So Fresh, So Clean

Picking out shampoo, conditioner, bodywash, lotion, etc. has always been important to me. I like smells. Well, good smells. I hate getting stuck with some sickeningly sweet or medicinal smelling product cause then I'll still feel obligated to use it. Problem is, I'm not so good at making decisions. So I've been known to spend ridiculous amounts of time at Target smelling shampoos before making a careful selection. Conveniently, at our Target the video game section isn't far away, so J and I will part ways for a while. Eventually though, he'll come back to find me still standing where he left me, staring and smelling. "So... have you picked one yet?" he'll ask and then before he knows it, he gets pulled into helping make the final decision. "Smell this one, honey - what do you think?" He'll kind of put up his hands in front of him as he takes a step back from me. "I don't wanna smell it" he'll say, shaking his head. "Ohh, come on" I'll say, thrusting the bottle under his nose. "I don't know, I can't really smell it" he'll say, or really that's what he used to say but now he knows better. Because sometimes, I can't quite smell it either and I'll be the dumbass who squeezes the bottle too hard, trying to release the scent and ends up getting splooged in the face. Oh man, that's embarrassing. And there was a time when I shot some shampoo up his nose and before he could jerk his head away. "Ughhh, thanks a lot and no, this does not smell good! I'm gonna be smelling it all night!"
So now, he just humors me and says "Yeah sure, that one's good" or tells me he has lost his ability to smell as he slowly backs away from me, with the shopping cart wedged between us for protection.

On The Bound

I'm no stranger to spending large amounts of time in solitude. Lots of times, I even prefer it. However, it's not always necessarily a good idea for someone like me. Highly suggestable and easily influenced, I'm not a very good friend to myself. I need to feel the energy that radiates off of other people, opens my eyes back up to life. I'm alone too long and I get weird.
I made a secret wish that my phone wouldn't ring this weekend. I got it. Only now, instead of relief it just gives me an empty feeling that makes me feel even further away from the outside world.
I'm 27 and I have no idea where my life is going.
I feel so far behind.
I couldn't even tell you what I really want to happen.
Things can be awful and comfortable at the same time. It's amazing how long you can go about your everyday routine, just floating.
My job is really getting me down. I don't know if it's the job so much or the environment. If I take a step back and look at it, it's really not so bad. I should be so much more thankful for it than I am. It's even something that I could move slightly up the ladder with if I really wanted it bad enough. It's rare to find an opportunity like that for someone like me with no college education and not much in the way of prospects. But honestly, it's something that I find painfully boring, emotionless and unsatisfying if I look at it as a career. Maybe that just sounds like an excuse not to try. If it paid well and had benefits (which I'm sure it doesn't) I think I'd almost be happier working at the grocery store down the street. Yeah. Sunday nights often bring on these thoughts that suck.

I dont know what I'm doing, dont know
Should I change my mind? I cant decide,
There's too many variations to consider
No thing I do dont do no thing but bring me
More to do, It's true,
I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't

- from "On The Bound" - Fiona Apple

Stupidity Tries

So, I wrote this post earlier this week (in case you missed it) about my own fuck-uppance of my car. I took it to a recommended collision center and they were very nice, didn't grunt or make fun of me (well, at least not to my face). They will need 4 or 5 days to work on it though, so I haven't dropped it off just yet. As you can see below, it doesn't look that bad, well unless you get up really close. They were nice enough to wire up my bumper in the meantime so it won't be all jangly-dangly.

*picture removed*

Total cost to repair: $1,419
Yep, that's right - One thousand four hundred and nineteen junior bacon cheeseburgers, folks. But with my insurance, I'll just have to come up with 500 crispy chicken nuggets. I know that might seem like side salads or baked potatoes to some of you, but for me it'll be a stretch just to come up with that much. We'll get it figured out though.
Damn, I'm hungry...

Eternal Flame

So, I don't know if I've mentioned it recently or I've just been thinking about it. Thinking, thinking, thinking about it. It's been like over a month since I've had a cigarette. I can't believe it, folks. I know it's a good thing for me, but I can't say I don't feel like something's missing sometimes. Like when I get in my car, or after a meal, or when it would be breaktime at work, it's kind of like "Hmm, I used to do something... oh right, I can't. That sucks."
I didn't exactly understand what my boyfriend meant after he quit when he said he had dreams/fantasies about smoking. Well now I've experienced it. Like the other morning. You know, I had a bad morning. But even if I didn't, the feeling still pops up. This little voice says "heyyy, there's still a stale Marlboro Light in your car somewhere... come on, no one would know, it'd just be our little secret." Then I start imagining it, feeling it between my lips, lighting it up, craving that familiar burn... and I have to admit it feels so naughty that I get a little sexually excited just thinking that I could, but I don't. And I didn't. Yay.
I could possibly use some good distractions though. I've been eating too much and I hate it, I've never weighed this much. Not cool.
So yeah, in response to that email from a while back - sure, send those cock pictures my way...

