Behold the ravishes of age!

Last night, I had passed out on the couch (combination of having a drinkey-drink, reading, and I was just sleepy damnit!) and woke up a bit startled for some reason. So I quickly stood up, not realizing that after being curled up on my side for so long one leg was not fully functional. I took a step and my leg gave out, I fell and twisted my ankle. What a way to wake up. Of course it's the same ankle that I've twisted before (though it was much worse the other time) and so it's all swollen and sore around my ankey-bone today. Hmm, I could incorporate this into a Halloween costume. All I need are a few wrinkles and to throw some powder in my hair - cause I've already got the old lady thing down with my limpin-and-a-grumblin.
Then I read an article this morning about depression being linked to bone loss. Hmm, and I had thought it was just linked to a loss in boning. Harf harf.
I didn't exactly have a black cat cross my path today. But I did see the cute Cat In Tha Hood (as in bad neighborhood where my office is) who happens to be black with lil white "socks" on a couple of his/her feets. I thought I saw something moving outside the window at work, and there was the cat getting all comfy on the hood of an SUV in the parking lot. So I guess now I can call it a Hood Cat for more than one reason. Aha ahh aha. Sorry, half-assed humor is all I can scrounge up at the moment.

* I think the title line is said on one of the Simpsons Halloween specials by an old lady when Bart & Lisa go on that extremely lame "haunted" ride. Just so ya know.

Happy Halloween

I usually just say I'm going as a disgruntled employee, but I like this one:



From one of my fave web-comics, Toothpaste For Dinner.

Have fun out there, you spooky kids!

Proceed With Caution

Reasons I cried this weekend:

• because I just love him so much (sentimental)
  
• incident with the cat's litter box (frustrated)
• realization of being a loser who doesn't go out enough (depressed)
• because of my period (the underlying reason for all of the above)

Oh yeah, you can see these are completely VALID reasons for freak-outs in my troubled, hormonal mind. He hung in there with me like a trooper, but still. I'm not proud of myself. Except for making oatmeal pumpkin cranberry cookies, those turned out pretty well. So, at least there's that.

Big Empty

I feel permanently damaged, a defective product that never got a recall. I feel like... a lot of overdramatic shitty things. I know it won't always feel like this but I am stuck in the now of it. I wish there weren't so many days that I was thinking to myself that I couldn't wait for some time alone so I could cry without having to explain why. It doesn't work like that. You can't just save it all up for a more appropriate time. I'm feeling like I need something but can't quite grasp it. I want closeness, yet I don't really want to be around anyone - even myself, really. Which I suppose works since I'm feeling like some kind of people-repellant. The image in my mind of how I must appear to others is devastating. So yeah, feeling depressed to say the least.

Shampoozled

As I am often known to do, I was sniffing around at Target for a new shampoo the other day. Something I've noticed in the shampoo market is that descriptions of what hair type each shampoo is intended for have become quite specific and, almost insulting at times. For example, what was once a shampoo for "normal to dry hair" has become "for dry, brittle, damaged, over-processed, color-treated hair." Is your hair moderately dry? Not good enough to qualify, folks. Because honestly people, you cannot be ready for the help these products will give you until your hair has reached rock bottom and is desperate for change. You better have hair with some serious lack of moisture ISSUES. We're talking parched, dehydrated, crunchy, chalky, burnt spaghetti-like, turns to dust in your hands, been through the desert on a horse with no name, dry-ass MF'in hair! The products will claim ways of forcibly keeping that moisture in your hair (Intensive therapy! Shampoo contains more than 50% real unsalted butter!) and bringing it back to LIFE! Hoorah!

So, the shampoo I ended up selecting was for adding volume to fine hair but actually it had to be all high and mighty about it by saying it was "for fine, dull, limp, lifeless hair". So basically - hair that is really just some sort of pathetic excuse for hair. Bland, miserable, lame, flaccid, sickly, cobwebby, nearly nonexistent, thin like a babies' but not in a good way, why even bother having hair - kind of hair. And I foolishly thought my hair just needed a little added bounce. Glad to know where I stand in the haircare world.

Planet Piss

One of the things that sucks about our new office location is that the bathroom is very... echoey and in close relation to well, everybody. So it pretty much sounds like the bathroom user is right there in the room with you. Dude, I don't want to hear people (like my boss) pissing but more importantly I don't want them to hear me. So every time I go to the bathroom here, I turn on the faucet (which I'll add, only has cold water - hot is not even an option *) which provides hopefully just enough noise so I don't think they can hear me tinkle. Also I'm really tired of taking the lid off of the tank, jiggling the crusty metal chain/shoelace device in order to get the flapper (which doesn't even look like it fits properly) to you know, go back down and not make the toilet run constantly. Hey, I'm no plumber (but have been known to show some plumber's crack) but I do seem to know when a toilet needs a jiggling. Yeah, that sounded bad.

