Should I leave well enough alone?

Hmm, I wanted to try something different - yet I fear change. I'm not sure about this new template, but we'll try it out even if it's just for today. There are some blogs out there that tend to make my eyes wander or hurt and I don't want that. Please let me know what you think.

Yeah I did

You know what sucks? Stumbling around naked in the morning when you should be getting ready for work, trying to find a battery with some juice left in it.

But when you do find that battery, it's sooo worth it.

Gone baptizin'

So there's this peculiar church that I pass by and often wonder about. It's a huge, newer building, but it doesn't really have that churchy look about it and plus - it's conveniently mall-adjacent, folks! The kind of church that doesn't necessarily tell you their denomination and when asked, their cult church members' eyes just get shifty and they say "oh you know, just uhh... Christian."

I like keeping an eye on their sign-board, but really I can't help but read all the church signs that I come across. I reported back to The Beef yesterday that it said something about cravings and midnight like "Satisfy those midnight cravings for Jesus!" or maybe it was "Can't sleep? Got a midnight craving for Jesus? Now we're open til 4AM!" (Cut to a commercial of a guy getting up from tossing and turning in bed, mumbling to himself "Can't sleep. Must evangelize.") What's next? A drive-thru with "Hot, fresh Christ to go"? Maybe they share the same marketing people as Taco Bell. And as The Beef has said before "I just don't know how I feel about a church so big that it has it's own parking attendants."

I dunno. Just seems a bit hokey to me, but to each their own.

Less scurvy, more curvy

It's been avocado madness up in dis mofo for quite some time now. And while avocadoes give me this pesky little allergic reaction that makes the roof of my mouth itch, I just can't deny their goodness.

11 freakin avocadoes + 1 gato!

dewdrops on the Lady's Mantle


some sort of marketing ploy

Not always, just sometimes

I just don't know. About anything.
It feels like everything lately is moving at a normal pace while I am in slow motion, never able to quite catch up to everyone else. There are births, birthdays, marriages, etc. People's lives are changing and I'm standing still, watching from the sidelines. It's not a sad thing, I just don't get why I feel this way now when I used to like to participate, at least somewhat. Or maybe I just wasn't given the option not to when I was younger. Now I just feel kinda numb. I feel so disconnected from my brothers and extended family and I know it's mostly my own fault. You can't just tell people that you love them but seeing them once or twice a year is enough. Not that I did say that, it's just something I remember from one of the "you've gotta stop being such a selfish bitch" speeches I've received over the years. The thing is, it does hurt sometimes but for the most part it feels more normal this way, with this distance. I know it's messed up, I'm just sayin.

Half-assed gardening done right

Ooh, a cheerful new flower that I haven't positively identified! Wouldn't ya know - the flowers and plants that are doing the best around here are those that were already planted (not by me) and that I have left alone to do their thing. Flowers that I've carefully chosen, planted, watered and fed vital nutrients have pretty much croaked. Go figure.

News anchor sandwich

I don't know if you all caught it last night, but none other than heartthrob Anderson Cooper was on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart! If you don't already know how I feel about these two, let me just say I'd like to be a part of that sandwich, har har har! No, Anderson - you're a piece of the bread, I get to be the bologna! Alright, alright we'll take turns.

I like it when AndCoo (do you think anyone calls him that?) laughs. I noticed this on the Colbert Report too (because honestly, I have little interest in the "real" news shows.) He gets even more squinty than usual and it's just aww, so cute. Now I think I'll take back the leash thing and just tickle him with a feather to watch him giggle and squirm. And okay, maybe tweak his nipples a bit. I mean, he'd be naked of course. I bet he smells good too.

And then there's your Jon Stewart. I've loved that man ever since The Jon Stewart show was on Fox (damn, I think that was like 10 years ago). So much that I don't know what I'd say to him, much less do to him. He must be a very, very busy man with a lot on his mind. Too busy for a blowjob, you think? Alright, then. We can see where this one's going...

But one more comment about last night's interview. As you may well know, AndCoo recently did his big interview with Angelina Jolie. He politely avoided talking about how "hot" she is, though Jon was giving him the opportunity. Hmm, there are a few ways people could look at this. 1) They could take that to mean that the rumors are true, he must be gay and in the closet. Or 2) He's too much of a gentleman and too shy to talk like that. Or my favorite, #3) Maybe he's just not into her and her buttlips after having to stare at them for hours. Bam! Yeah, I said it. I'm sorry, peeps - I can see why other people like her but she just doesn't do it for me.

