My Body Rejects Nature

These little ailments sometimes make me feel like one big mess. Stupid allergies. It itches from my eyes to my nose to my ears. Yeah, I guess that's not very far but trust me, it's concentrated. You know what feels good? Scratching the roof of my mouth with my toothbrush. Repeatedly Q-tipping my ears. Rinsing my contacts. Pressing on either side of my nose or under my eyes to relieve the pressure. Oh so itchy. Oh so scratchy. Allergy medicine - what? Yeah, I guess my whole "building up immunity" idea isn't working.
I stepped down on the side of my right ankle while wearing these awful shoes a few days ago, it wasn't too bad though. But then the next day my right knee was stiff and hurting. And it was at the same time that the right side of my sinuses were stuffed up, so pretty much that half of my body was useless. Then my uterus starts acting up and you know - it's just downhill from there.

I've never really suffered from insomnia, but I do appreciate it when it doesn't take me long to fall asleep. I hate that feeling when you just can't get in the right position or can't get your thoughts to quiet down, and as the restless hours pass you just get frustrated to tears because you know you're gonna feel like shit in the morning. Sometimes I also have a problem if the person I'm sleeping with falls asleep first. I find myself listening to the rhythm of how they breathe, and I start breathing in time with them, only it doesn't feel right, but when I try to breathe normally it's like I forgot how to breathe on my own. And that right there, pretty much sucks.
I shouldn't jinx myself. I've gotta get to bed.

Outside

La la la... taking some pictures, avoiding the bumblebees...



Ooh, what a lovely viney-shrubby thing with it's wee little red flowers!



Oh my! Well lookee here, it's the local bunner-buns getting a little sunshine! Have you had your lil' baby buns yet? I promise I won't take them from you!

Sucking In Reverse

You know how sometimes a stupid phrase you heard somewhere (that really has nothing to do with anything) just keeps popping up in your head?

I thought of this again the other night and of course, had to share it with you. One time when I was having my teeth cleaned and was quite old enough to know how the whole thing worked, the overly chipper dental hygenist gave me this little treasure to be forever stuck in my mind. She had that crazy little vacuum tube thing to put in my mouth and says:

"Do you like milkshakes?"
"Huaaghh" (I think I nodded or shrugged, as my mouth was full)
"Well see? This is just like a milkshake, but in reverse."

Oh yes, just like a milkshake. Only a gritty, minty, completely unenjoyable milkshake that's being sucked out of your mouth at a rapid speed. Yes, just like that. Thank you. Oh, you didn't want me to spew toothpaste everywhere? I thought blowing was sucking in reverse, you know.

Oh, to be hepped up on goofballs

Whatever happened to Mini-Thins? You probably can't get them anymore, can you? I mean, because of the ephedrine and all. I remember that you had to be 18 (supposedly) to buy them, but I wonder what the cut off age is that says you're getting too old for this shit? Probably also 18. They were big amongst my group of friends in highschool, not that that's saying much. They'd make me feel like jumping around and skipping merrily, and like I could smoke way more than usual without the consequences (which I'm sure was the recommended idea for this "asthma treatment".) But you had to watch out because depending on how many you took, you could really crash hard afterwards. I suppose this was one of the more minor dumbass things I did at the time.

That "just rolled out of bed" look

Q: You've got wild hair today, did you do something different?

A: Yes, I think it was the masturbating that did it.

Life's a garden, dig it!

I haven't been writing or using the computer as much lately - what's happening to me? Well, you haven't missed much. I've just been spending more time outside, pulling out weeds and dead stuff from the garden while sneezing incessantly. My mom came over on Saturday and we spent the better part of the day working on it, which still is only a dent in all we need to do. It was great to have her help and advice though. While we were doing that, J got us a nice new mailbox, tore out the old box and post and put the new one in, so we no longer have one that's leaning precariously to the side with its door hanging open. Yay!
I even chatted with a few of our neighbors a bit yesterday. I'm sure I made a great impression given that I hadn't showered or put makeup on yet, was wearing grubby gardening clothes and was sniffling like crazy from allergies. Oh well, they were really nice and hopefully I didn't scare them off for good.
So, as you can see it's just boring regular kind of stuff going on over here. But hey, just look at these purty-purty flowers that have popped up behind our house over the last couple weeks!






More to come...

The Homemade Bong Experiment

Oh, I forgot what I was going to tell you.

