Don't worry about, don't speak of doubt

So... new template. You like? No? Indifferent? Yeah, I don't know either. Just wanted to change it up for a bit, but I'm sure I'll fiddle with it again soon. I really need to upload some pics along with posts like I used to - because it's looking pretty bland around here.

I've been having these awful dreams. And I know I've been saying everything is hormone related lately, but I think this is too. Or it happens more when I don't have the synthetic hormones in my system. But we don't have to get into all that. These dreams are like watching movies, except they're awful violent movies that you don't want to watch and can't turn away from. Thanks a lot, subconscious mind. I don't know how to explain. It's just disturbing and I hate waking up in a sweaty panic.

I'm waiting for him to get home. Yeah, he's working on a Saturday - that's a bunch of crap but has to be done sometimes. I get anxious to see him especially when I've been by myself all day. I was even going to mix myself a drink to up the lovey-dovey feeling, but I'll wait. The buzz I get from drinking doesn't ever seem to last long, so I don't want to waste it. And it's pretty likely that right now a drink will get me even more horned up. Hornified?

Anyway! I gotsta go for now.

So now what?

Alright. So Christmas has come and gone and of course it wasn't altogether bad. In some respects I'm relieved to have it over, but then again feel a bit sad that it passed in such a blur. We (J and I) both think it may have been more fun with some little chitlins running around, but then again more stressful too. But despite my "family crisis" shit, I was selfishly dealing with my own shit too and for that, I feel bad. Well, I mean I feel bad that I was in one of those moods where I will answer politely enough when spoken to but can't keep up a prolonged conversation, I wanted to smile but it felt unnatural for my face to cooperate, and none of the usual spirit-lifters had the same effect that I needed to be a good hostess. There are usually about 2 days a month where I am at my utmost worst, and these happened to begin right on Christmas. Not good. I also neglected to make getting certain important med refills of the utmost importance before the holidays. Now due to the idiocy not only on my part but on that of the pharmacy and then of the doctor's office, I am on day 2 without these stupid drugs in my system, knowing that day 3 is usually my breaking point for an uncontrolled crying freakout. It's awful timing. But like I said, it's my fault anyway and I'll get it taken care of.
As usual, my sweet fiance pulled off a fantastic meal for his parents, my mom and us. I could go on about how much he means to me, how he keeps me going when times are rough like this, and how I just love him so much that I can feel the tears welling up... but it would probably be a little nauseating for the rest of you. So we'll just say I'm glad that I had him there with me through this. I'll try to give a better recap of the holidays another time. I wanted it to be half-funny, half-complaining, but I'm going to just sound complainy if I do it now. You know how it is.

Holidazed

I don't know, folks. Despite my tendencies to be bah-humbug this time of year, I was secretly on and off feeling just a little festive. Sure, I've been stressed and sure I'm not really prepared, and sure we have continuous rain and gloom instead of snow, but I still was more or less planning on having a decent holiday. I sort of missed Christmas last year due to being terribly sick with a nasty stomach bug that knocked me on my ass for a week. So at least I don't have that to deal with. But as it turns out, my immediate family is in somewhat of a crisis now and none of us are really in the mood to celebrate. It's not that Christmas is being called off, but my brother is in some deep trouble that is really weighing heavily on all of us. I'm sorry I can't even explain. I don't know, it's a mess. My poor parents. But I am glad that despite of all the family issues we may have, we care about each other enough to be affected and concerned.
Sorry to be so depressing, and sorry that I haven't written much, or commented much or emailed much. Hopefully it'll all blow over soon.
I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday out there! Share some hugs and let people know you love them!

Chrishmish shapping

It's a good thing I haven't gone too crazy with online shopping, especially with how bad I am at regular shopping and how much better the products look on the computer screen than in person. I get in the stores and regardless of if I have an idea of what to buy or not, I get in this hazy, confused, irritable state and then end up doing things like looking at every single board book in the big old bookstore's section for kids, and then end up buying the one that my nephew already has. Or buying my significant other the same kind of shaver 2 years in a row AND also forgetting how crappy it was and that it nicked and cut up his face. As it gets closer and closer to Christmas and I get more and more desperate, everything I look at starts looking like what might be a good gift idea, which usually ends up being awful. And then I start thinking about this shit way too hard and want to break down right there in the store, yelling stuff out like "I don't think I even really KNOW my family or what the hell they like! Hey you there, hey lady - do you think my dad would like this sampler of teas? Hey stranger, how much do you have to spend on your coworkers to not look like a shmuck? Excuse me, hi there random person, do you think I'm buying these earrings because I like them or because I truly think my mom will like them? How about a variety pack of kleenex - is that a gift? I know I'd use it if it was for me. I mean, if you think about it - what isn't a gift, right? RIGHT? Someone??? Help?"
Yeah, so shopping tonight should be fun.

Oh Grumbley Grumbles

I'm having one of those bouts of eye-twitching, don't you hate that? It's just an annoying little quiver, feels like it might be sinus-related so I keep squeezing the bridge of my nose. I've also been experimenting with the art of eyebrow penciling lately, so it's like "hey, lookit that girl - what's her expression? Is she concerned? Annoyed? I don't know, but with the looks of that twitchy eye, I'd stay away from her if I were you..."

