Annual Holiday Whine

This is about the point in the holiday spectrum where I feel like curling up in a ball and crying, hiding under the covers until it's all passed.

Well, you know - more than I normally do.

It's stupid. I just blow things out of proportion, and probably set myself up to feel like a shmuck. I used to feel like I was pretty good at gift-giving. Now I feel like everything I give is just an example of how lazy, thoughtless, and lame I am. It doesn't help that I'm about out of money at this point, but even if I wasn't I'm not sure I'd have any more of an idea of brilliant, thoughtful gifts to buy that would make me feel proud to give people. I know the money spent isn't what's most important, but still. Ugh.

Over the last 3 nights, I made up a bunch of cookies from recipes I hadn't tried before. While a little part of me wants to be proud of that, the gloomy-grumbly side of me is just thinking of how they should've been so much better considering the time spent on them, and how I always seem to fuck up at least the first dozen, even when it's a simple recipe. And giving these to my boss is probably just as half-assed as my overall job performance. So there's that.

But, as I'm known to do, I'm thinking of myself too much. I'm my own worst critic, I just tend to think that that's what everyone else thinks of me, if that makes sense. Every little thing I do - good or bad - is probably not critiqued as severely as I think it is. (Er, hopefully.)

And just to pile on the ol' grief, there's the nagging "bad family juju" thoughts in the back of my mind. Last year, between Thanksgiving and Christmas my brother managed to get himself arrested, get out on bond, and then get sent back to the slammer after committing the same damn offense while awaiting his sentencing on the original offense. My parents did what they could to help with legal aid, counseling and support, among other things. But it pretty much threw everyone for a loop and put quite a damper on Christmas. But life went on and he served his time and all that. Then just a couple weeks ago, my mom called to tell me "Your brother's not doing well - he's back in jail again. Same thing as last time." Well, Merry fucking Christmas again. I don't know how to feel. Guilty for feeling angry and somewhat disgusted by his behavior, but then also being honestly angry and disgusted by his behavior. Worried that he might really have lost his mind and that his actions are in some way out of his control. Guilty for not doing more to contact him and help in some way. Sad. Feeling really sorry for my parents, who I imagine are thinking "how did our kids end up being such shits?" (Except they wouldn't say "shits" and might not include my oldest brother in their disappointment - he's doing pretty well, but he is all the way in Australia.) Bah!

We've got company coming to stay with us next week. While they are probably my favorite people to have come visit (J's brother and his wife) - I just feel the pressure. That our accommodations aren't good enough, that I'm too depressed/depressing to be a good hostess. That there aren't enough places to sit or sleep comfortably. That I'm selfish and want to enjoy some alone time in the little time I have off. But again, it's not all about me.

Don't mind me, just venting! I know there's plenty to enjoy and be grateful for this holiday season. Sorry to be such a downer there, folks.

Caught!

"Go 'way, I'm on tha puter..." [takes a gazillion screenshots]

"Hey! Uhm, nuthins to see here!" [looks for cat porns]

Non-sequitur dream time!

The other night I had a dream that we went to a new church with our neighbors. And even though both of us are usually skeptical of the kinds of churches that try to be too "cool" and "hip" and "casual", we actually liked this place. We even participated in their churchly icebreaker activities, which led to playing this odd game of charades. So, it was my turn and I was supposed to be a frog - but for some reason, I could only use my facial expressions to demonstrate this. So I'm trying to mime catching a fly with my tongue, and it's not going well. Everyone's quietly watching dumbfounded for a while, and then one eager participant offers "Oh, I know! Are you... SATAN?!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Whew, now don't get me started on Christmas...

T-day went over pretty well. The folks all got along, the food was great, and there were only a few minor complications. My dad was introduced to J's parents, and they seemed to do fine chatting with each other and my mom. (No religious debates! Limited hinting for grandkids (Um, look at the cute grandcat instead)! Only a few morbid discussions! Woo hoo!) I guess the only thing I wish I would've done better was be a better hostess. I mean, I wasn't rude (er, I hope not) or anything, and I did become more social and pleasant after having a drink (or two), but still. I just don't like that a) I get frazzled so easily and b)I don't hide it very well, which does not make me fun to be around. Really, there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get all stressed out - I was just assisting J in the kitchen for the most part - being the kickass cook he is, he did almost all of the food, including the huge delicious turkey. Plus, we only had 4 guests, all of whom are close family members - then again, it was all of our parents - together! So, I guess I really have no reasonable explanation for feeling that frazzled, other than wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I do notice that when it's close quarters and there are people all talking at once that I do tend to get overloaded and just want to get away from everyone. Not just in this situation, but in general. I'm not sure if I was always this way (highly sensitive) to an extent or if this is a more recent development. It could be that I'm just not as used to it due to spending a lot of time alone or just with J these days. Ack! Human interaction! I loved seeing them all, but can't say I wasn't relieved when everyone went home that night.

