You mustn't touch

I know I have a number of somewhat silly hang-ups about things. One of them is personal space, and another is eating in the company of others. I may have noted in a previous post that I experience some displeasure and discomfort in others nosing in on whatever I'm eating. Sure, at home I wouldn't mind my fiance grabbing a bite off my plate or touching my food, we're cool like that - but with coworkers that feels like a boundary that just shouldn't be crossed. With one of my coworkers, I can blame this on two things: she happens to have a very inquisitive nature (she's usually interrupting you to ask another question while you're trying to answer the first one) and she never wears her damn glasses. So, say I bring something from a fast food place for lunch. Even if she's got something of her own, this is usually what happens:
Co: What'd you get?
Me: Oh, just a chicken sandwich off the dollar menu (shrugging as to promote the idea it's nothing to be too interested in.)
Co: Ohh. I haven't had that before, what kind?
Me: Just a fri-
Co: Lemme see it (rolls chair over to my desk, leans in about 3 inches from sandwich)
Me: (Feeling awkward) Yep, just yer basic chicken sand-
Co: Lemme see how much meat they put on it, what else is on it? (squinting and reaching for it)
Which mostly likely will lead to me slapping her hand away and yelling "Dude, back off! I am not lifting my buns up to show you my meat!" loud enough for everyone in the office to hear.
That'll teach her.

Distracted, discouraged, somewhat hopeful

Not to be a complainer, but... ah, fuck it - you know me. Lately I've really been making a concerted effort to get back into the wedding planning, but I'm still not getting very far. It just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does most women, that part that says "This! I want this and I must have it! I'm a princess, a pretty pretty princess!" Ok, maybe not. But I do need to get at least something in order, an' wit' a quickness. The few options that are out there are all getting booked for any of the decent dates next year. I'm feelin the pressure, yo. The trouble isn't just money - even though that is quite troubling - it's that I'm awful at making decisions, especially when I'm not that thrilled with any of my options. I know that sometime here in the nearish future, we'll be married. But right now, it just feels really out of reach and I feel just kind of stupid and bad about it. But that's just me. I've probably said all this before.

I've been seeing some really awful, like inexcusably bad, websites while looking for wedding vendors. Stuff that hasn't been updated in years, corny graphics from the 90s, the whole bit. Doesn't anyone check out business' websites these days? I mean, I'm not going to book something just by seeing it online, but damn, would it kill these people to put up some useful information? Maybe throw me a few decent pictures that aren't thumbnail size? It is at least somewhat representative of your business, no? Bah!

But it's alright.

So, how've you been? We should catch up again sometime soon.

Please don't report me to Clinton & Stacy

I need some new clothes, man. The good news is: I lost some weight over the last couple months. The bad news is: I haven't lost enough to really fit into the stuff I was wearing this time last year. So I'm in that awkward in-between phase where the few larger-sized items I bought a few months ago are just making me look bigger than I am now, and the smaller clothes I have are making me look like I'm a little too "poured into" them. I mostly wear button-up blouses to work and they will fit for the most part, except I'm getting that annoying peek-a-boo around the third button region across the bust (see pic of Ms. Spears with that problem, exaggerated). Oh, and that of course doesn't mean I'm not wearing these shirts. Because you know the look I'm going for says "Hey - I'm a little bit office, but I'm a little bit hussy too - lookit my bra!" But, you know, it's fine - just as long as I keep pulling on my shirt, and you don't view me from the side. Dude, I need some new clothes.

Invisible Roadblocks

Why do I always feel the need to give myself an intro to what I'm going to say? It's a whole lot of leading up to nothing. I feel as if I'm gradually unlearning any previous communication skills I had. Bear with, I feel some train-of-thought, free-form posts coming. And well, there I go again...

Last night I wasn't sleeping well, kept waking up in that annoying "I'm seriously WAY too awake at this hour" kind of way. Stupid brain wouldn't shut-up. The internal monologue went something like this:
"Hey! What was that joke, that was somewhat funny that time? Hmm, now you can't get back to sleep til you think of it! How did that go again?"
"Why? Who cares? Please, PLEASE shut up and just stop thinking about it!"
"Hey, how about I just keep repeating the song 'Hey Jude' in your head for no reason?"
"RRRGHH!"
"Can I just conjure up some abstract yet poignant dreams?"
"Fine. As long as I can sleep..."

And then I dreamed that a very nice lady (though I'm not quite sure who she was) was gently telling me that I could benefit from some counseling - because, A) most people can benefit from it, and B) I've hit somewhat of a roadblock that I need to work through in order to get on with my life.

Huh. And then I dreamed that I woke up and told you that.

The point is not lost on me, but still... weird.

Another from the blurry cat series

"Sooo snoozy... must continue grooming... so much belly-fur to tend to, but..." *yawn*


"Myeh. Finish baftime later..." *Honk-shoo*

Well, hose me down

So, recently - in an effort to give myself a more lively glow - I tried one of those "mystic tans" that I had heard about. I haven't done too well in the past with applying self-tanner at home - it always ends up looking like I have some sort of skin disease once I'm out in natural light. So I thought yeah, maybe having an automated machine hose me down with tanner would have better results.

I have to hand it to the woman at the tanning salon - she was very friendly and very thorough with the instructions. She even had me watch a demonstration video which instructed you to remove all clothing before you get sprayed, yet to my disappointment, did not show people demonstrating getting naked. Pfft. Anyway, she warned me that there is somewhat of a "learning curve" with using the system. It seemed pretty damn simple to me, but once I got in there I understood what she meant. See, once you get in the booth the whole thing happens so fast, and this automated voice is giving you instructions that you can't really hear what with all the misting and blowing and whatnot. I was too focused on whether or not I should be holding my breath, and when I did take one I ended up getting a lungful of the disgustingly-sweet tanning mist that was filling the entire chamber - that can't be good. So if I hadn't been busy coughing that out, I might've done a better job at holding out my arms as instructed to get an even coating. Oops. I was just glad that the whole spraying time was less than 20 seconds, as I already was feeling claustrophobic and having visions of gas chambers in that short amount of time.

So, the results? Pretty good, slightly smelly, a few splotchy spots and streaks where it was uneven, but not too bad. I wouldn't want to do this right before going out in a bathing suit (not that I see that happening any time soon) as the streaks would've been pretty obvious - but with clothes on, it looked pretty good and wasn't orangey. Bad thing is, the color only lasted for a few days (it can last up to a week) - so for $25 it probably wasn't the most practical. In my case though, I had really lotioned myself up before going in there, and the lady did warn me that if the moisturizer you use beforehand has mineral oil in it (oops, it did) the tan may not "take" as well. So, see? Learning curve.

In case you are considering this, here are a few other points to remember:
1. Get naked. I'm not sure if your bathing suit would make it without getting stained.
2. They will give you some "barrier cream" which is to be applied where you don't want the tanner to look freaky - such as palms & fingernails. Other places that they don't tell you about that will look dirty-tan afterwards? The bellybutton and the batty-crease. Ew. Also, I put the cream on my elbows considering they'd be somewhat dry, but it ended up looking weird when they were still white afterward.
3. Remember to breathe, and also - when appropriate - to not breathe.
4. The automated voice does a countdown before you get sprayed on one side, then another countdown for you to turn around and get sprayed on the other side. I'm glad the nice woman told me beforehand to expect this, because once you're in there the voice is about as distinguishable as the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons.
5. Keep in mind that you'll smell oddly sweet and feel a little sticky but won't be able to shower for 4 hours afterward.
6. Towel off really well, and don't put your favorite bra on right after the mystic tan - I had no choice but to wear it or walk back through the salon carrying it - I chose modesty and now that shit won't wash out.

So, I can't say it was an altogether bad experience, but I also probably won't rush back to do it again. What about you? Do you get a summer glow the old-fashioned (and free) way or do you prefer another method?

Different but kinda the same

Sorry for the lack of updates again. Spent yesterday lying on the couch trying to ease the pressure on my head and fighting the related nausea (pre-menstrual migraines are a bitch), watching some awful reality show marathon (Bad Girls Club), napping and snuggling with the cat when he'd allow it (he's gotta be in the right mood and it has to be his idea - cats, I tell ya). Okay, so that's not really a decent excuse. I just didn't feel like writing I guess.