And, I'm out.

It's lunch and it's personal

Hey. Oh, go ahead and ask me what I'm eating, I know you want to. Yes, it's a fucking HotPocket. Why is that funny? Yeah, well I'm sorry I didn't have a more civilized lunch to bring. Nope, now you don't get to ask what flavor it is. And by all means, do not come over here and lean in to get a better look. No. Yeah, I know it actually smells good. You know what happened one time when I let this lady do the lean in? She actually poked it. Poked my hotpocket with her questionable fingernail. And so? I didn't get to enjoy my hotpocket that day. Tainted hotpocket! Fuck if I'm gonna let that happen again. Go away. Just don't even look at me while I'm trying to eat my goddamn lunch at my desk. Just don't.

Soft Bulletin

This album brings me back. To a time when we had much less. To bitterly cold mornings of brushing layers upon layers of snow off of our cars out in the apartment parking lot. How sometimes a clump of snow would manage to slip down between my jacket and glove, stinging and melting on my wrist. And how in winter the car exhaust would hang stagnantly in the air, the smell clinging to our coats and our hair for hours afterward. I think of how you looked, just coming in from the cold. Pink flushed cheeks, glasses getting foggy, a dusting of snow turning to water droplets on your back. The way our cold lips would warm up against each other in a quick moment before it was time for us to head out to work. I'd be all worried about the roads and you'd always manage to comfort and encourage me, the way you do - like it's just second nature.
You kept me going, even when I didn't want to. And you know, you still do. I love you so damn much.

Casual craving

You know I'm composed of many good girl/bad girl layers right? It's a toss up which side of me you'll see depending on the situation. I will be bad and then I will feel bad for being bad because part of me wants to be good. Part. But I don't like it when people just assume I'm bad or good or whatever. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.

I feel bad today. Not bad in the usual guilty, made-a-mistake kind of way. More in a rebellious, fiesty, don't-give-a-fuck, let's just do something crazy kind of way. What I want is a girl friend to be a good, bad influence on me right now. Someone who gets as cynical about the world but doesn't see it as drearily as I do. A somewhat girly-girl but not a prissy, high-maintenance girl. A girl that likes to take chances but isn't stupid in her risk-taking. Someone who needs me to be her more sensible counterpart. Okay, maybe just someone who needs me. Maybe. Because when you are a girl's special friend, it feels like some kind of honor like nothing else. To just be liked for who you are by another woman is a beautiful thing. It used to be me that was the "bad influence friend" but I don't think I play that role very well anymore. I want her to be the one that suggests we polish off this bottle of tequila together and I want her to be the one who doesn't care what they think and I want her to be the one who grabs my ass and suggests that we fool around with each other for a while. Yeah, I just said that. Now I feel bad.

Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough I almost forgot to include my "bad girl" thoughts yesterday about having Anderson Cooper naked and on a leash like a good boy. Crazy hormones.

20 points on why I should just go home today

(also posted at The List List)

1. I don't feel well (granted, I usually don't this time of day so that's not a huge stretch, but still...)
2. There are movies I need to watch and return to Netflix.
3. My cat needs me.
4. This place stifles my creative energy and makes me feel trapped in a cage.
5. The bed is at home, waiting for me.
6. It's been too long since I've pleasured myself. Seriously.
   
7. There are snacks at home.
8. There are piles upon piles of laundry to do (and really, laundry is better to do during the day, isn't it?)
9. There are bills to pay (oh, they don't get paid if I don't work? Shit.)
10. It's okay for me to be inebriated if I'm not here. Just sayin.
    
11. I forgot my lunch and no one can cover for me to go get one.
12. Alright... I just don't like the lunch that I brought, shutup.
13. Dude, I just need to be alone and think about stuff.
14. You wouldn't miss me.
15. Just look at these circles under my eyes!
16. I don't give you shit when you wanna go home (well, not to your face at least.)
17. I have no idea what's going on on daytime television these days.
18. Did I mention there are snacks at home? And beverages?
    
19. I need to clean the house and come on, I shouldn't have to do that "on my own time."
20. Look at this. Look at what this boredom has led me to!
    