*Cough*

Not exactly a poem

Not exactly depressed.
Not the time to be hormonally moody.
Wouldn't say I'm coming down with something.
There isn't all that much pressure to speak of.
Can't say I'm necessarily angry.
But.
Still.
Life's little irritants,
Like the leftovers in the back of the fridge
That you want to just forget about
Are still there,
Lurking and starting to get stinky,
They're taking over and ruining the things that were good
Until you just have to deal with them
And I'm in the mood
To throw everything away

Yours is a butt that won't quit

I'm very low on energy today, so if I haven't written you or have only half-assed written to you, sorry about that. Me sleepy. No writey good.

So I'll just bring up some TV stuff.
It's easy for me to get hooked on these HBO & Showtime original series. Only, it seems like I don't watch the ones that virtually everyone else does, like "The Sopranos" "Six Feet Under" or "Curb Your Enthusiasm" or whatever it is you kids are watching these days. However, I've recently become rather into HBO's new series "Big Love" - you know, the one about polygamy, starring Bill Paxton? I think I become easily intrigued with alternative lifestyles, and alright, it's the drama too. It's really quite interesting and worth checking out. If I wasn't so out of it, I'd give you a better review.

I'd also gladly discuss "The L Word" "Deadwood" or "Weeds" with you, should you have an interest in them.
But right now, I can't really focus on much of anything - especially work, which reminds me - I have some to do. Blurrghh.

Coincidence?

It's been awhile since I've had some fortune cookie wisdom to share. But today the consensus was: chinese food for lunch! And lookee what I got:

Think of the danger while things are going smoothly.

Ah, yes. Thank you for that little tidbit. So, continue on with my paranoia and neuroses you say? Don't mind if I do!

The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste

Last night I had a dream that someone put a cigarette (a camel light to be specific) in my mouth and lit it. It felt so real. I nodded with gratitude, this way I could say it wasn't my own doing. But, I took a deep drag and it tasted bad (this has been happening more and more in my smoking dreams lately.) Thanks, conscience.

Speaking of dreams, last week I had some real disturbing ones. But this was on a day that I had taken a nap, which I don't do so much anymore - and it seems that I tend to have very odd dreams while napping. The kind that make it even more difficult to return to reality. I can't remember all of the details (wish I had written about it then) but it started out with some hot lesbian canoodling with most of the cast of The L Word, but then things took a horrible turn. It was like we were all playing this assassin game, only it turned out to not really be a game. This scary pro-wrestler dude (why the fuck was he there?) had drawn my name and came after me with this small rusty chainsaw, yelling to me that there was no point in running. The awful part, folks, is that when he caught up with me, I could actually feel the heat and the gnarly saw's teeth against my neck. He was going to cut my head off, and all I did was close my eyes and hope that it would be over soon. Really disturbing.

I swear, people. I hardly ever watch horror movies - in fact I tend to get not just disturbed but downright pissed at some of the previews for the shock horror movies that have come out lately. There's enough shit in real life or in dreams that scares the hell out of me, thank you.

Oblivion

It's pretty cute when J and his brother have the same video game and need to discuss gaming matters over the phone. J gets rather animated and can give a glowing, accurate, and sometimes mindbogglingly complete review of a game he enjoys, more thorough than any gaming site I've ever seen.

We were out shopping last week when his brother called to let him know he had just bought this game that J had recommended. A half hour conversation ensued as I kept shopping, once in a while wandering off with the cart or looking at him quizzically as I pointed first at one item, then another, then just said screw it and dropped whatever it was into the cart while he chatted.

When we got out to the car and he hung up, he smiled at me "Sorry I was on the phone so long, honey. I hope I didn't embarrass you."
"No no - I know you don't get to talk to your brother that often..."
"But...?" he said, and we both started to laugh.
"But if I have to hear another damn word about 'mages', 'magicka' or 'throwing fireballs' while we're in public, I'm going to have to pretend I don't know you."

Don't judge me by my pants

Ughh. Ever have one of those mornings where you leave the house knowingly making a bad clothing choice? Only since you're still in your morning grogginess mode, you tell yourself that you don't really care? Until you get a little ways down the road and see yourself in natural light, and then you do care but it's too late to turn around and go back? Or worse, you don't see the true hideousness of your outfit until you're under the flourescent lights at work? Oh, of course you don't. But I do.

I'm stuck in that clothing limbo right now. While it's becoming more and more apparent that I need to buy some new clothes that are ahem, a bit larger; I'm still giving myself this shred of hope that my fattiness is only temporary and I'll soon be fitting into my old clothes. Then again, my old clothes aren't worth much of a shit and are mostly clearance rack items anyway, so I don't know why it matters. Guhh.