The little get-together with my friends from school went fine. It ended up just being myself and 2 other girls so it wasn't really a ton of pressure. I mean, it wouldn't be for the average person, but being Nervous Girl and all - I felt a bit awkward about it. I felt like I didn't have a whole lot to share or a whole lot that I wanted to share. They are both getting married this year and due to my own indecision, my wedding date is up in the air. Not that it's a bad thing. But listening to all their wedding plans got me a bit stressed out. No one tried to make me feel bad or anything, I just felt a little bad, so I was kind of quiet. You know, one of those conversations where you go around the table and everyone shares what wonderful things they have planned and when it gets to me I just shrug. Part of it is that I don't really have the budget and/or connections that they do, and part of it is that I just don't care so much about putting up this front of fakeness and trying to impress people so much these days. I've always been a little "different" so I imagine my wedding will be a little "different" too, but it'll be sweet in it's own way. *Shrugs*

The thing with the upcoming high-school reunion is that it's been made to sound like it's by invitation only, and only if you're cool enough. Maybe that's just the source I'm getting it from though. I'm still in the same town that I graduated in, so it seems sort of odd that the people organizing this have had a hard time tracking down people such as myself. I'm not really interested in jumping through hoops to get invited to something that I'm not even that interested in attending, so I don't know if I'll bother. One of the girls I met with was like "oh, you can probably go... I'm going but... you know... it might be past the deadline anyway." This brought back the old feelings of being in high-school so much that I started feeling like putting on some flannel and cords, listening to NIN (ok, technically I still do - the new album is actually really good), writing bad poetry and telling everyone to fuck off. Good times, good times.

In other news of friends that come and go, I also found out last weekend that my one local female friend who I consider to be a "real" friend has decided to move to Philly in a couple weeks. This saddens me greatly, but I can't blame her for wanting to try something new, and to get out of Michigan. At least she'd still hopefully come back to visit since there's family and friends here, so we'll see.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
- Keane

Moving On To Other Worries...

Well, I can eat my words. The visit with dad was short and sweet, with no major issues to report.

I'm excited but also somewhat nervous to be meeting up with some old friends today. We were all really close in middle school, but gradually drifted apart during and after highschool. It should be a good time. I've just got to try to turn off that critical inner voice that compares myself to everyone else. But you know how that goes. If nothing else, maybe I can still pull off being "the funny one." There's also the 10 year highschool reunion coming up later this summer, which I haven't necessarily been invited to, as the popular folks are in charge of these things. Really not sure that I'd be up for going to that anyway.

Ah well, enough dwelling on what may or may not happen. I gotta go get ready.

Dads can be weird sometimes

I wonder if perhaps the best way to plan for a dad visit is to not plan so much at all. He doesn't often give a lot of notice, and insists on being vague about when he'll arrive and when he'll leave. This can tend to stress me out. It almost seems like he does it purposely so you can't say no. Leaves me feeling like I'm a bad hostess by having to ask "so... were you thinking of staying over, or... getting back on the road?" He'll say to just tell him if it won't work out, but it also feels like there's a load-bearing wall of guilt behind that statement. Like when he responds "sure I can find a... campground or cheap motel or something around there." I don't know. Maybe he gets just as uncomfortable as I do and just wants to see how things play out. Still, doesn't make it the easiest to plan around or prepare for.

So, this time I'm not really planning either. He's supposed to call my cell phone vaguely this afternoon, hopefully it's not when he's already waiting at our house. Nevermind that I'm at work, he doesn't know the new location, and it would be preferred that he didn't just "drop in" here. But, I don't want to over-think it like I usually do. Even though I inevitably will.

See, we have a history of some rather uncomfortable visits over the years, so I feel like I'm always expecting the worst. Probably not the best way to go at the situation, but it's hard not to. There's always some comment that sticks with me from the last visit, like how he wants to be happy that we're finally getting married but we did it all backwards by living together before marriage and all, etc. Ah well, at least he didn't throw in the old "women who sleep with men outside of marriage are whores." Ahem. Eh. The bad thing is, anticipating what he might say tends to make me all revved up to be defensive. I need to keep my cool. I know, I'm an adult and should stand up for myself. But it gets sort of pointless to argue. It wasn't always like this, and I hate to say it because it's worked for him - but the church he joined and the way it has changed him has sort of put a damper on our relationship. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells not to cause a debate or an unwelcome evangelizin'. Try to keep everything PG and PBS-like with dad. And definitely avoid getting the missionaries called in to tell us The Truth. Ok, see I am over-thinking it now and getting edgy. Just keep things light and positive, right? It'll probably be fine and I'll feel like a shit for saying anything. :)

He still wants to play though

Jonesey doesn't care so much for the intricacies of your Scrabble game.
(Paws at tiles with frustration)

Cabin Six

At the beginning of sixth grade, the first year of middle school, we had Mandatory Sixth Grade Camp. In other words, get to know your peers in a controlled yet uncomfortable environment! Stay for 2 awkward days and 1 cold-ass night! Don't worry kids - we brought the cafeteria food with us, no campfire s'mores for you! And get ready for some required teamwork - only the strong will survive! (Well, socially that is.)

Anyway, considering my shyness and discomfort with unfamiliar situations, it didn't start out all that bad. We weren't exactly "roughing it" as we had little musty cabins to sleep in that held 4-6 people. And as mentioned, at least you only had to put in one overnight stay. The thing that sucked was being separated from your friends, as almost all activities were with an assigned group.

One of the few memories of the experience that sticks out in my mind was the hopeful feeling I had as I got my cabin assignment and headed off to find out who else would be in it. Maybe a friend? An acquaintance at least? Hey, maybe a possibility for a *new* friend I just hadn't met yet! (Ok, so I was a bit naive, but hey at least I was positive.)

I reached the cabin at the same time as another girl. She was pretty and had that more polished look (which at the time probably just meant a spiral perm and Umbros) of one of the richer girls. She didn't look too happy to see me coming, but I figured that like me, she must've just been thinking this camp experience was kind of weak. So I smiled and said "Oh, hi! I'm [so and so] - looks like we're in the same cabin..." Her eyes narrowed as she assessed this information. "Oh yeah? Well, I'm Katie..." (pausing for effect) "and I'm your worst nightmare." And with that, she stepped inside, slamming the door in my face.

Camp got off to a GREAT start.

But not long into the camp experience, it became clear that this Katie bitch wasn't what ended up as being my worst nightmare. Nope, I think I'd have to go with the state of the "bathrooms" along with being painfully constipated for two days as being the worst part. The thing was, at that age I tended to be horribly embarrassed by any bodily function as it is, so having no stall doors and only being permitted to go to the bathroom in groups was not something I was down with. If you were lucky, you had a friend who would hold her coat up in front of you while you went to the bathroom. But I wasn't about to ask her to keep waiting there so I could drop a load while within arms length (and definitely within smelling range) of each other. Lame. I just could not will myself to do it. So by the end of the next day of holding it in through climbing, jumping and other hateful activities, I was really having a BAD time. All I could think about was the concrete mixer action going on in my guts, and how it felt like either my ass or my head was going to explode. I didn't really care about teamwork anymore. I just wanted out of that fucking camp and to a reasonably private facility that didn't smell like sulfur so I could poop in peace. I hung in there for the rest of the time and begged my mom to drive straight home as fast as possible when she picked me up. So, seeing as how constipation is my clearest memory of sixth grade camp it's no wonder that I didn't make a bunch of new friends there, nor did I participate very well in team activities. Other people took my silent frowning as being stuck up, not stopped up. So, overall it was truly a pretty crappy experience for me. Ugh.

Side note: my friend was telling me about an actual "roughing it" hiking/camping experience she went on in high-school, complete with having to dig a hole to shit in, for two weeks. Call me over-sheltered folks, but you'd have to count me out of that. I like nature and all, but I just don't know if I could hang with being "at one" with it quite like that. My stomach hurts just thinking about it.

Claimed Baggage

I'll try to get this out before I tell myself to shutup. Maybe it will help. Maybe not. There's no good way of putting it, I'm feeling like a failure right now. In just about everything I do. I feel like dead weight dragging behind him and slowing everything down. I don't feel like marriage material. I don't feel like I have enough to offer in return. That is the worst, to feel like some sort of leech attached to something you don't deserve. It's very obvious that one could make it just fine without the other one. I don't want him to be any less. I just want to be more. To create some balance. It wasn't always this way, or didn't always feel like this. At some point it's like I lost myself, willingly. I wanted to just follow along not taking the lead. And that's not always bad, but it's not really fair that the other person always has to show you the way, and wait for you to catch up. I don't want to just be the girl that's always apologizing while she makes the same fucking mistakes repeatedly, but it feels like that's what I've become. It's trying on the patience of others. Somewhere along the way I got so scared of how much I'd fuck everything up that I crippled myself from being able to make decisions without advice. I stunted my own growth. That's no way to be.

