Monday, May 03, 2010

Where to go from there

I've got some bad thoughts weighing me down, and they would be easier to brush off if it was just my silly anxiety/worrying thing that I do. But what gives me that sinking, hopeless feeling is stuff that really has truth to it (I've disappointed everyone around me, I'm so afraid of dying that I'm not really living, It's not just that I think I'm fucked up - other people see it too, What good am I, etc.) Everyone has their issues, plenty of people have much MUCH harder stuff to deal with, but I get to that point where I feel as if everything is so royally fucked up by my own doing or not bothering to do that I can't think of a person who is more worthless. And I don't know where to go from there except to cry. (I know, drama queen much?) I keep thinking that I really need someone to talk to, or you know, I could at least be a better friend to myself if I'm gonna be alone all the time. And it's not like I'm never happy, I just have a hard time leveling, I guess. I can surround myself with little comforts (been a bit over-spendy lately - more on that later), but I feel like I'm grasping the air for a truly comforting thought to keep me grounded at times like this.


Swistle said...

Ick, I hate this kind of feeling too.

Peggasus said...

Huh. I've been reading you for a long time, you know. I think you tell yourself right here what it is: you FEEL this or that, but that doesn't mean it's REAL. Does that make sense? You DO need to start liking yourself a bit more, I think, and lighten up on yourself. Everybody fucks up, and it's rarely the end of the world, or anything else. People forget, people move on, life goes on.

Look at me getting all philosophical here. I just knocked over a glass of wine all over my computer desk here, some shit got wet, and I wiped it up and no harm done. Is that a metaphor for something? (Seriously, I just did that.) Also, you can be very funny sometimes; that's always been a saving grace for me, even if I'm the only one who notices.

~ Peggasus

Nervous said...

Swistle - thanks for understanding

Peg - it's always good to hear from you, thank you for the encouragement