So I've got these "nice" gray pants on with a very thin, subtle pink stripe in them that I haven't even owned for very long. They have a winning combination of being a tad tight around the waist along with being too short (I also have a knack for shrinking pants in the dryer.) So, I yank them down a bit to cover my glaringly ridiculous light pink socks (with black shoes, thus giving me that good ol 80s Michael Jackson look) and then with pants sitting at hip level, it's "hello there, belly flab!" Which might not be that noticable if I didn't also have a thin, ill-fitting pink sweater on (which, it turns out - is the wrong shade of pink to wear with these pants anyway.)

Please, just avert your eyes if I have to walk past you, okay?

Oh, like you didn't think that

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mute

The days that I need closeness the most are the days that I can't bring myself to reach out for it.

Not babysitter material

So, the weekend visit with the brother went okay. It felt like we really didn't get much of a chance to talk, but I guess neither of us are very big talkers anyhow. Or we just don't know how to instigate a conversation sometimes. Also, there was a bit of awkwardness with his girlfriend and her 8 year old daughter being there. The good thing was that the girl really liked us, the bad (well I don't know if I can even say bad, just kind of again, awkward) thing was that she was getting really clingy with me. And they didn't seem to care or you know, get her off of me, but whatever. Oh now, I know what you're thinking - "aww, she liked you, don't be mean about it". It's true that as much as I don't feel like a "kid person" they do have a way of melting my childless, cold-ass heart. Damn kids. Making me like them and stuff.

For some reason, it seems as if I'm always the one that both dogs and children run to. They will single me out of a crowd even when I try to blend in. Don't get me wrong - I like kids. I like dogs. But sometimes I have similar problems with both.

Like, you know when people have a particularly jumpy dog they'll usually try to hold them back and keep them off of their guests? I appreciate that. Honestly, I was for the most part terrified of dogs as a kid and while I was never bitten - being growled at and jumped on or knocked over pretty much scared the shit out of me on several occasions. I suppose it didn't help that I'd shriek and pull my hands up, but hey - we never had a dog before - I didn't know what to do. Anyways, point being - not everyone is a "dog person" or will know how to keep your dog under control if it freaks out and I really don't think they should have to. I think most owners are considerate of that fact.

Same goes for children. It's kinda nice when parents restrain them from jumping on you and stuff. Most parents are considerate when visiting other people's homes that do not have kids, and note that perhaps this isn't a place to let them run around willy-nilly and out of control, even if that's what they do at home. I'm not saying the kids should have to be bored out of their minds and sit there being seen and not heard. I'm saying that when you visit someone with your kid - who these people have never met - you might want to maybe give them something to occupy themselves with and like, maybe pay attention to what they're doing so your hosts don't have to become the mean old babysitter. You know? I don't mean to sound like some old bitch. I just mean like, do you let your kids just wander into other people's bedrooms or mess with their things or with their pets? And we've had friends before who have come over with their child (and I understand that they need a break and want to visit with the adults and everything, but...) then sort of ignore them while they try to pull expensive electronics off of shelves, or beat on things, or just shrug when their kid knocks shit over that he shouldn't have been messing with, and look at you like it's your fault that your house wasn't childproof. It just seems to put us in an uncomfortable situation. But you know...

Anyways, point - if there is one - is that both my brother and his girlfriend have quite complacent or maybe just apathetic personalities. While this sometimes may seem like a good coping mechanism among chaos, it can lead to bad things, too. I'm just a bit worried about the fact that they are due to have a baby in another few months and they're kinda like "eh, whatever." They are both in their 30s and I don't feel that I'm one to give them advice. I don't expect them to change their lifestyle and I certainly can't talk as I don't have kids of my own and I haven't always made the wisest choices in my own life. I do hope for the best for them, and it was nice to have them visit - but also nice to have them go.

Oh, what's this?

Life in the backyard! We haven't even like, done anything yet yard or gardenwise (obviously, but like I said - it's just been getting tolerable here recently) but look - suddenly there's life! Stuff is growing everywhere! Flowers and - I kid you not - sightings of fluffy little bunner-buns hippity-hopping through our backyard. It's crazy - especially after having lived in apartments for 15 or more years. Yardwaste receptacles? Proper drainage? Spring leaf & brush pickup? Lawn chemicals? Holy crap, this owning a home thing is still sinking in. Yikes!

Uncharacteristically excited about the weather

Do you smell that April freshness? It's muhhfukkin spring, yo! (Yeah, that's right - just now it is. I know, it's a little late when you live up here.)