The realization that has come may be obvious to everyone else. There was a period in life where I felt drawn to, well, others who didn't necessarily have a lot going for them. And felt like I could help them somehow, make things better. Did I? Probably thought so at the time. But didn't think of the self-serving side in it, that maybe deep down I was looking for an ego boost by scraping the bottom of the barrel for anyone worse off than myself. A saint complex, is it? So I'd seem all shiny and good by comparison since I felt like such a piece of shit inside. So then being with someone with talents and the whole package, I don't know quite what to do with myself. By all rights it's come back to bite me in the ass. My flaws are glaringly obvious. Over time, it's like the outer perception of goodness has worn off and everyone can see I'm just a lazy turd that he was kind enough to scrape off of his shoe and keep. Wow, that is an ugly UGLY thought. It's not about comparing yourself to others. Or, it shouldn't be.

At least the good thing is, as much as I say these hurtful things to myself, I don't feel that it's quite to the point of being hopeless. It's just that I have this perception of who I should be (you know - independent woman, domestic goddess, responsible adult, fun-loving wife, etc.) and it feels so far away. I don't want to spoil things for us. All I have to show for myself should not be a mess of self-doubt and emotional imbalance and unpaid bills and "I'm sorry"s. I can keep trying to make things better for myself, and in turn do better for him, for us. So, I'm not really asking for advice this time as much as writing out what's in my head and trying to make sense of it.

Flashing shit and scary profiles everywhere

So, MySpace is weird. I don't really get it. I know that's not exactly a newsflash at this point. What can I say - I always end up checking things out after the popularity has already died down. So, I haven't joined it or anything, just recently was browsing through to see what has become of people I went to school with and such. And once I waited and waited for their retina-burning templates to load and for shit to flash and the text to become nearly indecipherable, I found that yes, there are still some of those people around and some of them have grown up! I take some comfort that I'm not the only one whose face has filled out, and definitely not the only one who now is looking their age. For some reason it surprised me though. Like even though I've aged, I assumed all these people would be looking as young and perky as they did when we graduated. Of course, most of them are married and have kids now, but are still "OMG, having a BLAST!! LOL!" and are just as rich and popular as they always were. And you know I hate to admit it, but I started feeling a little left out, or left behind. I'm still letting myself feel inferior to these people, just like I used to! Not just in the myspace world but the real world too. And that is what sucks. Sure, how people talk about themselves and their own lives is usually a bunch of bullshit intended to make others react a certain way, but this is the kind of idiotic thing that triggers a whole spiraling mess of self-doubt within me. And it's not even worth it. Why should I want to be like them? Maybe my goals are a lot smaller and slow-paced and less fancy than theirs but damnit in my own way I'm "making it" too. So there. Yeah. Look at me, I took a bad feeling and made it somewhat positive after all - ha!

Staring Contest: Cat vs. Bunny

This is a common scene, just about every night at dusk. The bunny's all "nyah-nah" and the cat's all "mow? maaaow? mrrgh." Just wish this pic had turned out a little better, but it was dusky and I didn't want to break their concentration.

Partly Cloudy

I'm feeling sort of Crabby McNasty today, but otherwise things are fine. It's just PMS and a gloomy day. I had to put up this picture that was posted on Cute Overload a little while back - can't help but smile when I see it. I mean, just look at that fudgey little face! I want him to come sit at my desk. You wanna talk to me? Gotta go through this guy first.

I have to try to keep myself busy. You know, keep the bad thoughts at bay. I like to be alone and all, but sometimes when things are too slow and quiet I start to tear myself to shreds. Find the negatives in everything that could be happy. Tell myself I don't deserve anything good. Get angry at my family, shut myself off from them. Angry at myself for not being the person that I think they think I should be. Think of the friends I used to have. Try to remember what went wrong, and if it would be worth it to try and fix it. I assume I am hated, someone they've put out of their minds. In reality I don't really know what they feel, and I guess I'm too scared to find out. Yeah, it's a cop-out but right now I think the risk of rejection is more than I could handle. Sad but true. I've retreated too far inward to see things clearly.

Again, it's the PMS (possibly even PMDD) and the gloomy day talking here. I'm trying my best, with being on a diet, to not place so much importance on food, especially when I'm feeling down. Like thinking it'll lift my spirits to eat a bunch of junk, like I normally would. It does make me kinda sad though, when I look at myself and see how much I cling to things for comfort, and how for some people that's never really a problem. At some point, it's like I'm just replacing one addiction with another and another. You can't just go back to carrying around that worn-soft blankie with the silky edges to make you feel secure. But sometimes it would be nice, for things to be as simple as that.

Halfway There

Not that you need an explanation, but sometimes I just can't bring myself to write or to write and actually publish something because my inner critic just won't shut up. I wish that could be used to my benefit - to make me a perfectionist and really good at something. Instead, it makes me want to retreat and not do anything because I don't think it'll be good enough. Even the most trivial of things, like writing an email or a post or telling people at work that I have an idea. I second-guess, and ultimately just tuck it away and don't do it. I know, it's stupid and I'm having a hard time explaining it. So I'm just trying to type and not immediately go back and pick it apart. So what, ya know? It's my frickin journal to an extent and should be treated as such. It's not worth getting all fussy over. I've got to remind myself of that.

So, ANYWAY let's move on.

American Idol was sort of disappointing this week. I'm only slightly embarrassed to tell you that out of the guest coaches on the show, I was actually really looking forward to Bon Jovi week. Shit, who didn't love them back in the day? Well I guess you have to be of a certain age to appreciate it, like Jordin's MOM (I love how she pointed that out.) But then the performances just - well, left me wanting to hear better performances of those songs. Even when Bon Jovi performed, I was thinking "They're not even gonna ROCK? WTF?!" I kept waiting for that song to pick up and it never really happened. Bah! Plus the two guys that I kind of liked are both voted off now. I do have to say though, that even though I liked Chris and most of the song was pretty good (he even did a bit of a raspy voice thing there that I liked) there is no excuse for not putting all of your energy into the most badass line: "I've seen a million faces, and I ROCKED them all." Damnit if he didn't sing that like he rocked them all gently to sleep. Ah well. I'll still miss Chris and Phil, but I'm sure they'll do just fine.

The dieting is going alright. It's kind of depressing sometimes - like when you look at the amount of calories in everyfuckingthing - but we're also getting to try a variety of healthy foods that really don't taste all that bad. And getting some exercise - I can't believe I'm saying this - actually feels pretty good. But I feel like I shouldn't talk about it too much or I might jinx it or start sounding like one of those people, you know - those healthy types.

I can't believe that I actually sent my fiance an email yesterday concerning the status of our cat's butt. Seriously. I can only imagine the conversations that actual parenthood will cause us to have someday. Whoo boy!

Stay in there, ladies

Fun day. I made a bad undergarment decision while getting dressed this morning. So now at the office I keep grabbing my boobs (so nonchalantly of course) to make sure they haven't popped out of my bra, as a nip-slip would probably be pretty obvious under this thin shirt. Not saying that groping yourself while at work or boob-touching in general isn't fun and all, but this is just uncomfortable and annoying. And it's only like the second time I've worn this particular bra, damnit. I don't think I was getting the correct size there for a while or something, plus the brands tend to vary in how they fit and I'm not one to usually try them on. Anyway, I guess I underestimated with this one. I always wanted bigger boobs, and they are in fact bigger now than they've ever been. It's a false sense of accomplishment though - given that I am, as a whole, bigger than I've ever been. I'm currently in the much-needed process of dieting (ask me about my hunger pangs!) and getting in shape, so with my luck I'll probably lose some boob-fat in the process too. Then I'll have another set of ill-fitting bra issues. Yay.

Uh-oh. Excuse me. (Grab. Tuck. Adjust. Hoist.) There we go.

Lukewarm

I tried ineffectively to drop the hint to my boss that our "natural refrigeration" system (i.e. setting beverages, etc. in a shady spot out on the porch at work to try to keep them cold) probably isn't going to work much longer now that it's started getting sunnier and the temperature is rising. Bring a cooler or a lunch-box with an icepack you say? Bah, I say! Alright, maybe. But a dorm-sized fridge was spoken of, nay, promised last summer - got my little hopes all up for something other than lukewarm lunches. But I won't push it. Oh, I know - such a spoiled little princess, aren't I? Next thing I'll be asking them to connect the hot water in the bathroom so I can wash my hands all fancy-style. Sheesh.

Fun fact: if you do have to drink them at room-temperature, diet coke is more bearable than diet pepsi for some reason, though I like them both about equally when they're cold. Huh.

Ooh, clearance. Gimme.

Hi there.

Yeah, I haven't had much to blog about lately and I've been sick. Cough. Sniffle. Hork.

