm chicken-shit or maybe I'm just lazy. Or both.

I'm eating a slimfast bar for lunch and as expected - it's pretty feckin gross. Just like the drink, there's that lingering aftertaste of vitamins & minerals. Nastykins!

Oh silliness

Ooh, I loves me some "lost in translation" type humor, which is why my favorite time-wastin' website lately has been Engrish.com. But seeing as how I usually find out about cool stuff about a year or two after everyone else, I won't be surprised if this is old news to you. Still, that's some funny stuff to me!

Happy New Year

Here's the song that's been stuck in my head today:



I guess we've started off the New Year kinda Irishlike so far: J's dad had us over for corned beef & cabbage and then he gave us an Everlast (who, as you know, is mostly Irish) CD (turned out to be too thuggish for his taste) and now, well I'm gonna totally put some Irish Cream in me. In my coffee.

Hope you have/had a good one!

Don't worry about, don't speak of doubt

So... new template. You like? No? Indifferent? Yeah, I don't know either. Just wanted to change it up for a bit, but I'm sure I'll fiddle with it again soon. I really need to upload some pics along with posts like I used to - because it's looking pretty bland around here.

I've been having these awful dreams. And I know I've been saying everything is hormone related lately, but I think this is too. Or it happens more when I don't have the synthetic hormones in my system. But we don't have to get into all that. These dreams are like watching movies, except they're awful violent movies that you don't want to watch and can't turn away from. Thanks a lot, subconscious mind. I don't know how to explain. It's just disturbing and I hate waking up in a sweaty panic.

I'm waiting for him to get home. Yeah, he's working on a Saturday - that's a bunch of crap but has to be done sometimes. I get anxious to see him especially when I've been by myself all day. I was even going to mix myself a drink to up the lovey-dovey feeling, but I'll wait. The buzz I get from drinking doesn't ever seem to last long, so I don't want to waste it. And it's pretty likely that right now a drink will get me even more horned up. Hornified?

Anyway! I gotsta go for now.

So now what?

Alright. So Christmas has come and gone and of course it wasn't altogether bad. In some respects I'm relieved to have it over, but then again feel a bit sad that it passed in such a blur. We (J and I) both think it may have been more fun with some little chitlins running around, but then again more stressful too. But despite my "family crisis" shit, I was selfishly dealing with my own shit too and for that, I feel bad. Well, I mean I feel bad that I was in one of those moods where I will answer politely enough when spoken to but can't keep up a prolonged conversation, I wanted to smile but it felt unnatural for my face to cooperate, and none of the usual spirit-lifters had the same effect that I needed to be a good hostess. There are usually about 2 days a month where I am at my utmost worst, and these happened to begin right on Christmas. Not good. I also neglected to make getting certain important med refills of the utmost importance before the holidays. Now due to the idiocy not only on my part but on that of the pharmacy and then of the doctor's office, I am on day 2 without these stupid drugs in my system, knowing that day 3 is usually my breaking point for an uncontrolled crying freakout. It's awful timing. But like I said, it's my fault anyway and I'll get it taken care of.
As usual, my sweet fiance pulled off a fantastic meal for his parents, my mom and us. I could go on about how much he means to me, how he keeps me going when times are rough like this, and how I just love him so much that I can feel the tears welling up... but it would probably be a little nauseating for the rest of you. So we'll just say I'm glad that I had him there with me through this. I'll try to give a better recap of the holidays another time. I wanted it to be half-funny, half-complaining, but I'm going to just sound complainy if I do it now. You know how it is.

Holidazed

I don't know, folks. Despite my tendencies to be bah-humbug this time of year, I was secretly on and off feeling just a little festive. Sure, I've been stressed and sure I'm not really prepared, and sure we have continuous rain and gloom instead of snow, but I still was more or less planning on having a decent holiday. I sort of missed Christmas last year due to being terribly sick with a nasty stomach bug that knocked me on my ass for a week. So at least I don't have that to deal with. But as it turns out, my immediate family is in somewhat of a crisis now and none of us are really in the mood to celebrate. It's not that Christmas is being called off, but my brother is in some deep trouble that is really weighing heavily on all of us. I'm sorry I can't even explain. I don't know, it's a mess. My poor parents. But I am glad that despite of all the family issues we may have, we care about each other enough to be affected and concerned.
Sorry to be so depressing, and sorry that I haven't written much, or commented much or emailed much. Hopefully it'll all blow over soon.
I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday out there! Share some hugs and let people know you love them!