My petty complaint of the day is that I don't like being at the mercy of my boss for when I am allowed to have lunch. Normally I bring a cup of soup and a room temperature beverage since we don't have a refridgerator here (which yes, also annoys me) and I just eat at my desk and work through lunch. But some days, I don't like being confined! Some days I don't want or have soup! And it's like it's a BIG pain in the ass that I need to run out for 10 minutes to go get something, which I still can bring back and eat at my desk while working. But he likes to be in control. Yesterday he told me to go to lunch and it was only 10:45AM, today it was - you didn't bring your lunch again??? Irritated sigh. Well, I'll be back in an hour and a half, you can go then. I know, it's just a stupid little thing and usually I try to be flexible about it. It's just that I NEVER take advantage of the whole being entitled (by you know, the state regulations) to 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch thing, plus the phone hardly ever rings during the usual lunch times, plus we have caller ID and voice mail if anyone DID call, but nevermind, nevermind - I just get a little cranky when I'm hungry!

Assorted Fried Vegetables

So, I finally was given word that it was MY turn to switch over to the beta version of blogger. I'm kind of surprised that they really didn't come up with much in the way of NEW templates (what is there - one?) but at least they've made it somewhat easier to change the colors in the existing ones. We'll see how it works out.

I don't know what our holiday plans are. I don't know what our wedding plans are. I'm not a good planner.

Another weekend came and went. I didn't get Christmas shopping accomplished (including but not limited to completing the package that I need to send to Australia - like that's not gonna be late or anything, shit!) but I did get the fake tree put up and decorated, so it looks a bit more festive around the house. We had a coffee pot die (what, the coffee pot can't withstand a spill of [you guessed it] COFFEE on it's display? Weak!) so we bought another cheap one. It's like our history with toasters - they were practically a disposable commodity in our house until we finally just bought a toaster oven which was well worth the slightly higher cost and eventually we'll break down and spend a little extra on a coffee maker too - just not this time around. J made a delicious roast chicken (which isn't really news as his cooking is always delicious) and I made us some chocolate chip cookies (not festive, but still quite yummy). We had 2 visits from friends, which totals 3 whole people who like us enough to can hang with us. You know what company means: drinks may have got drinked and pots may have been smoken, but all in the spirit of being FESTIVE! Or something. We didn't end up watching any of our Netflix movies (Beerfest, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, X-Men 3) but at least we have some good ones ready when we get around to it. I finished reading My Friend Leonard by James Frey (really good) and started Little Children by Tom Perrotta which so far seems like it'll be good too. We got some Indian food last night - while we were eating I couldn't help envisioning myself today, clutching my stomach and saying "ugh, we had Indian food last night" but actually haven't had too many unpleasant after-effects. I've gotten more adventurous about food over the years and can even handle spicey to a certain point. Everything was SO seasoned though that it was almost like sensory overload. Good stuff though, interesting. So there's the weekend in a messy, unformatted nutshell.

Where's the beef?

Well, that was weird. Apparently everything checked out alright on my car. It wouldn't start, but then after they towed it back to their garage, it did start - he says it happens all the time, might be something got jiggled around during the tow. Isn't that always the answer? You just gotta jiggle it. Alright then.

This morning my boss picked up my sorry ass and brought me to work. We stopped along the way at a funky coffee shop that usually has amusing phrases on their sign, such as "Stop in for a cup of Whoop Ass!" "Coffee keeps you regular" or "We stopped peeing in the tea" so I had already decided I liked the place before I went in. Now maybe I'm just not used to the hip coffees the kids are drinking these days, but my house blend seemed a little odd. At first I thought it was just stronger than I was used to, but it was more of just a weird aftertaste of... is it... beef? Then I thought I know what this tastes like! The aftertaste is just like the "au jus" that you get with a french dip sandwich! That must be their secret! Still thinking I was just being crazy, I drank about 1/2 of it before my stomach clenched up and begged me to stop. On top of that, I have a beef-related soup for lunch, so I can forget about getting that taste out of my mouth.

Seems like this needs a dirty joke here, but I'm at a loss. So you just go on and have yourself a great day.

Whassa matta you?

Me + cars = trouble.

I was just thinking, juust theenking of finally getting some body work done on my car, when lo and behold she decided not to start after I got my morning coffee from the gas station and was going to be on my way to work. I'm sorry I cursed you, car! You trying to tell me you've got worse problems I should pay attention to? I hate that sinking feeling when you're turning the key when you know it's doing no good "please turn over, please this time, please fucking start!" At least I was parked in a decent spot (not at the pump) at the time and had a few minutes to make calls before the battery died on my cell phone (figures). But I hate that. When you like, need help from people, possibly strangers, but the look in their eyes says "please don't ask me, I don't know you, please don't ask me, what are you trying to pull, don't talk to me" but at least the store manager was kind enough to attempt giving me a jump start. It didn't work though, so now I wait to hear the fate of my car and hope it's nothing serious but I'm expecting the worst, because it usually is.

But hey, I got a ride to work from my non-working co-worker, a ride to the shop to drop off the keys, and hey I might even fenagle a ride home (across frickin town) from some kind soul. So I'm thankful that some people out there will still help other people. But most likely, only if they know you.