Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Hiding from the light

If only I was still young enough for it to be teen angst. I still feel angsty. But even then it wasn't really okay. Not for me. But it was more understandable at the time. Some people just can be like that but still be charmingly endearing when it matters the most and then it's okay. I still want to keep the doors shut and locked. Hide in a closet. I want to retreat deep inside myself and say it's for artistic reasons. Create something beautiful out of something tragic. I wish I could say what I mean and have it mean something, at least to me. Half the time I know what I mean to say. Maybe it's true that the things we can't stand in others are things that we can't stand with ourselves. And we should understand each other but we don't. The things that I assume that you can't stand about me are the things that I probably can't stand with myself. So there you go. It's two-fold. I'm angry at whatever I'm angry at but I'm also angry at myself for reacting to it the way I do when I'm angry. I have all these feelings I don't know what to do with. Same as it ever was.


Wookiee Rage said...

own your feelings. accept them. move on.

easier said then done, right?

yeah, you're right but think about this. the people that know you and that care about you, know how you are. they know what you feel and what you go through. and they accept those things about you, choosing not to let those things bother them or change their feelings about you. they may even, in fact, find those some of those qualities endearing in you.

if the people who care about you can get over it and accept your, oh lets say... faults, then it shouldn't be hard for you to as well. after all those are the only people who's opinion really matters anyway.

at least that's the way i deal with my own issues, maybe i'm way off base.

Beth said...

I hear you, NG. I, too, live with depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's just there and all we can do is get through it, nothing more. And I understand how little the thoughts of those around us matter to our own opinions of ourselves. It is not rational. We can't just think our way out of it.

Hang in, though. Remember, it will pass. Doesn't it always?

Sending understanding, because it's all I can do.

NeverEnough said...

Great post... Anger sucks!

Beck said...

That is the most esoteric post I've ever read. I love it. Buck up lil camper. (:

Nervous Girl said...

Hey, you know - just fleeting thoughts that I wanted to write down for some reason while inebriated.

Beth - I've appreciated your comments and I like your blog too, for some reason I didn't think I could comment on yours or haven't figured that out yet!