Chrishmish shapping

It's a good thing I haven't gone too crazy with online shopping, especially with how bad I am at regular shopping and how much better the products look on the computer screen than in person. I get in the stores and regardless of if I have an idea of what to buy or not, I get in this hazy, confused, irritable state and then end up doing things like looking at every single board book in the big old bookstore's section for kids, and then end up buying the one that my nephew already has. Or buying my significant other the same kind of shaver 2 years in a row AND also forgetting how crappy it was and that it nicked and cut up his face. As it gets closer and closer to Christmas and I get more and more desperate, everything I look at starts looking like what might be a good gift idea, which usually ends up being awful. And then I start thinking about this shit way too hard and want to break down right there in the store, yelling stuff out like "I don't think I even really KNOW my family or what the hell they like! Hey you there, hey lady - do you think my dad would like this sampler of teas? Hey stranger, how much do you have to spend on your coworkers to not look like a shmuck? Excuse me, hi there random person, do you think I'm buying these earrings because I like them or because I truly think my mom will like them? How about a variety pack of kleenex - is that a gift? I know I'd use it if it was for me. I mean, if you think about it - what isn't a gift, right? RIGHT? Someone??? Help?"
Yeah, so shopping tonight should be fun.

Oh Grumbley Grumbles

I'm having one of those bouts of eye-twitching, don't you hate that? It's just an annoying little quiver, feels like it might be sinus-related so I keep squeezing the bridge of my nose. I've also been experimenting with the art of eyebrow penciling lately, so it's like "hey, lookit that girl - what's her expression? Is she concerned? Annoyed? I don't know, but with the looks of that twitchy eye, I'd stay away from her if I were you..."

My petty complaint of the day is that I don't like being at the mercy of my boss for when I am allowed to have lunch. Normally I bring a cup of soup and a room temperature beverage since we don't have a refridgerator here (which yes, also annoys me) and I just eat at my desk and work through lunch. But some days, I don't like being confined! Some days I don't want or have soup! And it's like it's a BIG pain in the ass that I need to run out for 10 minutes to go get something, which I still can bring back and eat at my desk while working. But he likes to be in control. Yesterday he told me to go to lunch and it was only 10:45AM, today it was - you didn't bring your lunch again??? Irritated sigh. Well, I'll be back in an hour and a half, you can go then. I know, it's just a stupid little thing and usually I try to be flexible about it. It's just that I NEVER take advantage of the whole being entitled (by you know, the state regulations) to 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch thing, plus the phone hardly ever rings during the usual lunch times, plus we have caller ID and voice mail if anyone DID call, but nevermind, nevermind - I just get a little cranky when I'm hungry!

Assorted Fried Vegetables

So, I finally was given word that it was MY turn to switch over to the beta version of blogger. I'm kind of surprised that they really didn't come up with much in the way of NEW templates (what is there - one?) but at least they've made it somewhat easier to change the colors in the existing ones. We'll see how it works out.

I don't know what our holiday plans are. I don't know what our wedding plans are. I'm not a good planner.

Another weekend came and went. I didn't get Christmas shopping accomplished (including but not limited to completing the package that I need to send to Australia - like that's not gonna be late or anything, shit!) but I did get the fake tree put up and decorated, so it looks a bit more festive around the house. We had a coffee pot die (what, the coffee pot can't withstand a spill of [you guessed it] COFFEE on it's display? Weak!) so we bought another cheap one. It's like our history with toasters - they were practically a disposable commodity in our house until we finally just bought a toaster oven which was well worth the slightly higher cost and eventually we'll break down and spend a little extra on a coffee maker too - just not this time around. J made a delicious roast chicken (which isn't really news as his cooking is always delicious) and I made us some chocolate chip cookies (not festive, but still quite yummy). We had 2 visits from friends, which totals 3 whole people who like us enough to can hang with us. You know what company means: drinks may have got drinked and pots may have been smoken, but all in the spirit of being FESTIVE! Or something. We didn't end up watching any of our Netflix movies (Beerfest, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, X-Men 3) but at least we have some good ones ready when we get around to it. I finished reading My Friend Leonard by James Frey (really good) and started Little Children by Tom Perrotta which so far seems like it'll be good too. We got some Indian food last night - while we were eating I couldn't help envisioning myself today, clutching my stomach and saying "ugh, we had Indian food last night" but actually haven't had too many unpleasant after-effects. I've gotten more adventurous about food over the years and can even handle spicey to a certain point. Everything was SO seasoned though that it was almost like sensory overload. Good stuff though, interesting. So there's the weekend in a messy, unformatted nutshell.

Where's the beef?

Well, that was weird. Apparently everything checked out alright on my car. It wouldn't start, but then after they towed it back to their garage, it did start - he says it happens all the time, might be something got jiggled around during the tow. Isn't that always the answer? You just gotta jiggle it. Alright then.

