Send it off in a letter to yourself

It probably goes without saying, but I've felt a little blahhh lately. It's getting colder and darker outside. I feel the need to hibernate. And I'm craving corn. I don't know why - I just want some sweet, hot, buttery corn. Not popcorn though. At my last job, some people would microwave popcorn at every break and gab and bitch while chomping, often sending popcorn particles flying. Sometimes there were just too many dirty hands fighting their way into the popcorn bag. It just lost it's appeal. Plus, if you're not eating it, it kinda stinks sometimes. I don't know if it was the brand or what, but popcorn shouldn't smell like barf. Just my two cents.

Update: it's lunchtime and I didn't get my corn. Oh well. Decided on quick cheap Chinese food instead, as the boss and I both forgot or were too lazy to bring lunches. It's funny how every place will make the same dish a little differently. One of my good old standbys is cashew chicken. One place we go to will have it along with peppers, carrots and zucchini and will be in a brown sauce. Today's is with pea pods, mushrooms, water chestnuts (blech) and celery and is in that kind of flavorless snotty looking sauce. I was hoping it would have the baby corn in it, but oh well! Hmm, you know, as I sit here eating and typing.... it's really not that good. But maybe I'm more nauseated because the radio station is playing that medley from "Grease." Did I mention that for the most part, I cannot stand showtunes/musicals? Uggh. Must. Change. Channel. Oh no, "Old Time Rock n Roll" is on! What, are they trying to kill me? Alright, change it again. Steve Miller Band followed by Steely Dan. Yeah man... that'll work.

(Update: I did an image search for corn, and this was just so terribly cute, I had to put it up! There's more at baruchito.com)

Annoying dream

You know those dreams where you're running away from someone or something, but it's like you're trying to run through quicksand? It's really frustrating, no matter how fast it feels like you're trying to go, it seems you're always way too slow and the chaser is inevitably going to catch up.
This morning I had a variation of that type of dream, and I remembered that I had had this dream before. This one is about needing to call 911 while I'm in danger. Something bad will happen, someone's coming after me and I've only got a couple seconds to try to make that call. Sometimes as soon as I have that thought, I realize the phone has been disconnected or the wires have been cut. Sometimes I have my cell phone but either the battery is dead or it has no signal. Then there are times when I do reach a phone that is working, but something always goes wrong while I'm dialing. It's only 3 numbers - how hard can it be? But somehow my fingers will not cooperate! Rrgghh!
So, back to this morning's dream. I sat up in bed after hearing someone rattling the front door. It was just him and me inside, and it was the middle of the night. Then I heard a key clicking inside the lock and the door being pushed open. Even in my dream, my heart was racing. I woke him up and told him someone was in our house. We groggily and defenselessly went into the living room. There were about 6 redneck scuzzy-looking people walking around like they owned the place. I didn't know if they were violent, or just ignorant, or both. One guy with a cocky attitude and lack of teeth looked up and said "who the hell are you?" to us. At that point I started yelling at him "What? Who the fuck are YOU? What the fuck are YOU doing here?" Then this big lady stepped in. "Where's the people who used to live here? Where's so and so?" and J told them calmly that it was our house now and they'd have to leave. The lady then told us that they had been taking care of the previous owner's dog and it had died, so they brought it back here to be blessed before burying it. (???) Then I saw that the lady was holding the dead dog under her coat! She was getting beligerent, like we had made this an inconvenience for her. She and her people would not leave. Then they accused us of this not being our house and what had happened with the people who lived here before? I said I was going to find the number of the guy who sold us the house and sneaked off to find my cellphone and call 911. Of course, every time I tried, different numbers came up. 714, 817, damn it I need 911! But as I've said, in my dreams it hardly ever works. Finally I think I had dialed correctly, but when they answered, this guy just said "yeah". "Is this 911?" I asked frantically. "Yeah" he said in a smirking tone. "Sounds like you've had a bad day." Ugghhh. "I need an officer to come to my house" I whispered "we've had a break-in." After a long silence, the guy on the phone said "alright... yeah, I'll send someone over, but it's probably going to be about 20 minutes." I hung up. I was afraid that the people in our living room were going to attack us and I didn't know what to do. At least we were able to hide while they ransacked our house. The police did arrive shortly, although they were confused and not that helpful. The rest was kind of a blur. What an annoying, frustrating dream!