(Giggle giggle.)

Telephone Line

Yesterday I had this phone/web training for one of the many online systems we'll be using at our office. I sound like such a slack-jawed yokel by saying this, but I get sort of this glazed over giddy excitement listening to people talk in different accents than my own. Well, unless it's someone that you really can't understand for shit over the phone, that just sucks. But anyways, this woman was from Texas and I automatically liked her about 10% more just for how she talked. You know what's cute? The subtle differences. I've noticed this from a couple Texans (not to lump you all together or anything) but when saying "umm" it's more like "ehm" whereas where I live it's more like "aahm." Or when saying email, she said it more like "e-mell" whereas here people sound more like "e-mayel." Oh, maybe you'd just have to hear it but it's cute! However, then I think if I put my voice on here or talked to one of you, it would sound horribly nasal and maybe even a touch Fargo-ish to you. Oh yaaah, dontcha know.
This reminds me of when I had a pen pal from Rhode Island, who I had never met but was thinking of calling. I like how ahead of time she described how her voice would sound and saying "How are you?" would be more like "Hawaiiya?" I think she may have called me Jessic-er too.
I also can't help but be fascinated by British and Australian accents. Without even meaning to though, I'll start picking up other people's accents as I'm talking to them and I hope they don't find it insulting. I can see how now when I talk to my brother, he sounds completely different having lived in Australia for like 4 years. It makes me smile, he sounds so... proper or something. Anyway.
I hope that didn't offend anyone or sound like a totally small-town, small-minded thing to say. I just think our little differences are cool.

Dude, WTF?

Um yeah. I have other issues to discuss, but it appears that my blog and some other blogs are looking all fucked up this morning if you look at them with Firefox. They're fine with Internet Explorer and that's the only way I could even log in to Blogger was with IE. If I try to log in to Blogger and I'm using Firefox it says "unexpected error, our engineers have been notified of this problem and are working to resolve it." Crazy shit, man. Crazy. My BF just said the blog looks fine on his computer... is it just me? I know, it's too early to get all in a technical tizzy.

Update 10:10AM - Okay now it mostly looks back to normal. Whew.

I Wanna Go Back

I shouldn't give myself a self-fulfilling prophecy like that, talking about how dumb I feel.
Because then this morning, I did something really really stupid and I feel really really awful about it. You ever wish you could just hit rewind and go back, even just 30 seconds?
The roads are slippery today. I thought I'd do something different. Instead of backing all the way down the driveway, I thought I could be slick and get the car turned around to avoid sliding backwards. Didn't quite go as planned! I fuckin got myself caught on the side of the garage. SHIT! Trying to get myself detached from it probably made it worse, and I could hear the pieces of plastic falling to the ground. Fuck fuck fuck. The hood is fine. The bumper is still on, just not attached on that side. The side light is hanging by it's cord, the grill popped right off and parts of it shattered. There's a nice line of paint along the front quarter panel and the wheel well plastic is hanging down. DAMNIT!
I managed to get inside the house before the hysterical sobs began, as I have a feeling the neighbors probably saw the whole thing and were wowed by my idiocy. ("C'mere honey, look - the neighbor girl can't get out of her driveway again!") I called my boyfriend and told him what happened and he came to my rescue. He's a good, good man for putting up with my hysterics and got me calmed down, shoved the light back in and didn't make me feel stupid. But I do feel stupid. I fucking hate driving anyway. I just suck in reverse, I'm too short to see very well behind me and haven't gotten the hang of backing out of the garage very well since we moved. I feel like such a fucking idiot. Don't laugh. This really sucks. But...
At least I still have full coverage on the car. BUT I still have a $500 deductible and you know, I don't have $500! Plus, if the total repair cost is over $1,000 my insurance will most likely go up. From what I know about body work nothing is under $1,000. Fuckin shit. But...
At least no one got hurt. I was able to drive to work. The roads still suck so this was not a good experience given that I already got myself all shook up. I almost slid into the curb on the same side that hit the garage, and then I almost got rear ended by someone who was following too close. Stopping and turning just doesn't work when it's slippery like this. But yeah, I know it could've been worse. I sure hope the roads clear up by the time I leave work.
I wish I could just go back and start this day over.

