Wednesday, September 19, 2007

At the moment

I hate feeling like this. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this and that's not helping. I can realize that it's probably 50% hormonal, 25% things that have been building up, and 25% the reality of the situation but that doesn't help much either. You know, up late - when I should be tucking myself into bed - but instead it's all bouts of tears and sniffles and wanting to scream. This is when I realize I don't have a good outlet or coping mechanism, I feel so overwhelmed that I could explode. I have nowhere for these feelings to go. Well, I have my silly little blog, apparently. But right now I just feel really, deeply, alone. Distanced from everything. And that when I'm the only one I can turn to or depend on, I don't do that so well. I feel like everyone who has ever been close to me has just gotten frustrated and given up or somehow or another shook their heads with disapproval. I feel like I need a friend more than ever. I need to be true to myself more than ever. I don't know how to describe it. It seems like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, and thinking about that makes me feel that much more miserable. I know this sounds ridiculous and whiny, and I'm trying not to think about that and just write, because every time I picture someone reading what I write or listening to my feelings, I see them rolling their eyes and giving me the "pssht, whatever." My own wavering sense of self worth can really make it feel like everyone is against me. Like I'm difficult to love, or even to listen to or be around. My feelings or expressions no longer seem valid to you, and I feel like some passive-aggressive mess begging to be validated. I'm scared and unsure about the future more than ever. I wish that with all my doubts and insecurities, that I could at least be sure about something. Even if it's just this one thing. I know it won't always feel like this and I don't want it to now either. Even if it only makes sense to me and I'll regret it tomorrow, I guess I needed to get that out. Goodnight.


iamnot said...

Undefined yearnings...
I think I know the cure, but no one ever really wants to hear it, and in the end, I'm not really sure it is a cure.

In the short term, you should get to the gym and turn some of that internal energy into physical activity. Advice I need to take myself.

meredith said...

I feel like this all the time. Especially when my husband goes out and I'm left alone...well with the kids and dogs. and even if I agreed to said evening out, in the end it just pisses me off.
And I too think my friends (i.e. co-workers because that's all the socialization I even have the energy for) are about sick of hearing it.

Kate said...

Nervous Girl, no eye-rolling here! These posts are just why I read your blog - because you're so honest about these things (and also because you're funny in a dry kind of way that I get). I know exactly how you're feeling. I could have written this post at many points in my life.

iamnot has a good idea - exercise works wonders. It may not be the answer and it may seem totally unappealing, but it's done more for me than any other "cure" I've tried.

Things will get better. Some day you'll look back and think, Whoa, that was a bad place I was in.

That Nervous Girl said...

I don't know quite how to respond, but thank you all for the supportive words.