It snowed a bit...

May turn girlfriend into a sleepyhead

He got the call last night.
The call he didn't think he'd get until after Thanksgiving had come and gone.
The call so many had hoped for, but were too far down the line to receive.
The call that meant he'd be the envy of others who had waited hours upon hours only to come home empty-handed.
The call that reversed his disappointment and replaced it with giddy anticipation.
The call that meant countless hours of revolutionary entertainment.
I was sitting next to him when he got the call.
His eyes lit up and he said "I'll be there right away" and jumped up to grab his coat.
It was the call that said "Your pre-ordered Xbox 360 is here at our store."

I'm not even a gamer, but I'll admit it is pretty amazing. For some reason though, whenever I'm watching him play video games, especially ones with a lot of action, I tend to want to pass out. I don't mean that I want to pass out from excitement or fear - I mean that literally my eyes will start drooping, my head feels all groggy and I find it extremely difficult to stay awake. The next thing I know, I've got a stiff neck from passing out on the couch for a couple hours. I know there's a warning along with video games about epileptic seizures, but I've never heard of them just making someone pass out. Is this all in my mind? He has no idea how I can stay awake through some long drama/romance movie but yet will fall asleep amidst huge surround sound explosions and intense combat on the screen. It has happened at different times of day too, so it's not always just that I'm tired at the time he's playing video games. This happens with action movies too, I've passed out during "Batman Begins" and other movies with a lot of special effects. What up widdat? My little brain can't handle anything too fast-paced?

Well, we're having 5 people over for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Two of which haven't yet seen our new place. It should be a nice cozy gathering with lots of good food and company. I'm very thankful that he knows how to cook, and does it very well. I hope you all have a good time too and don't run into any bad traffic or family feuds. Take care.

Slowpoke

Okay, I'll admit it. I'm one of those people. One of those people that is LATE. Not extremely, like overslept or had a hangover late, but still technically late by a few minutes. Or one that just manages to make it on time, but rarely is early. I hate it. I didn't used to be this way, really. It adds to my bad persona of being irresponsible or a slacker. It's not that I don't care, but it still happens way more often than it should. Okay, so we had a quickie this morning, but I can't exactly tell that to the folks at work. I don't know what I can cut out of my morning routine. I've gotten my shower time cut back to about 7-8 minutes, which is good for me. I suppose I could start taking a shower at night instead of the morning, but that kinda sucks and then I don't feel as fresh. Then there's getting dressed. This is the area I could improve on. I'm way too indecisive and there are mornings that 3 different things are tried on before selecting one, which was usually the first thing I put on anyway. But still, no matter what I wear I always end up looking half-assed. See, it's not that I'm spending all the time putting together this perfect outfit, it's that I'm just trying to choose which one is the least repulsive. Then there's my hair and makeup, which really ends up looking like I didn't bother with it at all. But I do. And that takes me a few minutes just to look acceptable enough to leave the house. Then I check on the cat's food and water supply, grab some sort of breakfast bar, beverage and sometimes a frozen lunch item before walking out the door. Then I realize how late I'm going to be and try to drive a little faster than usual. But I don't drive defensively enough. I pick my lane and I stay with it. I go the speed limit in certain areas where I know they have speed traps. Even in "safe" areas, I only go about 10 over at the most. Lame. I've tried the old setting the clocks ahead trick, but I'm always aware of it so it doesn't make much difference. I don't know, maybe I should be even more lame and get myself to bed earlier. I can't believe the people that get up and actually DO stuff in the morning before work, like going to the gym or cooking an actual breakfast. How do you do it? Ohhh, you and your damn energy and willpower and strive to be early, do-gooders!

milk and cookies

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I hate it when I leave something up for way too long and it gets all dusty and stale. But my boobs would like to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions and concerns. No really, my boobs would like to thank you personally! (I know, it's Thursday so I should have a picture, but alas, I do not). So yeah, my breasts are doing fine and without getting into the "too much info" details, it's kinda related to being on the pill and my body tricking itself into thinking it's preggers. Weird, but yeah.