Dumb

Okay, so I like to read and I like to listen. I've got a sometimes surprisingly good long term memory, believe it or not. However, my short-term memory sucks. But still, we've almost got the basics down here for a learning experience, right? Well, it's embarrassing because apparently not. I used to be so good at picking things up quickly, understanding, I used to even be part of the smarter kids in school... well, up until about 10th grade. It was a harder transition then because I had come off like I had potential up until that point. So I was even more of a disappointment when I just stopped caring - about school, about myself, my future, etc. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm unable to understand things like I used to, I'm unable to learn like I used to. Like now at work, my job isn't even that hard but I find it terribly difficult to find the will to concentrate. And I'm embarrassed when I'm in a situation where people give me that look, you know, the frustrated god-you're-a-dumbass look when really I want to scream "I wasn't always like this! I used to be like you!" And I'm embarrassed that it's mostly because of all the drugs and not giving a fuck that I'm just not the same, and maybe I never will be.

Ask

I'm thinking about trying sort of a theme this week. I will attempt to post things that are a little more personal and might say a little more about me, even if they aren't quite Post Secret worthy. I mean, the things that I write are part of me, but a lot of times are pretty vague. I love reading other people's stories and intimate details of their lives, but even with my less than exciting one, I hesitate. There are some stories I think of telling and I stop myself. I'm too worried about what you think. Or I'm too worried about what I think. I don't know. We'll see how this plays out. If there's anything (within reason) that you'd like to know about nervousgirl, just ask or send me an email...

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask me, I wont say no, how could I?

- from "Ask" by The Smiths

River of Deceit

There are days that I let it consume me. Like the recurring dream of being chased, but you know that if you try to run your legs won't cooperate. So rather than trying to get away you just lay down and play dead, wait for it to pass.

There are days that I sweep it under the rug. I'll make up my face like any other day and even smile like I imagine a normal person would. There are times like these that if someone asks me sincerely how I really am, I'll burst into tears.

There are days that I fight it. There are days that I don't have to. Sometimes I'll wake up and see things in a different light, and I can't understand why I felt so bad the day before.

Stick 'Em Up *

So, it was a pretty good weekend but as always it went by really fast. We rented "The Warriors" game for the PS2 and it's pretty cool, looks like they did a good job and we'll have to see the movie to compare. Apparently, it's a 70's "cult classic" that I had never heard of before. All I know is, you get to brawl in the streets saying stuff like "Come on, sucka!" and "Can yooou dig iiiit?" so that's pretty sweet. Although I don't have much patience when it comes to video games, so this ends up as me watching and cheering on the boyfriend more often than my actually playing it. That's okay though. We also watched "Million Dollar Baby" yesterday, and as everyone had said it was really good. As you can imagine between the two, I think I had a lot of violent dreams last night. I'm always so behind on movies, as I don't much like going to the theater and would rather get our money's worth with having all the movie channels and a DVR box from our cable company. So sometimes I ignore all the hype for a while until it's out of the theaters. Anyways, I didn't really know much of what all the fuss over "Million Dollar Baby" was other than it was about boxing. So I asked J "So, she's pregnant while she's boxing?" he was like "whaat?" and I said "you know, pregnant with the million dollar baby?!" Well, I was way off, as usual. Heh heh.
Anyways, we did some shopping and I bought a couple pairs of cheap shoes which while cute are proving to be somewhat uncomfortable**, wasted money on some bunk-ass... stuff (wink-wink) that was pretty stale, ate good foods, had some company, you know - business as usual. All in all, it was a pretty good time. And all in all, it sucks being back to work today, and time has slowed down to a crawl. If you're one of those lucky enough to have the day off today, enjoy!

*the song by Quarashi, in case you wondered

**I'm not much of one to do the "wear it once and take it back to the store" kind of thing, but now these shoes are seriously hurting, and since I've just been on carpet all day and have been careful, I'm considering exchanging them...

Say Something (follow-up)

Thanks again to everyone who de-lurked and left a comment on the last post, or anytime for that matter. I'd like to say this blog is just for myself like a diary, but I admit it - I like to know there are people out there who read it! A lot of times it makes me feel a bit less lonely. I think we all like to get some kind of feedback on our blogs, although I can't really say much for myself sometimes, as I often get shy about leaving comments or giving advice, even when I enjoy what I'm reading. I try to break out of being such a silent observer, and I appreciate it when others do that too. Alright, I'm babbling. Anyways, thanks for indulging me...

