Say Something (follow-up)

Thanks again to everyone who de-lurked and left a comment on the last post, or anytime for that matter. I'd like to say this blog is just for myself like a diary, but I admit it - I like to know there are people out there who read it! A lot of times it makes me feel a bit less lonely. I think we all like to get some kind of feedback on our blogs, although I can't really say much for myself sometimes, as I often get shy about leaving comments or giving advice, even when I enjoy what I'm reading. I try to break out of being such a silent observer, and I appreciate it when others do that too. Alright, I'm babbling. Anyways, thanks for indulging me...

Say Something

As I learned from Girlfiend, it's National De-Lurking week, or it was and it's dangerously close to being over! Won't you come out of the shadows and leave a comment? Please, don't be shy... take this opportunity to say hi, ask me questions, tell me about yourself, put a little somethin-somethin in my inbox, eh? It's always appreciated. Pretty please?

Say something, say something, anything
I’ve shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

- from "Say Something" by James

In The Waiting Line

I thought I had a lot of material for posts, but it's all stopped up in my head. So prepare for another disjointed post! If I just had some time to devote to writing without interruption... well, then again I'd need motivation too. I'll have to get to that another time.

Anyways, the news is that our little cat is sick and is on some heavy-duty antibiotics. If you haven't tried it, it's just loads of fun trying to give a cat it's medicine. Poor girl. They've discovered a few more health problems than what we originally brought her in to the vet for. She is getting up there in years, but if you saw how she gallops about and attacks her catnip mouse, you'd think she was still a kitten. I really hope she's gonna be okay. We're gonna try to keep her as happy and comfortable as possible and will hopefully have her around for a while longer. I'd say more, but it's kinda tough for me to write about.

I watched "Must Love Dogs" the other night, it was okay. Diane Lane looked pretty milfy (can we just use that as an adjective these days?) but seemed to lack much in the way of natural-looking facial expressions. I don't know how to describe it. She's still cool and everything though and so was John Cusack, who was his usual sarcastic witty character. Nothing really stood out in this movie as all that funny or all that touching, but it was decent.

I'm wearing one of my dorkier outifts and I can't wait to go home and change. I also can't wait to go home because this day is dragging and at home I have some peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies that I made the other night - mmm, cookies.

I Do Not Want This

Feeling a bit more energetic today, although I'm also a bit edgy. I don't necessarily like feeling like this. It's like I've got my anger back after it's been subdued for a long time. I'd gone for so long without expressing it that now it just comes out all wrong. I hate it when I'm furiously silent and pouty, when I'm mad I can't look you in the eyes. I find it hard to just let off some steam and not explode. I want to scream and throw things but I don't, I hate it when people do that. Once in a great while, I'll slam a door - I hate it when people do that too, but sometimes I see how that can feel good. I also hate it when people around me know I'm mad and think it's funny that the meek little doormat can have an angry side. I guess I just feel highly sensitive to everything today. Remember that Seinfeld when George tries to get people to leave him alone at work by looking really "busy", which he does by just looking pissed off? But I suppose saying "What the fuck could you possibly want now?" whenever someone comes in or calls would be taking it a little far.

But it'll be okay. At least until I run out of pretzels to snack on.

Possum Kingdom

I'm only half "here" today. Not much different than any other day. Just a shell of a human being, sitting at this desk. Yeah, I exaggerate. I didn't get enough sleep.

Our kitty's sick again and will be going back to the vet. Not cool. We'll see what they say. It's sad when you have an older pet and have to think about these things, and people in general just think putting it to sleep is always the answer if the pet is older than 10. If my boss makes another joke pertaining to cruelty to animals, especially now... it may result in a whip-kick to the temple. Or some Real Ultimate Power type stuff, I don't know. As cool as he can be, I just don't understand people who have no feelings for any pets or animals in general. Or they only have feelings of contempt and annoyance.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible that gnats or some other kind of teeny tiny fly have been breeding inside this monitor. It's too cold out for many bugs at all to be around, but these little bastards are constantly hovering around the screen, occasionally attempting to fly directly into my eyes. I never see them hanging out anywhere else. This has been going on... well, probably since I've worked here, which has been over a year now. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone until now, as I'm sure I'll be targeted as at fault somehow, and no one wants to be the nasty girl with flies swarming around her. Just so you know though, I do shower and often wear some kind of scented lotion. So yeah, I've got that going for me...