Nice scarecrow, jackass

Filed under: flashbacks

The house I grew up in had a steep hill behind it which led to "the woods" which was mostly a dense, narrow band of pine trees stretching past several houses. Going up the hill would almost always guarantee that your shoes, socks and lower pantlegs would be covered by those annoying little sand burrs. If you've experienced them, you know how fun a task it is to pick them out of your clothes!
All I remember about the woods was that the boys would take the opportunity to pee on trees (just 'cause they could) and try unsuccesfully to get people to fall into this hole that they carefully covered with sticks and leaves like some sort of trap. And that one time my brother shot a crow and hung the corpse so it was swinging from one of the pine trees. It hung there for a long time, during a hot summer and of course decayed and was all gross and stuff. Not sure if that ever actually took care of a crow problem, or if there even was one. I know it really bothered me and my mom. I can't quite remember, but maybe my brother had gone to a redneck version of boyscouts or some shit.

Chirpin birdies

So, Old Lady Nervous bought a birdfeeder (and some fancy-shmancy birdfood, mind you) a couple weeks ago. This was partly an attempt to make a peace offering to the sweet little chickadees who would dee-dee-dee their heads off, guarding their house (shown here) whenever I was outside pulling weeds in their area. This was my way of saying "Hey, I'm cool with birds, it's all good. I'm not trying to eat your babies, so don't like freak out and eat them yourselves or anything." It also was to provide some entertainment (just by watching through the window) for the cat. And me.

For a little while, it seemed pretty quiet around there. I wondered if they weren't diggin on the seed. Then we started seeing a few wee little chickadees (and they're pretty wee anyway) hanging out at the feeder. I'm not positive that they're the same ones, but they're quite cute nonetheless. It took a little while, but now the word is out. It's a muhfuhkin bird partay over here! Peepidy-peep, y'all! There are SO many sparrows, and they've been eating the most. I'm thinking we'll eventually see them just waddle over to the feeder area with their round little bellies and call out "Ey! Can you just uh, whoo boy... (catching breath) just throw some seeds down for us? Bahhgahhk!"

I think I'm enjoying this bird-watching too much. I don't know what's cuter, the birds themselves or the way my cat flattens her ears and makes this very soft, sorta high pitched "cac-ca-ca" whenever they are near her window. Now we have attracted the chickadees, the sparrows, a mourning dove couple, a cardinal couple, some robins that just hang out to see what's going on but don't eat the seed, some chipmunks, a squirrel and Larry the grackle. Grackles have a bad reputation but he's interesting to watch. He mostly just looks for the peanuts in the seed mix and stares with his beady little eyes. I think he's just a misunderstood bachelor. He hasn't been jerky to the other birds, but they tend to all get pissed and leave when he arrives. Except for the male mourning dove. Mourning doves don't really give a shit and are cool. So it's a pretty happy little wildlife situation, especially combined with the occasional bunny. But I do like yelling out "Bird fight! Come one, come all. Grackle vs. Robin! Next round, the middle-weights: Mourning Dove vs. Cardinal! Make your bets. Who's it gonna be?" But um yeah. That's just me. I told you I'm weird.


Too much excitement for this little cat!

Psst! More pics of this cat and other terribly cute pets over at I Love Your Pets!

"I was saying boo-urns"

Man, people. I feel like a putz. This office could use one of those cliche posters that says "Hang in there, kitty" or something like that. Just because it would disturb the other people here and they'd have to debate whether or not to tell me it's too tacky. Instead there are just blank walls, which when combined with flourescent lighting can be quite depressing. Not that I'm complaining. This is the first job where I've ever had my own desk. So you know, it ain't all bad.

I'm just feeling kind of tired and lifeless. Sick of things. Stuffed up. I'm sorry I haven't had much to say to you all. I'm riding the ups and downs, sometimes it's a bit unpredictable so I'd rather keep my mouth shut. I don't carry myself like I used to, I don't like myself like I used to, and that's really what people notice I think. I know looks aren't everything, but it's more of the vibe you give off. You can be what one might not immediately consider "attractive" but it all depends on how you act and how you hold yourself, how people respond to you. I'm to the point where it's really more and more of a downer to look in the mirror. I was the same size for nearly 10 years, and now I'm a bit of a chub (to put it "lightly" - ha). If I told my mother how much I weighed and what pant sizes I'm trying on now, I'm sure she'd do her token mom-gasp and try to push her South Beach diet book on me. Not that she doesn't notice. Everyone notices, they're not even trying to pretend not to. Gughhh. My desired solution would be to just grow 2 or 3 inches taller - being short leaves me no room for this weight to properly distribute itself. But I know I need excercise, for several reasons in addition to weight loss. I'm too young to have crackling knees and ankles and to hobble when I get up in the morning. Yeah, not good.