Say Something

As I learned from Girlfiend, it's National De-Lurking week, or it was and it's dangerously close to being over! Won't you come out of the shadows and leave a comment? Please, don't be shy... take this opportunity to say hi, ask me questions, tell me about yourself, put a little somethin-somethin in my inbox, eh? It's always appreciated. Pretty please?

Say something, say something, anything
I’ve shown you everything
Give me a sign
Say something, say something, anything
Your silence is deafening
Pay me in kind

- from "Say Something" by James

In The Waiting Line

I thought I had a lot of material for posts, but it's all stopped up in my head. So prepare for another disjointed post! If I just had some time to devote to writing without interruption... well, then again I'd need motivation too. I'll have to get to that another time.

Anyways, the news is that our little cat is sick and is on some heavy-duty antibiotics. If you haven't tried it, it's just loads of fun trying to give a cat it's medicine. Poor girl. They've discovered a few more health problems than what we originally brought her in to the vet for. She is getting up there in years, but if you saw how she gallops about and attacks her catnip mouse, you'd think she was still a kitten. I really hope she's gonna be okay. We're gonna try to keep her as happy and comfortable as possible and will hopefully have her around for a while longer. I'd say more, but it's kinda tough for me to write about.

I watched "Must Love Dogs" the other night, it was okay. Diane Lane looked pretty milfy (can we just use that as an adjective these days?) but seemed to lack much in the way of natural-looking facial expressions. I don't know how to describe it. She's still cool and everything though and so was John Cusack, who was his usual sarcastic witty character. Nothing really stood out in this movie as all that funny or all that touching, but it was decent.

I'm wearing one of my dorkier outifts and I can't wait to go home and change. I also can't wait to go home because this day is dragging and at home I have some peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies that I made the other night - mmm, cookies.

I Do Not Want This

Feeling a bit more energetic today, although I'm also a bit edgy. I don't necessarily like feeling like this. It's like I've got my anger back after it's been subdued for a long time. I'd gone for so long without expressing it that now it just comes out all wrong. I hate it when I'm furiously silent and pouty, when I'm mad I can't look you in the eyes. I find it hard to just let off some steam and not explode. I want to scream and throw things but I don't, I hate it when people do that. Once in a great while, I'll slam a door - I hate it when people do that too, but sometimes I see how that can feel good. I also hate it when people around me know I'm mad and think it's funny that the meek little doormat can have an angry side. I guess I just feel highly sensitive to everything today. Remember that Seinfeld when George tries to get people to leave him alone at work by looking really "busy", which he does by just looking pissed off? But I suppose saying "What the fuck could you possibly want now?" whenever someone comes in or calls would be taking it a little far.

But it'll be okay. At least until I run out of pretzels to snack on.

Possum Kingdom

I'm only half "here" today. Not much different than any other day. Just a shell of a human being, sitting at this desk. Yeah, I exaggerate. I didn't get enough sleep.

Our kitty's sick again and will be going back to the vet. Not cool. We'll see what they say. It's sad when you have an older pet and have to think about these things, and people in general just think putting it to sleep is always the answer if the pet is older than 10. If my boss makes another joke pertaining to cruelty to animals, especially now... it may result in a whip-kick to the temple. Or some Real Ultimate Power type stuff, I don't know. As cool as he can be, I just don't understand people who have no feelings for any pets or animals in general. Or they only have feelings of contempt and annoyance.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible that gnats or some other kind of teeny tiny fly have been breeding inside this monitor. It's too cold out for many bugs at all to be around, but these little bastards are constantly hovering around the screen, occasionally attempting to fly directly into my eyes. I never see them hanging out anywhere else. This has been going on... well, probably since I've worked here, which has been over a year now. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone until now, as I'm sure I'll be targeted as at fault somehow, and no one wants to be the nasty girl with flies swarming around her. Just so you know though, I do shower and often wear some kind of scented lotion. So yeah, I've got that going for me...

By the way, Tropical Citrus is the worst flavor of Propel I've had so far. It's kinda like Tang (did you drink that back in the day?) but without the sweetness. Blech. Yeah, I know a lot of people think all of the Propel flavors are bad, but I don't really like the taste of plain water in general, plus this makes me feel just a little bit "healthy" since the rest of the time I'm known to drink diet cola.

I've decided to continue with using song titles for my posts. It may have some relevance to the post, or I may have heard it on the radio, or it may just be something from my mental jukebox that I hope you will pick up on. Unoriginal, I know, but I will do it until it no longer amuses me or when I actually think of proper titles. Did you even need to know that?