* which probably doesn't matter since I can also hear that they're not washing their hands anyway

Geez, my bathroom issues seem to be a recurring theme here, look:
Everybody Poops
Bathroom of Irony
Smell Ya Later

Grown ups need snow days too

Even though I've lived in this northern state all my life, every year the snow comes as an unpleasant surprise. You'll find that here. People can always chat about the weather inevitably sucking. "Ohh, can you believe this snow? Oh I know, it's awful." Snow isn't so bad when you're a kid 'cause it's like, not your problem. Then you grow up and find yourself years later still listening to the radio in anxious anticipation of a snow day, but then the reality smacks you in the face that "Shit, I still have to go to work in this crap. No fucking fair!"

So yeah, feeling sort of negative lately. Okay really negative. Like you don't even want to know. Is it me or is the feeling mutual? Is this the reason for the decrease in blogging out there? I mean, I know I haven't been that great about updating myself, but it's felt like lately there's been just a big ol' fart rolling through the blogosphere causing people to close up shop. (Not that I don't appreciate all you peeps who are still around, though!) It's just not quite the jumpin jivin place it used to be. What gives? And how come all the people who have switched to the Beta version just get quiet and don't talk about it? What are they holding over you? Is the first rule of Blogger Beta that you don't talk about Blogger Beta? What kind of crap is that? Sure, maybe I'm just jealous. Maybe I just missed the boat. Maybe I don't even want to be included. Maybe I should just go back home where it's warm and quiet and curl up with my blankey and my Jenna Jameson book, drink coffee and not think about things. It's cold here and I really should've dried my hair this morning.

Use with caution

I have to use Q-tips cotton swabs after a shower because I hate that feeling of having water in my ears. But what I hate even more is when I get a faulty one that's more "Q" swab than "tip" cotton. And I don't realize this until I've already jammed it in my ear, which the package clearly warns not to do. Ouch.

Maybe I should splurge on the name-brand ones next time.

I'm like Nancy Drew but with smells

Wait a minute, I thought, holding them up to my face and inhaling deeply I think I smell penis on these. Back to the floor with you!
And so, the case of the dirty laundry posing as the clean laundry was solved.

Toot-toot-tooot

Outside, it sounds like some kid just learning to play the recorder has been ordered to take it outside. The same note over and over keeps echoing off of the houses down the street, making someone else's dog howl. Oh, wait. Did I just hear Three Blind Mice? Badass.

That whole being a hermit idea didn't work out so well

I'm making myself sad, thinking about all the people that I've lost touch with over the years. Not just friends but family members too. Wondering if it matters to them or just matters to me. If they think that I don't think it matters. Thinking about how most of it is my fault. How I've most likely done things to hurt or piss them off. Or just the length of time without contact has pissed them off. How I wish it would be easier to just fall back into a comfortable conversation mode. I am so worried about what I think that people are thinking that I'm too afraid to really find out. I'm a coward. Worried that I won't be forgiven. Gotta fight the urge to hide under a rock. I got a stern call from my mom re: "why haven't you told them yet?" I don't know. I just don't know where to start.

Stop this train I want to get off

The new John Mayer CD, Continuum is sort of surprisingly good. Didn't think I'd be the one to say that, but shit - I will not be confined to anti-pop music snobbery! When I first heard it - courtesy of the fiance - I thought this is the kind of smooth rockin CD that you could use as a sexual innuendo a la Old School. Like "Hey baby, I was thinking tonight maybe... we could pop in that John Mayer CD?" (Wink wink, Nudge nudge) As an added bonus, it's also work-friendly and in my case, an effective boss-repellent. Yes, it's only a matter of time before it gets overplayed like everything else, but I'm gonna enjoy it while I can. I will warn you though, that these songs will get stuck in your head til it's just about not cool anymore. Yeah well, I never said I was very good at music reviews.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before

I've been having weird dreams lately, as I am known to do. I probably don't need to tell you that I often have weird dreams when it's Oncoming Period Week. And I probably don't need to throw in that they are often sexually weird or weirdly sexual. But I will mention this line that still is going through my head from a dream the other night. I don't know what exactly brought this on, but I was telling someone very matter-of-factly:
"Even after all these years, Rob Lowe is still fuckable."
So, just keep that in mind. I mean, sure he's good looking in that Smooth Talking Asshole Who Knows He's Good Looking kind of way, but I don't know if he's even in my top 10 DILF list (coming soon, uh possibly.) Anyways, not real sure why he was stuck in my head. I haven't seen any of his work lately, and I never even got to see those sex tapes he was famous for! But I will tell you that one time on Saturday Night Live he did a very convincing impersonation of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He also was in the not so well known but pretty damn funny superhero movie The Specials and... well okay, maybe I do like Rob Lowe a bit and somehow triggered a subconscious reminder of that.
Okay, moving on. I probably do not need to tell you that I had another dream in which I ahem, uhh visited Lesbonia so to speak or that it was really fucking hot (so to speak). Probably shouldn't say that it involved another girl with pale creamy skin and a well-manicured front yard. I probably shouldn't even bring up the things we did to each other or who was watching while we did it. Because I really don't remember it all that well other than flashes of mental images, but damnit - it was hot in my dream so I guess I mentioned it anyway. Just forget I told you.