By the way, Tropical Citrus is the worst flavor of Propel I've had so far. It's kinda like Tang (did you drink that back in the day?) but without the sweetness. Blech. Yeah, I know a lot of people think all of the Propel flavors are bad, but I don't really like the taste of plain water in general, plus this makes me feel just a little bit "healthy" since the rest of the time I'm known to drink diet cola.

I've decided to continue with using song titles for my posts. It may have some relevance to the post, or I may have heard it on the radio, or it may just be something from my mental jukebox that I hope you will pick up on. Unoriginal, I know, but I will do it until it no longer amuses me or when I actually think of proper titles. Did you even need to know that?

This post is a whole lotta nothing.

Joy in Repetition

What is this... tingling sensation I feel? Is this what you humans call... arousal? My tender parts are flushed. Can't... keep... legs together. Must commence to grinding. What is this... pleasure you speak of? Pleasure... without procreation? I must learn more of your ways. It's like my heartbeat... is in my pants. Give me something to sit on. Pardon me, I appear to be magnetically drawn to your lap. Let me just hug your face with my chest. What is this... heat I feel emanating from my loins? Did I sit in a puddle? What an interesting sensation. These panties make me so ticklish. Ooh, if I cross my legs real tight... that's nice.

Have you ever been late to work because you had a not-so-quick morning quickie? Or you decided it might help to get yourself off before work and it took a little longer than expected? Or umm, both? How do you explain that?

It can't rain all the time

I'm not normally much of a "gamer", but I wish I could just go home and play more Dead or Alive 4. That would be sweet. Even though the game pisses me off from time to time, at least I'm getting better at it. The lure of unlocking new costumes keeps me coming back. I appreciate things like that, I suppose it appeals to my wanting to play dress up like a little girl. Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball was awesome for that. The whole game was just winning money at tournaments to save up money to unlock sexier bathing suits for the ladies. Unfortunately, the gameplay itself was kinda lame. But anyways...

The other distraction I've been enjoying lately is playing mahjong on the computer. Yeah, that's what it's come to. What a dork. I can spend hours playing this addictive little game with nothing to show for it but sore and dried up eyes, but alas, it keeps me busy.

I think you all can tell I've hit another low with the blog. I've just been having trouble expressing myself and the words don't come out how I want them to. Plus, I'm one of the most boring people around and bitter on top of that. It's nothing new around here, but I've just been in pretty rotten moods lately, and trying to hold back on some of my bitching. This blog just doesn't give me the same joy it used to, but I'm not yet ready to give it up.
Speaking of blogs, my sister-in-law has one now. It's cool, it's more of one of those keeping up with family from far away kind of blogs. She's quite a funny writer too, and oh, how I want to say something! Now even my parents are hip to the blogging scene! I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before someone says "hey, you used to write, this might be a good outlet for you." But I can't really say anything about Nervous Thoughts. Do I make up another blog, only "family-friendly" this time? There are certainly things in this one that would worry and disturb my family. But then again, I think if I wrote one with the intention of family seeing it, it would be really fake. I don't know, in my own way I'm kinda proud of this little blog here, but conflicted about sharing it. There are probably already too many who know and it makes me worry about what they think. It's silly.