So... winter pretty much has been broughten. It's kind of pretty with the big fluffy kind of snowflakes, but the wind and ice are what really sucks. Every year, you have to get yourself back into winter driving mode. Resist urge to slam on brakes. Hit icy patch and say "woah, woah, hey now... easy now, easy. No spinning out please." There are always quite a few accidents after the first snow. Most people around here agree that half of the drivers are going way too slow and half of them are like "yee-ha, I gots me some 4 wheel drive, I'ma do 90 on the highway, not afraid of no snow." For the first time in my driving years, I have a garage to park in and I'm so thankful! Of course now there's also a driveway to shovel, but whatever it's a trade-off.

So... we've finally watched a few episodes of "My Name is Earl" to see what all the hubbub is about. It's pretty good, and I like Jamie Pressly. She's great at playing the bitchy kind of roles, cracks me up and I think she's dang ol' purty in a differnt kinda way. She's also in a couple silly movies that I like - "Joe Dirt" and "Not Another Teenage Movie". But anyways, yeah - you guys were right, it's a funny show. I like "The Office" too, so that works out well since it comes on right after. I've got a lot of TV to catch up on, so I think the only solution is to take a couple days off of work (coughs weakly). But don't tell anyone I told you.

So... to review: boobs - pretty good, winter - not so good, TV - good, but need more time to get reacquainted in order to give an accurate review.

I don't know how

Lately, I feel about as interesting as a piece of cardboard. I've been too tired to think very clearly. I'm kicking myself for the stuff I didn't get done this weekend, but at least we did keep busy. It will stay that way for awhile, and there will be less time for me to feel worried and useless. So now, the feelings come back to me while I'm at work and it's quiet. It really isn't fair to myself or the people around me, but mostly I keep it subdued.
For some reason, one of my boobs has been tingly, sorta itchy from the inside the last couple days. What's up with that? It looks normal enough, and if it was a skin irritation from detergent or lotion or something, why wouldn't it affect both boobs? Who knows. Maybe it's a very late growth spurt... heh, I could hope but probably not. So yeah... just don't mind me if I have to grab my breasts more than usual. Good thing I usually don't have people very closeby while I'm at work.
Sometimes I think I'm almost a hypochondriac, but then I think that really I'm not, I'm just a worrier. If I was, I suppose I would want to be called a hypochondriac because maybe there would be some sort of relief in saying what my affliction was. I don't really want to know what all is going on inside me. I'm chalking it up to anxiety.
I don't think this is going anywhere worthwhile. Cardboard, I tell ya.

Girlish babble

I'm eating a vacuum-packed turkey sandwich for lunch from the gas station. I sure as hell hope this was supposed to be sourdough bread! Guhh.

We finally watched "Sin City" last night. We've had it rented from Netflix for about 2 months now. Anyways, it was pretty good. Interesting. A few things were a little disturbing or were just kind of ridiculous, but they managed to break it up enough so that it wasn't too painful to watch. It was really well done. And I'm sorry to get all girly here, but.... Clive Owen? My hero! Mrrrowww. So intense. And fucking hot as usual. Mmmm... bend me in unthinkable ways with those strong, steady hands. Press your weight onto me, making me lose my breath. Cover my mouth with yours. I can take it like a good girl. Let me push the hair out of your eyes so I can look into them while you.... ohhh, fuck. This is not a good time to get worked up. Ahem. Sorry about that.

In other not so noteworthy news, I'm a dork. I mean, I already was, but am becoming even more so. Blah. I'm afraid that I'm "letting myself go" and it aint pretty. It's bad when you spend all this time in the morning getting ready, and then look at yourself and say "damn, well...I guess that's the best I can do." I need a haircut, my hair is getting long and the layers now look a little too shaggy. Need to have it recolored too, I'm not sure if I will go with the "Champagne Blonde" or "Brazilian Brown" that I've already got at home. I could use a makeover. I look so untogether. I never have hip footwear or put the right outfits together. I feel frumpy and outdated. Then again, I don't like taking advice on what to wear. I just need to put more effort into it. Yeah, it's vain and shallow but it would help my confidence.

Must be under a ham & cheese moon...

Virgo August 23 - September 22
"Your decision to purchase a pair of cargo pants was based entirely on the number of Hot Pockets they could hold."

I just checked my horoscope on The Onion and for once, it is so like me! Hot Pockets are usually my microwavable lunch of choice. People may scoff, but come on, that's some good eats!