This morning my boss picked up my sorry ass and brought me to work. We stopped along the way at a funky coffee shop that usually has amusing phrases on their sign, such as "Stop in for a cup of Whoop Ass!" "Coffee keeps you regular" or "We stopped peeing in the tea" so I had already decided I liked the place before I went in. Now maybe I'm just not used to the hip coffees the kids are drinking these days, but my house blend seemed a little odd. At first I thought it was just stronger than I was used to, but it was more of just a weird aftertaste of... is it... beef? Then I thought I know what this tastes like! The aftertaste is just like the "au jus" that you get with a french dip sandwich! That must be their secret! Still thinking I was just being crazy, I drank about 1/2 of it before my stomach clenched up and begged me to stop. On top of that, I have a beef-related soup for lunch, so I can forget about getting that taste out of my mouth.

Seems like this needs a dirty joke here, but I'm at a loss. So you just go on and have yourself a great day.

Whassa matta you?

Me + cars = trouble.

I was just thinking, juust theenking of finally getting some body work done on my car, when lo and behold she decided not to start after I got my morning coffee from the gas station and was going to be on my way to work. I'm sorry I cursed you, car! You trying to tell me you've got worse problems I should pay attention to? I hate that sinking feeling when you're turning the key when you know it's doing no good "please turn over, please this time, please fucking start!" At least I was parked in a decent spot (not at the pump) at the time and had a few minutes to make calls before the battery died on my cell phone (figures). But I hate that. When you like, need help from people, possibly strangers, but the look in their eyes says "please don't ask me, I don't know you, please don't ask me, what are you trying to pull, don't talk to me" but at least the store manager was kind enough to attempt giving me a jump start. It didn't work though, so now I wait to hear the fate of my car and hope it's nothing serious but I'm expecting the worst, because it usually is.

But hey, I got a ride to work from my non-working co-worker, a ride to the shop to drop off the keys, and hey I might even fenagle a ride home (across frickin town) from some kind soul. So I'm thankful that some people out there will still help other people. But most likely, only if they know you.

Not "Share Bear" Enabled

You know, I know work computers are well, for work and all and not actually a personal belonging. But when you work at the same one for so long and have everything set up the way you want it, it kinda feels like "yours." So, silly as it is - dontcha hate it when someone else uses your computer and you come back to find a bunch of stuff changed? What the crap is this? You were using this computer for a couple hours and found it necessary to put your own music program (what - itunes not good enough?) on here and install 2 frickin instant messengers? WTF? Perhaps I'm not as good about sharing as I thought, as my first reaction is to change all that's been tainted back to how I had it. Files buh-leted!

A pu-pu platter of postings

Since I always seem to get into shows when they're past their prime (or already cancelled) the latest show I've been diggin on is Arrested Development. Love it! I think I must favor shows that use the "uncomfortable humor" like The Office, so this is quickly being added to the all-time favorite, can't-miss-an-episode category. So, yay for reruns and DVRs!

I'm planning on making a whole mess o' cookies for the upcoming Thanksgiving festivities. Suppose I will at least attempt a pumpkin pie as well, but I feel safer with cookies as I'm still a newbie in the baking department. My fee-on-say, as I've mentioned before, is quite gifted wit tha kitchen skillz which is hella cool for me (and anyone eating with us). But I want to at least contribute something, even if it's just cleaning up the place and making an offering of cookies. Eh? Does that count? I wish I was craftier and more talented with domestic abilities to impress company, but moreso I just want everyone to have a good time, which hopefully they will.

I haven't mentioned anything about wedding plans in a while because A) I didn't think you'd be that interested and B)I have had almost no ideas other than what I don't like. But! We looked at a reception site we actually like, and for a comparably reasonable price! And if the idea of getting married in a church doesn't work out, there are options available for having the ceremony at the reception site as well. So that's a bit of relief for the moment.

I haven't been writing as much but I've been reading a bit more. Trouble is, I like to check out a whole stack of books from the library and then start more than one of them at the same time, so it really takes me longer to get any one of them finished. So right now, for example I'm almost done with Bleachy Haired Honky Bitch by Hollis Gillespie which I should've been through much faster as it is actually a compilation of short essays. I see that she's a contributor to NPR and perhaps her stuff is better that way, in small doses. Just because as I'm reading these all at once, it seems a bit repetitious. While the stories can be amusing at times, I think there's also some overkill with telling us about what her guy friends said and did and commented and suggested - I don't know if there's a chapter that hasn't mentioned them. I mean, I'm sure I'd love some gay guy friends as much as the next girl but it seems like it makes it less of her voice, ya know? Then I'm also reading Faithless by Joyce Carol Oates, which is another compilation of short stories. I think I'm gonna be about DONE with short stories in the near future, because now these seem more like stories that just got thrown together in a book because she had some drafts lying around but didn't want to bother giving them proper endings. Great character descriptions and suspensefully leading up to something, and then it's just blah blah the end. I mean, JCO is a respectable author with a shitload of books and all - I think I was just intimidated by some of her bigger novels and chose the short stories unwisely. Ah well, I still have 5 or 6 more books lined up to read next if these don't work out!