Anyway, it was great having the long weekend to relax. I slept in and then made coffee every morning (which I never have time to do during the weekdays), read, and enjoyed lots of yummy leftovers (we still have more, even after sending lots home with the parents). So, altogether I really can't complain. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves too!

Tig Ol' Burkey

Ok, so I'm not freaking out about Thanksgiving. But I'm also not not freaking out, maaan! Because as you know that is what I do. Nah, it should be fine. It will just be J and I, his parents, my mom, my dad, the cat, and one huge-ass 30lb turkey. As you see, my mom and dad are listed as separate items but they get along fine for the most part, so no big worries there. I just need to keep the folks all chatting or otherwise entertained and not hovering in the kitchen. Think we can get them all to play Wii bowling or some sort of board game? Will we have to rely on the cat to provide the entertainment? Will the dads insist on watching football? Will the moms corner me with wedding questions/suggestions that I can't back out of? Will I be scolded for playing my music, even when it's been carefully selected for the present company? (I know, it's our damn house - but it's happened before.) Will J and I get obnoxiously shnockered in front the 3 out of 4 non-drinking parents? Will I be able to contribute an edible side dish and/or dessert? Will I get my ass in gear and clean the place up adequately enough before Thursday? I don't know, I don't know! Well, we'll just have to see.

So if I don't talk to you beforehand, I hope you all have a warm, happy Thanksgiving (and/or Spanksgiving, if that's what you're into.)

Salud!

These are the days of soup and corduroys (the corduroys I spilled soup on)

I made some pumpkin butterscotch cookies last night - and hey, they're pretty good! It seemed like an odd combo at first, but the butterscotch sweetens up and blends with the pumpkin quite nicely. I'm determined to try to do more domestic-type thingies lately, to give myself some small sense of accomplishment. Our house could definitely use some extra attention. It's not so much that I don't like things to be clean and orderly, it's more that I have the bad habit of putting things off over and over again. (My reasoning for being a slob, I suppose.) The piles of laundry, dishes, etc. just get so out of hand so quickly - even with just the two of us - it's embarrassing. If I just break things down into small tasks that I want to accomplish each day, maybe it won't seem so overwhelming. (Not that cookies are really a task on the list that NEEDS to be accomplished... wait, yes. Yes, they were totally necessary.)

Thankfully, it hasn't really snowed here yet. Just a mix of snow with rain. Pretty damn cold though. Ugh. I really do like the fall - it's just that in Michigan we sometimes don't get much of one before we get blasted with winter. Bleh.

I'm dragging my feet about the upcoming holidays, and I know that's a sucky way to be. Things are just different now. It feels like instead of appreciating the time we have together, it's a time to reflect on how disjointed our family has become, and think about what we could've been but are not. I was talking to my mom the other night and she said "I just never thought it would be like this... your brother in Australia, your other brother, well... (big sigh), and...." she just drifted off from there. I felt like what she could've said and didn't was that even though I'm here, it's like I'm not really here. For so long, it felt like I was the second in command - behind my mother - of bringing the family together. My brothers, even if they were around, were always distant and/or complicated to reach. But I was there, doing what my mom wanted (albeit begrudgingly some of the time). It's sort of sad that I don't have the inclination to do this anymore - whether it's my selfishness or complacency or both. Now I've sort of drifted away from the family too, when maybe it's the time that I really need to step in and do my part more than ever before. I don't know. Things seem, for the most part, so much lighter and warmer with J's family - but I know it's not fair to repeatedly elect to spend holidays with them and slight my own family. So, I think we're going to invite people from both sides to our house for Thanksgiving (not that we haven't invited them before) and just hope for the best. We'll see. I know everybody goes through the holiday/family stress and they have situations way more complicated than mine - I guess I just wish I was in a better mental/emotional state to deal with it.