You know what I've been doing a lot of lately? Online bargain browsing. Ohh yeah. Not even shopping, really - because once I get to the point of actually selecting something and adding on the shipping costs, my palms start sweating and I back out. How lame is that? But I know myself, and I get wicked buyer's remorse - probably just decision-making remorse in general. Seriously, it's bad. Like going to some drive-thru restaurant and ordering a combo meal and then scolding myself by the time I get up to the window for not ordering off the value menu and pissed that I went impulsively with the chicken when I initially was going to get a burger and now it's too late and I'm fucked - that kind of bad. Once in a while, in certain situations, this almost-buying-something panic works to my advantage. You'd think it would make me a really smart shopper. Not necessarily true. I think I've just been so used to only bargain-hunting and the thrill of seeing a red clearance sticker that I haven't really allowed myself to chose quality over quantity. I mean, I can't afford to get TOO carried away with "quality", but damnit I can spend more than $10 on a bra that fits - I CAN. I mean, I can - right? Damn, I've got shopping issues.

Another note to add to my shopping rant - after spending time in malls and other obnoxious stores the last couple weekends - complete with bad air circulation, farting customers with no regards for "personal space", giggling and/or whining teenagers (the latter if they were shopping with mom for a prom dress - ugh), and salesclerks who would just as soon stab you than wait on you - the whole online shopping thing is looking a whole lot better to me. And you know what? A lot of online stores even have my beloved clearance sections - yes, it's like a clearance rack, but it's *online*! Woo hoo! I am ON it! Watch out, I'm a noob who just learned how to shop the internets! (I'm right up there with your grandma, I know.)

Wake me up when it's really spring

What's going on? What is this shit? Where are the updates? How much longer can we all smile and nod at the backside of this cat?

So it was winter, then it was spring for like two weeks - I almost came out of hibernation - and now it's winter again. Bullshit. Thanks a lot, Al Gore - we get your point. Now enough of this cold and snow crap already.

I shopped quite a bit over the weekend, didn't get much. Some of the mall stores just make me feel old and hateful. I'm starting to believe that what I've been denying is true: it's not the stores, it's not the clothes, it's me. I am the problem. I do not fit. I remember when clothes that flattered were easy to find. I remember when the styles were geared toward my demographic. And I remember having a body that I wasn't completely ashamed of! But alas, that was some time ago. That's a depressing fucking wake-up call.

I have a big ol' list of albums that I want to pick up. Man, I am behind on music because whenever I think that something "just came out" it's usually been out for 2 years already. I just got the new Shins album, and now my shopping-frenzied mind is on the new(ish) albums I've been sampling by Air, Zero 7, Jason Mraz, Jamiroquai (yes, Jamiroquai), Joss Stone, Keane, Aqualung, Modest Mouse and who knows what else just waiting out there to be had. Gimme gimme! Ah, I miss the grand old days of working at a [cheap] music store.

I think I'm coming down with a cold. It's about to be chicken soup time up in here. Aw yeah.

Not just any old cat butt

As they'd say on Cute Overload, would you just look at the furry 'tocks on this one? It's like he's sportin' some ultra-soft whitey-tighties.



- Yep, that's just catnip at his feet
- and yes, apparently most of our stuff is beige(!?) - but the cat does blend in quite nicely, dontcha think?

I told ya I was trouble

Yeah, that's right - I'm old as hell! Well, comparatively...
So I added a new CD (yeah, I got it all legit from a store and everything!) to my collection, it's by Amy Winehouse. She's pretty badass, but other than that I don't know how to describe her really. She's British, and at first I thought she was like a Nelly Furtado but with edge, but I'm sure that doesn't do her justice. The music has kind of a jazzy, old-school R&B feel sometimes, and her voice tends to remind me of Lauryn Hill but with even more 'tude. Anyway. Here's a link to her video "Rehab" which is one of the catchiest tracks on the album. Oh! But the whole point was that I got CARDED before the girl (probably high-school age) would even ring it up! I'm assuming because it had an explicit lyrics sticker on it? Pshht. Bollocks, I say!

Snarky "Idol" Notes
Ok, last time I mentioned it, I was a bit harsh on Gwen Stefani. She was pretty nice and subdued with the coaching though. It's too bad that the people who did choose her songs picked the worst possible ones - I think even she thought so. And apparently no one has ever heard The Cure's "Lovesong" as performed by 311? Because that's all that Blake did - and not even very well, so please quit telling him he's so fresh and original. But unfortunately, one of my personal faves, Chris Richardson (you know - the Timberlake wannabe) wasn't too impressive either. I was also sort of hoping that Haley would start maybe doing better - but her performance was totally WEAK, and I'm starting to think she's probably kind of a bitch. I'm actually liking Phil more and more - as long as I just forget about that revolting Leann Rimes song he did a while back. And I already told you I wouldn't really miss Chris Sligh if he left, I was surprised other people felt the same way.

Thinly-Veiled Criticisms
They're right up there with back-handed compliments. Don't do it. Just don't. Especially around me, because I'm fucking paranoid and self-conscious and on the lookout for criticisms anyway. Some people may think they can do this cleverly, but it's usually just immature and obnoxious. Example: Former friend & co-worker, whose hobby was inflicting as much psychological grief on others as possible (um, yeah - I have no better name for her) would say things loudly to other people, but in my direction, such as "well the only color I can't stand is pink - I HATE pink, I don't know how ANYONE could wear it" knowing full well that I'm standing right there with a pink shirt on. Ahaha! Good one, bitch! What're we in, 4th grade? Oh, her comments got better than that, but it's one of the most blatant remarks that came to mind. So when my boss goes on for half an hour about what a lazy piece of crap his cousin (seemingly nice guy, btw) is because he sleeps in on the weekends (God forbid!) and is too selfish to have children, therefore has no purpose in life, (don't get me started!) I will of course, think that it's the same kind of shit he thinks about me. And now that I write it out, I don't care so much - just proves that he's the kind of dick who feels better about himself saying shit like that about other people. Nevermind.

Hold your horses

My dreams have just been rich with action-packed nonsense lately. If I'm not having some sort of nightmare, then it still has to be something ridiculous and/or frustrating. Like trying to jack off two guys at the same time, but one is saying "faster" while the other one is insisting "slow down" and realizing that I'm really not ambidextrous after all, so somebody's out of luck.

My head hurts when it's rainy out, like today

• Have you ever picked up a hitchhiker? Did things get weird? Do people even do that anymore these days? There was a guy on the side of the road with a sign that said "airport" yesterday on my way to work and I felt horribly guilty because I was going right past the airport, but didn't stop. But you know, I have to say that whole unabomber look he had going on didn't help his chances.
• My man brought home some Mayan Chocolate Haagen Dazs last night (because yeah, he RULES!) I normally don't get too excited about chocolate ice cream, but it's dark chocolate, plus it has a gooey ripple and cinnamon in it - it was different and actually quite tasty.
• And for the usual American Idol notes: I don't think I'd miss Chris Sligh or Gina Glocksen too much if either of them got the boot, along with the obligatory Sanjaya. But you know, I do think that last night Sanjaya really did "bring it" as much as he possibly could, and at least he let go a little bit - not to say that made the singing much better. I'm not as big a fan of Haley's as I had been earlier in the competition, but like everyone says she did look pretty foxy up there. I kept wondering if we were going to get a glimpse of some side-boob in that shirt - nope! Right now, I'm really hoping Jordin Sparks stays up there as one of the top contenders. And my god, did they get enough shots of that starstruck girl crying in the audience? But I remember that feeling and probably would've done the same thing - but then again I'd nearly hyperventilate even over boys in the highschool talent show.
  
• Our cat has The Softest belly fur ever. And he'll even let you pet it without attacking your hand, unless he's really pissed off.
  
• Yep, I really am this boring.
  

Someone's got dirty ears!

Well, we'll see how much the sweet kitty likes us after 2 frickin weeks of ear medicine twice a day. He's been really good about it so far though, considering. Can't say I wouldn't be a little pissed about having a bunch of refrigerated oily medicine dropped into my ears either - ughh!

We've pretty much decided on the name "Jonesy" for him. Though I do think "Mr. Furley" would be a pretty damn cute cat name too, though I'd probably be worried if he really had much resemblance to Don Knotts (no offense to the deceased, but you know what I mean.) But anyway, I'm just silly like that.