We actually had a "Pu-Pu Platter" at one of those combined Asian cuisine restaurants this weekend. Always wondered about that term. It's just a combo of somewhat americanized appetizers, but it was good stuff.

One for the therapist's couch

I want to be good. I want to do good things. I want to be considered a good person by others. But no matter what I do, I realize that the person I have the hardest time convincing of this goodness is myself. I feel like the attempts I make are in vain, that I'm not fooling anyone, that anything good I do is still overshadowed by what shitty things I've done. It's just not enough to redeem myself. If I look at it from a bigger perspective, I really haven't done much better or worse than most people. But still. Maybe I've taught myself to respond to negative reinforcement. My "conscience" insists on telling me that any good deed must have an ulterior motive lurking behind it. That I'm not a good girl. That I'm much too selfish and spoiled to really care about anything or anyone else but myself.
But I do, Mom, I do!

Battle of the Secretaries

I hate it that ever since the ONE time, about a year or more ago, that my boss didn't call back her boss in a timely manner, this woman assumes it was due to my negligence and not my boss's own doing. I gave him the message! And the message after that, damnit! She used her best mom voice and scolded me, saying "Well we've been waiting for his call and that's just NOT cool" and was quite personally offended. I apologized profusely but I didn't rat out my boss, so I will be taking the brunt of her bitchiness for... oh, eternity (or the length of my employment which hopefully comes first.) Ever since that little incident she gets pointedly snippy and uncooperative with me when she calls even though I kiss her ass. I can practically hear her cold, dead stare whenever I try to be light and friendly. At least I have the safety of only being over the phone and not in direct contact with her. I don't know. Menopausal much?


* I'll try to hold off on the work-related bitching at least for a while now. I know it's about as fun to read as... well, as it is to be here. Sorry about that.

Me and my naysaying

I was trying to think about why I always end up getting to this point in a job where I become kinda jaded. Starting out, I like the job okay - it's fresh, it's new, it's not so bad. I do fairly well and am given more responsibilites and knowledge of goings-on in the company. Then a fatal flaw occurs: I start to care. Care about the business, care about the clients that it affects, care about the image and reputation we're putting out there and want to make it better. It would be easier to just shutup and do my job without giving it an extra thought, but I can't seem to help it. I make some suggestions, do some of my gentle naysaying and usually at least some of it is received well. Then again at times it can come across as being nitpicky and negative and concerning myself with things that aren't my concern. Whether it's said or not, it is usually not my place to take these things upon myself, so I stop. These are usually matters that either aren't cost-effective or part of the Bigger Picture, therefore not worth the concern with the higher-ups. More often than not, I am reminded that the business world can be ugly and sometimes in these cases ignorance is bliss. I'm not to be mistaken as a go-getter, perhaps I just would like to think my criticism and attention to minute details occasionally work towards a good cause. I guess for once I should do what most people do and try to find a job that's worth caring about!

Searchin for a churchin

I don't know if I want to just accept the religion hand that I've been dealt only because it's familiar to me. I get the feeling that there could be something else out there that I'm more comfortable with. It's odd, when looking at the beliefs of different denominations, the old joke about declining a club's membership comes to mind. Like, would I really want to be a part of a church that would have someone like me as a member?

High School Sucked: An Occasional Series

10th grade English. We were supposed to be quietly reading Shakespeare. I felt sick, claustrophobic, and like I may burst into tears at any moment despite the medication that was intended to do otherwise. I made my way to the front of the classroom and asked Mrs. B in a whisper if I could have the bathroom pass. Up until then, we had a decent student/teacher relationship I thought. Unlike most of the jocks in my class I actually gave a shit about what we were reading or writing. But that was mostly thrown out the window in my case due to the fact that I had started accruing a substantial number of absences which I never really explained, so most teachers had me lumped into the "slacker" category. Unlike those who had initially made themselves known as slackers, I was treated with more disdain because no one likes to see someone who started out with potential head downhill so fast. Mrs. B looked up at me with a frown and shook her head "I'd rather not have you leaving class" she said sternly "I've spoken with Mr. S (my guidance counselor) and I know about your... problems." I cringed. While no teacher wants a student who's a possible mental case on their hands, she said it in a way that made me feel if I'd just asked permission to deface school property. Or as if I belonged in a straight jacket. Tears welled up in my eyes. "Well I had thought that was confidential" my voice shaking "but I'm really feeling sick and need to go to the bathroom." She handed me the hall pass, expressionless. "Quickly." I went to the bathroom in tears and dry heaved in one of the stalls. Now I wished that I was the type to deface school property. Fuck them. I wondered who else knew about my "problems" and regretted confiding in the guidance counselor. After all, we both knew he wasn't the kind of "counselor" I needed but he was the person I was assigned to speak with if I was having trouble. And talking to him meant more time away from classes that I hated, which I was sure they would also catch on to if they hadn't already. I didn't expect their sympathy, but I also didn't understand why my hurting myself made other people so angry. If this was some inspirational movie, there would've been some special teacher that reached out to me but also commanded respect and put me in my place with some tough love/heavy dose of reality kind of stuff. And I would struggle and cry and threaten, but after an uplifting music montage of getting my life back on track, would be a better stronger person for it. But of course I'm not saying that happened.