We don't talk like we used to

I don't feel like I've had much of anything good to say for quite some time. So, I haven't. Just being quiet, you know. And the longer you're quiet, the more you get used to it. Not that it's necessarily a good thing. It's not just that I'm not writing here or in any kind of journal - I'm finding it difficult to just write emails, even no-pressure, friendly emails like I used to. I hardly ever answer the phone when calls come in (except for at work, since I have to) and even feel at a loss for words with the people I'm closest to. I'm just foggy and distant, and not in the way the cool kids are. Some of this might have to do with halving the antidepressants, but I feel like if I say that, people think I'm just making an excuse for being a shithead. I wasn't always like this, really!

I have, however, been reading a lot - which, even though is a leisure activity, it's one I don't feel too bad about. Even if it is Harry Potter, because *shut-up* they are totally addictive. Just finished book 6 (thanks for making me cry, J-Ro) and feel the impending doom of the series being over after the next one. I've also been checking out a lot of new (to me, at least) indie/alternative/folky music through eMusic, which almost always perks me up a bit. Yay for buttloads of freshly burned mixed CDs! (What, you thought I'd be all "with the times" and have an iPod by now? Oh hells no!)

Anyway, I don't know if there was a point to all this, but if there was it was that I'm gonna try to talk/write more and see if that helps to get it out, so be forewarned or whatever...

Getting back to the books

I've finally gotten around to reading some books that were recommended to me ages ago. I don't always do so well with recommends, it's selfish but I usually like to be the one to "discover" the book. I don't know. Nerdish thrills, I guess. Anyway, the boss had loaned me Coyote Blue by Christopher Moore something embarrassing like a year ago, but once I finally gave it a chance it moved quickly and was really quite entertaining. Then I moved on to a loaner from my mom that had been collecting dust - The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I have to say I was a bit hesitant to get into this, as it is a "mom book" - no offense to my mom's taste in books, but sometimes I avoid them like I would certain drama movies because I just won't feel in the mood for something that's a painful-yet-touching story about overcoming adversity, recommended by so and so's book club, etc. That said, it was a pretty good book and even a bit heartwarming, so that should teach me to judge. And now, I'm finally reading the first Harry Potter book, as J has suggested several times. Yep, folks - had to break down and do it. Now, my excuse for dragging my feet about starting the HP books is that I just didn't think I'd be "into" that kind of thing, and I don't want to feel obligated to read every book in the series - I just don't need that kind of pressure, damnit! But I am assured that they'll be so entertaining and will go so quickly, that I will want to read them all of my own free will. We'll see. (Don't all start chanting "One of us! One of us!")This is just another example of how I'm behind the times with pop culture. I never seem to get around to checking things like this out until after all the hubbub has died down.

---

Well then. I wrote that first part a couple weeks ago. Now I'm on the third Harry Potter book. Go figure. In the meantime, I also read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove by Christopher Moore and started his first book Practical Demonkeeping - I like his sense of humor and so far the books of his have been really clever and entertaining, great to get your mind off of things. I don't think I do too well with giving book reviews, but I'd definitely give it the thumbs up and nod repeatedly if you asked if it was worth checking out.

Cat Lesson #16

Scoring water from any source other than the specified "cat bowl" not only tastes better and temporarily cures boredom, but also reminds the human of another important cat lesson: finders keepers.

Dreams... of the future?

Suddenly, we had a new house that we couldn't afford, much larger and much more elegant than anything I had thought we would call home. I loved it, but knew it must be some sort of mistake - it couldn't really be ours. Three bathrooms! Multiple levels! A beautiful view! It was some sort of alternate reality - it was our house but it wasn't - and I guess we figured we'd enjoy it while we could. Then just as suddenly as the house had appeared, I was holding our baby girl. I've seen her in dreams before - big bright eyes and the chubbiest of cheeks. I was kissing her soft little cheeks and then realized I didn't really know what to do with her - she didn't even have a diaper on. She looked up at me and started to fuss and get teary-eyed with a look that said "You don't know what you're doing!" I looked at her and started to get teary-eyed too, and said softly "I'm sorry baby, I don't know what I'm doing..." as I grabbed some paper towels to put under her.