I'm not sure if I like this stage of American Idol that much. I mean, I guess a lot of them picked pretty shitty songs to begin with but at least they knew the songs a bit better that way when they weren't confined to certain selections. Still, I can see how that may keep the competition exciting. If the kids are going to work with Bon Jovi that should be um, kind of interesting - just don't let them do any songs off that most recent album PLEASE. Oh and you'll probably hate me for saying this, but how the fuck is Gwen Stefani going to coach anyone? Unless they all really need advice about how to perform with the expression of a bratty, pouting 4 year old. Will Chris Sligh try to be funny and pain us with his take on "I'm Just A Girl"? I guess Chris Richardson could probably kick it with "Hella Good" (but more likely my lesser favorite Blake Lewis would take that one) and maybe the girls could sing some of her other songs better than the original, so maybe that would be entertaining after all. But alright, I'll digress with my grumblings and just see what happens.

Did I ever tell you that one of my former coworkers would repeatedly call Justin Timberlake "Jason Timbaland"? That would crack me up every time. She'd also refer to Kurt Cobain as Kirk Colburn or something like that. We were joking about that last night while watching... what's his name? Bryan Seachest? Anyway, maybe it was funnier after throwing back a few.

Alright, I'm even boring myself at this point. See ya.

It's a cat!

Would you just look at our new fuzzy friend? We just got him yesterday afternoon and already he's warmed up to us (and the loveseat) quite nicely. Very laid back and snuggly. His name is yet to be decided. He is just so cool, and we are so happy to have him. Yay!

Random birding

This note for my boss pretty much explains the excitement I had at the office Friday - because really, that's about how exciting it gets. One of the fun things about having the office in an old house I suppose. Of course, when I'm alone has to be when this stuff happens. That might be a good thing, as I don't exactly trust the other occupants here to be as humane in those situations. I have no idea how the bird got in or how long he had been chillin' in the fake plants, but that sure woke me up when I walked by and it fluttered over my head! But hey, at least it didn't poop on me.

There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you

I don't know. Just haven't been feelin it lately. I thought I wanted to explain my feelings, but then again I don't really want to show you how stupid they are. More than I already do. Blah.

We went to a couple pet adoption events this weekend. It was craziness. And by that I mean the people, not so much the pets. Still no cat to call my own, but I haven't lost hope. In fact I've invested way too much time into getting my hopes up even when it's not really necessary. Trying not to be discouraged. We'll find the right one, or the right one will find us. I just need to be patient.

Please let this winter crap be over soon.

Shortened version of my two cents even though it doesn't matter at this point

This is the first season that I've been watching American Idol, for the most part. Oh shutup, I need something to look forward to, damnit! Anyway, I had started doing a overly-detailed recap of the last two night's performances, but for your sake and mine I'll try to shorten that up a bit and just comment on some of them. Okay, most of them. Here's my rundown:

Jared Cotter - yeah, dedicating "Let's Get It On" to your folks is pretty um, awkward? So was the song performance. He's alright but I think he'd do better as an underwear model or something.

AJ Tabaldo - now he's a pretty darn good singer, but the moves he does make me feel sort of embarrassed for him. I think he'll do well, but I just hope he doesn't do that shaking his arms over his head thing anymore.

Sanjaya Malakar - wow, that was just really weak. It seems like he's a nice kid with nice teeth and all, but I almost wonder if he's purposely failing out of guilt for his sister not making it. He really doesn't seem like he's giving it his all, or he's just not good at conveying emotion. I was surprised he made it after last time, and really wonder if he'll be around after tonight.

Nick Pedro - he did okay, but I really hated all the corny shots where they cut to the drummer during his song. Pfft. He's pretty cute, and that was a pretty good song choice for him - but he just doesn't have the vocal talent that some of the others have.

Blake Lewis - everyone seems to be on this guy's nuts in love with him. You know, I want to like him, but last week he did a really weak "Somewhere Only We Know" and this week he did "Virtual Insanity" - both of which are songs that I like, and I just don't think he did them as well as they gave him credit for, or that he gave himself credit for. Sure he's got the novelty of beat-boxing, but his singing could use some help. Still, I'm sure he'll stay in the competition for quite a while.

Chris Richardson - that was my favorite performance of the night. I missed him last week, so I didn't really know the extent of how well this guy can sing and perform. I want to hear more of him.

Gina Glocksen - you know, I've tried singing that "Alone" song on our American Idol Karaoke game at home, and it is a tough one. But I think she thought so too, because up until the end she was sort of shortening/skipping over all the tough notes that she could've really shown off with. But, I like her more than I did last week.

Alaina Alexander - she's a great flirt and really cute, but she just doesn't have the stamina or something, because again she sounds like she's running out of breath when she performs. A lot better than last week, but I wonder how much longer she'll stay.

Lakisha Jones - represent! Didn't really bring it like she did last week, but it goes without saying she has got one hell of a strong voice.

Melinda Doolittle - yep, she's a sweetheart and very modest about being one of the best singers there. But they've given shit to other girls about age, and I'm sorta surprised they haven't mentioned this one looking and sounding like she's 45. Not that it's a bad thing. I'm just sayin.

Antonella Barba - I don't even want to talk about her supposed "scandal" - she's just not that great of a singer and hasn't been from the beginning. But hey, she did hit the high note of that awful song and it was better than butchering Aerosmith last week. Don't worry about her - she can always do modeling instead.

Stephanie Edwards - I didn't like the song this time, but she's probably still safe. And they're right - she can do a hella-good Beyonce imitation.

Leslie Hunt - I don't know why exactly, but I just want to smack this girl. She's kind of one of those girls that has been given way too much positive reinforcement (probably from daddykins - just watch him shooting daggers at any negative comment from the judges) to be like "I'm FUNNY! I'm SPECIAL and different! Don't you get it? I am so wacky and funny - lookit me! Woo woo! Hahaha I am so great!" But still, it was way better than last week. Even though she did a song that's already been DONE recently. Feh.

Haley Scarnato - I think this girl is hot (or she could be), and I felt bad for her last week so I see why she wanted to do a really different style of song to show that she wasn't all "cabaret" or whatever they said. That didn't mean she had to pick an awful song though! Hopefully she'll be able to redeem herself.

My guesses as to who will be voted off? Or who probably should be? I'm gonna have to go with Sanjaya, Brandon, Alaina and Antonella. But I don't usually do well with guessing what the general public wants. We'll see!

- Update: Damn, I only guessed one right! I think everyone was a little surprised at a couple choices of who was safe to stay. And I feel kinda bad for my bitchy comments, because it is sad when any of them has to leave and they do all have somethin or another going for them. Ah well, they'll all be fine and successful I'm sure. I think Sanjaya was about as surprised as I was that he didn't get the boot! I'm tellin ya, I think he wants to go home at this point! Also, it was odd that the 2 peeps who sang the same song were both voted off. Thought Nick was a great sport about his dismissal. And damn, did they get in enough shots of Sundance crying last night?

Do you have to let it linger?

Have you ever even heard of, much less drank, Ten High Whiskey? Yeah, no - you need to look further down on the liquor shelves. There you go. Anyway, it came highly recommended to us so what choice do we have but to drink it, right? It's best if you just take a deep breath and swallow it as quickly as possible without trying to taste it. (That's what she said.) Then feel the fire. And later, while burping, wonder if the term "sour mash" means it was made from sour mashed rotten bananas. No, no really - you should try it.

A nice note to tack on after that is that I'm having a really hard time dealing, just with life right now. But when am I not? And when am I not telling you about it? I know, I'm sick of it too. So to throw myself into something that would make me happy, I've been looking around, okay maybe a bit obsessively, at pets online who are up for adoption and falling in love at first sight with cats that I don't even know, who might already have been adopted by now (because it was hard to tell how often these sites get updated.) And I've been wanting to go and fill up a shopping cart full of these sweet little kitties, and a few of the dogs too. But. I really should hold myself back and try to be rational. Plus, at nearly $100 a pop (to include their medical fees), it's not even feasible that I can go on some kind of pet shopping spree. We'll see. There are a couple adoption events this weekend, maybe we'll go check them out. Also, it would probably be good for me to consider doing something admirable like Fluffy Cat does and volunteer or help out somehow with a local animal shelter or rescue program. Maybe I should allow us more time to mourn. I just don't know.

Also, is it really so bad to have your cats front-declawed if you are planning on keeping them as an inside cat? I didn't realize there is so much opposition to that, but I've only ever had indoor cats who were already front-declawed when we got them.

"Workin wit me: fire n' ice"

Yesterday I was thinking that sheesh, I'm 28 years old and I still don't think I'm ready to deal with the real world. I get incredibly pissed off with situations at work and just don't know how to handle them - end up coming off as passive/aggressive and it's just not good. And then of course, I don't leave things at work but take it all personal and let it bother me when I'm home. I need to desensitize myself a bit.

BUT at least when I was sitting there thinking I should just bite my tongue and/or swallow my pride, I thought "hey - at least I do have a bit of pride to swallow, when I would've thought I had none at all."