Which means:
- Temperatures occasionally above freezing!
- Allergies, complete with sneezing fits that go something like this: aauhh-chew, aauhh-chew-wee, aauhh-cha-heww! High pollen alerts!
- What do I wear???
- The office's blinds have been slightly adjusted for peepin the outdoors - ooh, hello sunny parking lot! Hi there, dilapidated house next door without window coverings, nice to see ya!
- Our (indoor) cat is meh-meh-ing to go outside - much snoofing to be done and grass to be eaten and horked up later!


- I don't know the first thing about gardening and there's flowers n' stuff growing outside - don't eat it, kitty!
- Taxes - while questionably accurate - are DONE!
- Mmmm, don't you look sexy out there grillin'!
- Commence the mating rituals! Snoo-snoo! Rumpy-pumpy! Hubba-hubba! Mrrrowwrr-mrroww!

Pulling my hair out won't help

I tend to get anxious and sometimes depressed when there's about to be a family gathering of some kind. My brother and his pregnant girlfriend and her daughter from a previous relationship will be coming to visit. They won't even be spending the night with us, so I shouldn't be worried about it. The more I sit and stew on it, the worse I'll feel. So once again, I'm venting my thoughts here in hopes that I will feel better after attempting to put my feelings into words.

I feel ashamed, because I shouldn't be feeling like this. I'll only make it worse. I used to think of myself as warm, caring and forgiving. Very forgiving - to a fault I guess you could say. But time has passed, and I've grown accustomed to my pouty, unforgiving ways. The worst is that it's towards my family - who I really should be closest and most forgiving with.

It's not a good time to bring up this old shit, but it really never will be. I really should do the civil thing and swallow my feelings and smile. But then you know, there's that whole resentment thing. And it shows, as much as I try to hide it.

There just eventually came a point in my life where I realized that I had been making excuses for my brother for so long, trying to put him in a good light, covering up the things I know he did... that it became a burden on me. But I know it's not fair to just be secretly angry because it's my problem that I haven't quite come to terms with. Actually, later in life we've become more of friends with each other. I should know he's sorry even if we can't talk about it... right? I think we tried to once, and I just couldn't deal with it, it broke my heart and felt embarrassing to hear him apologize and I just quickly smoothed it over like it never was a big deal to me. So why is this bothering me now? I mean, he's grown up and changed - sort of. What do I even want to come from this? Do I want him to feel awful all over again for things he did that made me feel awful? No, not really. Do I want to shut him out of my life the way he did with us for so many years? A little. Do I want him to be happy now that he's becoming a father? Of course I do, but I can't say the idea doesn't worry me. Do I want to grab him and shake him and tell him he's done some really stupid shit? Yeah, sometimes. But you know what? There will always be people that will feel that way towards him, and I don't think that's what I'm meant to do. I feel like I'm meant to be the voice of reason and understanding. But sometimes, I just don't feel up to it the way I used to. Like now.
This is only as big of a deal as I make it. Then again, in my little world things are always a big deal.

Toilet-trees

Alright, then. We're keepin it in the bathroom, folks. I normally am not one to participate in your meme-ery, but as you may know, I do have an interest in bathroom products. In fact, whether it's my mom or boyfriend - whoever I live with is usually subjected to an annoying amount of products lining the bathtub, along with several drawers and shelves worth of shampoo, bodywash, perfume, lotion, etc. And who can turn down a tagging from El Diablo de Verde when he asks so nicely?

1. Body soap?

I try something new all the time, but right now it's SoftSoap Pomegranate & Mango bodywash (it's sweet but not sickeningly sweet) and Dial Green Tea & Vitamin E bodywash (it's nice and fresh-smelling and not so girly, so the boyfriend can use it too).

2. Face wash?

Aveeno skin brightening scrub & Olay daily face wash for sensitive skin

3. Shampoo?

Also changes frequently, but me and the boyfriend both like L'oreal Vive for frequent use - smells fresh and citrus-y!

4. Moisturizer?

Dove for sensitive skin

5. Cologne/Perfume?

Breathe Romance by Bath & Body Works, various others depending on my mood

6. Deodorant/Anti-perspirant?

I'm not too particular, but Ban, Lady Mitchum & Lady Speed Stick are decent

7. Toothpaste?

Colgate

8. Mouthwash?

Cool Mint Listerine

9. Razor?

some kinda Schick or imitation of

10. Shaving cream?

n/a

11. Aftershave?

n/a

12. Missed anything?

- Hmm, I like this orange hair goo I have called Potion 9 by Sebastian. It smells good and helps control the frizzies. It's probably the only item among these that's over $10, because I'm cheap, bitches! If I could afford it, I'd probably buy Aveda or Bumble & Bumble goodies.
- Oh, and it'll totally throw off my day if I don't have Q-tips for my ears, especially right after showering.