Back to bidniss and crabby as a mofo

This is why I never liked depriving myself of things. It leads to this quiet, seething anger turned inward. On my quest to be a better person, instead of feeling cheerful and positive, inside I feel a mix of furious and sad. Why did I have to set myself up with this stupid reward system anyway? Yes, I suppose I am always in need of a crutch or a pat on the back. Now, quitting smoking seems like a lonely (and cruel) world. It feels like ex-smokers and non-smokers and current smokers are all equally non-sympathetic. Then again, I just haven't found much reassurance in anything anyone has had to say. Before I felt like smoking was a lonely world. It seemed like it was getting gradually less and less acceptable. Restaurants, the few that still allow smoking, give the smokers the shitty section. Non-smokers glared at me when I was standing outside, making me hang my head in shame. People would sometimes recoil and start fanning their hands furiously if the smoke blew their way. (I will not let myself become one of those people.) My boyfriend quit over the summer so I know it's been bugging him that I've still been smoking, even though he's been quiet about it for the most part. The smell on my clothes and hair had been bugging me. But still...
I feel angry, at myself mostly. But actually, you know - I do feel angry just in general. Because I'm not one of those people who feels great about denying themself of something. I can and I have, and I don't like it. But there's this idea that that's the only way we're "good" people. And if I wasn't so "bad" it wouldn't be so hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but I think perhaps it's harder for me because I have a shitty attitude, ya know? Ha, yeah. Well, it's just the 10th day, so we'll see how that goes. I'd like to make up for the lack of rewarding myself by eating more, but I just can't. I already felt like crap about myself, and now that the stomach flu gave me a headstart on losing weight, I feel like I can't screw it up this time. So here I am. I feel like I need a new fix. Fuck willpower. Fuck being back to work. Fuckin Fuck Fuck Shit!

Sorry I'm late, I was dead...

Well, hellooooo! This is the first time I've sat at the computer in a long time. It's the first time I've been able to do ANYTHING in what feels like a very long time. It feels good to be alive again. As of last Saturday around 4 AM, my stomach cried "LIQUIDATION! EVERYTHING MUST GO!" and I've been wicked sick ever since. 24 hour bug, my ass! This shit has lasted 6 days! I thought I was gonna shrivel up and die, I tell ya. Nasty, nasty stuff that I really hope is over for good now. I know I said a while back that I wished I could just skip the holidays altogether, but not like this! I know I said (or just thought) that I wanted to lose 10 pounds or more, but not like this!
Anyways, I think I'm on the road to recovery. I hope you're all doing well and will be checking in with you soon. Enjoy your precious digestion, people!

Fake it 'til you make it

Last night was a whirlwind of shopping and cookie baking. Guess what? The cookies turned out okay! Good, even. Yay! I know, big deal right? The significance of this is that I haven't exactly worked on my "skills" doing anything that might be considered "domestic" but it means more to me now. I think more and more about all the things my mom knew how to do at my age or younger (and with kids to take care of) and how much I suck for not knowing that stuff! Examples:
- I sewed a button back on a pair of pants, and I think it fell off the same day.
- Years ago when I lived with my mom, she left some potatoes boiling on the stove while she went to do something else. She asked me to mash them, and I did - without draining the water first! (Still feel bad about that one.)
- At least I don't mind doing laundry, and with my experience I should be pretty good at it. But I can't guarantee I won't shrink things...
- I don't really enjoy cooking, but if I do make something it's usually all in one skillet.
- My cleaning and organizational skills have dropped from above average to "I'll try to make it look decent for company."

Well, you gotta start somewhere, right? The baking frenzy will continue!

Too cold. Can't think. Pictures instead.

My cat ponders the meaning of Christmas

We didn't even set her up to do that, but wouldn't she be cute with some little antlers? No? Yeah, somehow I don't think that would be appreciated. Muffers was just getting into the holiday spirit. You could even say she glows... (cough... ahem, sorry bout that one folks.)

If you have the time, please check out I Love Your Pets! for more pet pictures, contributed by myself and others with much better photography skills. Let me know if you want to contribute or have suggestions. Or don't.