So, that's something. I guess.

Gravity

Having a tough time pulling myself out of the muck. February usually tends to be a crap month for me anyway. But today the sun is shining and it's in the 30s, so by God I should be a little perked up by that. Still there's that nagging undercurrent of sadness, negativity and all that fun stuff pulling at me. Sometimes it's like I'm treading water - just barely staying afloat but not really getting anywhere. But anyway.

Our beloved cat passed away this weekend. She hadn't been doing too well for quite some time, and she was an estimated 14 years old (we've owned her for about 5 of those years) so of course we knew this was coming, but it still hurts so much to say goodbye to a pet. You know how it is. She brought us a lot of happiness though, more than I can properly explain here, and the memories will not be forgotten. When we first got her, her former owners had said she "just doesn't purr" and it didn't take long for us to prove them wrong. Aww. Such a wonderful cat. Our cat. She will be missed, to say the least.

Habby Baledtide's Day!

May your Valentine's Day be frost-free, pleasant-smelling, snuggly-soft, non-toxic, easy-to-operate, sexually-gratifying, low-brow, highly-inebriating, self-cleaning, flavor-enhanced, and minimally-invasive.

(With a low occurrence of unpleasant side-effects such as weakness, nausea, nervousness, irritability and loss of bladder-control.)

Well then, they don't like you either

To each their own and all, but these people (yeah, those people) who are indifferent to animals perplex me. I mean, it's not like we're all morally obligated to own lots of pets or rescue little critters or be interested in every kind of animal. And sure, there are reasons why people might not be able to have pets in their living situation. But just not liking ANY animals, in general? Couldn't care less if they existed or not? Have you experienced this? Do you know these people? I guess I just wonder if there is some underlying reason. A couple people that I've known who have this attitude have terrible allergies, which explains why they never really got the chance to bond with an animal, but they also seemed to develop a contempt for them. Doesn't matter if it's a cat, dog, bird, turtle, koala (how can you possibly hate a koala?) etc. Like, they wouldn't hit the brakes if one was crossing the road, and wouldn't understand why a person would be upset about the loss of a family pet, and don't understand why anyone would keep them around. To me, it just seems really cold and I have to admit, it sort of changes my perception of that person. Ahem. (Points at office across the hall)
But, then again, that might be how people feel about me when I tell them I have no interest in sports.

Sometimes it's like I'm not even here

Yes, I'm pouting and
yes I realize that it's somewhat ridiculous
and doesn't help anything.
BUT.
I'm telling you, dear internets, anyway.
Most of the time I don't mind just blending in
to the point of being nearly nonexistent.
Most of the time I don't mind being someone's sounding board -
most of the time what they have to say is more interesting/important anyway.
BUT.
Sometimes
I just want to scream
Damnit,
am
I
really
so
invisible,
or
just
conveniently
negligible
to you?

neg·li·gi·ble
adjective
so small, trifling, or unimportant that it may safely be neglected or disregarded

Raargh!

(and um... sorry for that pouty vertical rant)

Sunburst & Snowblind

Well, the winter storm advisory is over, but picking up where that left off is a wind-chill advisory (it's 10 below but the wind-chill is at a painful 30 below) - which means you best bundle that ass up, for reals now!

We stayed in all weekend, not that we HAD to, but who wants to go out in this shit when you've got food, booze, and all the comforts of home right there, you know?

This morning was a frigid, white-knuckled drive in to work but it's been worse. You get really thankful for spots where you can actually see the road. And stop. Very grateful for stopping abilities.

I finished reading Fear of Flying by Erica Jong and I have to say I really enjoyed it. Sex, relationships, psychoanalysis and insight = good stuff. Even though I think this was originally published in '73 and was quite "shocking" at the time, it's really held up over the years, and even though it doesn't seem so controversial now, it's just a great read. I think a lot of you blogging buddies would enjoy it too. But you probably already knew that, it just shows I've got a lot of catching up to do on books I've wanted to read for years.

I need more coffee. And maybe a couple of pipin' hot burritos to put in my shoes. Brr!

And You Know It Don't Come Easy

I don't feel right. Has the unhappiness settled into a ball in my stomach? Because it hurts from somewhere below my chest all the way down. Last night was awful, and I remember not feeling too well the previous evening either, but it subsides a bit in the morning. I want to say it's different than the tummy problems I've had before, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's a premonition. Maybe it's nothing.

This is really pathetic, but I'll say it anyway. I feel like I'm pining for this sense of normalcy that I perceive other adults as having. Of course, my perception has been known to be skewed. Even though my life has come a long way from how it was even 5 years ago, I don't feel like I'm there yet. I just want to get to this ideal I have of being "comfortable" which really just includes things that are nothing to most people. Like, when your car has something wrong with it - you just take it to the shop, no question. Or your husband just takes care of it. It's not like you probably had money saved and set aside just for that, but you KNOW that it will be taken care of somehow without meaning that all your other bills will have to go unpaid. And it will be worth it to fix because it's a relatively good car. Or you just go to the dentist twice a year, even when nothing is wrong, because that's just what people do. Or I should say, that's what people with dental insurance do. Oh and they definitely wouldn't be wearing old glasses or contacts either. But, before I go to off the deep end, I know and have to remember that things could be much worse. Hell, they were a whole lot worse. We're never short on food, or shelter, or even home entertainment. And I know most of the time people don't reach that state of comfort that I'm thinking of overnight. That's why they work hard at bettering themselves. I know. I just feel like I'm really far behind in a race that I'm not even qualified to participate in. Don't be offended. I know it doesn't come easy. That doesn't mean that we don't sometimes wish that it would, though!

I'll take my music uncensored and my pants untapered, thanks

Oh you know, same ol' same ol' over here. The dull headache that comes with Mondays is in effect and I'm just gonna ramble to you...

Irish Creme was not a good coffee choice. I don't know about you, but while I do enjoy some flavored creamers in my coffee, I'm almost always disappointed when the coffee itself is flavored. Huh.

The hair-coloring hiatus I had been on for a year is now over (not just because of the boss/gray hair incident, but that was a painful helpful reminder) and thanks to the fiance's handiwork I'm back to rockin the reddish-brown hair again instead of my natural golden brown. Probably will just end up being more obvious when I do have a lingering gray hair, but for now - whatev.

Is it nice to live in one of those states where you don't have to give a shit about recycling aluminum cans? With a ten cent refund each, it's like a lame-ass savings plan for us, just one that creates clutter and hassle instead of earned interest.

We ventured out to the WalMart this weekend - which, as usual, turned out to be a bad idea. You go in there and it's like you're sucked into this strange vortex that transcends space and time. I mean, I wonder if you were just dropped into any one of these stores across the country if you could tell at all - by checking out the merchandise and your fellow shoppers - what state you were in, or even what year it was? Speculation says that once inside it is permanently backwoods Indiana 1989. Oh, I kid, I kid. But there is even a specific dialect to this store along with it's own breed of disaffected, disgruntled employees. I don't know how many other places in Michigan we've ever heard this much use of "y'all" and "dudn't" - while it's endearing coming from an actual southerner, it just feels sort of awkward and out of place when you hear it from people up here. It's not like I think I'm above this store or anything, if that's where it seems I'm going with this (not much of anywhere, really). I'm all about the bargain & clearance shopping, I'm just saying that this place makes my beloved Target seem like even more of a peaceful utopia by comparison.

Oh, I know - so negative! And I didn't even get to the parts about the dumping of snow we've had, financial woes, premarital woes, or pending car issues! I'll try to end this on a positive note by saying that yes, the Nintendo Wii really is as cute and amusing as they say it is. And that it doesn't have to be summertime to enjoy a nice strong mojito.

Vote of Confidence

So, earlier today my boss comes in to get a file and give instructions. I'm sitting at my desk while he is standing up behind me. We're discussing one of our clients when he rather suddenly stops mid-sentence and glares at the top of my head.

"Hey, I'm sorry but you have THE loongest nappiest gray hair riiight there..."

and before I can even properly respond to this embarrassment, he just YANKS, then looks at his hand and says "oops, well at least I got it..." as he hands me this little clump of about 5 or 6 hairs (ouch) that he pulled! Then he just shrugs and walks out as I ponder what the hell kind of facial expression this situation deserves.

Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

ANYWAY. I'm sorry about that. That'll show me to do an internal monologue-ish thing without proofreading it. But on the other hand, you know, I'm sick of being sorry for everything I do. And it's just a blog.

I thought I was going to have jury doodie today, and believe it or not, I actually kind of had my hopes up about it. The website for jury information even had quotes from past jurors to attest that the whole thing didn't completely suck ass. One quote just said "They had coffee and it was FREE!" and I was gonna be all about dat. But oh well. No need to report. Regular old day. Apparently, yesterday was supposed to be the shittiest day of the year or something (I'm surprised I didn't start my period), so at least we're past that now, eh?