This post is a whole lotta nothing.

Joy in Repetition

What is this... tingling sensation I feel? Is this what you humans call... arousal? My tender parts are flushed. Can't... keep... legs together. Must commence to grinding. What is this... pleasure you speak of? Pleasure... without procreation? I must learn more of your ways. It's like my heartbeat... is in my pants. Give me something to sit on. Pardon me, I appear to be magnetically drawn to your lap. Let me just hug your face with my chest. What is this... heat I feel emanating from my loins? Did I sit in a puddle? What an interesting sensation. These panties make me so ticklish. Ooh, if I cross my legs real tight... that's nice.

Have you ever been late to work because you had a not-so-quick morning quickie? Or you decided it might help to get yourself off before work and it took a little longer than expected? Or umm, both? How do you explain that?

It can't rain all the time

I'm not normally much of a "gamer", but I wish I could just go home and play more Dead or Alive 4. That would be sweet. Even though the game pisses me off from time to time, at least I'm getting better at it. The lure of unlocking new costumes keeps me coming back. I appreciate things like that, I suppose it appeals to my wanting to play dress up like a little girl. Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball was awesome for that. The whole game was just winning money at tournaments to save up money to unlock sexier bathing suits for the ladies. Unfortunately, the gameplay itself was kinda lame. But anyways...

The other distraction I've been enjoying lately is playing mahjong on the computer. Yeah, that's what it's come to. What a dork. I can spend hours playing this addictive little game with nothing to show for it but sore and dried up eyes, but alas, it keeps me busy.

I think you all can tell I've hit another low with the blog. I've just been having trouble expressing myself and the words don't come out how I want them to. Plus, I'm one of the most boring people around and bitter on top of that. It's nothing new around here, but I've just been in pretty rotten moods lately, and trying to hold back on some of my bitching. This blog just doesn't give me the same joy it used to, but I'm not yet ready to give it up.
Speaking of blogs, my sister-in-law has one now. It's cool, it's more of one of those keeping up with family from far away kind of blogs. She's quite a funny writer too, and oh, how I want to say something! Now even my parents are hip to the blogging scene! I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before someone says "hey, you used to write, this might be a good outlet for you." But I can't really say anything about Nervous Thoughts. Do I make up another blog, only "family-friendly" this time? There are certainly things in this one that would worry and disturb my family. But then again, I think if I wrote one with the intention of family seeing it, it would be really fake. I don't know, in my own way I'm kinda proud of this little blog here, but conflicted about sharing it. There are probably already too many who know and it makes me worry about what they think. It's silly.

Back to bidniss and crabby as a mofo

This is why I never liked depriving myself of things. It leads to this quiet, seething anger turned inward. On my quest to be a better person, instead of feeling cheerful and positive, inside I feel a mix of furious and sad. Why did I have to set myself up with this stupid reward system anyway? Yes, I suppose I am always in need of a crutch or a pat on the back. Now, quitting smoking seems like a lonely (and cruel) world. It feels like ex-smokers and non-smokers and current smokers are all equally non-sympathetic. Then again, I just haven't found much reassurance in anything anyone has had to say. Before I felt like smoking was a lonely world. It seemed like it was getting gradually less and less acceptable. Restaurants, the few that still allow smoking, give the smokers the shitty section. Non-smokers glared at me when I was standing outside, making me hang my head in shame. People would sometimes recoil and start fanning their hands furiously if the smoke blew their way. (I will not let myself become one of those people.) My boyfriend quit over the summer so I know it's been bugging him that I've still been smoking, even though he's been quiet about it for the most part. The smell on my clothes and hair had been bugging me. But still...
I feel angry, at myself mostly. But actually, you know - I do feel angry just in general. Because I'm not one of those people who feels great about denying themself of something. I can and I have, and I don't like it. But there's this idea that that's the only way we're "good" people. And if I wasn't so "bad" it wouldn't be so hard. I know it's hard for everyone, but I think perhaps it's harder for me because I have a shitty attitude, ya know? Ha, yeah. Well, it's just the 10th day, so we'll see how that goes. I'd like to make up for the lack of rewarding myself by eating more, but I just can't. I already felt like crap about myself, and now that the stomach flu gave me a headstart on losing weight, I feel like I can't screw it up this time. So here I am. I feel like I need a new fix. Fuck willpower. Fuck being back to work. Fuckin Fuck Fuck Shit!