Let's Get Lost

I seem to have the kind of voice that makes people drift off while I'm mid-sentence. (I'll have to put that on my next job application/resume under leadership skills.) Ok, so being a dynamic speaker doesn't come so naturally to everyone, big deal. The bigger problem is that I just don't feel that I can express myself like I used to, or relate to people in the same way I used to. And it's like I'm clogged up with stuff I can't say, or even write. At some point, I just... got quiet. The book I'm reading happened to have a line in it about how when you're quiet so much of the time it doesn't make people think of you as being deep or thoughtful, it just makes them forget you. Or something to that extent. But - and I know I've said this before - then when I am feeling "talky" it just all comes out like verbal vomit. Or maybe dry heaves. Either way, you'll want to watch out if you're in the vicinity. Guhh, when did I revert to my adolescent years and become so socially AWKWARD again?

In work-related news, we're moving our office again. It sounds like our new location will be more "officey" and hopefully will be a better fit, although I'm a bit skeptical. So um, do you think it looks shady when a business has a really vague, nondescript name, a weak website, ridiculously long and hard to remember email addresses, and then also moves every two years? I'm just sayin. But hey, maybe we're on the up and up. I hear that this new place will probably be equipped with both hot and cold water options in the bathroom - faan-say!

The family-related news is just not good, and has been looming over me these days. Again, involving my brother that is often in trouble and now has a major health issue on top of everything else. It just makes me feel... well, sad and conflicted but also guilty. His situation is out of my control at this point, but I just feel like I should do or should've done something - even if that's just praying and thinking positively - and I haven't been that good at even doing that.

Well, I feel like I'm just throwing out negative after negative, so how 'bout I switch to a lighter topic? To cheer myself up lately, I've taken to online shoe-shopping. Oh, I haven't been blowing a bunch of money on it - mostly just spending a ridiculous amount of time perusing and considering items I MIGHT buy, eventually. Buying shoes is one of those stereotypical things that people expect all women to do compulsively, but I have to say I'm... well, somewhat clueless when it comes to footwear. I also am cheap and have to get it through my damn head that maybe in this case quality is more important than quantity. Thus, the pile of clearance shoes that hurt or don't fit right and are sitting around not being worn. I ordered some Clarks from Amazon recently, because I like how they look and they seem to have a reputation for being comfortable and of quality, (and ok - they were heavily marked down) but while they are cute and all, I'm not finding them as comfortable as I hoped they would be. The comfort and fit will vary from style to style within the brand you say? So I can't just pick a brand and assume all of their shoes will be wonderful? Well, shit. Now I've got a pair of Softspots shoes on the way. Have I tried these on before? No. Has anyone personally recommended them to me? Um, no. I just thought they looked nice as well as functional, and I'm taking a chance that they are as comfortable and pillowy as they claim to be in the description. And, alright - they were 30 bucks BUT they were 70 originally. Eh? Do I just set myself up for bad footwear? Or does cost not necessarily mean quality? Because I've read all kinds of awesome reviews of Dansko shoes, none of which are under $100 and yet, the almost-new pairs that were (granted) handed down to me... well, they really aren't too impressive or comfortable or anything. Maybe it's just me. If you have shoe advice, please share. I know trying them on first is a no-brainer, and I do when I can but I just haven't been too happy with the shoe selection around here, so I've turned to the internets. So, do you go for looks or comfort or clearance? Do you have a favorite brand that's never let you down? Do you have wicked high arches like me? Haalp!

Awkward Pause

So, the dentist takes a quick look at my teeth this morning and clasps his hands together and smiles. "Well, let me start by asking you this: do you have good dental insurance?"

Ha!

Um, no. As in: yeah, none.

I should've said "And now ask me what kind of work I do"

Wait for it...

"Insurance!"

But it turns out the work needed isn't too terrible. Need some bonding where my stupid gums have receded too much. But still, it sucks to look at spending $100 per tooth, when they say that insurance would cover 50-90% of it, if of course, I had said insurance. Then again, I know it could be much much worse.

Also, it's funny to hear the dentist say "Fascinating... this is the kind of x-ray that dentists want to show other dentists and talk about." I'm assuming he meant the screws and other signs of my jaw surgery, and hopefully not like wow, everybody look at how impressively shitty her teeth are.

My head is hurting, which probably means the onset of a menstrual migraine and/or I need to replace my contacts. Sheesh, just a barrel of monkeys over here!

And yes, since you axed, I have been watching American Idol this season. That's why at our house you'll hear J in the background exclaiming "Arrgh! That's just god-fucking-awful" or "Stay on the beat, damnit!" And of course I can't watch quietly either, I'm usually all "Whaat?! They loved that? Pffft!" But I guess some people must've agreed with me, seeing as how Surly McRaspyvoice finally got voted off last night. Alright, that wasn't nice - I'm sure she'll do well... um, as a Melissa Etheridge impersonator or something? I don't know.

Hey, are any of you into this Twitter thing? I just joined and I know, it's probably like any other web phenomena - as in: now that I'm doing it, it won't be cool anymore - but if you are so inclined to follow my day to day minutia or share yours... well, you know, holla!

Some People Have Real Problems

I'm liking this album for several reasons. If you've never heard of Sia - well, I won't attempt to compare her to anyone else - but I'll just say she's got an amazing amount of white-girl soul, she's sassy, and she's an Aussie (extra points)! I'm a big fan of Zero 7, who have featured her vocals on several of their tracks (remember Destiny? I think it got a bit of airplay.) Sometimes the up and down vocal runs (a la Christina Aguilera and most other female pop vocalists and Idol contestants) can be a bit too much, but damn, when Sia lets go and belts those strong, clear notes it is just a powerful, beautiful thing that gives me chills. I'd recommend checking out the tracks "You Have Been Loved" (gets me verklempt), "Day Too Soon", "Buttons" (fun, upbeat single I've included in my "workout mix" for if I ever um, actually get my ass around to working out - freaky video though), and "Distractions" (on the Zero 7 album Simple Things) or you know, tell me to email you some tunes or whatevah.
I also can't help but have a fondness for the clever album title and cover art. I love her expression of being in la la land while drawing on her face with markers. Alright, maybe I am partial since I once did this myself - although it was probably at age 5. I vaguely remember getting up in the morning before everyone else and having this brilliant idea of drawing "makeup" on myself, and being quite proud of my work. I think I scared the crap out of my mom when she saw my garish, clown-like makeup job that almost completely covered my face (who doesn't want to wake up to that?) and I remember being marched to the bathroom and instructed to keep scrubbing until it came off. Not sure if the markers were of the "washable" variety - though I'm sure Crayola didn't intend for even those to be used for decorating one's face. The mental image I have is of these big scary black eyebrows I drew that would not wash off, just faded to a sickly green that stuck around long enough to make me slightly worried that I'd always have a surprised/angry/diseased look on my face. Oh, and I'm sure there were freckles too, as I had been known to draw on a couple of my less fortunate dolls. Lurvely!

So, then

"If this darkness came from light
Then light can come from darkness, I guess" *

Think I might be on an upswing as of late, and damn it's been a long time since I've said or felt that. So, yay me.

I had my annual cooter check uh, exam this week. Geez, most of the staff there could really give a shit about the patients. I know they get crabby, crazy, sickly people harassing them all the time, but when I am polite and friendly it would be nice to get the same in return. Or you know, to not be forgotten about after giving a urine sample (thankfully, they do have a little cabinet in the bathroom that you put the sample in, so when you come out you don't have to stand around like a jackass AND be holding your warm cup of pee.) But anyway. The NP I saw was really nice, and took time to listen to me and my complaints. So, the meds are being tweaked and my thyroid is being checked again, as it still seems to be a bit wonky despite the previous normal test results. Oh, and if I haven't given you TMI already, I also apparently have tilted lady parts - which I'm surprised no one's mentioned before, but sort of explains some things. Ahem.

J picked up Rock Band for the 360 last weekend, so we've been heh, rockin' out with that for entertainment. Though I can't toot my own horn too much as I've only done vocals so far. (Anyone want to hear me screech "Listen alla y'all it's a sabotaaaage"?) J's got mad skillz though, on guitar, drums and vocals. Have you ever heard the song Green Grass & High Tides? Good Lord, it's like 10 minutes long and most of it is one big-ass guitar solo. So, that's been fun. The cat puts his ears back and stares at us with a wide-eyed expression of both interest and horror, but yet he wants to be around when we're playing.


* From a Mason Jennings song. I've really been digging on him lately. He's folky, clever, and has somewhat of a Bob Dylan-esque singing style. But he's more than that - I'm no good at music reviews - he's just cool.