It'll all be fine.

"Delivery for... I.C. Weiner?"

Well, it is kind of pretty out when everything has a fine coating of ice on it. I'm so grateful for having a garage, especially at times like this. And for the moment, my car is acting fine (despite being in and out of the shop 3 times for not starting) although it's hard to tell if or when it'll act up again. The fun thing is when it's so iced up out there that the traffic lights don't work and no one knows what to do. A four-way stop ends up being an impromptu game of chicken. Whee!

So, we got the American Idol Karaoke Revolution game last weekend. The judges' comments get annoying after a while - as they do on the actual show. It's bad enough having a rusty and out of tune voice, but when you don't know the song that well either, it can really be painful. (The cat's ears were back and hopefully no one walking by could hear me from outside.) We had fun with it though. Then I caught some of the show last night - meh. I haven't been following all along, but isn't Simon becoming altogether less annoying than Randy? Oh and what the fuck was Jewel doing there? I found myself resenting her very presence for some reason, but that's mostly due to an old grudge (that I hold for no real reason, in my mind). Eh, whatever - I don't know why I thought it would be fun to watch this time.

I don't remember much of my dream this morning other than I was at some party - I think it was possibly a high-school reunion. I was frustrated and having shoe problems - first I was wearing some that cut my feet, then changed into another pair only to slip and step into a huge mess of pudding. Nice. Then a friend was trying to convince me that we should leave and I was saying "No. You don't understand. I am NOT leaving this party until someone wants to fuck me." Good thing J woke me up shortly thereafter, I imagine even in my subconscious I would've been waiting at that party for a LOOONG time, if ya know what I'm sayin. Zing!

Something tells me I've been here before

Oh man, I've been sleeping way too much and still feeling tired.

One of the more odd recurring elements of my dreams will be flipping the bird. Though I really don't do it all that much in real life, in my dreams there always seems to be a need for it. But in dreamland my hands won't cooperate. I will thrust my hand out at someone angrily, but then will have to use my other hand to extend the middle finger while holding the other ones down - by that time, the meaning is lost on the finger-deserver. I have no idea what that means, other than it's pretty close to the token "trying to run but being stuck in quicksand" feeling, or the "trying to call 911 but keep dialing it wrong" response.

Pretty lame defense anyway, I suppose. "Wait, wait, bad person - I have something to show you - a finger! Hold on, let me get it. There we go, yeah, eat that!"

Long nights, impossible odds

Blah blah blah. Taking up space. 'Cause I don't like having the beginning of my posts showing up in Google's cache. Blah blah dee dah. Already know this one's a doozy...

It's eerily quiet around the orifice today. Huh. True dat.
Gives me too much time to drift.
Last night slash this morning
I was dreaming of impossible sex in an uncomfortable place.
I mean we don't even have a bathtub.
Much less the balance for that kind of thing.
And then I woke up with "Blue Collar Man" by Styx running through my head.
Just for kicks, I guess.
I think I'm losing it.
The other day I
Went to the doctor
and the doctor said
or asked
if my hair color was natural
whilst poking between my legs
which made me think
"Does the carpet match the drapes?"
Yes it does.
Mark that down.
That is all.
Non-post it up!

More barn, less noble

There's a gift card for a bookstore burning a hole in my pocket. I had thought this would be an easy one, as I already have a running list o' books that I want to read, but it turns out I must be too cheap and indecisive to buy anything yet. I know - it's not even BUYING it because it's a gift card, and I still don't want to let myself pay full price. Plus, it just was not a good shopping experience. I haven't been having very good shopping experiences lately - WTF? Even with the holidays being over? Oh right, the kids are still out of school and there's plenty of other peeps who are Entitled to Copious Amounts of Vacation Time. So the stores are still packed, the clearance racks are picked over and boogered up, and everyone's too exhausted from the holidays to be polite to each other any more than is necessary. And maybe it's just me, but the last couple times I've been shopping the heat has been CRANKED. Which usually I don't mind, since I'm one of those always cold people (frigid bitch) but this was just excessive to the point where you just start getting really pissy and want to leave. Good strategy there. Then after dodging the kids playing a good old-fashioned game of Shriek and Run at the bookstore (in which I think the goal is to see how many senior citizens they could scare poopless/knock over), I noticed the store was playing an interesting selection of music, especially for a B&N. Like maybe one of their highschool employees slipped in a "Sex Mix 2006" CD from their personal collection or something, like I probably would've done at that age (oh wait, I DID do that at that age, but it was at an unpopular music store and I WAS a hornified teenager so that was understandable, eh?). Anyway, between the stifling heat and the disappointing pile of clearance crap (toilet sudoku anyone?), the breathy sex whispers and pulsating rhythm of the music and the meeting-then-breaking eye contact with a couple disillusioned guys who didn't immediately realize I was just some frumpy chick who was actually there to look for books - I figured I'd cut my losses, buy a half-price donkey calendar and high-tail it out of there.
Dang, all that and yet I find myself getting psyched up to do some shoppping this weekend...

Somethin's got to give

Oy. I thought about listing some resolutions for the New Year, but there are so many things I need to change that it just seems overwhelming and well, kind of depressing. Kind of REALLY depressing. My big problem that leads to several other mini-problems is that I procrastinate and don't want to deal with shit. But it's always looming there and making things worse, and before I know it I've got a whole pile of problems and don't know where to start with solving them. Christ, I think I need a whole personality makeover at this point. I mean, shit I've got weight loss - which is huge (ha ha) on it's own - to work on, home projects up the wazoo, loads of shit to organize so we can pay our bills like normal adults without digging through stacks of bullshit, being more like a "normal" functioning adult, regularly keeping up the house so it doesn't look like a bachelor pad, and among other things there's oh, that little matter of PLANNING a WEDDING which I haven't given nearly enough thought about, much less put things into action. It all stresses me out and seems so overwhelming, that I just... don't do it. I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel frozen, unable to move forward. Maybe I'm chicken-shit or maybe I'm just lazy. Or both.

I'm eating a slimfast bar for lunch and as expected - it's pretty feckin gross. Just like the drink, there's that lingering aftertaste of vitamins & minerals. Nastykins!

Oh silliness

Ooh, I loves me some "lost in translation" type humor, which is why my favorite time-wastin' website lately has been Engrish.com. But seeing as how I usually find out about cool stuff about a year or two after everyone else, I won't be surprised if this is old news to you. Still, that's some funny stuff to me!

Happy New Year

Here's the song that's been stuck in my head today:



I guess we've started off the New Year kinda Irishlike so far: J's dad had us over for corned beef & cabbage and then he gave us an Everlast (who, as you know, is mostly Irish) CD (turned out to be too thuggish for his taste) and now, well I'm gonna totally put some Irish Cream in me. In my coffee.

Hope you have/had a good one!

Don't worry about, don't speak of doubt

So... new template. You like? No? Indifferent? Yeah, I don't know either. Just wanted to change it up for a bit, but I'm sure I'll fiddle with it again soon. I really need to upload some pics along with posts like I used to - because it's looking pretty bland around here.

I've been having these awful dreams. And I know I've been saying everything is hormone related lately, but I think this is too. Or it happens more when I don't have the synthetic hormones in my system. But we don't have to get into all that. These dreams are like watching movies, except they're awful violent movies that you don't want to watch and can't turn away from. Thanks a lot, subconscious mind. I don't know how to explain. It's just disturbing and I hate waking up in a sweaty panic.

I'm waiting for him to get home. Yeah, he's working on a Saturday - that's a bunch of crap but has to be done sometimes. I get anxious to see him especially when I've been by myself all day. I was even going to mix myself a drink to up the lovey-dovey feeling, but I'll wait. The buzz I get from drinking doesn't ever seem to last long, so I don't want to waste it. And it's pretty likely that right now a drink will get me even more horned up. Hornified?

Anyway! I gotsta go for now.

So now what?