Behold the ravishes of age!

Last night, I had passed out on the couch (combination of having a drinkey-drink, reading, and I was just sleepy damnit!) and woke up a bit startled for some reason. So I quickly stood up, not realizing that after being curled up on my side for so long one leg was not fully functional. I took a step and my leg gave out, I fell and twisted my ankle. What a way to wake up. Of course it's the same ankle that I've twisted before (though it was much worse the other time) and so it's all swollen and sore around my ankey-bone today. Hmm, I could incorporate this into a Halloween costume. All I need are a few wrinkles and to throw some powder in my hair - cause I've already got the old lady thing down with my limpin-and-a-grumblin.
Then I read an article this morning about depression being linked to bone loss. Hmm, and I had thought it was just linked to a loss in boning. Harf harf.
I didn't exactly have a black cat cross my path today. But I did see the cute Cat In Tha Hood (as in bad neighborhood where my office is) who happens to be black with lil white "socks" on a couple of his/her feets. I thought I saw something moving outside the window at work, and there was the cat getting all comfy on the hood of an SUV in the parking lot. So I guess now I can call it a Hood Cat for more than one reason. Aha ahh aha. Sorry, half-assed humor is all I can scrounge up at the moment.

* I think the title line is said on one of the Simpsons Halloween specials by an old lady when Bart & Lisa go on that extremely lame "haunted" ride. Just so ya know.

Happy Halloween

I usually just say I'm going as a disgruntled employee, but I like this one:



From one of my fave web-comics, Toothpaste For Dinner.

Have fun out there, you spooky kids!

Proceed With Caution

Reasons I cried this weekend:

• because I just love him so much (sentimental)
  
• incident with the cat's litter box (frustrated)
• realization of being a loser who doesn't go out enough (depressed)
• because of my period (the underlying reason for all of the above)

Oh yeah, you can see these are completely VALID reasons for freak-outs in my troubled, hormonal mind. He hung in there with me like a trooper, but still. I'm not proud of myself. Except for making oatmeal pumpkin cranberry cookies, those turned out pretty well. So, at least there's that.

Big Empty

I feel permanently damaged, a defective product that never got a recall. I feel like... a lot of overdramatic shitty things. I know it won't always feel like this but I am stuck in the now of it. I wish there weren't so many days that I was thinking to myself that I couldn't wait for some time alone so I could cry without having to explain why. It doesn't work like that. You can't just save it all up for a more appropriate time. I'm feeling like I need something but can't quite grasp it. I want closeness, yet I don't really want to be around anyone - even myself, really. Which I suppose works since I'm feeling like some kind of people-repellant. The image in my mind of how I must appear to others is devastating. So yeah, feeling depressed to say the least.

Shampoozled

As I am often known to do, I was sniffing around at Target for a new shampoo the other day. Something I've noticed in the shampoo market is that descriptions of what hair type each shampoo is intended for have become quite specific and, almost insulting at times. For example, what was once a shampoo for "normal to dry hair" has become "for dry, brittle, damaged, over-processed, color-treated hair." Is your hair moderately dry? Not good enough to qualify, folks. Because honestly people, you cannot be ready for the help these products will give you until your hair has reached rock bottom and is desperate for change. You better have hair with some serious lack of moisture ISSUES. We're talking parched, dehydrated, crunchy, chalky, burnt spaghetti-like, turns to dust in your hands, been through the desert on a horse with no name, dry-ass MF'in hair! The products will claim ways of forcibly keeping that moisture in your hair (Intensive therapy! Shampoo contains more than 50% real unsalted butter!) and bringing it back to LIFE! Hoorah!