"These burritos are for my feet" said the truck driver who had no heat

• It was so cold and windy over the weekend that the winter weather advisory actually said "If you don't HAVE to go outside, please do not." We didn't, at least on Sunday when the windchill was way below zero and everything was a blur of white. I'm tired of winter, and having snow inside my shoes and/or socks. Gahhh. You'd think I'd have invested in some big ol' boots by now.

• I notice that when I use conditioner, it not only makes my hair soft (duh) but it also makes a gob of it fall out when I rinse. What's up with that? Is it weeding out the weak hairs (and why couldn't it just take out the sneaky gray ones)? It seems to happen with whatever kind of conditioner I use, even when I just use a dab and don't leave it on for any length of time. Weird.

• Do you ever have dreams where you kind of morph between watching a movie and being in it? I had some warped Star Wars dream recently, and I was commenting (within the dream) "Huh, I don't remember that effeminate guard putting on lipstick while he's supposed to be watching Princess Leia, nor do I remember the words "bitch" or "vagina" being used in the original Star Wars movie." (Though some people would probably say that's not much worse than the stuff they added to the remastered versions in more recent years.) HA!

Thinking in circles

I don't have much of anything interesting to tell you. But, I realize I haven't really been telling you much of anything. Because I'll go to, and then I think "Hmm, is this going to make me sound even more batshit bonkers than I feel?" Or, "Does everyone really want to hear about my female problems, my insecurities, or how much I love my cat?" But then again, that's just an example of how much second-guessing I do, to the point of ridiculousness. I don't know if second-guessing is part of the whole family of depression/anxiety problems - seems like sort of a protection mechanism that got way, waaay overblown somewhere down the line. I don't know how to explain it, other than it effects the most mundane day-to-day decisions. It effects important decisions too, but that sort of makes more sense than my thought process for mundane decisions. Like, when looking at a menu - usually something will sound good to me pretty quickly. But it takes me FOREVER because I have to second-guess this choice, and how much I might regret not getting something else, and didn't I just have chicken yesterday, and won't it be horrible if it sucks and I didn't go with some other choice, or will I regret not going with my initial decision? And all these stupid thoughts that DON'T MATTER because it's just fricking lunch and it's not the end of the world, and ohmygod why do I get paralyzed with indecision over a sandwich, for chrissakes?! But still. Imagine that kind of indecisive mental banter through daily activities such as selecting what to wear each day, which route to take to work, doing any kind of shopping, etc. and well, I guess that would bring you to the conclusion that: she must have too much time on her hands, but also: "wow, I see why you're always late and never seem to get anything done!" It's so stupid and trivial I shouldn't have even brought it up. Granted, I'm not like this all the time [Really! I can be "normal" too!], it just seems like I'm having more instances of "Wow, holy neurosis!" lately.

Which brings me to something I read recently on Jung's theory of neurosis:

"Jung's theory of neurosis is based on the premise of a self-regulating psyche composed of tensions between opposing attitudes of the ego and the unconscious. A neurosis is a significant unresolved tension between these contending attitudes."

"Although adjusted well enough to everyday life, the individual has lost a fulfilling sense of meaning and purpose, and has no living religious belief to which to turn. There seems to be no readily apparent way to set matters right. In these cases, Jung turned to ongoing symbolic communication from the unconscious in the form of dreams and visions."

I haven't read a whole lot on Jung to say whether or not I'd agree with most of his theories, but that second part especially struck a chord. The thing about reading up on anything medical and/or psychological though, is that although I find it greatly interesting and at times helpful, I can too easily find myself identifying with symptoms that may or may not really be existent in my case. Hence, the being nervous and neurotic and whatnot. It's probably best to take everything with a grain of salt.

So, on one hand I feel like I've said too much and on the other it does feel a little better to actually get this stuff out of my head.

Yargh.

Nervous Overload

Dude. Snow has gone from "Tolerable but still annoying" status to "Fucking suck-ass, when is it ever going to fucking stop?!" lately.

Did I mention I'm not a big fan of driving? I mean, I'll do it as necessary but during the winter months especially I go into Nervous Mode, worrying about the drive to and from work. I try to tell myself that I've braved these conditions and worse before, that I should be extra grateful to have a garage so I don't have the added bonus of having to clean a foot of snow off my car in the morning and deal with frozen locks and crap like that. "But still!" I'll insist "The schools are closed and people are getting killed in accidents out there! AAAAHHH!" And then I proceed to incorporate awful morbid thoughts into my morning routine... You know, I don't even want to write those down right now, as I'll freak myself out and it just seems like bad luck. But trust me, they are just bad and ugly and unhelpful and not a good way to start the day. There's something to be said for intuition, but I think my anxiety sort of blurs that line because for most of the winter my gut would tell me not to go anywhere.

But, I worry! That's what I do! This isn't called Nervous Thoughts for nothing, right?! Oh, sorry - I didn't mean to yell and clutch at your arm like that.

Anyway, I made it to work safely (granted it took about 35 minutes to make a 15 minute drive) so I'll shutup and be thankful for that. And on the bright side it's Friday and no one else is here at work, so I can turn up the speakers and chair-dance all I want.

Seven Thingies

Well, here I've gone for a ridiculously long time without anything to write, and I see that Peggasus over at Artsy Fartsy tagged me with a good old-fashioned meme-posting opportunity (Thanks, Peg!). You may have done this one before, I may have told you these things before, you may not care to know these things, but I'm going for it anyway. I tag whoever reads this and is in need of some posting material.

Share 7 random and/or weird things about yourself:

1. I'm a loud nose-blower. J mentioned that when we're in bed and he hears me pull a tissue out of the box, he braces himself. *Honk*
   
2. The first album I obsessively loved (probably around age 5) was Meet The Beatles! from my dad's record collection. When everyone got sick of me playing it over and over on the stereo, I'd go in my room and listen to it on my Fisher Price record player. And daydream about Paul.
   
3. I sleep with socks on most of the time. (I gots cold feets!)
   
4. I get weirdly addicted to/obsessed with smells. Well, good ones mostly. More on that later.
   
5. One of the more embarrassing things I did while stoned was pull over to the side of the road when I saw flashing lights - which, it turned out, were coming from a tow truck. Ahem. *Cough*
   
6. I've always liked doing voice impersonations and sometimes pick up the mannerisms or inflections of the person I'm talking with - hopefully not in a way that's insulting to them.
   
7. The Prince album with the symbol o[+> as the title (you know, the one with "7" on it) was the first album I owned on CD, and that song is now in my head. (It seemed appropriate to go along with this 7 things post.) He's had his ups and downs and freaky-deakiness over the years but I've always had a special fondness and a space in my music collection for Prince.
   

Listerine Toothpaste

Why I thought that the Listerine toothpaste would somehow taste better than the mouthwash, I'm not sure - but I gave it a try anyway. And yes, it does taste a lot like the blue (cool mint I think) flavor of mouthwash, which consists of:

1 part medicine/antiseptic
2 parts menthol cough drops
1 part old man smell*

(I'm assuming they didn't make the toothpaste in original flavor, if so I think it would be the same as above minus the cough drop flavor and with 2 parts old man smell.)

But man, does it leave your mouth refreshed and tingling for a long time after brushing! Plus it doesn't bother my sensitive teeth. So I'd give it a 3.5 out of 5. Just in case anyone wants to know.


*Does it smell like old men or do old men smell like Listerine? Woah-ho-ho...

The Late Late New Year Post

Hey! Happy late New Year everybody. And thanks for still coming by Ye Olde Blog even when I've been sucky about posting. I've been quiet, but I'm still reading and enjoying your blogs, even if I do it sneakily (through Google reader) sometimes.

We made it through the holidays okay. Having J's brother and his pregnant wife stay with us during the week of Christmas was cool. The baby is due in May and I bet they're going to be great parents. They're kind of in the same boat as I would be in though - not having a whole lot of experience around kids. I gave them the one baby tip I could think of - no honey for infants, they can get botulism! I remember that one because botulism is one of those words that irritates me - it totally sounds like it should be the name of some cult religion instead of what it is.

We also gave the expecting parents one of those safety bath duckies that indicates when the bath water is too hot. I told them I wanted to get them the Dustin Hoffman model of ducky that shrieked "Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!" but they were all sold out. Everyone just looked at me like I was a sick bastard for saying that, but oh well. Really, there are so many hip and clever items for babies and expecting mothers and such out there I'll have to hold back from going baby-shopping crazy for my almost-in-laws.

Anyway, we got a TON of snow last week and now it's warmed up and rainy. While that's a formula for a decent sized puddle of water in the basement (which can be added to our list of Annoying Homeowner Concerns), my mood is still a whole lot better when the temperature is above freezing. But it's too early to get my hopes up that we can just skip on into spring at this point.

