Monday, August 14, 2006

What's in that pocket?

Part 1 of a possible series I might call: The Horrors of Dirty Laundry

So you know if you take your clothes to the drycleaners you might want to check your pockets first, right? Having worked at two of them I have to say it's quite an important step of the process - not only did we make sure your favorite pen or driver's license didn't go through the drycleaning machine (ok, so it happened once and uh, no it didn't make it out of there too well - sorry dude, your license is all melty now) but we also would you know, check for all kindsa goodies that were left behind. Whee! Loose change! Treasures! Incriminating evidence!
Can you guess which one of the following I did not find in a customer's pocket?

  • Soiled underwear
  • Nudie pics
  • Lunchmeat
  • A turd
  • Bloody gauze
  • Viagra
  • A bag of weed
  • Flavored condoms
  • Handgun ammo

And just think of how disturbing that would be if all of these things had been in one customer's clothes!

UPDATE 8/15: Answer time!

Thanks for the comments and the guesses, folks! The only item on the list above that I did not find in a customer's pocket was:
***nudie pics***
Which must mean that people keep much better track of those than any other item OR our customers were just generally more nasty than they were sexual, I don't know.
And now for the explanations of the other items we did find:
  • Soiled underwear - People left their underwear in their garments way WAY too often. Depending on the customer, whether or not it was a first offense, and the state of the undergarment, we would sometimes put them in a little bag and give it back to the customer. Other times, we'd spare them possible embarrassment by just throwing the undies away. Sometimes it would be boxer shorts that were taken off hastily along with the pants, but also some not-so-whitey-tighties would get thrown in the mix - which were usually from older men and worthy of being labeled a biohazard. The time I'm referring to though was when we found an obviously worn thong in a woman's pocket. Maybe she just couldn't take having something up her butt all day and decided to go commando instead.
  • Lunchmeat - We were given a load of some of the most foul-smelling clothes from a drunkass (possibly a drunkass hobo) who pulled up in the back of a taxi and shouted his slurred orders for what to do with his nasty clothes. I can't believe we even took them, but our owners were ones to rarely ever turn away business, no matter how nasty the stuff was and not knowing if they'd ever get their money for cleaning it. So partway through getting this guy's clothes checked out (after he had left), my coworker reaches in to a pants pocket (fortunately she had a glove on) and says "ughh, something's stuck in here" and continues to pull until she can peeeel this opened package of turkey lunchmeat out that had become fused inside the pocket. Or well, maybe it was turkey at one time many months ago but now it was this revolting black turkey-slime. Blechhh! We both came very close to vomiting.
  • A turd! Yes, a turd. I was checking the pockets of one of our regulars - an elderly farmer-ish man who often had a little trouble with incontinence. So in his back pocket, in a sandwich bag, flattened like it had been sat on for a long time - was the turd. I guess I hope that he had a dog he was picking up after and just forgot about throwing that away, but I really don't know.
  • Bloody gauze - this really pissed me off because it was in the sport jacket of this asshole plastic surgeon who really should've known better about disposing of those kinds of things.
  • Viagra - found in the pocket of an elderly man that might've needed another medication so he could remember to take it.
  • A bag of weed - what a find! Somehow with no prior indication that it might be something I would partake in, my coworker (who was in her 60s) says "oh, well lookee here" and tosses me the bag. "Oh wow, I might know someone who would like...." I started to say, and she cut in with "Whatever honey, I didn't see a thing." How cool is that? It was just a little bit of shake, but shit with that kinda thing I think the universal rule is finders keepers.
  • Flavored condoms - these got passed around the entire place so everyone could have a giggle.
  • Handgun ammo - found in the pocket of a 3 piece ivory linen suit from a guy who never took his sunglasses off. Creepy.
Those were some fun times, I tell ya!


Mr. Husbland said...

I've left a turd in my pockets before. It was an accident, I swear!

iamnot said...

I don't know, but I've had 6 of those items in my pockets at one time or another....

Will said...

I'm assuming you did not find lunchmeat.

NeverEnough said...

I don't even want to KNOW what the answer to this is! Are you serious?? I would die.

Peggasus said...

My guess is a turd. The rest of them are totally plausible.

Did you save and consume the weed? I would have.

If all the rest of those were in one person's pocket, (who would have to be a man), I would like to hear the story behind it all. Or maybe not.

Grafs said...

I'm going with turd, though the rest aren't much better.

---- said...

I can't believe *any* of that was found in people's pockets!

But if I had to guess what *wasn't* really there, I'd say...lunchmeat?

Feral Mom said...

I'm going to guess "a bag of weed" and if I'm wrong, I'm totally going to moonlight at our local dry cleaners.

Fluffycat said...

i would think no one would leave viagra in their pants because it's expensive, and also they'd pop the viagra before they took the pants off.

Nervous Girl said...

mr. husbland - hee hee, you stinker!

iamnot - hmm, lemme guess which ones

will - oh, but I did!

neverenough - I love your reaction, yep - unfortunately I'm serious

peggasus - heh, you are right about the weed and wrong about the turd!

grafs - nope, though I wish I could say yes

nora - I know - disturbing, aint it?

feral mom - hee hee, make sure it's a ghetto drycleaners it'll help the chances of coming across a bag

fluffycat - very sensible guess, however this guy must've had something come up so he didn't need to use it (har har)

iamnot said...

Ammo in the washer is no big deal. It does kinda make you worry when you hear it banging around in the dryer though.
Never had one light off and my handloads are so good, I just take them out and go shoot them.

KC said...

Oh! I'm too late to get in on the guessing part of this. Darn! I would have been wrong anyway, because I would have guessed Viagra.

Yossarian said...

i have a three pieve ivory suit and never take my sunglasses off. but i remember to load my weapons

Rootietoot said...

I always have a a bullet or a casing in my pocket. Not that I'm a hit-person or anything, but in a house full of hunters, better a pocket than a vacuum cleaner, doncha know.