So, the shampoo I ended up selecting was for adding volume to fine hair but actually it had to be all high and mighty about it by saying it was "for fine, dull, limp, lifeless hair". So basically - hair that is really just some sort of pathetic excuse for hair. Bland, miserable, lame, flaccid, sickly, cobwebby, nearly nonexistent, thin like a babies' but not in a good way, why even bother having hair - kind of hair. And I foolishly thought my hair just needed a little added bounce. Glad to know where I stand in the haircare world.

Planet Piss

One of the things that sucks about our new office location is that the bathroom is very... echoey and in close relation to well, everybody. So it pretty much sounds like the bathroom user is right there in the room with you. Dude, I don't want to hear people (like my boss) pissing but more importantly I don't want them to hear me. So every time I go to the bathroom here, I turn on the faucet (which I'll add, only has cold water - hot is not even an option *) which provides hopefully just enough noise so I don't think they can hear me tinkle. Also I'm really tired of taking the lid off of the tank, jiggling the crusty metal chain/shoelace device in order to get the flapper (which doesn't even look like it fits properly) to you know, go back down and not make the toilet run constantly. Hey, I'm no plumber (but have been known to show some plumber's crack) but I do seem to know when a toilet needs a jiggling. Yeah, that sounded bad.

* which probably doesn't matter since I can also hear that they're not washing their hands anyway

Geez, my bathroom issues seem to be a recurring theme here, look:
Everybody Poops
Bathroom of Irony
Smell Ya Later

Grown ups need snow days too

Even though I've lived in this northern state all my life, every year the snow comes as an unpleasant surprise. You'll find that here. People can always chat about the weather inevitably sucking. "Ohh, can you believe this snow? Oh I know, it's awful." Snow isn't so bad when you're a kid 'cause it's like, not your problem. Then you grow up and find yourself years later still listening to the radio in anxious anticipation of a snow day, but then the reality smacks you in the face that "Shit, I still have to go to work in this crap. No fucking fair!"

So yeah, feeling sort of negative lately. Okay really negative. Like you don't even want to know. Is it me or is the feeling mutual? Is this the reason for the decrease in blogging out there? I mean, I know I haven't been that great about updating myself, but it's felt like lately there's been just a big ol' fart rolling through the blogosphere causing people to close up shop. (Not that I don't appreciate all you peeps who are still around, though!) It's just not quite the jumpin jivin place it used to be. What gives? And how come all the people who have switched to the Beta version just get quiet and don't talk about it? What are they holding over you? Is the first rule of Blogger Beta that you don't talk about Blogger Beta? What kind of crap is that? Sure, maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I just missed the boat. Maybe I don't even want to be included. Maybe I should just go back home where it's warm and quiet and curl up with my blankey and my Jenna Jameson book, drink coffee and not think about things. It's cold here and I really should've dried my hair this morning.

Use with caution

I have to use Q-tips cotton swabs after a shower because I hate that feeling of having water in my ears. But what I hate even more is when I get a faulty one that's more "Q" swab than "tip" cotton. And I don't realize this until I've already jammed it in my ear, which the package clearly warns not to do. Ouch.

Maybe I should splurge on the name-brand ones next time.

I'm like Nancy Drew but with smells

Wait a minute, I thought, holding them up to my face and inhaling deeply I think I smell penis on these. Back to the floor with you!
And so, the case of the dirty laundry posing as the clean laundry was solved.

Toot-toot-tooot

Outside, it sounds like some kid just learning to play the recorder has been ordered to take it outside. The same note over and over keeps echoing off of the houses down the street, making someone else's dog howl. Oh, wait. Did I just hear Three Blind Mice? Badass.

That whole being a hermit idea didn't work out so well

I'm making myself sad, thinking about all the people that I've lost touch with over the years. Not just friends but family members too. Wondering if it matters to them or just matters to me. If they think that I don't think it matters. Thinking about how most of it is my fault. How I've most likely done things to hurt or piss them off. Or just the length of time without contact has pissed them off. How I wish it would be easier to just fall back into a comfortable conversation mode. I am so worried about what I think that people are thinking that I'm too afraid to really find out. I'm a coward. Worried that I won't be forgiven. Gotta fight the urge to hide under a rock. I got a stern call from my mom re: "why haven't you told them yet?" I don't know. I just don't know where to start.