Homos! Err, I mean homeowners

It was a long and busy weekend of moving and cleaning. I'm a little tired and bruised, but other than that I'm feeling good.
I feel rejuvenated. I was juvenated before, lost it... and then got juvenated again. Rejuvenated!*
So now I have the motivation, I just need more money. Yeah, I know - who doesn't? I don't expect us to have top of the line things**, at least not right away, but there's so much I want to buy for the home. I'm thinking now about stuff that I never cared about before: decorating, painting, yardwork, gardening, snow removal, etc. So many things to consider, but on a budget that can't be stretched too far.
On another note, I find myself a bit depressed when I see the holiday displays and hear the Christmas music in the stores lately. Something about a time that is supposed to be so happy seems awfully stressful. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. It's difficult when the family is spread out, and no matter what - someone always seems disappointed. Really what I would like is to stay at home. I really don't like to travel, especially when the weather is shitty. Plus it's the first Christmas in our new home! While I'd like to just skip the season altogether, some bartering, arguing and crying is probably inevitable. Maybe for once it won't be that way, but every year there seems to be a big argument between my mom and I, and the whole thing sucks. Even when it's "your decision" really the only "right" decision is to do what your family wants to do, or else you're a selfish little brat. Ughhh, why am I getting into all this now? What a downer.
Well, I look forward to checking in on your blogs and will write and comment when I can. It just might take a little longer til we're all settled, have the computer set up and all that stuff.


* modified quote from Pootie Tang

**but we did get a fancy shmancy new TV!

Nervous much?

For a blog being called "Nervous Thoughts", I'm not sure how much I've actually written about being nervous. But I'd rather not change the title to "Thoughts of General Malaise" or something like that, although... hmm, I think I'll keep that one on the back burner.

So, what happens to you when you get nervous? For me, it can be any combination of these symptoms:

• butterflies, or in more severe cases, badgers fighting in my stomach
• clenching or chattering teeth
• frequent need to use the bathroom
• inability to eat, or eating too quickly
  
• shaky hands
• sweaty palms
• throbbing feeling in my head, tingly feeling in arms (raised blood pressure)
• being extremely quiet, or speaking too quickly to be coherent
• getting jumpy and skittish
• running my hands through my hair, pulling on my hair

Another one is how I walk while nervous. I'm way too conscious of it, therefore I imagine it can look quite unnatural, like I'm teaching myself to walk with unfamiliar body parts. Like I've suddenly got plastic Barbie legs. I don't know what they have now, but back when I was playing with Barbies, I think they either had the hollow plastic legs or the rubbery bendable kind. It was supposed to be cool to be able to bend Barbie's knees, but you'd sometimes bend them too far or your brother would bend them backwards, which would cause her to pop her kneecap and rip the "skin" open. Poor Barbie. First that haircut and then a permanent disability on top of it. Plus, she couldn't afford the pink Barbie Corvette and got laughed at for her yellow Camaro knock-off. Yeah, she had a tough life...

Anyways, I'm growing more nervous as we get closer to the closing on our house (tomorrow). It doesn't take much for me to get nervous, but in this case I think it's natural - it's a pretty big thing after all! At least part of it is just being anxiously excited more than being scaredy-pants nervous. Woo hoo!

Joy of doodling

I came across this doodle from 1996. Never was too big on painting. Or sketching. But doodling, man - that was my thing. Sorta was theraputic for me in a way. It's sort of funny how my perspective has changed in some ways, yet in others it has stayed the same. My old journals from that time look pretty silly now, but some of it really isn't all that different. But it's kinda good to look back and see that at the time, when I thought life was so horrible and hopeless, it really wasn't all bad. Not all the time. And I got through it then, and I will now. It'll be okay. I guess even when my emotions only seem to be varying shades of gray, I'm never very far from either end of the spectrum: dark fades into light, and not too good inevitably turns into not too bad.

Sick of Myself

I've got a winning combination of emotions today - self-loathing, disgusted, bored and horny. Don't you love when that happens? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I just have to wait for it to pass and continue to be bland and predictable. I don't like it when I'm like this and I don't blame others for getting fed up with me. But I figured that at least here on this blog, I'm somewhere that I shouldn't have to pretend. Still, I wish I had something better to say! I think I'll just read your blogs instead.

Halloween Song of the Day

I can see why my oldest brother introduced me to Ministry by loaning me "12 Inch Singles" first. It's more synth-poppy and a bit easier on the ears than their later stuff, and has the angsty lyrics that I so enjoyed. Still a favorite from my small collection of industrial music.

