I keep trying to write something, but when I'm feeling really down I'm more likely to tell myself to shut-up and not publish that. But if everyone did that, I wouldn't have anything to read. Blah blah, I need to write about being self-critical but I'm too self-critical to do it!
Here's an attempt from earlier in the week:
You guys, I may have figured something out.
Almost all of the problems in my life seem to come back to one thing: self-worth, or lack thereof.
So, problem identified. Main cause of my depression, fear, emptiness, jealousy, relationship problems, bad decisions, lack of achievements, addictive behaviors, etc. I've had enough to get by, but not enough to really want better things for myself, or think that I deserve them and could actually have them. That sucks. I want and need to be able to depend on myself, and other people need that from me. I'm worried that when things go wrong, I don't even have my own back. I want to be good at something, have some sort of purpose and I don't know what that is.
I added that to the "too depressing" drafts. Of course, I haven't figured things all out since then but I'm at least feeling more on the upswing and less like everything is crushing me and I can't talk about it 'cause no one will understand. But sometimes getting the thoughts - however crappy - out is the answer. You know?
So, back to the thoughts of the nervous variety.
I'm so weird around people these days. After so many years in customer service, it seemed like I had overcome my shyness, but maybe it was only in remission. I'll see someone I know at a store and instinctively want to hide and avoid them - even when it's someone I like and wouldn't mind talking with. I think it's that I can place so much importance on interactions that I'm setting it up to be awkward. Don't let them see that you want friends! Don't linger too long! Stop being such a dork! Most of the women I've met in recent years have been through J knowing their husbands, and I'm still embarrassed that the last one I met I awkwardly hugged before leaving and that may have been a bit forward. "Hi! We made chit chat once and you seem pretty cool, therefore INCOMING HUG-BOMB GRRLFRIEND!" Oh well.
Oh, speaking of awkward hugs - I think I picked up being huggy from a couple of incredibly sweet wannabe hippie friends from highschool. (Incidentally, I also picked up smoking pot from them. Weed and hugs! And doodling! Those were the times.) But looking back, I think I could've used more discretion with my hugginess, especially with dudes. I remember going to Dunkin' Donuts (probably high or about to be) to pick up some donuts on my way to my boyfriend's house, and after I paid and was about to leave, the little guy behind the counter in a thick Indian(?) accent asked quietly "Miss? Can I have a hug?" and it just threw me off guard, but I was all "sure, yeah". And he just came around the counter and held me very tightly for a moment and said thank you and that was that. Could've been a potentially creepy situation (I think there was only one other person in the store, working in the back), but it was totally fine. On the other hand, there was a time after hanging out with a guy friend that I never would've felt threatened by, that turned into this crushing hug of steel that WOULD NOT END. And there was heavy breathing and a sweatpants boner involved and it was just bad. Hugs, people. They can go either way. If you have a story of inappropriate/badly timed hugging - on your part or otherwise, please tell me!
On a blog note: hey, Blogger added some new templates. I wonder if most people, like me, use a feed reader and don't click over to the blog much anyway. But still, nice to have some other options.