Stop this train I want to get off

The new John Mayer CD, Continuum is sort of surprisingly good. Didn't think I'd be the one to say that, but shit - I will not be confined to anti-pop music snobbery! When I first heard it - courtesy of the fiance - I thought this is the kind of smooth rockin CD that you could use as a sexual innuendo a la Old School. Like "Hey baby, I was thinking tonight maybe... we could pop in that John Mayer CD?" (Wink wink, Nudge nudge) As an added bonus, it's also work-friendly and in my case, an effective boss-repellent. Yes, it's only a matter of time before it gets overplayed like everything else, but I'm gonna enjoy it while I can. I will warn you though, that these songs will get stuck in your head til it's just about not cool anymore. Yeah well, I never said I was very good at music reviews.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

I've been having weird dreams lately, as I am known to do. I probably don't need to tell you that I often have weird dreams when it's Oncoming Period Week. And I probably don't need to throw in that they are often sexually weird or weirdly sexual. But I will mention this line that still is going through my head from a dream the other night. I don't know what exactly brought this on, but I was telling someone very matter-of-factly:
"Even after all these years, Rob Lowe is still fuckable."
So, just keep that in mind. I mean, sure he's good looking in that Smooth Talking Asshole Who Knows He's Good Looking kind of way, but I don't know if he's even in my top 10 DILF list (coming soon, uh possibly.) Anyways, not real sure why he was stuck in my head. I haven't seen any of his work lately, and I never even got to see those sex tapes he was famous for! But I will tell you that one time on Saturday Night Live he did a very convincing impersonation of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He also was in the not so well known but pretty damn funny superhero movie The Specials and... well okay, maybe I do like Rob Lowe a bit and somehow triggered a subconscious reminder of that.
Okay, moving on. I probably do not need to tell you that I had another dream in which I ahem, uhh visited Lesbonia so to speak or that it was really fucking hot (so to speak). Probably shouldn't say that it involved another girl with pale creamy skin and a well-manicured front yard. I probably shouldn't even bring up the things we did to each other or who was watching while we did it. Because I really don't remember it all that well other than flashes of mental images, but damnit - it was hot in my dream so I guess I mentioned it anyway. Just forget I told you.

Yeah, it's one of those cat posts

In her old age, this cat has become quite a scavenger. That, along with her nearly a dollar-a-day habit of being a catsip fiend is making us rethink our ideas on spoiling cats. I think it's more of a thrill for her just to score the coveted people food than it is to actually eat it. Yesterday I had picked up a two-pack of small sized blueberry muffins from the gas station (yes, because I'm certainly not above gas station treats - shutup.) I ended up bringing them home and gave one to J, then carelessly thought that tucking the cellophane around the other muffin was sufficient. This morning the table was strewn with crumbs and wrappers and the sad little muffin had not only been tossed around recklessly but had several nibbles taken out of it. Little stinker. Who would've thought the cat would have any interest in blueberry muffins? What I don't get though, is not so much how she got it out of the package but how she got the muffin paper completely off the bottom and tossed it aside, still nearly all in one piece. If she can do all that, well then she can take a turn doing the dishes around here too. These cats, I tell ya...

Distractinator

I think I've just discovered a secret, special power that I have over people. Ooh! Behold! Are you ready? Folks, get this - I have the power to give people attention deficit disorder just by speaking to them! Yes! If this was a sickness, they'd be dropping like flies all around me! Even if they never appeared to have this ADD before, well I just have a knack for bringing it out in people. No snapping my fingers, casting spells, wiggling my nose or anything. Ah yes, just let the gentle sound of my voice lull you into a distracted trance and suddenly everything in the world is more interesting than this. I wasn't saying anything important anyway - you can count on that, huh? It's like magic! I can begin a sentence and wow, I'm only halfway through it before I get interrupted by you. You'll even say something that's completely off the subject. It's like I wasn't even talking! Ha, as far as you know I wasn't! Wow, I must have... what's the opposite of charisma? In addition to this ability, I can apparently erase your memory as well, as you will have no idea that we had this conversation before and that I already answered the questions you asked. It's like it never even happened and I'm just making this shit up for the fun of it!

So, as I was saying... hello? Yes, as I was saying... uh huh, it is a nice day outside, oh yep I see you're busy gazing out the window even though we were in some sort of conversation just a moment ago. That's okay, heh heh. So yeah, hi! As I was saying we did receive that paperwork just... well no, it's not a new sweater but thank you for noticing that just now. So, anyway... oh okay I've got your attention? Oh thank you, I know how difficult it is to get through this conversation with me but I just wanted to say that - no, actually that wasn't what I was going to say if you'll just lis - mm hmm, mm hmm. Okay, never fucking mind.

Big questions, vague answers

So, what's been up? I keep starting to post and then either get distracted or bored with my own words and stop. Maybe I have more to say when nothing is going on, or something like that. I'm starting to get as bad with this as I am at communicating with my family. Not good. I think I need to just write about what I'm thinking and stop thinking so much about what I'm writing. Eh?