As far as resolutions for the New Year, I'm with the team that makes changes in habits at any given point during the year rather than in January. I'm also a procrastinator. But if I must choose one for now, it'll be: eat more fiber. Beneficial and attainable! (Albeit lame, yes - but I'm starting small, ok?)

Relaxed Fit

1. Our long-term relationship with each other.
2. The kind of pants we're both wearing now.

Annual Holiday Whine

This is about the point in the holiday spectrum where I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, hiding under the covers until it's all passed.

Well, you know - more than I normally do.

It's stupid. I just blow things out of proportion, and probably set myself up to feel like a shmuck. I used to feel like I was pretty good at gift-giving. Now I feel like everything I give is just an example of how lazy, thoughtless, and lame I am. It doesn't help that I'm about out of money at this point, but even if I wasn't I'm not sure I'd have any more of an idea of brilliant, thoughtful gifts to buy that would make me feel proud to give people. I know the money spent isn't what's most important, but still. Ugh.

Over the last 3 nights, I made up a bunch of cookies from recipes I hadn't tried before. While a little part of me wants to be proud of that, the gloomy-grumbly side of me is just thinking of how they should've been so much better considering the time spent on them, and how I always seem to fuck up at least the first dozen, even when it's a simple recipe. And giving these to my boss is probably just as half-assed as my overall job performance. So there's that.

But, as I'm known to do, I'm thinking of myself too much. I'm my own worst critic, I just tend to think that that's what everyone else thinks of me, if that makes sense. Every little thing I do - good or bad - is probably not critiqued as severely as I think it is. (Er, hopefully.)

And just to pile on the ol' grief, there's the nagging "bad family juju" thoughts in the back of my mind. Last year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas my brother managed to get himself arrested, get out on bond, and then get sent back to the slammer after committing the same damn offense while awaiting his sentencing on the original offense. My parents did what they could to help with legal aid, counseling and support, among other things. But it pretty much threw everyone for a loop and put quite a damper on Christmas. But life went on and he served his time and all that. Then just a couple weeks ago, my mom called to tell me "Your brother's not doing well - he's back in jail again. Same thing as last time." Well, Merry fucking Christmas again. I don't know how to feel. Guilty for feeling angry and somewhat disgusted by his behavior, but then also being honestly angry and disgusted by his behavior. Worried that he might really have lost his mind and that his actions are in some way out of his control. Guilty for not doing more to contact him and help in some way. Sad. Feeling really sorry for my parents, who I imagine are thinking "how did our kids end up being such shits?" (Except they wouldn't say "shits" and might not include my oldest brother in their disappointment - he's doing pretty well, but he is all the way in Australia.) Bah!

We've got company coming to stay with us next week. While they are probably my favorite people to have come visit (J's brother and his wife) - I just feel the pressure. That our accommodations aren't good enough, that I'm too depressed/depressing to be a good hostess. That there aren't enough places to sit or sleep comfortably. That I'm selfish and want to enjoy some alone time in the little time I have off. But again, it's not all about me.

Don't mind me, just venting! I know there's plenty to enjoy and be grateful for this holiday season. Sorry to be such a downer there, folks.

Caught!

"Go 'way, I'm on tha puter..." [takes a gazillion screenshots]

"Hey! Uhm, nuthins to see here!" [looks for cat porns]

Non-sequitur dream time!

The other night I had a dream that we went to a new church with our neighbors. And even though both of us are usually skeptical of the kinds of churches that try to be too "cool" and "hip" and "casual", we actually liked this place. We even participated in their churchly icebreaker activities, which led to playing this odd game of charades. So, it was my turn and I was supposed to be a frog - but for some reason, I could only use my facial expressions to demonstrate this. So I'm trying to mime catching a fly with my tongue, and it's not going well. Everyone's quietly watching dumbfounded for a while, and then one eager participant offers "Oh, I know! Are you... SATAN?!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Whew, now don't get me started on Christmas...

T-day went over pretty well. The folks all got along, the food was great, and there were only a few minor complications. My dad was introduced to J's parents, and they seemed to do fine chatting with each other and my mom. (No religious debates! Limited hinting for grandkids (Um, look at the cute grandcat instead)! Only a few morbid discussions! Woo hoo!) I guess the only thing I wish I would've done better was be a better hostess. I mean, I wasn't rude (er, I hope not) or anything, and I did become more social and pleasant after having a drink (or two), but still. I just don't like that a) I get frazzled so easily and b)I don't hide it very well, which does not make me fun to be around. Really, there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get all stressed out - I was just assisting J in the kitchen for the most part - being the kickass cook he is, he did almost all of the food, including the huge delicious turkey. Plus, we only had 4 guests, all of whom are close family members - then again, it was all of our parents - together! So, I guess I really have no reasonable explanation for feeling that frazzled, other than wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I do notice that when it's close quarters and there are people all talking at once that I do tend to get overloaded and just want to get away from everyone. Not just in this situation, but in general. I'm not sure if I was always this way (highly sensitive) to an extent or if this is a more recent development. It could be that I'm just not as used to it due to spending a lot of time alone or just with J these days. Ack! Human interaction! I loved seeing them all, but can't say I wasn't relieved when everyone went home that night.

Anyway, it was great having the long weekend to relax. I slept in and then made coffee every morning (which I never have time to do during the weekdays), read, and enjoyed lots of yummy leftovers (we still have more, even after sending lots home with the parents). So, altogether I really can't complain. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves too!

Tig Ol' Burkey

Ok, so I'm not freaking out about Thanksgiving. But I'm also not not freaking out, maaan! Because as you know that is what I do. Nah, it should be fine. It will just be J and I, his parents, my mom, my dad, the cat, and one huge-ass 30lb turkey. As you see, my mom and dad are listed as separate items but they get along fine for the most part, so no big worries there. I just need to keep the folks all chatting or otherwise entertained and not hovering in the kitchen. Think we can get them all to play Wii bowling or some sort of board game? Will we have to rely on the cat to provide the entertainment? Will the dads insist on watching football? Will the moms corner me with wedding questions/suggestions that I can't back out of? Will I be scolded for playing my music, even when it's been carefully selected for the present company? (I know, it's our damn house - but it's happened before.) Will J and I get obnoxiously shnockered in front the 3 out of 4 non-drinking parents? Will I be able to contribute an edible side dish and/or dessert? Will I get my ass in gear and clean the place up adequately enough before Thursday? I don't know, I don't know! Well, we'll just have to see.

So if I don't talk to you beforehand, I hope you all have a warm, happy Thanksgiving (and/or Spanksgiving, if that's what you're into.)

Salud!

These are the days of soup and corduroys (the corduroys I spilled soup on)

I made some pumpkin butterscotch cookies last night - and hey, they're pretty good! It seemed like an odd combo at first, but the butterscotch sweetens up and blends with the pumpkin quite nicely. I'm determined to try to do more domestic-type thingies lately, to give myself some small sense of accomplishment. Our house could definitely use some extra attention. It's not so much that I don't like things to be clean and orderly, it's more that I have the bad habit of putting things off over and over again. (My reasoning for being a slob, I suppose.) The piles of laundry, dishes, etc. just get so out of hand so quickly - even with just the two of us - it's embarrassing. If I just break things down into small tasks that I want to accomplish each day, maybe it won't seem so overwhelming. (Not that cookies are really a task on the list that NEEDS to be accomplished... wait, yes. Yes, they were totally necessary.)

Thankfully, it hasn't really snowed here yet. Just a mix of snow with rain. Pretty damn cold though. Ugh. I really do like the fall - it's just that in Michigan we sometimes don't get much of one before we get blasted with winter. Bleh.

I'm dragging my feet about the upcoming holidays, and I know that's a sucky way to be. Things are just different now. It feels like instead of appreciating the time we have together, it's a time to reflect on how disjointed our family has become, and think about what we could've been but are not. I was talking to my mom the other night and she said "I just never thought it would be like this... your brother in Australia, your other brother, well... (big sigh), and...." she just drifted off from there. I felt like what she could've said and didn't was that even though I'm here, it's like I'm not really here. For so long, it felt like I was the second in command - behind my mother - of bringing the family together. My brothers, even if they were around, were always distant and/or complicated to reach. But I was there, doing what my mom wanted (albeit begrudgingly some of the time). It's sort of sad that I don't have the inclination to do this anymore - whether it's my selfishness or complacency or both. Now I've sort of drifted away from the family too, when maybe it's the time that I really need to step in and do my part more than ever before. I don't know. Things seem, for the most part, so much lighter and warmer with J's family - but I know it's not fair to repeatedly elect to spend holidays with them and slight my own family. So, I think we're going to invite people from both sides to our house for Thanksgiving (not that we haven't invited them before) and just hope for the best. We'll see. I know everybody goes through the holiday/family stress and they have situations way more complicated than mine - I guess I just wish I was in a better mental/emotional state to deal with it.