Everyday is Halloween - Ministry

well I live with snakes and lizards
and other things that go bump in the night
cos to me everyday is Halloween
I have given up hiding and started to fight
I have started to fight

well any time, any place, anywhere that I go
all the people seem to stop and stare
they say 'why are you dressed like it's halloween?
you look so absurd, you look so obscene'

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

well I let their teeny minds think
that they're dealing with someone who is over the brink
and I dress this way just to keep them at bay
cos halloween is everyday
it's everyday

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
it's the same, it's the same in the whole wide world

o, why can't I live a life for me?
why should I take the abuse that's served?
why can't they see they're just like me
i'm not the one that's so absurd

why hide it?
why fight it?
hurt feelings
best to stop feeling hurt
from denials, reprisals
it's the same it's the same in the whole wide world

Bad radio

So, with the TV on the fizzle and most of our CDs packed, and due to sheer laziness, we've been listening to a lot of poop, err pop radio lately. I have my guilty pleasures, but damn, there's a lot of shit music out there.

- I could live without ever hearing that whiney-ass Frankie J again.
- Usher just pisses me off. Shut up.
- What's up with the new Black Eyed Peas song? I had to look up the lyrics and yes, she really is saying "lovely lady lumps" ummm, is that supposed to be the new catch phrase? Because all I can picture is your disease-ridden naughty parts.
- Neither of us can listen to "Gold Digger" by Kanye West without getting up and shaking our booties. In the privacy of our home, of course.
- Although she seems to be hangin with more homies lately, it appears that Mariah Carey has lost her soul. He corrected me by saying that she never really seemed to have one, and is more of an emotionless puppet.
- The "rock" songs they play are few and far between, and then it's just wussy bullshit like Nickelback and whatever the fuck all the other ones are called.
- I don't know why, but I like Ciara. She's freaky and I just find her funny for some reason. But I'd rather watch her videos to see her crazy dance moves.

I'm sure I'll add more to this list. What radio songs piss you off lately?

Flashback Friday

I wrote this last night. Sorry I don't yet have something more cheerful or um, good to share...
I've been going through my old notebooks again. It's interesting to come across things I don't remember and having all those feelings come back to me. Below is something I came across that I wrote about 10 years ago, and I'm guessing it was most likely written when I started taking Prozac. For some people, it can tend to have the side effect of making them more depressed and suicidal at first and I think that was the case with me. Then again, we have to consider that I was a teenager and thought I was "deep"....

I feel the fear that you call weakness. I live the popular lie of disillusionment, and even that gets old. But what I ask is, how can I believe in anything when my mind is only a clean blank slate for you to write your ideas on? Everywhere I turn, the beliefs turn into fear and I wonder why the hell am I here? In present tense, I just need something so I can sleep at night. Maybe we all do. And to believe in your non-beliefs would still be wrong to you if it was true, because they would be your words and not mine. The fear is always here, of a fate worse than death. So I turn to suicide so I can be in control, so I can get to me before you can. And it's not to say it's your fault, but your eyes are boring into my skull and now I'm thinking your thoughts because you have written them there. And what am I supposed to do? I just want to sleep at night and know that I'll wake up. And to get by in this world I have to believe in lies or else be persecuted from all sides.

more f****d up dreams

Let's recap the dreams I've had lately, shall we?

A few nights ago, I was dreaming about the new house. Everything worked out and we were settling in nicely. Then I went to take a shower, turned the water on and got in, and all of a sudden noticed that there was a section above the shower where the paint was peeled back and there was a hole in the wall. These nasty fucking earwigs (if you don't have them where you live, be grateful) started creeping out of there like I had awakened them. I got out of the shower to get some bug spray, but when I came back, they were literally hundreds of them pouring down the wall. It was fucking gross and disturbing. I woke up at that point.

I also had a dream recently about this girl I used to know. (No, this one isn't sexual, because in real life I really don't like her anymore). My boyfriend told me he had talked to her ex boyfriend recently and forgot to tell me that she had committed suicide. I was surprised because no one I've met boasts about themself as much as she does and because she's a mother of a young child. What could've happened to her life? Her ex boyfriend didn't seem too surprised by it though, like it was something that everyone expected. It was fucked up. I was trying to find an explanation, but no one would come out and tell me, and it was too late anyway. Really depressing.