Alright, but I'm keeping my socks on

Yesterday, I had my annual poke and prod at the doctor. You know what I'm talkin about, ladies - not fun. At least she was in and out in no time and handed me a wad of kleenex when it was done. But it made me feel so cheap! I'm kidding. But anyways, I'm okay, pretty much. Things aren't so much like they used to be at the ol' doctor's office. Not sure if it's just the changing times or that I'm at an age where they don't worry about me too much. There's always things I wanted to say or questions I wanted to ask after it's too late. And, did you even check my chart to see my history? Then again, I believe I'll have to make another post about some of those appointments that I had wished weren't so in depth! Anyway, as I was about to leave she told me I'd have to stop at the lab and have some blood drawn. Apparently I may have a thyroid problem, but we'll see what the results say. It didn't sound like it was a big deal to treat, but you know me - I obsess. Give me some symptoms, and I'll have them. But really, it is hereditary so it's not a huge surprise. I just didn't know that some of the things I've experienced, like depression, could be partly because of that. But I don't know yet, so I'm jumping the gun. Really, there could be much much worse conditions to worry about, so I'm really not that worried as much as I just want to know more about it.
So, I was thinking about things and talking myself up. Like I'm going to take multi-vitamins, change or ween off of meds, eat better, excercise, get a good night's sleep, let go of some things I've been holding onto for too long, lose some weight, change my hair, try to look better, be mature, be happy, be more "normal", etc. I know these things take time and I can't do it all at once. But still, I woke up feeling rather good this morning and then a few hours later, was practically in tears at work for no real reason. Guess I've just gotta ride out the highs and lows, cause now I feel okay again. You know I'll keep ya posted.

Observations from a wallflower

Sometimes, we'll be out and I'll watch you like a stranger trying to be impartial. A silent observer, admiring you from a distance. I get to see a different side of you and it puts things in a refreshing perspective. The way you talk to people, the way you listen, the way your laughter spreads throughout a room. The way you can entertain a crowd of people yet not be someone who's just "putting on a show." The way your humor, wit and sarcasm is intelligent and never too much or too little. The way you don't have to be the attention-grabbing star and you don't leave me in the shadows. The way our eyes will meet from across a room and know what each other is feeling. The way you tell a story or a joke, the laughter is infectious. Even if they didn't laugh, you know I would and I wouldn't have to worry about forcing it. I see the way they look at me, at us together and they smile...
I'll watch you and think of a time when we were just two strangers in a coffee shop. Two strangers, taking up two otherwise empty tables. One reading and one writing, but neither one paying much attention to what they were doing. I asked if I could join you and you smiled and said yes...

Reruns

Okay, so I've added some new links recently to my list on the right (go on, mingle - I'm sure you'll like each other!) So just in case there are new people coming by who've never seen this blog before, or for anyone who'd rather not dig through the old archive pile (can't blame you), I've made a short list of some previous posts so you all can get a better idea of the kind of stuff you may find here. Of course, there'll also be some smut and incoherent ramblings mixed in from time to time. I seem to have a tough time sticking to one particular theme!

(Really, I'm just feeling a bit embarrassed of my writing lately, yet not embarrassed enough to take it down so I'm half-trying to make up for it. And, okay - I'm really not quite sure what to write about next, so... humor me here, please!)

• 20 Random Quirks
• Nervous Much?
  
• Immaculate Misconceptions
• Can't Hang
• Everybody Poops
• Memories

Free love, coffee and cute hippie girls

A reader's request or a joke? Well, I'm not one to shy away from such topics. Nothing noteworthy has happenend in that department for years, so I take you back to 1998...