We don't talk like we used to

I don't feel like I've had much of anything good to say for quite some time. So, I haven't. Just being quiet, you know. And the longer you're quiet, the more you get used to it. Not that it's necessarily a good thing. It's not just that I'm not writing here or in any kind of journal - I'm finding it difficult to just write emails, even no-pressure, friendly emails like I used to. I hardly ever answer the phone when calls come in (except for at work, since I have to) and even feel at a loss for words with the people I'm closest to. I'm just foggy and distant, and not in the way the cool kids are. Some of this might have to do with halving the antidepressants, but I feel like if I say that, people think I'm just making an excuse for being a shithead. I wasn't always like this, really!

I have, however, been reading a lot - which, even though is a leisure activity, it's one I don't feel too bad about. Even if it is Harry Potter, because *shut-up* they are totally addictive. Just finished book 6 (thanks for making me cry, J-Ro) and feel the impending doom of the series being over after the next one. I've also been checking out a lot of new (to me, at least) indie/alternative/folky music through eMusic, which almost always perks me up a bit. Yay for buttloads of freshly burned mixed CDs! (What, you thought I'd be all "with the times" and have an iPod by now? Oh hells no!)

Anyway, I don't know if there was a point to all this, but if there was it was that I'm gonna try to talk/write more and see if that helps to get it out, so be forewarned or whatever...

Getting back to the books

I've finally gotten around to reading some books that were recommended to me ages ago. I don't always do so well with recommends, it's selfish but I usually like to be the one to "discover" the book. I don't know. Nerdish thrills, I guess. Anyway, the boss had loaned me Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore something embarrassing like a year ago, but once I finally gave it a chance it moved quickly and was really quite entertaining. Then I moved on to a loaner from my mom that had been collecting dust - The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I have to say I was a bit hesitant to get into this, as it is a "mom book" - no offense to my mom's taste in books, but sometimes I avoid them like I would certain drama movies because I just won't feel in the mood for something that's a painful-yet-touching story about overcoming adversity, recommended by so and so's book club, etc. That said, it was a pretty good book and even a bit heartwarming, so that should teach me to judge. And now, I'm finally reading the first Harry Potter book, as J has suggested several times. Yep, folks - had to break down and do it. Now, my excuse for dragging my feet about starting the HP books is that I just didn't think I'd be "into" that kind of thing, and I don't want to feel obligated to read every book in the series - I just don't need that kind of pressure, damnit! But I am assured that they'll be so entertaining and will go so quickly, that I will want to read them all of my own free will. We'll see. (Don't all start chanting "One of us! One of us!")This is just another example of how I'm behind the times with pop culture. I never seem to get around to checking things like this out until after all the hubbub has died down.

---

Well then. I wrote that first part a couple weeks ago. Now I'm on the third Harry Potter book. Go figure. In the meantime, I also read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore and started his first book Practical Demonkeeping - I like his sense of humor and so far the books of his have been really clever and entertaining, great to get your mind off of things. I don't think I do too well with giving book reviews, but I'd definitely give it the thumbs up and nod repeatedly if you asked if it was worth checking out.

Cat Lesson #16

Scoring water from any source other than the specified "cat bowl" not only tastes better and temporarily cures boredom, but also reminds the human of another important cat lesson: finders keepers.

Dreams... of the future?

Suddenly, we had a new house that we couldn't afford, much larger and much more elegant than anything I had thought we would call home. I loved it, but knew it must be some sort of mistake - it couldn't really be ours. Three bathrooms! Multiple levels! A beautiful view! It was some sort of alternate reality - it was our house but it wasn't - and I guess we figured we'd enjoy it while we could. Then just as suddenly as the house had appeared, I was holding our baby girl. I've seen her in dreams before - big bright eyes and the chubbiest of cheeks. I was kissing her soft little cheeks and then realized I didn't really know what to do with her - she didn't even have a diaper on. She looked up at me and started to fuss and get teary-eyed with a look that said "You don't know what you're doing!" I looked at her and started to get teary-eyed too, and said softly "I'm sorry baby, I don't know what I'm doing..." as I grabbed some paper towels to put under her.

Bad Cracklins

A bothersome development: my jaw is feeling, well... crackly on and off lately. This can't be good. Like, it'll feel tight and similar to how it feels when a knuckle or other joint needs to be cracked, and I'm able to "pop" it, but that doesn't necessarily feel good or relieving. The thing that worries me is that I had jaw surgery 14 years ago and I don't think I should even be able to pop my jaw, at least I hadn't been able to until recently. Shit. I suppose I need to call the jerkass oral surgeon but I'd of course prefer not to. I wonder if there's some sort of warranty on this thing. If there was it's probably run out by now. What if I have to have another surgery? I never even considered that it would be a possibility, that the first one might not fully take. I was 15 at the time so I don't remember what all they told me. Maybe there was something in the fine print about you're not supposed to give blowjobs or it'll ruin the whole thing, but they were too polite to bring it up that warning considering my age at the time. Well, oops. Way too late now. Damnit.

At the moment

I hate feeling like this. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this and that's not helping. I can realize that it's probably 50% hormonal, 25% things that have been building up, and 25% the reality of the situation but that doesn't help much either. You know, up late - when I should be tucking myself into bed - but instead it's all bouts of tears and sniffles and wanting to scream. This is when I realize I don't have a good outlet or coping mechanism, I feel so overwhelmed that I could explode. I have nowhere for these feelings to go. Well, I have my silly little blog, apparently. But right now I just feel really, deeply, alone. Distanced from everything. And that when I'm the only one I can turn to or depend on, I don't do that so well. I feel like everyone who has ever been close to me has just gotten frustrated and given up or somehow or another shook their heads with disapproval. I feel like I need a friend more than ever. I need to be true to myself more than ever. I don't know how to describe it. It seems like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, and thinking about that makes me feel that much more miserable. I know this sounds ridiculous and whiny, and I'm trying not to think about that and just write, because every time I picture someone reading what I write or listening to my feelings, I see them rolling their eyes and giving me the "pssht, whatever." My own wavering sense of self worth can really make it feel like everyone is against me. Like I'm difficult to love, or even to listen to or be around. My feelings or expressions no longer seem valid to you, and I feel like some passive-aggressive mess begging to be validated. I'm scared and unsure about the future more than ever. I wish that with all my doubts and insecurities, that I could at least be sure about something. Even if it's just this one thing. I know it won't always feel like this and I don't want it to now either. Even if it only makes sense to me and I'll regret it tomorrow, I guess I needed to get that out. Goodnight.

Phoning it in

Sometimes it feels like I'm only running at, like, 20% power. You know, enough to cover basic functions and tasks but not a whole lot else. I'm sure everyone has felt similar from time to time, but when you tell people you've felt that way for maybe 3 or 4 years then it's not so understandable. I think something is telling me it's time for a change. Yeah, maybe it takes me longer than most people to pick up on those clues.

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky

Since the fiance and I moved from apartment life into house life, we've had quite a bit of adjusting to do. Not just with the upkeep of the place but also the social aspects. Neighbors at our apartment complex for various reasons were best avoided if at all possible, which usually was not possible. Still, people pretty much kept to themselves, whether it be in a "fuck you, I'm gonna just carry on like no one else lives here" kind of way or in a "let's respectively ignore each other and pretend that we have some privacy" kind of way. So now that we're in a neighborhood of mostly friendly people, I have to keep in mind that they most likely are being genuinely nice, and aren't out to steal our newspaper or poop in our washing machine as soon as we're not looking. (God, I hope not anyway.)

The funny thing about running into neighbors is that unless you know them really well, there is always somewhat of the same conversation taking place. Because really, what do you talk about with neighborhood acquaintances? The thing about these conversations is that they just don't seem to go much of anywhere.

"Have you met so and so that lives across the street?"
"No, not yet."
"Yeah, me neither."
Shrug.

Or

"I've seen you guys outside, you know, doing yard work and stuff."
"Oh, yep - I see you sometimes too."
"Oh yeah, we've waved."
"Yeah!"
Long pause.
"So... uh, have you met so and so over there?"

Or

"Oh, I remember the nice lady who used to live in your house."
"Mmm hmm."
"We were all surprised when she died."
"Yeah, that's really too ba-"
"From what I understand it was somewhat sudden."
"Leave me alone, I didn't do it."