13. Whose bathroom shall we raid next?
Whoever is willing, please join in and let me know! But if I must call some of you out, then so be it. Just you know, do it if you want to and let me know or whatever. No pressure.

A few ladies:
SayUnderpants
Beckalicious
Grafs

A couple fellers:
HemisphereDancer
Will

*Bonus Questions*

14. Do you prefer a bath or a shower?
Our new place has a double-sized (double-wide?) shower, which is fine with me although I did like the occasional bubble-bath.

15. Your most disliked fragrances (air-freshener or otherwise)?
As we discussed in the last post, fakey vanilla stuff (just gives me a headache) and I've never been too fond of rose-scented stuff either.

"It smells like burning"

I'm not too fond of the people at work lighting matches in the bathroom to cover their poo smell. Granted, I don't really want to smell their poo either, but it's a relatively small office and this tends to just make other people freak out because they think something is on fire. I go out in the hallway to make copies and my eyes and nose are instantly burning with the smell of flaming poo.
A new addition has also been made to the line up of bad air fresheners in the bathroom. Someone brought in one of those el-cheapo vanilla body sprays, perhaps a rejected Christmas gift? Unlike most people, I'm not a big fan of the fakey vanilla fragrances to begin with. Combined with the other smells, we might as well just have some old guy hanging out in the bathroom puffing on some vanilla pipe tobacco. Blech.


* If you liked this smelly topic, be sure to check out the similar fragrance of this one!

Unreflected

I'm just floating around aimlessly, don't mind me. I don't know what to say. I keep worrying that I say all the wrong things, or I've said stuff in a way that didn't properly reflect how I meant it. I think I scare people away. So uhh, it comes from being a hermit and I'm sorry.

It was a rotten day for talking about my health. At the doctor's office, I was painfully aware of how all the nurses & lab techs were younger/prettier/perkier/have better jobs than me. You see where I'm going with this. My self image is not at it's best during this time of my cycle to begin with. Of course the only available magazine in the waiting room was Seventeen - which normally I would just snicker at, but today felt like a reminder of how uncool and out of touch I am. Then it was time to step on the scale. Looking at those awful red digits come up was both suprising and (after rubbing eyes and looking again) terribly disconcerting. I'm really embarrassed at how much I've let myself go in the last few years, and it all seems to be catching up with me now. Left alone in the exam room I frowned at myself in the mirror, noticed how my makeup seemed so much less than flattering under the flourescent lights than it had at home, and tried rather unsuccessfully to smooth my windblown hair. The doctor was nice as usual, and nothing about it really should've made me feel bad. But I'm afraid the most likely result of this will be "Based on our tests, it turns out you're just a lazy and sad little piggy. You don't need medicine, you need a kick in the pants."

Abracadabra

Oh, farts. I'm nervous again. But that's just kinda my way, you know?

1. There could be a possible visit by my estranged brother this coming weekend. It is currently unknown if he will be bringing his pregnant girlfriend whom I have not yet met, or the two children from her previous relationship. I feel a bit uncomfortable, will possibly explain more about that later.
2. You know, I figured I should probably like get on with doing the taxes and whatnot, ya know? But I only got so far before I ran into something different than in previous years. We're both on the mortgage for our new home, and we're not married. Do we have to decide which one of us claims the shit or split the amount in half and hope the feds figure it out? Do we still get to use the EZ forms? Bleh.
   
3. I get to go to the doctor tomorrow and see if they can tell me if my thyroid has truly gone bonkers. When I went in December for a general exam, the NP mentioned on my way out that my thyroid "felt a bit enlarged" and passed me off to the lab to have blood drawn without much of an explanation. I received a card with a check next to "normal" but then why did my throat feel funny and why am I showing several warning signs of a thyroid problem, along with it running in my family? Huh?
4. My boss will return tomorrow from vacation and hopefully I didn't forget or fuck up anything beyond repair in his absence.
   

Comparing apples to oranges

The last thing I want to do is push people away, especially when I need them so badly. I wish I didn't, but I do. I've got to stop doing this shit where I compare myself and my life to others and their lives. It only makes me miserable and dissatisfied. I'll think that they do it too, that they see me as less than themselves. But, you know? Maybe they don't. It's not fair to do to myself or anyone else.
There's just a certain place I thought I'd be in by this point in my life. But you know, if I had even half the motivation of an average person - maybe I'd be there by now. If I stop and think, there are things to be desired, but my life isn't too shabby. I can't get jealous because surely everyone has had to struggle in their own way - it only looks easy from the outside.


whether you fall
means nothing at all
it's whether you get up
it's whether you get up...