Bad Cracklins

A bothersome development: my jaw is feeling, well... crackly on and off lately. This can't be good. Like, it'll feel tight and similar to how it feels when a knuckle or other joint needs to be cracked, and I'm able to "pop" it, but that doesn't necessarily feel good or relieving. The thing that worries me is that I had jaw surgery 14 years ago and I don't think I should even be able to pop my jaw, at least I hadn't been able to until recently. Shit. I suppose I need to call the jerkass oral surgeon but I'd of course prefer not to. I wonder if there's some sort of warranty on this thing. If there was it's probably run out by now. What if I have to have another surgery? I never even considered that it would be a possibility, that the first one might not fully take. I was 15 at the time so I don't remember what all they told me. Maybe there was something in the fine print about you're not supposed to give blowjobs or it'll ruin the whole thing, but they were too polite to bring it up that warning considering my age at the time. Well, oops. Way too late now. Damnit.

At the moment

I hate feeling like this. I'm mad at myself for feeling like this and that's not helping. I can realize that it's probably 50% hormonal, 25% things that have been building up, and 25% the reality of the situation but that doesn't help much either. You know, up late - when I should be tucking myself into bed - but instead it's all bouts of tears and sniffles and wanting to scream. This is when I realize I don't have a good outlet or coping mechanism, I feel so overwhelmed that I could explode. I have nowhere for these feelings to go. Well, I have my silly little blog, apparently. But right now I just feel really, deeply, alone. Distanced from everything. And that when I'm the only one I can turn to or depend on, I don't do that so well. I feel like everyone who has ever been close to me has just gotten frustrated and given up or somehow or another shook their heads with disapproval. I feel like I need a friend more than ever. I need to be true to myself more than ever. I don't know how to describe it. It seems like this should be one of the happiest times of my life, and thinking about that makes me feel that much more miserable. I know this sounds ridiculous and whiny, and I'm trying not to think about that and just write, because every time I picture someone reading what I write or listening to my feelings, I see them rolling their eyes and giving me the "pssht, whatever." My own wavering sense of self worth can really make it feel like everyone is against me. Like I'm difficult to love, or even to listen to or be around. My feelings or expressions no longer seem valid to you, and I feel like some passive-aggressive mess begging to be validated. I'm scared and unsure about the future more than ever. I wish that with all my doubts and insecurities, that I could at least be sure about something. Even if it's just this one thing. I know it won't always feel like this and I don't want it to now either. Even if it only makes sense to me and I'll regret it tomorrow, I guess I needed to get that out. Goodnight.

Phoning it in

Sometimes it feels like I'm only running at, like, 20% power. You know, enough to cover basic functions and tasks but not a whole lot else. I'm sure everyone has felt similar from time to time, but when you tell people you've felt that way for maybe 3 or 4 years then it's not so understandable. I think something is telling me it's time for a change. Yeah, maybe it takes me longer than most people to pick up on those clues.

Little boxes made of ticky-tacky

Since the fiance and I moved from apartment life into house life, we've had quite a bit of adjusting to do. Not just with the upkeep of the place but also the social aspects. Neighbors at our apartment complex for various reasons were best avoided if at all possible, which usually was not possible. Still, people pretty much kept to themselves, whether it be in a "fuck you, I'm gonna just carry on like no one else lives here" kind of way or in a "let's respectively ignore each other and pretend that we have some privacy" kind of way. So now that we're in a neighborhood of mostly friendly people, I have to keep in mind that they most likely are being genuinely nice, and aren't out to steal our newspaper or poop in our washing machine as soon as we're not looking. (God, I hope not anyway.)

The funny thing about running into neighbors is that unless you know them really well, there is always somewhat of the same conversation taking place. Because really, what do you talk about with neighborhood acquaintances? The thing about these conversations is that they just don't seem to go much of anywhere.

"Have you met so and so that lives across the street?"
"No, not yet."
"Yeah, me neither."
Shrug.

Or

"I've seen you guys outside, you know, doing yard work and stuff."
"Oh, yep - I see you sometimes too."
"Oh yeah, we've waved."
"Yeah!"
Long pause.
"So... uh, have you met so and so over there?"

Or

"Oh, I remember the nice lady who used to live in your house."
"Mmm hmm."
"We were all surprised when she died."
"Yeah, that's really too ba-"
"From what I understand it was somewhat sudden."
"Leave me alone, I didn't do it."

Well, okay - you get the point. You talk about your lawns and stuff you want to do to your house, and hear the occasional tidbits of gossip about other neighbors, and it's really not all bad. It just takes some getting used to. As cynical as I am though, I am thankful for the small talk and little social interactions. We've even forged somewhat of a friendship with the couple next door, and try to make more of an effort to get to know the other surrounding neighbors. I know this sounds ridiculously simple, but for us it's quite an achievement to keep breaking away from our safe, anti-social comfort zone! (Can I throw in one more time that our last apartment really made us bitter and we stayed there about 3 years too long?)