Alright. So Christmas has come and gone and of course it wasn't altogether bad. In some respects I'm relieved to have it over, but then again feel a bit sad that it passed in such a blur. We (J and I) both think it may have been more fun with some little chitlins running around, but then again more stressful too. But despite my "family crisis" shit, I was selfishly dealing with my own shit too and for that, I feel bad. Well, I mean I feel bad that I was in one of those moods where I will answer politely enough when spoken to but can't keep up a prolonged conversation, I wanted to smile but it felt unnatural for my face to cooperate, and none of the usual spirit-lifters had the same effect that I needed to be a good hostess. There are usually about 2 days a month where I am at my utmost worst, and these happened to begin right on Christmas. Not good. I also neglected to make getting certain important med refills of the utmost importance before the holidays. Now due to the idiocy not only on my part but on that of the pharmacy and then of the doctor's office, I am on day 2 without these stupid drugs in my system, knowing that day 3 is usually my breaking point for an uncontrolled crying freakout. It's awful timing. But like I said, it's my fault anyway and I'll get it taken care of.
As usual, my sweet fiance pulled off a fantastic meal for his parents, my mom and us. I could go on about how much he means to me, how he keeps me going when times are rough like this, and how I just love him so much that I can feel the tears welling up... but it would probably be a little nauseating for the rest of you. So we'll just say I'm glad that I had him there with me through this. I'll try to give a better recap of the holidays another time. I wanted it to be half-funny, half-complaining, but I'm going to just sound complainy if I do it now. You know how it is.

Holidazed

I don't know, folks. Despite my tendencies to be bah-humbug this time of year, I was secretly on and off feeling just a little festive. Sure, I've been stressed and sure I'm not really prepared, and sure we have continuous rain and gloom instead of snow, but I still was more or less planning on having a decent holiday. I sort of missed Christmas last year due to being terribly sick with a nasty stomach bug that knocked me on my ass for a week. So at least I don't have that to deal with. But as it turns out, my immediate family is in somewhat of a crisis now and none of us are really in the mood to celebrate. It's not that Christmas is being called off, but my brother is in some deep trouble that is really weighing heavily on all of us. I'm sorry I can't even explain. I don't know, it's a mess. My poor parents. But I am glad that despite of all the family issues we may have, we care about each other enough to be affected and concerned.
Sorry to be so depressing, and sorry that I haven't written much, or commented much or emailed much. Hopefully it'll all blow over soon.
I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday out there! Share some hugs and let people know you love them!

Chrishmish shapping

It's a good thing I haven't gone too crazy with online shopping, especially with how bad I am at regular shopping and how much better the products look on the computer screen than in person. I get in the stores and regardless of if I have an idea of what to buy or not, I get in this hazy, confused, irritable state and then end up doing things like looking at every single board book in the big old bookstore's section for kids, and then end up buying the one that my nephew already has. Or buying my significant other the same kind of shaver 2 years in a row AND also forgetting how crappy it was and that it nicked and cut up his face. As it gets closer and closer to Christmas and I get more and more desperate, everything I look at starts looking like what might be a good gift idea, which usually ends up being awful. And then I start thinking about this shit way too hard and want to break down right there in the store, yelling stuff out like "I don't think I even really KNOW my family or what the hell they like! Hey you there, hey lady - do you think my dad would like this sampler of teas? Hey stranger, how much do you have to spend on your coworkers to not look like a shmuck? Excuse me, hi there random person, do you think I'm buying these earrings because I like them or because I truly think my mom will like them? How about a variety pack of kleenex - is that a gift? I know I'd use it if it was for me. I mean, if you think about it - what isn't a gift, right? RIGHT? Someone??? Help?"
Yeah, so shopping tonight should be fun.

Oh Grumbley Grumbles

I'm having one of those bouts of eye-twitching, don't you hate that? It's just an annoying little quiver, feels like it might be sinus-related so I keep squeezing the bridge of my nose. I've also been experimenting with the art of eyebrow penciling lately, so it's like "hey, lookit that girl - what's her expression? Is she concerned? Annoyed? I don't know, but with the looks of that twitchy eye, I'd stay away from her if I were you..."

My petty complaint of the day is that I don't like being at the mercy of my boss for when I am allowed to have lunch. Normally I bring a cup of soup and a room temperature beverage since we don't have a refridgerator here (which yes, also annoys me) and I just eat at my desk and work through lunch. But some days, I don't like being confined! Some days I don't want or have soup! And it's like it's a BIG pain in the ass that I need to run out for 10 minutes to go get something, which I still can bring back and eat at my desk while working. But he likes to be in control. Yesterday he told me to go to lunch and it was only 10:45AM, today it was - you didn't bring your lunch again??? Irritated sigh. Well, I'll be back in an hour and a half, you can go then. I know, it's just a stupid little thing and usually I try to be flexible about it. It's just that I NEVER take advantage of the whole being entitled (by you know, the state regulations) to 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch thing, plus the phone hardly ever rings during the usual lunch times, plus we have caller ID and voice mail if anyone DID call, but nevermind, nevermind - I just get a little cranky when I'm hungry!

Assorted Fried Vegetables

So, I finally was given word that it was MY turn to switch over to the beta version of blogger. I'm kind of surprised that they really didn't come up with much in the way of NEW templates (what is there - one?) but at least they've made it somewhat easier to change the colors in the existing ones. We'll see how it works out.

I don't know what our holiday plans are. I don't know what our wedding plans are. I'm not a good planner.

Another weekend came and went. I didn't get Christmas shopping accomplished (including but not limited to completing the package that I need to send to Australia - like that's not gonna be late or anything, shit!) but I did get the fake tree put up and decorated, so it looks a bit more festive around the house. We had a coffee pot die (what, the coffee pot can't withstand a spill of [you guessed it] COFFEE on it's display? Weak!) so we bought another cheap one. It's like our history with toasters - they were practically a disposable commodity in our house until we finally just bought a toaster oven which was well worth the slightly higher cost and eventually we'll break down and spend a little extra on a coffee maker too - just not this time around. J made a delicious roast chicken (which isn't really news as his cooking is always delicious) and I made us some chocolate chip cookies (not festive, but still quite yummy). We had 2 visits from friends, which totals 3 whole people who like us enough to can hang with us. You know what company means: drinks may have got drinked and pots may have been smoken, but all in the spirit of being FESTIVE! Or something. We didn't end up watching any of our Netflix movies (Beerfest, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, X-Men 3) but at least we have some good ones ready when we get around to it. I finished reading My Friend Leonard by James Frey (really good) and started Little Children by Tom Perrotta which so far seems like it'll be good too. We got some Indian food last night - while we were eating I couldn't help envisioning myself today, clutching my stomach and saying "ugh, we had Indian food last night" but actually haven't had too many unpleasant after-effects. I've gotten more adventurous about food over the years and can even handle spicey to a certain point. Everything was SO seasoned though that it was almost like sensory overload. Good stuff though, interesting. So there's the weekend in a messy, unformatted nutshell.

Where's the beef?

Well, that was weird. Apparently everything checked out alright on my car. It wouldn't start, but then after they towed it back to their garage, it did start - he says it happens all the time, might be something got jiggled around during the tow. Isn't that always the answer? You just gotta jiggle it. Alright then.

This morning my boss picked up my sorry ass and brought me to work. We stopped along the way at a funky coffee shop that usually has amusing phrases on their sign, such as "Stop in for a cup of Whoop Ass!" "Coffee keeps you regular" or "We stopped peeing in the tea" so I had already decided I liked the place before I went in. Now maybe I'm just not used to the hip coffees the kids are drinking these days, but my house blend seemed a little odd. At first I thought it was just stronger than I was used to, but it was more of just a weird aftertaste of... is it... beef? Then I thought I know what this tastes like! The aftertaste is just like the "au jus" that you get with a french dip sandwich! That must be their secret! Still thinking I was just being crazy, I drank about 1/2 of it before my stomach clenched up and begged me to stop. On top of that, I have a beef-related soup for lunch, so I can forget about getting that taste out of my mouth.

Seems like this needs a dirty joke here, but I'm at a loss. So you just go on and have yourself a great day.

Whassa matta you?

Me + cars = trouble.

I was just thinking, juust theenking of finally getting some body work done on my car, when lo and behold she decided not to start after I got my morning coffee from the gas station and was going to be on my way to work. I'm sorry I cursed you, car! You trying to tell me you've got worse problems I should pay attention to? I hate that sinking feeling when you're turning the key when you know it's doing no good "please turn over, please this time, please fucking start!" At least I was parked in a decent spot (not at the pump) at the time and had a few minutes to make calls before the battery died on my cell phone (figures). But I hate that. When you like, need help from people, possibly strangers, but the look in their eyes says "please don't ask me, I don't know you, please don't ask me, what are you trying to pull, don't talk to me" but at least the store manager was kind enough to attempt giving me a jump start. It didn't work though, so now I wait to hear the fate of my car and hope it's nothing serious but I'm expecting the worst, because it usually is.

But hey, I got a ride to work from my non-working co-worker, a ride to the shop to drop off the keys, and hey I might even fenagle a ride home (across frickin town) from some kind soul. So I'm thankful that some people out there will still help other people. But most likely, only if they know you.