Last weekend we attending a wedding for a guy that J works with. It was a major event, I can't even guess how much time and money went into it. The reception was lovely and fancy yet still a lot of fun. Open bar, y'all. Appetizers galore. I got more than a little tipsy and at times was whispering things to J like "I wanna fuck you right here on the ground" and "I think I'm going blind" among giddy laughter. But that's okay, it's a rare occasion that I actually get to enjoy kickin back the drinks. It was very sweet of him to look out for me and I'm thankful that he drove, although that meant he couldn't get as much of a buzz. We'll have to get better about drinking together at home. Sounds like a goal, eh? Well it would really be for the best - neither of us would have to worry about driving and we would be less likely to miss the window of opportunity when I am extremely horny and down for anythang. Christ, I'm 28 and I'm just getting this drinking thing figured out.

Of course, being at a wedding and all when you've just announced your engagement makes people throw a lot of questions at you. They all meant well, but at some points J and I were ready to plug our ears and just keep repeating "We DON'T know yet, we will tell you when we DO know!" This is one of those instances where I kinda feel like I'm just not like other women. I haven't really had this dream of exactly how I want my wedding to be for my whole life like other girls have. I don't plan on being a pushy, overbearing bridezilla and having everyone involved say "I'm just so glad it's almost over" on my wedding day. (Sure, I say that now.) I just want things to be simple. Simple is all we can afford, both monetarily and mentally! I'm sure I'll be saying more about this as things get set in motion. But for now, we still have to decide on the church and set a date to get things started. The whole church thing has made me start thinking more seriously about religion and what I believe in, and if there is a church that I feel I can identify with. I don't want to just casually throw away my Catholic roots and what I'm familiar with, but then again I feel like how I live my life and what I think is okay sort of conflicts with what the standards are for that religion. I don't know. It's a touchy subject and probably not the best one to blog about. Let's just say I feel as if I could be starting on some sort of spiritual journey at this point in my life. Yikes.

Scaredy-buns

Psst! Hey, you don't mind if I just sit here being totally spooked, do you? OMG, I smelled a cat. Seriously, it was like right here. Holy shit. That is SO not cool. I'm serious I like cannot move now, I'm just majorly fah-reaking out! Gahh! Would ya quit with the talking about me and taking the pictures? For chrissakes you're gonna blow my cover!

Get in shape, girl!

Does anyone remember the Get in Shape, Girl! craze from the 80s? Did one of you blog about this already? Well anyway, I remember it was pretty effective in making us young girls think "Excercise is FUN!" Well, fun as long as you were properly accessorized with lavender sweat bands and various pastel wrist weights. Yay, accessories! The package I had came with a cassette tape with the signature song on it and oooh, pretty ribbon on a stick thing (did that have a name?)! Anyway, if you don't know what I'm talking about check out the commercial.
So... I finally got the elliptical machine I've been thinking about getting (and procrastinating about getting) for quite awhile. I'm way overdue to get my ass in gear. It's pretty cool, I feel the burn but it's still low-impact which is good for my "old-fart legs." I used to have a somewhat decent body and I want that back! Shamefully, it's been about 10 years (since highschool gym class) that I've done anything other than walking or sex as a physical activity. Yeehaw! I know, this need for excercise comes naturally to some of you folks but for me, this is like a big thing. Woo, I'm doing something! Now if only I can be patient and stay with it even if I don't see immediate results.

Hiding from the light

If only I was still young enough for it to be teen angst. I still feel angsty. But even then it wasn't really okay. Not for me. But it was more understandable at the time. Some people just can be like that but still be charmingly endearing when it matters the most and then it's okay. I still want to keep the doors shut and locked. Hide in a closet. I want to retreat deep inside myself and say it's for artistic reasons. Create something beautiful out of something tragic. I wish I could say what I mean and have it mean something, at least to me. Half the time I know what I mean to say. Maybe it's true that the things we can't stand in others are things that we can't stand with ourselves. And we should understand each other but we don't. The things that I assume that you can't stand about me are the things that I probably can't stand with myself. So there you go. It's two-fold. I'm angry at whatever I'm angry at but I'm also angry at myself for reacting to it the way I do when I'm angry. I have all these feelings I don't know what to do with. Same as it ever was.

Some of us don't know why

Little things are changing in my little world and surprisingly enough, I feel myself going with the flow more than resisting it. Somehow I think it's all going to be okay.
I've got things to tell you and pictures to post, will have to do that a bit later.

Yesterday we watched Donnie Darko and I think it's one of those movies that will make more sense the 2nd time. It kind of creeped me out and made me think, which isn't all bad. I can be a sucker for the plot twists that everyone else sees coming. Also really enjoyed the soundtrack. I'd say it was less twistedly confusing than a David Lynch film but leaves more room for pondering and self-interpretation than a M. Night Shymalan movie. I don't know. I could be way off, I just like the movies that stick in my mind for a bit like this one. Then again, sometimes I think things are sooo deep that they're really not that deep at all.

More soon.