What about you? Best/worst neighbor interactions to share?

No, that's not me in the picture

Anyway. As a follow-up to the last post: I did get a haircut that I really like (shorter than I expected, but it's bouncy-bouncy), but unfortunately didn't do so until after getting my god-awful license picture taken. (The lady was nice enough to do a couple retries before just saying "Sorry, I think that's as good as it's gonna get.") I REALLY don't photograph well (especially when I'm expecting it) and think I ended up looking like a tired, pale, bloated, thug. I mean, I was tired, pale and bloated but looking thuggish was sort of a surprise. Anyway, I had plenty of comfort food and comfort drinks over the weekend, and had a really nice 29th birthday overall. Sorry for all the whining that led up to it.

Fuddle-duds

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it. Sometimes I look at how far I've come, and sometimes I feel like I'm worse than ever. Is it the cutback on the antidepressants? Could be. Or a bunch of other things. Or nothing really at all. My birthday is on Friday, the last b-day of my twenties. Oh, I know - don't get all sad and reflective. But you know I do. And also get overwhelmed with the feeling of "where did all that time go? And what do I have to show for it?" But then, this coming year some big things will happen and perhaps it will all just get better and better from here on out. Yeah...

I've just been down. Particularly unhappy with my job and not sure how much longer I should stay here. It's not that the job is bad, it's just that being here makes me feel bad. And, you know - reclusive, inferior, bitter, negative, etc. That's all. Maybe that's what it's like for most people. But then I kinda think there might be something out there that's a better fit. Then again, I also have the feeling that if I leave too soon - like on a depressed whim - I will really regret it and realize that I had it pretty good here. Meh.

I'm feeling frumpy and ugly and not particularly looking forward to getting a new license picture taken or giving the state $83 that I don't have for the new license and tags. Or getting a stupid new license plate because they decided to change the colors - I like the one I have! But, whaddaya do?

Sorry for being such a stick in the mud. I think I could use a haircut, some ibuprofen and some sort of comfort food. That usually helps.

In this issue of ManCat...

We bring you this oh-so-sexy centerfold shot of Mr. Jones. Sure, it's probably because it happened to be the only one readily available on the computer at work to our staff, but more importantly because you look like you could use a little ManCat love. Just try to resist petting that belly-fur. He promises to give you a warning lick before he bites!



Also, no one told me previously about the Kitty Cat Dance video? I could've had this song stuck in my head months ago, people!

Your Head A Splode

Sometimes, for no good reason,
I find myself worrying that I might have a brain tumor
And then I wonder,
Is it the brain tumor that's making me think that?

Woah.





P.S. Hey, sweet! I just found a collection of "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" online.

Perma-wrinkles (haiku)

Frowning at my pants
If I didn't ever sit
They would look better

But what's really been going on?

Not much here. Other than one little trip to Target, we were pretty much shut-ins all weekend. You'd think with all that time at home, I would've tidied it up pretty well. Alas, it's only about 25% tidied, if that. Oh well. Sometimes you gotta just laze about, read, eat, snooze and not do anything overly productive on the weekend. The fee-on-say had good reason, what with the after-effects of gum surgery (poor thing!) and the vicodin and all that. As for me, I just felt kind of blah.

Is it common for old injuries, aches and pains to act up more when it's rainy or overcast and humid? Or is this just another sign of getting older? My "old fart knee" as I affectionately call it sometimes, has been feeling odd and achy these last few days, and my boss mentioned that his bad back has been acting up as well.

I don't know when exactly, (suppose I should document it for posterity) but I quietly made the decision recently that I'd start to slowly slowly taper off the head-meds (zoloft) again. No jokes, please. We'll see how it goes. Last time it didn't go so well, so I went back on as usual, but I may have been too abrupt with it, or it just wasn't the right time. I'm not promising anything, I'm just seeing how it goes. So far I feel relatively okay. I know I'm not a child or a very high risk I guess, but it's a little surprising how the doctor's office pretty much couldn't care less either way. They did stress that tapering slowly was important, but other than that, it's up to you, on or off, pssht - whatever, go home. This, and several other reasons make me think that it's probably time to move on to a different physician's practice. But I won't get into all that.

I can't wait to see what happens on Big Love tonight. That show is such a soap opera, and I'm hooked.