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Just a warning, this next one gets a little graphic.... but we're all adults here, right?
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The other dream I had was quite a bit more pleasant, or at least interesting, although strange. I was at some sort of nightclub with a lot of gold-ish decor. There was loud music playing, people dancing, and everyone was having a good time. Dancers were on the stage, grinding slowly to the music. I was getting drunk and felt sexy and powerful. I looked down and I was wearing a sheer black floor-length robe, heels and thigh high stockings attached to a garter belt. I don't remember what else, if anything, I had on. I settled into a chaise lounge type of chair and adjusted my stockings, slowly running my hands up my legs and letting my long dark hair fall into my face. My boyfriend and his coworkers wandered over, drinks in hand and visibly buzzed. He sat down next to me and we started making out, getting touchy feely and not caring who was watching. Our breath quickened and things became more heated. Without hesitating, I unzipped his trousers and found him hard as a rock against my hand. People around us were wooping it up, and we were putting on a show for them. All my inhibitions were gone, so I pushed him back onto the lounge chair and kneeled over him, sucking his cock while on all fours with my ass raised in the air. My lips and tongue worked around his shaft and I tried taking him as deep as I could, showing off for the crowd. He wasn't embarrassed, and sort of laughed, saying "See? I told you she was good." I lifted my head up for a moment and noticed that his boss was standing right next to us and was pulling on his own stiffened cock. It didn't bother us, and I smiled mischieviously, raising up on my knees to his level. I pulled him towards me by his belt, his erection poking out of the fly of his pants. With one quick movement, I had his entire cock in my mouth while I was being spanked by my boyfriend. I began alternating between the two until I was dizzy. It wasn't degrading, it was more a sense of confidence with being the center of attention. As you can imagine, it made for a sticky situation. (heheh)

I said they were fucked up dreams!

Monday night

Just when I was starting to think that maybe I've spent a bit too much time on the computer, and maybe I should perhaps move on to other forms of entertainment... Just when I was thinking of all the good movies to watch at any time on the DVR... Just when I decided to get back into "We Love Katamari" and was almost getting better at it... Our precious TV crapped out on us! Yeah, we've been TV junkies for a while now, so it's a disappointment. Ah, well I suppose the timing is just right. I need to get back into the swing of things and should be spending my time packing and cleaning anyway. But still... that's another expense we weren't expecting. Poop!

Reminds me of a quote from The Simpsons "The Shinning" episode:
"No TV and no beer make Homer... something something"
"Go crazy?"
"Don't mind if I do!"

Moving right along...

Ughh. Sorry about leaving that last (bad) post up so long. I think all the stuff going on has made me overly sensitive and crabby lately. But it's been a good, productive weekend and things are moving right along. There are boxes and bags all over the place and hopefully we'll be out of this apartment in less than a month. I need some sleep, but will post again soon. Hope everyone's doing well out there!

27 going on... 7?

Sometimes it's hard to tell you what I'm thinking. My mind's all a mess anyway. But even if I could figure out what I am and what I want to express, I can't picture anyone really understanding. I can't picture myself finding my group of people, like the bee girl in the "No Rain" video. I've been sort of associated with different groups before, but never felt like I really belonged. I guess that's why you've got to decide who you are and just put yourself out there without giving a fuck. I don't know how to act. I like to be alone, but I like attention too. I'd like to be interesting and not annoying. I don't think there is anything intriguing about me. People just assume they know me, that meek little doormat girl who you know wants to be your friend. Even though you don't really like her, you'll give her the time of day once in a while just to make you feel better about yourself. I don't know - I like sarcasm, I like abstract things, I like deep thoughts and poetry, I like people who make me stop and think and wonder. But I also sometimes wish that people wouldn't play these fucking characters. Just to be elusive and not let anyone get close to you or see that you have feelings. Maybe because when I was younger, I pretended to other people that things were fine when they weren't. Even though they probably knew anyway. And I wanted to be honest, but I wasn't allowed to. It would piss me off greatly when my mom had just gotten into a huge screaming argument with me or my brothers, but as soon as the phone rang she was all fake-cheery and laughing it up with her friends. I know there are reasons people do that, and it's usually to protect themselves, but sometimes I have to just stop sweeping stuff under the rug and pretending it's not there. Then again - I don't know, perhaps I would be a better, stronger, more respectable person if I didn't go around admitting my weaknesses and feelings?