Well, okay - you get the point. You talk about your lawns and stuff you want to do to your house, and hear the occasional tidbits of gossip about other neighbors, and it's really not all bad. It just takes some getting used to. As cynical as I am though, I am thankful for the small talk and little social interactions. We've even forged somewhat of a friendship with the couple next door, and try to make more of an effort to get to know the other surrounding neighbors. I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but for us it's quite an achievement to keep breaking away from our safe, anti-social comfort zone! (Can I throw in one more time that our last apartment really made us bitter and we stayed there about 3 years too long?)

What about you? Best/worst neighbor interactions to share?

No, that's not me in the picture

Anyway. As a follow-up to the last post: I did get a haircut that I really like (shorter than I expected, but it's bouncy-bouncy), but unfortunately didn't do so until after getting my god-awful license picture taken. (The lady was nice enough to do a couple retries before just saying "Sorry, I think that's as good as it's gonna get.") I REALLY don't photograph well (especially when I'm expecting it) and think I ended up looking like a tired, pale, bloated, thug. I mean, I was tired, pale and bloated but looking thuggish was sort of a surprise. Anyway, I had plenty of comfort food and comfort drinks over the weekend, and had a really nice 29th birthday overall. Sorry for all the whining that led up to it.

Fuddle-duds

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. Sometimes I look at how far I've come, and sometimes I feel like I'm worse than ever. Is it the cutback on the antidepressants? Could be. Or a bunch of other things. Or nothing really at all. My birthday is on Friday, the last b-day of my twenties. Oh, I know - don't get all sad and reflective. But you know I do. And also get overwhelmed with the feeling of "where did all that time go? And what do I have to show for it?" But then, this coming year some big things will happen and perhaps it will all just get better and better from here on out. Yeah...

I've just been down. Particularly unhappy with my job and not sure how much longer I should stay here. It's not that the job is bad, it's just that being here makes me feel bad. And, you know - reclusive, inferior, bitter, negative, etc. That's all. Maybe that's what it's like for most people. But then I kinda think there might be something out there that's a better fit. Then again, I also have the feeling that if I leave too soon - like on a depressed whim - I will really regret it and realize that I had it pretty good here. Meh.

I'm feeling frumpy and ugly and not particularly looking forward to getting a new license picture taken or giving the state $83 that I don't have for the new license and tags. Or getting a stupid new license plate because they decided to change the colors - I like the one I have! But, whaddaya do?

Sorry for being such a stick in the mud. I think I could use a haircut, some ibuprofen and some sort of comfort food. That usually helps.

In this issue of ManCat...

We bring you this oh-so-sexy centerfold shot of Mr. Jones. Sure, it's probably because it happened to be the only one readily available on the computer at work to our staff, but more importantly because you look like you could use a little ManCat love. Just try to resist petting that belly-fur. He promises to give you a warning lick before he bites!



Also, no one told me previously about the Kitty Cat Dance video? I could've had this song stuck in my head months ago, people!

Your Head A Splode

Sometimes, for no good reason,
I find myself worrying that I might have a brain tumor
And then I wonder,
Is it the brain tumor that's making me think that?

Woah.





P.S. Hey, sweet! I just found a collection of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" online.

Perma-wrinkles (haiku)

Frowning at my pants
If I didn't ever sit
They would look better

But what's really been going on?

Not much here. Other than one little trip to Target, we were pretty much shut-ins all weekend. You'd think with all that time at home, I would've tidied it up pretty well. Alas, it's only about 25% tidied, if that. Oh well. Sometimes you gotta just laze about, read, eat, snooze and not do anything overly productive on the weekend. The fee-on-say had good reason, what with the after-effects of gum surgery (poor thing!) and the vicodin and all that. As for me, I just felt kind of blah.

Is it common for old injuries, aches and pains to act up more when it's rainy or overcast and humid? Or is this just another sign of getting older? My "old fart knee" as I affectionately call it sometimes, has been feeling odd and achy these last few days, and my boss mentioned that his bad back has been acting up as well.

I don't know when exactly, (suppose I should document it for posterity) but I quietly made the decision recently that I'd start to slowly slowly taper off the head-meds (zoloft) again. No jokes, please. We'll see how it goes. Last time it didn't go so well, so I went back on as usual, but I may have been too abrupt with it, or it just wasn't the right time. I'm not promising anything, I'm just seeing how it goes. So far I feel relatively okay. I know I'm not a child or a very high risk I guess, but it's a little surprising how the doctor's office pretty much couldn't care less either way. They did stress that tapering slowly was important, but other than that, it's up to you, on or off, pssht - whatever, go home. This, and several other reasons make me think that it's probably time to move on to a different physician's practice. But I won't get into all that.

I can't wait to see what happens on Big Love tonight. That show is such a soap opera, and I'm hooked.

Puffy Eyes & Poems

Today,
I am puffy-eyed, tired, and just want
to read poetry that makes me
feel something
and think about you
But,
at least for now,
no more tears

Teenage Bun-Buns

Hey, thanks for rescuing me when I fell down your window well, guys. That was soooo embarrassing! I was so immature back then, uh, three weeks ago.


So ah, figured I'd just go ahead and help you out with summa these here dandelions (chomp chomp) - you know, since you guys aren't eating em. Is that kewl?

Oh and BTW, sorry 'bout all the turds. LOL, right guys!?

Fool Me Twice - or - No Really, It's Just The Top

Alright, I suppose I set myself up for this. I found what I thought was a cute, hint-of-cleavage-showing top at Penney's a while back. Now I know that some of you smart, fashion savvy ladies out there would've passed it by simply due to the implications of wearing something with an empire waist. Ohh, but not me. Apparently, I needed to learn my lesson. Uh, twice.

1st wearing: Future Mother-in-Law points out that even though she knows it's just a babydoll-style top, (at this point I cringe) she can't help but think of me carrying her future grandchild when she looks at me in it. Much baby talk, strong hinting and uncomfortableness ensues. At that point I consider never wearing that top again. But then...

2nd wearing, yesterday: I'm not planning on leaving the house much anyway, so I put it on again. I insist that J gives me his honest opinion on whether or not the shirt makes me look pregnant. He thinks it's cute and that I'm just being my usual paranoid self-conscious self. Well, I no more than stand in my driveway for ten seconds, and the neighbor lady walking by with her dog stops to chat, gets all big-eyed and asks if we're "expecting". "No, no - it's just the top" I respond flatly, folding my arms in an effort to cover myself up. "Oh that's the second time I've been wrong when I've asked someone that! It's those empire-waist tops!" "Heh, yeah." I brush off the comment and make small-talk as long as I can stand it, though I really just want to run back inside and/or die of embarrassment. Can't help but beat myself up over that one later for not knowing better, because the pudginess doesn't help my case (or self-esteem!) either. But for now, I will blame it on the top (shown below, except mine is just plain blue) and my failure to pick out flattering clothing. I must bid good riddance to you, my silly (albeit cute and inexpensive) fashion faux pas!

Favorite new show

My favorite, or actually our (yeah - isn't that cute?) favorite new show that's been running through my head lately is Flight of the Conchords. Have you seen this? It's really good stuff! I hate to compare it to anything because that won't quite do it justice - but I'll just say that if you're a fan of deadpan humor (e.g. The Office, Arrested Development), witty music parodies (e.g. Tenacious D), interesting-sounding (e.g. New Zealand) accents, or if you're just cool you will most likely dig it. Chances are if you've been on our couch recently we've shared this show (and possibly even some drinks & snacks) with you. If not, there are quite a few video clips that you can check out online if you're interested.


P.S. I totally looked up the proper usage of "e.g." versus "i.e." for this post, in order to impress all you fancy, highly-edumacated readers out there. Then I debated that it still didn't sound quite right and maybe I should just leave it out instead of risking it. Then I told myself to just shut-up and post this because that's beside the point of the whole thing anyhow. Ah, sweet nerdification!

The search continues...

Checked out another wedding venue this weekend, not sure if it's a likely candidate. One "plus" that they have is the BYOB policy, so we can supply the liquor, have their bartenders serve it and possibly save some money that way (we're trying to avoid a cash bar if possible, but it probably won't be possible). The negatives include: slightly out of town location, a gravel "parking lot" and the building itself (which is an old mill that's been renovated) looking from the outside pretty much like the surrounding buildings in that area - as in, ugly warehouse-like and/or abandoned. The room rental also isn't that cheap considering the above and that you have to rent place settings for $3.50 a pop. Plus, we both agreed that having a sign out front with "let us catar your event" just doesn't inspire confidence. Thankfully it didn't say "you're event" though - I think I would've screamed and run away at that point.

