Non-sequitur dream time!

The other night I had a dream that we went to a new church with our neighbors. And even though both of us are usually skeptical of the kinds of churches that try to be too "cool" and "hip" and "casual", we actually liked this place. We even participated in their churchly icebreaker activities, which led to playing this odd game of charades. So, it was my turn and I was supposed to be a frog - but for some reason, I could only use my facial expressions to demonstrate this. So I'm trying to mime catching a fly with my tongue, and it's not going well. Everyone's quietly watching dumbfounded for a while, and then one eager participant offers "Oh, I know! Are you... SATAN?!"

Well, I thought it was funny.

Whew, now don't get me started on Christmas...

T-day went over pretty well. The folks all got along, the food was great, and there were only a few minor complications. My dad was introduced to J's parents, and they seemed to do fine chatting with each other and my mom. (No religious debates! Limited hinting for grandkids (Um, look at the cute grandcat instead)! Only a few morbid discussions! Woo hoo!) I guess the only thing I wish I would've done better was be a better hostess. I mean, I wasn't rude (er, I hope not) or anything, and I did become more social and pleasant after having a drink (or two), but still. I just don't like that a) I get frazzled so easily and b)I don't hide it very well, which does not make me fun to be around. Really, there wasn't a whole lot of reason to get all stressed out - I was just assisting J in the kitchen for the most part - being the kickass cook he is, he did almost all of the food, including the huge delicious turkey. Plus, we only had 4 guests, all of whom are close family members - then again, it was all of our parents - together! So, I guess I really have no reasonable explanation for feeling that frazzled, other than wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I do notice that when it's close quarters and there are people all talking at once that I do tend to get overloaded and just want to get away from everyone. Not just in this situation, but in general. I'm not sure if I was always this way (highly sensitive) to an extent or if this is a more recent development. It could be that I'm just not as used to it due to spending a lot of time alone or just with J these days. Ack! Human interaction! I loved seeing them all, but can't say I wasn't relieved when everyone went home that night.

Anyway, it was great having the long weekend to relax. I slept in and then made coffee every morning (which I never have time to do during the weekdays), read, and enjoyed lots of yummy leftovers (we still have more, even after sending lots home with the parents). So, altogether I really can't complain. Hope you all enjoyed yourselves too!

Tig Ol' Burkey

Ok, so I'm not freaking out about Thanksgiving. But I'm also not not freaking out, maaan! Because as you know that is what I do. Nah, it should be fine. It will just be J and I, his parents, my mom, my dad, the cat, and one huge-ass 30lb turkey. As you see, my mom and dad are listed as separate items but they get along fine for the most part, so no big worries there. I just need to keep the folks all chatting or otherwise entertained and not hovering in the kitchen. Think we can get them all to play Wii bowling or some sort of board game? Will we have to rely on the cat to provide the entertainment? Will the dads insist on watching football? Will the moms corner me with wedding questions/suggestions that I can't back out of? Will I be scolded for playing my music, even when it's been carefully selected for the present company? (I know, it's our damn house - but it's happened before.) Will J and I get obnoxiously shnockered in front the 3 out of 4 non-drinking parents? Will I be able to contribute an edible side dish and/or dessert? Will I get my ass in gear and clean the place up adequately enough before Thursday? I don't know, I don't know! Well, we'll just have to see.

So if I don't talk to you beforehand, I hope you all have a warm, happy Thanksgiving (and/or Spanksgiving, if that's what you're into.)

Salud!

These are the days of soup and corduroys (the corduroys I spilled soup on)

I made some pumpkin butterscotch cookies last night - and hey, they're pretty good! It seemed like an odd combo at first, but the butterscotch sweetens up and blends with the pumpkin quite nicely. I'm determined to try to do more domestic-type thingies lately, to give myself some small sense of accomplishment. Our house could definitely use some extra attention. It's not so much that I don't like things to be clean and orderly, it's more that I have the bad habit of putting things off over and over again. (My reasoning for being a slob, I suppose.) The piles of laundry, dishes, etc. just get so out of hand so quickly - even with just the two of us - it's embarrassing. If I just break things down into small tasks that I want to accomplish each day, maybe it won't seem so overwhelming. (Not that cookies are really a task on the list that NEEDS to be accomplished... wait, yes. Yes, they were totally necessary.)

Thankfully, it hasn't really snowed here yet. Just a mix of snow with rain. Pretty damn cold though. Ugh. I really do like the fall - it's just that in Michigan we sometimes don't get much of one before we get blasted with winter. Bleh.

I'm dragging my feet about the upcoming holidays, and I know that's a sucky way to be. Things are just different now. It feels like instead of appreciating the time we have together, it's a time to reflect on how disjointed our family has become, and think about what we could've been but are not. I was talking to my mom the other night and she said "I just never thought it would be like this... your brother in Australia, your other brother, well... (big sigh), and...." she just drifted off from there. I felt like what she could've said and didn't was that even though I'm here, it's like I'm not really here. For so long, it felt like I was the second in command - behind my mother - of bringing the family together. My brothers, even if they were around, were always distant and/or complicated to reach. But I was there, doing what my mom wanted (albeit begrudgingly some of the time). It's sort of sad that I don't have the inclination to do this anymore - whether it's my selfishness or complacency or both. Now I've sort of drifted away from the family too, when maybe it's the time that I really need to step in and do my part more than ever before. I don't know. Things seem, for the most part, so much lighter and warmer with J's family - but I know it's not fair to repeatedly elect to spend holidays with them and slight my own family. So, I think we're going to invite people from both sides to our house for Thanksgiving (not that we haven't invited them before) and just hope for the best. We'll see. I know everybody goes through the holiday/family stress and they have situations way more complicated than mine - I guess I just wish I was in a better mental/emotional state to deal with it.

We don't talk like we used to

I don't feel like I've had much of anything good to say for quite some time. So, I haven't. Just being quiet, you know. And the longer you're quiet, the more you get used to it. Not that it's necessarily a good thing. It's not just that I'm not writing here or in any kind of journal - I'm finding it difficult to just write emails, even no-pressure, friendly emails like I used to. I hardly ever answer the phone when calls come in (except for at work, since I have to) and even feel at a loss for words with the people I'm closest to. I'm just foggy and distant, and not in the way the cool kids are. Some of this might have to do with halving the antidepressants, but I feel like if I say that, people think I'm just making an excuse for being a shithead. I wasn't always like this, really!

I have, however, been reading a lot - which, even though is a leisure activity, it's one I don't feel too bad about. Even if it is Harry Potter, because *shut-up* they are totally addictive. Just finished book 6 (thanks for making me cry, J-Ro) and feel the impending doom of the series being over after the next one. I've also been checking out a lot of new (to me, at least) indie/alternative/folky music through eMusic, which almost always perks me up a bit. Yay for buttloads of freshly burned mixed CDs! (What, you thought I'd be all "with the times" and have an iPod by now? Oh hells no!)

Anyway, I don't know if there was a point to all this, but if there was it was that I'm gonna try to talk/write more and see if that helps to get it out, so be forewarned or whatever...