Sorry I don't have much of anything too good to say. It's amazing though, how much better I feel and how much I turn into a different person when I can just get out of here and into the sunshine.

sweet peas vs. sweet feets

sweet peas ¹

sweet lil feets ²

¹ Both moms warned me about the sweet peas and continuously scolded "You've gotta pull these damn things out of your garden before they take over!" but I insisted we at least leave a few and let them bloom. They do have purty flowers at least. I guess they can get crazy-invasive and have these little viney strands that will grab and choke other plants, or maybe cross-breed with them if it suits their fancy (it had previously tried to get it on with the nearby bleeding-heart flowers). One of them grabbed a piece of my hair the other day, so we'll see what freaky hybrid comes of that.

² You mustn't touch!

Inside out

Emptiness. I feel it when I'm here alone and have time to think. Nagging, gnawing away at my insides. I know I shouldn't tell you all this. I will try to make friends and scare them away by my need to be liked. I want them to like us so badly, yet I'm unconcerned about how much I like them. I mean, I do - but it's easy for me to like people. I don't know if it's easy for me to be liked. People look at me different now. I can't tell if they're looking at all the flaws on the surface or if they can sense them inside. Do they like me? Did I smile enough? I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb, but in reality I'm probably highly forgettable. I'm afraid that if people do like me, it's only for the sole reason that I like them. That is their favorite quality about me, not that I have something to show for myself. But sometimes that is all I have to offer, how I can make other people feel.

There are these typical "normal" things that you are just supposed to do or have, and part of me resents that. Credit cards, a college degree, a purpose. A collection of shoes, an iPod, a personal trainer, a 401k. Riding your bike, rollerblading, going to concerts, going swimming, social gatherings - they all come naturally. Having a balance of time spent with your spouse, family and your wide range of friends. You go on vacations because that is what people just do, without worrying about how you could possibly afford it and how you would get there and if you'd be given time off and if you were, if it would be with pay. You don't worry about any of that. Everyone seems so... cut from the same cloth? And as for me? Cut from that leftover scrap of gauze over there.

I get this frantic feeling in my head that you'd only know if you've experienced it. I can only look at it logically when I'm not in the throes of it. I don't know whether to drink til I feel that poison in my veins, to smoke until it hurts to breathe, to cut, to cry, to throw dishes, to sit in a corner shaking, to lock myself in a room, to scream profanity, to run run run far away. I restrain myself. None of these ever seems like an option that could offer enough relief. Because you just can't turn it off. You just can't turn it off. And that is the advice you will get - because to everyone else it's so SIMPLE! Just turn it off! There you go, I fixed all your problems for you! Just don't be like... how you are! There, doesn't that feel better? It worked for us, so it must work for you! Aww, you're sad? Well, let me condescend to you and make you feel just a little bit smaller, piece by piece, take away a little more of that stubborn thinking of yours and then you will look up to me like some kind of savior who knows what's best for you.

I know that most likely by the end of the day I won't feel like this anymore. I didn't even know when I began that I'd say all of that. I wish I could say that was it and that I feel better now.

Personal reprieve

Yeah, so I know my interests may seem a bit blah lately. No, I didn't age 30 years overnight, though sometimes it feels that way. But hell, if the chicks my age can get all into their knitting projects, I can get into flowers and birds and other token grandmotherly activities, can't I? Come on now.

Sometimes the best thing I can do to keep myself from worrying and obsessing about the state of my life is to just distract myself with some little happy thing like this. It at least helps to work towards balancing out all the negativity I have. I don't know why it can be so hard for me to just feel happy without feeling guilty. Somewhere along the line I was given the idea that the only time you are worthy of happiness is if you have really truly suffered for it. Now, I can see where in some cases this is true but also how my mind has distorted it, making me constantly think things like I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be happy. It's an endless struggle, and somedays I'm better at fighting it than others. But hell if I'm gonna just give up.