The suggestions were good for having a casual backyard wedding - our yard is just too small, and any family members who would have decent-sized property are a ways out of town. Still a consideration though. There are a few more places on my list that I want to visit - I'm trying to keep my hopes up. There has to be something at least halfway decent around here.








Of course, there's always the beach wedding idea - can't imagine what could go wrong there...

You mustn't touch

I know I have a number of somewhat silly hang-ups about things. One of them is personal space, and another is eating in the company of others. I may have noted in a previous post that I experience some displeasure and discomfort in others nosing in on whatever I'm eating. Sure, at home I wouldn't mind my fiance grabbing a bite off my plate or touching my food, we're cool like that - but with coworkers that feels like a boundary that just shouldn't be crossed. With one of my coworkers, I can blame this on two things: she happens to have a very inquisitive nature (she's usually interrupting you to ask another question while you're trying to answer the first one) and she never wears her damn glasses. So, say I bring something from a fast food place for lunch. Even if she's got something of her own, this is usually what happens:
Co: What'd you get?
Me: Oh, just a chicken sandwich off the dollar menu (shrugging as to promote the idea it's nothing to be too interested in.)
Co: Ohh. I haven't had that before, what kind?
Me: Just a fri-
Co: Lemme see it (rolls chair over to my desk, leans in about 3 inches from sandwich)
Me: (Feeling awkward) Yep, just yer basic chicken sand-
Co: Lemme see how much meat they put on it, what else is on it? (squinting and reaching for it)
Which mostly likely will lead to me slapping her hand away and yelling "Dude, back off! I am not lifting my buns up to show you my meat!" loud enough for everyone in the office to hear.
That'll teach her.

Distracted, discouraged, somewhat hopeful

Not to be a complainer, but... ah, fuck it - you know me. Lately I've really been making a concerted effort to get back into the wedding planning, but I'm still not getting very far. It just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does most women, that part that says "This! I want this and I must have it! I'm a princess, a pretty pretty princess!" Ok, maybe not. But I do need to get at least something in order, an' wit' a quickness. The few options that are out there are all getting booked for any of the decent dates next year. I'm feelin the pressure, yo. The trouble isn't just money - even though that is quite troubling - it's that I'm awful at making decisions, especially when I'm not that thrilled with any of my options. I know that sometime here in the nearish future, we'll be married. But right now, it just feels really out of reach and I feel just kind of stupid and bad about it. But that's just me. I've probably said all this before.

I've been seeing some really awful, like inexcusably bad, websites while looking for wedding vendors. Stuff that hasn't been updated in years, corny graphics from the 90s, the whole bit. Doesn't anyone check out business' websites these days? I mean, I'm not going to book something just by seeing it online, but damn, would it kill these people to put up some useful information? Maybe throw me a few decent pictures that aren't thumbnail size? It is at least somewhat representative of your business, no? Bah!

But it's alright.

So, how've you been? We should catch up again sometime soon.

Please don't report me to Clinton & Stacy

I need some new clothes, man. The good news is: I lost some weight over the last couple months. The bad news is: I haven't lost enough to really fit into the stuff I was wearing this time last year. So I'm in that awkward in-between phase where the few larger-sized items I bought a few months ago are just making me look bigger than I am now, and the smaller clothes I have are making me look like I'm a little too "poured into" them. I mostly wear button-up blouses to work and they will fit for the most part, except I'm getting that annoying peek-a-boo around the third button region across the bust (see pic of Ms. Spears with that problem, exaggerated). Oh, and that of course doesn't mean I'm not wearing these shirts. Because you know the look I'm going for says "Hey - I'm a little bit office, but I'm a little bit hussy too - lookit my bra!" But, you know, it's fine - just as long as I keep pulling on my shirt, and you don't view me from the side. Dude, I need some new clothes.

Invisible Roadblocks

Why do I always feel the need to give myself an intro to what I'm going to say? It's a whole lot of leading up to nothing. I feel as if I'm gradually unlearning any previous communication skills I had. Bear with, I feel some train-of-thought, free-form posts coming. And well, there I go again...

Last night I wasn't sleeping well, kept waking up in that annoying "I'm seriously WAY too awake at this hour" kind of way. Stupid brain wouldn't shut-up. The internal monologue went something like this:
"Hey! What was that joke, that was somewhat funny that time? Hmm, now you can't get back to sleep til you think of it! How did that go again?"
"Why? Who cares? Please, PLEASE shut up and just stop thinking about it!"
"Hey, how about I just keep repeating the song 'Hey Jude' in your head for no reason?"
"RRRGHH!"
"Can I just conjure up some abstract yet poignant dreams?"
"Fine. As long as I can sleep..."

And then I dreamed that a very nice lady (though I'm not quite sure who she was) was gently telling me that I could benefit from some counseling - because, A) most people can benefit from it, and B) I've hit somewhat of a roadblock that I need to work through in order to get on with my life.

Huh. And then I dreamed that I woke up and told you that.

The point is not lost on me, but still... weird.

Another from the blurry cat series

"Sooo snoozy... must continue grooming... so much belly-fur to tend to, but..." *yawn*


"Myeh. Finish baftime later..." *Honk-shoo*

Well, hose me down

So, recently - in an effort to give myself a more lively glow - I tried one of those "mystic tans" that I had heard about. I haven't done too well in the past with applying self-tanner at home - it always ends up looking like I have some sort of skin disease once I'm out in natural light. So I thought yeah, maybe having an automated machine hose me down with tanner would have better results.

I have to hand it to the woman at the tanning salon - she was very friendly and very thorough with the instructions. She even had me watch a demonstration video which instructed you to remove all clothing before you get sprayed, yet to my disappointment, did not show people demonstrating getting naked. Pfft. Anyway, she warned me that there is somewhat of a "learning curve" with using the system. It seemed pretty damn simple to me, but once I got in there I understood what she meant. See, once you get in the booth the whole thing happens so fast, and this automated voice is giving you instructions that you can't really hear what with all the misting and blowing and whatnot. I was too focused on whether or not I should be holding my breath, and when I did take one I ended up getting a lungful of the disgustingly-sweet tanning mist that was filling the entire chamber - that can't be good. So if I hadn't been busy coughing that out, I might've done a better job at holding out my arms as instructed to get an even coating. Oops. I was just glad that the whole spraying time was less than 20 seconds, as I already was feeling claustrophobic and having visions of gas chambers in that short amount of time.

So, the results? Pretty good, slightly smelly, a few splotchy spots and streaks where it was uneven, but not too bad. I wouldn't want to do this right before going out in a bathing suit (not that I see that happening any time soon) as the streaks would've been pretty obvious - but with clothes on, it looked pretty good and wasn't orangey. Bad thing is, the color only lasted for a few days (it can last up to a week) - so for $25 it probably wasn't the most practical. In my case though, I had really lotioned myself up before going in there, and the lady did warn me that if the moisturizer you use beforehand has mineral oil in it (oops, it did) the tan may not "take" as well. So, see? Learning curve.

In case you are considering this, here are a few other points to remember:
1. Get naked. I'm not sure if your bathing suit would make it without getting stained.
2. They will give you some "barrier cream" which is to be applied where you don't want the tanner to look freaky - such as palms & fingernails. Other places that they don't tell you about that will look dirty-tan afterwards? The bellybutton and the batty-crease. Ew. Also, I put the cream on my elbows considering they'd be somewhat dry, but it ended up looking weird when they were still white afterward.
3. Remember to breathe, and also - when appropriate - to not breathe.
4. The automated voice does a countdown before you get sprayed on one side, then another countdown for you to turn around and get sprayed on the other side. I'm glad the nice woman told me beforehand to expect this, because once you're in there the voice is about as distinguishable as the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons.
5. Keep in mind that you'll smell oddly sweet and feel a little sticky but won't be able to shower for 4 hours afterward.
6. Towel off really well, and don't put your favorite bra on right after the mystic tan - I had no choice but to wear it or walk back through the salon carrying it - I chose modesty and now that shit won't wash out.

So, I can't say it was an altogether bad experience, but I also probably won't rush back to do it again. What about you? Do you get a summer glow the old-fashioned (and free) way or do you prefer another method?

Different but kinda the same

Sorry for the lack of updates again. Spent yesterday lying on the couch trying to ease the pressure on my head and fighting the related nausea (pre-menstrual migraines are a bitch), watching some awful reality show marathon (Bad Girls Club), napping and snuggling with the cat when he'd allow it (he's gotta be in the right mood and it has to be his idea - cats, I tell ya). Okay, so that's not really a decent excuse. I just didn't feel like writing I guess.