Kissing her is like kissing yourself... well, if you could kiss yourself. The way her tongue stays politely in her mouth, waiting for yours to make the first invitation. It's how you would do it, if you were playing the girlie role, but in this case you feel like taking the lead. Once you've made that first move, she receives you as if she's been starving for it, for you, all along. Her tongue and yours dance in soft wet circles around each other. Eyes are closed, breathing is heavy. You stop to take a breath and share a nervous giggle. She tastes sweet and her berry-flavored lips are symmetrical with your own when slightly parted. Two lip glosses becoming one obscure flavor. You can't believe you're making out with her, but also can't believe that anyone could resist her. There's nothing softer or more delicious than her mouth. She makes you dizzy, heat rushing to your cheeks and between your legs. The small delicate features of her face make you almost want to hold back, be gentler than you normally would be. You don't grab a handful of hair at the nape of her neck like you would with him. You keep pausing to ask if she's sure she's okay and she smiles, rolling her beautiful brown eyes at you playfully. She seems so fragile under your hands, a way you've never seen her before. You just want to wrap your arms around her, keep her as your own, keep her safe. She's the most adorable little hippie chick you've ever had the pleasure of knowing. And you want to know more. But the reality sets in. Her boyfriend is waiting for her upstairs. She laughs out loud, runs a hand through her short dark brown hair and pulls another cigarette from her pack. "Just one more, I've gotta calm down" she says breathlessly. You're both flushed, and you roll down one of the steamed up windows of your car to let some cold air in. You turn back and see she hasn't lit her cigarette and she's looking into your eyes so deeply you almost feel naked in front of her. She runs her fingers through your long reddish hair, then pulls your face towards hers. She kisses you with confidence now, makes little noises of excitement in the back of her throat. Her hand has made it's way up your thigh and grips you, sending a shiver down your spine. You feel it deep within you, that feeling you're not supposed to feel, but you do...
"Really. Thanks again for the ride" she says, and you watch as the streetlight casts it's glow on her thin graceful figure, guiding her away from you once more...

Seasonal anxiety

When it comes to this time of year, I feel paralyzed. Paralyzed up until just about the last few moments when there is still time to make a plan. It's not that I don't love my family and extended family, I do. It's not that I don't know the importance of being together at Christmas, I do. Still, these last few years especially it's been very hard to pull myself up above my stupid feelings and be social. My mom would like us to go with her 3 hours north. My dad would like us to come to his house 3 hours south. Both parents stress the importance of seeing not only their side of the family but seeing the other parent's side of the family as well. Yet this year may be my only chance to have the leverage of us just buying a house and wanting to spend the first Christmas at home. J's parents live close, don't usually travel and are generally up for celebrating Christmas whenever, which is nice. My brother who lives 3 hours north has a girlfriend now and very little time off of work, so he may be inclined not to travel this year. However, in the last year our father has provided both my brother and I with vehicles to drive, so how can we not go visit him? I feel this enormous guilt, yet I'm still finding it difficult to commit to any plans. A big part of it that I hate to admit is my fear of driving, on the highway for long distances specifically. It's a paranoia that I've developed in the last few years, and it seems laughable to mostly everyone else. I know it's one of those things that I can only conquer by just facing it, and then it won't be that bad. But most times I only think about this when there comes the need for travel, which is usually at Christmas. Which is usually when the roads are the worst and my fears multiply. Ice is fucking scary. Whiteouts are fucking scary. Deer running in front of your car is scary. Then there's the actual Christmas part. I haven't even begun to shop or think about what to get people, and after looking at our budget and all these new expenses, I'm not sure it'll be anything much! At least last year, I thought I did pretty well, at least with the gifts for parents. And I know that's not everything, but still it does make me happy to give when I can. Then there's the spending the night if we do go out of town. I don't think we'd be able to afford a hotel room, but staying with family isn't always easy, either. My mom has reminded me that even though she doesn't have a problem with it, we shouldn't put relatives in the position to put us up in a room together. I can sort of understand, my mom's side of the family is Catholic and all. (And you know we're just dying to have hot nasty unmarried sex in some unsuspecting relative's house!) But yeah, I don't really like the idea of staying with family either and wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, including us.
I'm sure I could continue on with the complaining and the anxiety, but really I think I'm giving all of us a collective headache. I can't let myself get all freaked out, that doesn't help anything. But you know what does help, along with candy and inebriants and an understanding boyfriend? Being able to vent about it!