The little get-together with my friends from school went fine. It ended up just being myself and 2 other girls so it wasn't really a ton of pressure. I mean, it wouldn't be for the average person, but being Nervous Girl and all - I felt a bit awkward about it. I felt like I didn't have a whole lot to share or a whole lot that I wanted to share. They are both getting married this year and due to my own indecision, my wedding date is up in the air. Not that it's a bad thing. But listening to all their wedding plans got me a bit stressed out. No one tried to make me feel bad or anything, I just felt a little bad, so I was kind of quiet. You know, one of those conversations where you go around the table and everyone shares what wonderful things they have planned and when it gets to me I just shrug. Part of it is that I don't really have the budget and/or connections that they do, and part of it is that I just don't care so much about putting up this front of fakeness and trying to impress people so much these days. I've always been a little "different" so I imagine my wedding will be a little "different" too, but it'll be sweet in it's own way. *Shrugs*

The thing with the upcoming high-school reunion is that it's been made to sound like it's by invitation only, and only if you're cool enough. Maybe that's just the source I'm getting it from though. I'm still in the same town that I graduated in, so it seems sort of odd that the people organizing this have had a hard time tracking down people such as myself. I'm not really interested in jumping through hoops to get invited to something that I'm not even that interested in attending, so I don't know if I'll bother. One of the girls I met with was like "oh, you can probably go... I'm going but... you know... it might be past the deadline anyway." This brought back the old feelings of being in high-school so much that I started feeling like putting on some flannel and cords, listening to NIN (ok, technically I still do - the new album is actually really good), writing bad poetry and telling everyone to fuck off. Good times, good times.

In other news of friends that come and go, I also found out last weekend that my one local female friend who I consider to be a "real" friend has decided to move to Philly in a couple weeks. This saddens me greatly, but I can't blame her for wanting to try something new, and to get out of Michigan. At least she'd still hopefully come back to visit since there's family and friends here, so we'll see.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
- Keane

Moving On To Other Worries...

Well, I can eat my words. The visit with dad was short and sweet, with no major issues to report.

I'm excited but also somewhat nervous to be meeting up with some old friends today. We were all really close in middle school, but gradually drifted apart during and after highschool. It should be a good time. I've just got to try to turn off that critical inner voice that compares myself to everyone else. But you know how that goes. If nothing else, maybe I can still pull off being "the funny one." There's also the 10 year highschool reunion coming up later this summer, which I haven't necessarily been invited to, as the popular folks are in charge of these things. Really not sure that I'd be up for going to that anyway.

Ah well, enough dwelling on what may or may not happen. I gotta go get ready.

Dads can be weird sometimes

I wonder if perhaps the best way to plan for a dad visit is to not plan so much at all. He doesn't often give a lot of notice, and insists on being vague about when he'll arrive and when he'll leave. This can tend to stress me out. It almost seems like he does it purposely so you can't say no. Leaves me feeling like I'm a bad hostess by having to ask "so... were you thinking of staying over, or... getting back on the road?" He'll say to just tell him if it won't work out, but it also feels like there's a load-bearing wall of guilt behind that statement. Like when he responds "sure I can find a... campground or cheap motel or something around there." I don't know. Maybe he gets just as uncomfortable as I do and just wants to see how things play out. Still, doesn't make it the easiest to plan around or prepare for.

So, this time I'm not really planning either. He's supposed to call my cell phone vaguely this afternoon, hopefully it's not when he's already waiting at our house. Nevermind that I'm at work, he doesn't know the new location, and it would be preferred that he didn't just "drop in" here. But, I don't want to over-think it like I usually do. Even though I inevitably will.

See, we have a history of some rather uncomfortable visits over the years, so I feel like I'm always expecting the worst. Probably not the best way to go at the situation, but it's hard not to. There's always some comment that sticks with me from the last visit, like how he wants to be happy that we're finally getting married but we did it all backwards by living together before marriage and all, etc. Ah well, at least he didn't throw in the old "women who sleep with men outside of marriage are whores." Ahem. Eh. The bad thing is, anticipating what he might say tends to make me all revved up to be defensive. I need to keep my cool. I know, I'm an adult and should stand up for myself. But it gets sort of pointless to argue. It wasn't always like this, and I hate to say it because it's worked for him - but the church he joined and the way it has changed him has sort of put a damper on our relationship. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells not to cause a debate or an unwelcome evangelizin'. Try to keep everything PG and PBS-like with dad. And definitely avoid getting the missionaries called in to tell us The Truth. Ok, see I am over-thinking it now and getting edgy. Just keep things light and positive, right? It'll probably be fine and I'll feel like a shit for saying anything. :)

He still wants to play though

Jonesey doesn't care so much for the intricacies of your Scrabble game.
(Paws at tiles with frustration)

Cabin Six

At the beginning of sixth grade, the first year of middle school, we had Mandatory Sixth Grade Camp. In other words, get to know your peers in a controlled yet uncomfortable environment! Stay for 2 awkward days and 1 cold-ass night! Don't worry kids - we brought the cafeteria food with us, no campfire s'mores for you! And get ready for some required teamwork - only the strong will survive! (Well, socially that is.)

Anyway, considering my shyness and discomfort with unfamiliar situations, it didn't start out all that bad. We weren't exactly "roughing it" as we had little musty cabins to sleep in that held 4-6 people. And as mentioned, at least you only had to put in one overnight stay. The thing that sucked was being separated from your friends, as almost all activities were with an assigned group.

One of the few memories of the experience that sticks out in my mind was the hopeful feeling I had as I got my cabin assignment and headed off to find out who else would be in it. Maybe a friend? An acquaintance at least? Hey, maybe a possibility for a *new* friend I just hadn't met yet! (Ok, so I was a bit naive, but hey at least I was positive.)

I reached the cabin at the same time as another girl. She was pretty and had that more polished look (which at the time probably just meant a spiral perm and Umbros) of one of the richer girls. She didn't look too happy to see me coming, but I figured that like me, she must've just been thinking this camp experience was kind of weak. So I smiled and said "Oh, hi! I'm [so and so] - looks like we're in the same cabin..." Her eyes narrowed as she assessed this information. "Oh yeah? Well, I'm Katie..." (pausing for effect) "and I'm your worst nightmare." And with that, she stepped inside, slamming the door in my face.

Camp got off to a GREAT start.

But not long into the camp experience, it became clear that this Katie bitch wasn't what ended up as being my worst nightmare. Nope, I think I'd have to go with the state of the "bathrooms" along with being painfully constipated for two days as being the worst part. The thing was, at that age I tended to be horribly embarrassed by any bodily function as it is, so having no stall doors and only being permitted to go to the bathroom in groups was not something I was down with. If you were lucky, you had a friend who would hold her coat up in front of you while you went to the bathroom. But I wasn't about to ask her to keep waiting there so I could drop a load while within arms length (and definitely within smelling range) of each other. Lame. I just could not will myself to do it. So by the end of the next day of holding it in through climbing, jumping and other hateful activities, I was really having a BAD time. All I could think about was the concrete mixer action going on in my guts, and how it felt like either my ass or my head was going to explode. I didn't really care about teamwork anymore. I just wanted out of that fucking camp and to a reasonably private facility that didn't smell like sulfur so I could poop in peace. I hung in there for the rest of the time and begged my mom to drive straight home as fast as possible when she picked me up. So, seeing as how constipation is my clearest memory of sixth grade camp it's no wonder that I didn't make a bunch of new friends there, nor did I participate very well in team activities. Other people took my silent frowning as being stuck up, not stopped up. So, overall it was truly a pretty crappy experience for me. Ugh.

Side note: my friend was telling me about an actual "roughing it" hiking/camping experience she went on in high-school, complete with having to dig a hole to shit in, for two weeks. Call me over-sheltered folks, but you'd have to count me out of that. I like nature and all, but I just don't know if I could hang with being "at one" with it quite like that. My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

Claimed Baggage

I'll try to get this out before I tell myself to shutup. Maybe it will help. Maybe not. There's no good way of putting it, I'm feeling like a failure right now. In just about everything I do. I feel like dead weight dragging behind him and slowing everything down. I don't feel like marriage material. I don't feel like I have enough to offer in return. That is the worst, to feel like some sort of leech attached to something you don't deserve. It's very obvious that one could make it just fine without the other one. I don't want him to be any less. I just want to be more. To create some balance. It wasn't always this way, or didn't always feel like this. At some point it's like I lost myself, willingly. I wanted to just follow along not taking the lead. And that's not always bad, but it's not really fair that the other person always has to show you the way, and wait for you to catch up. I don't want to just be the girl that's always apologizing while she makes the same fucking mistakes repeatedly, but it feels like that's what I've become. It's trying on the patience of others. Somewhere along the way I got so scared of how much I'd fuck everything up that I crippled myself from being able to make decisions without advice. I stunted my own growth. That's no way to be.