Movies & Malaise

Hey there, folks. Finally got a chance to write a bit. I started feeling sicky-icky on Sunday and that's continued on and off Monday and today. Yesterday I ended up staying home, curled up on the couch. I have to admit it was nice just being there, quiet and cozy. There are always lots of things I think I'll accomplish on a sick day, but of course that doesn't happen.
So I finally watched "The Notebook" all the way through - had only caught pieces of it before. I have to say, for being a "chick flick" it was really good. It was touching and romantic, and yes it even got me all teary eyed. Ryan Gosling has really grown up since his days on the Mickey Mouse Club, I tell ya! I've been liking Rachel McAdams more and more too, and it seemed like they had some good chemistry going on in that movie, both did a really good job. Sigh. Then I watched "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" and it was eh, okay. I think the first one was better. I did some laundry and napped for a couple hours after that. Over the weekend I also watched "Bewitched" with Will Farrell & Nicole Kidman. It was pretty cute, but no huge laughs really and not enough Steve Carell! Oh, and we watched "Robots" this weekend too, which was good and looked really cool with the animation and whatnot. Last night we watched "Constantine" with Keanu Reeves. I'm not a huge Keanu fan but it was okay if you like that kind of thing. Sort of comparable to the "Blade" kind of movies, though that might be an insult to some. So as you can see, we're trying to get the most out of our last month with Netflix! I think Netflix is great and everything, but it's just another expense that we should cut out. We went over our bills and budget last night - not fun!
Anyways, I should get back to bidness.

Why must I feel like that?

Dude... I mean it about wanting to hibernate. It's snowing again and will probably continue all day. Yeah, it's pretty but only when you don't have to go out in it.

I'm feeling sorta like the same old blah me. Even though I'm still not really sure what all that means. Still as moody as ever, even though the change in living environment has helped. I thought I had already gone on this journey of self-discovery 10 years ago. And then again 6 years ago. Maybe you just never stop learning, even about yourself. I'm less easily swayed than I used to be, but still feel that I try too hard to find a place where I fit in. Like it or not, and as anti-social as I may be, I do feel the need to bond with people. I'm just not very good at it. One of our mutual friends has moved back to town and I've been pretty thrilled about it, even if it's not under the best of circumstances that she's here. I've been longing for some female companionship and she's always fun to be around. But just like other relationships, I have to watch myself cause I'll be bound to fuck it up if I get too excited about it. In school, it wasn't always as hard to find friends. Granted, not all those bonds were much more meaningful than who you sat at lunch with or who would share their scented markers with you, but still. At my age, it's not as easy. Girls are tough to understand and be friends with. Then again, I haven't really put myself out there. I think I'll go hang out in the self-help section at Barnes & Noble. Oh yeah.
I don't think this was even what I intended to write about in this post, but that's what came out. Eh, you know how it goes. I tend to get a little more down this time of year. It'll be fine though. I'll bounce back.

Why must I chase the cat?

Since we've moved in, our poor kitty has had a number of problems. At first, she seemed to adjust really well to the move. But I know it's always stressful for pets when there's a change to their environment. I thought, if anything, she'd be much better off here. We used to smoke in our little apartment, and now we have more room and don't smoke (well, I go outside) so I thought that would definitely be good for our cat. But she's lost her voice! Her mews and mehs just sound whispery now. I'm thinking part of it may be how dry it is from running the furnace or the fact that she hasn't horked up a hairball in quite some time, maybe it's lodged in there. She sounds like she needs to clear her throat. Then one of her ears was bugging her enough that she scratched it up really bad. Then she had a couple "accidents" so we took her to the vet. Poor kitty had an ear infection and a bladder infection. He didn't know about the lost voice or cough, other than suggesting x-rays. So, lemme tell ya - giving a cat 2 kinds of medicine is loads of fun! The antibiotic was banana flavored, which maybe is more enjoyable for a dog but was not appreciated by our cat, who made every effort to spit it out. Then the ear medicine. I can't blame her. Eardrops are bad enough, but greasy eardrops that have to be refridgerated must feel absoulutely disgusting. We're finished with the meds now and lately she's seemed like her normal self, other than the lost voice. She's playful, still trots and gallops from room to room, has a normal appetite, etc. She's got quite a bit of energy for being probably around 12 years old. So, I don't want to be a bad parent, but I really don't want to take her back to the vet for a bunch of tests either!