The realization that has come may be obvious to everyone else. There was a period in life where I felt drawn to, well, others who didn't necessarily have a lot going for them. And felt like I could help them somehow, make things better. Did I? Probably thought so at the time. But didn't think of the self-serving side in it, that maybe deep down I was looking for an ego boost by scraping the bottom of the barrel for anyone worse off than myself. A saint complex, is it? So I'd seem all shiny and good by comparison since I felt like such a piece of shit inside. So then being with someone with talents and the whole package, I don't know quite what to do with myself. By all rights it's come back to bite me in the ass. My flaws are glaringly obvious. Over time, it's like the outer perception of goodness has worn off and everyone can see I'm just a lazy turd that he was kind enough to scrape off of his shoe and keep. Wow, that is an ugly UGLY thought. It's not about comparing yourself to others. Or, it shouldn't be.

At least the good thing is, as much as I say these hurtful things to myself, I don't feel that it's quite to the point of being hopeless. It's just that I have this perception of who I should be (you know - independent woman, domestic goddess, responsible adult, fun-loving wife, etc.) and it feels so far away. I don't want to spoil things for us. All I have to show for myself should not be a mess of self-doubt and emotional imbalance and unpaid bills and "I'm sorry"s. I can keep trying to make things better for myself, and in turn do better for him, for us. So, I'm not really asking for advice this time as much as writing out what's in my head and trying to make sense of it.

Flashing shit and scary profiles everywhere

So, MySpace is weird. I don't really get it. I know that's not exactly a newsflash at this point. What can I say - I always end up checking things out after the popularity has already died down. So, I haven't joined it or anything, just recently was browsing through to see what has become of people I went to school with and such. And once I waited and waited for their retina-burning templates to load and for shit to flash and the text to become nearly indecipherable, I found that yes, there are still some of those people around and some of them have grown up! I take some comfort that I'm not the only one whose face has filled out, and definitely not the only one who now is looking their age. For some reason it surprised me though. Like even though I've aged, I assumed all these people would be looking as young and perky as they did when we graduated. Of course, most of them are married and have kids now, but are still "OMG, having a BLAST!! LOL!" and are just as rich and popular as they always were. And you know I hate to admit it, but I started feeling a little left out, or left behind. I'm still letting myself feel inferior to these people, just like I used to! Not just in the myspace world but the real world too. And that is what sucks. Sure, how people talk about themselves and their own lives is usually a bunch of bullshit intended to make others react a certain way, but this is the kind of idiotic thing that triggers a whole spiraling mess of self-doubt within me. And it's not even worth it. Why should I want to be like them? Maybe my goals are a lot smaller and slow-paced and less fancy than theirs but damnit in my own way I'm "making it" too. So there. Yeah. Look at me, I took a bad feeling and made it somewhat positive after all - ha!

Staring Contest: Cat vs. Bunny

This is a common scene, just about every night at dusk. The bunny's all "nyah-nah" and the cat's all "mow? maaaow? mrrgh." Just wish this pic had turned out a little better, but it was dusky and I didn't want to break their concentration.

Partly Cloudy

I'm feeling sort of Crabby McNasty today, but otherwise things are fine. It's just PMS and a gloomy day. I had to put up this picture that was posted on Cute Overload a little while back - can't help but smile when I see it. I mean, just look at that fudgey little face! I want him to come sit at my desk. You wanna talk to me? Gotta go through this guy first.

I have to try to keep myself busy. You know, keep the bad thoughts at bay. I like to be alone and all, but sometimes when things are too slow and quiet I start to tear myself to shreds. Find the negatives in everything that could be happy. Tell myself I don't deserve anything good. Get angry at my family, shut myself off from them. Angry at myself for not being the person that I think they think I should be. Think of the friends I used to have. Try to remember what went wrong, and if it would be worth it to try and fix it. I assume I am hated, someone they've put out of their minds. In reality I don't really know what they feel, and I guess I'm too scared to find out. Yeah, it's a cop-out but right now I think the risk of rejection is more than I could handle. Sad but true. I've retreated too far inward to see things clearly.

Again, it's the PMS (possibly even PMDD) and the gloomy day talking here. I'm trying my best, with being on a diet, to not place so much importance on food, especially when I'm feeling down. Like thinking it'll lift my spirits to eat a bunch of junk, like I normally would. It does make me kinda sad though, when I look at myself and see how much I cling to things for comfort, and how for some people that's never really a problem. At some point, it's like I'm just replacing one addiction with another and another. You can't just go back to carrying around that worn-soft blankie with the silky edges to make you feel secure. But sometimes it would be nice, for things to be as simple as that.

Halfway There

Not that you need an explanation, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to write or to write and actually publish something because my inner critic just won't shut up. I wish that could be used to my benefit - to make me a perfectionist and really good at something. Instead, it makes me want to retreat and not do anything because I don't think it'll be good enough. Even the most trivial of things, like writing an email or a post or telling people at work that I have an idea. I second-guess, and ultimately just tuck it away and don't do it. I know, it's stupid and I'm having a hard time explaining it. So I'm just trying to type and not immediately go back and pick it apart. So what, ya know? It's my frickin journal to an extent and should be treated as such. It's not worth getting all fussy over. I've got to remind myself of that.

So, ANYWAY let's move on.

American Idol was sort of disappointing this week. I'm only slightly embarrassed to tell you that out of the guest coaches on the show, I was actually really looking forward to Bon Jovi week. Shit, who didn't love them back in the day? Well I guess you have to be of a certain age to appreciate it, like Jordin's MOM (I love how she pointed that out.) But then the performances just - well, left me wanting to hear better performances of those songs. Even when Bon Jovi performed, I was thinking "They're not even gonna ROCK? WTF?!" I kept waiting for that song to pick up and it never really happened. Bah! Plus the two guys that I kind of liked are both voted off now. I do have to say though, that even though I liked Chris and most of the song was pretty good (he even did a bit of a raspy voice thing there that I liked) there is no excuse for not putting all of your energy into the most badass line: "I've seen a million faces, and I ROCKED them all." Damnit if he didn't sing that like he rocked them all gently to sleep. Ah well. I'll still miss Chris and Phil, but I'm sure they'll do just fine.

The dieting is going alright. It's kind of depressing sometimes - like when you look at the amount of calories in everyfuckingthing - but we're also getting to try a variety of healthy foods that really don't taste all that bad. And getting some exercise - I can't believe I'm saying this - actually feels pretty good. But I feel like I shouldn't talk about it too much or I might jinx it or start sounding like one of those people, you know - those healthy types.

I can't believe that I actually sent my fiance an email yesterday concerning the status of our cat's butt. Seriously. I can only imagine the conversations that actual parenthood will cause us to have someday. Whoo boy!

Stay in there, ladies

Fun day. I made a bad undergarment decision while getting dressed this morning. So now at the office I keep grabbing my boobs (so nonchalantly of course) to make sure they haven't popped out of my bra, as a nip-slip would probably be pretty obvious under this thin shirt. Not saying that groping yourself while at work or boob-touching in general isn't fun and all, but this is just uncomfortable and annoying. And it's only like the second time I've worn this particular bra, damnit. I don't think I was getting the correct size there for a while or something, plus the brands tend to vary in how they fit and I'm not one to usually try them on. Anyway, I guess I underestimated with this one. I always wanted bigger boobs, and they are in fact bigger now than they've ever been. It's a false sense of accomplishment though - given that I am, as a whole, bigger than I've ever been. I'm currently in the much-needed process of dieting (ask me about my hunger pangs!) and getting in shape, so with my luck I'll probably lose some boob-fat in the process too. Then I'll have another set of ill-fitting bra issues. Yay.

Uh-oh. Excuse me. (Grab. Tuck. Adjust. Hoist.) There we go.

Lukewarm

I tried ineffectively to drop the hint to my boss that our "natural refrigeration" system (i.e. setting beverages, etc. in a shady spot out on the porch at work to try to keep them cold) probably isn't going to work much longer now that it's started getting sunnier and the temperature is rising. Bring a cooler or a lunch-box with an icepack you say? Bah, I say! Alright, maybe. But a dorm-sized fridge was spoken of, nay, promised last summer - got my little hopes all up for something other than lukewarm lunches. But I won't push it. Oh, I know - such a spoiled little princess, aren't I? Next thing I'll be asking them to connect the hot water in the bathroom so I can wash my hands all fancy-style. Sheesh.

Fun fact: if you do have to drink them at room-temperature, diet coke is more bearable than diet pepsi for some reason, though I like them both about equally when they're cold. Huh.