On The Bound

I'm no stranger to spending large amounts of time in solitude. Lots of times, I even prefer it. However, it's not always necessarily a good idea for someone like me. Highly suggestable and easily influenced, I'm not a very good friend to myself. I need to feel the energy that radiates off of other people, opens my eyes back up to life. I'm alone too long and I get weird.
I made a secret wish that my phone wouldn't ring this weekend. I got it. Only now, instead of relief it just gives me an empty feeling that makes me feel even further away from the outside world.
I'm 27 and I have no idea where my life is going.
I feel so far behind.
I couldn't even tell you what I really want to happen.
Things can be awful and comfortable at the same time. It's amazing how long you can go about your everyday routine, just floating.
My job is really getting me down. I don't know if it's the job so much or the environment. If I take a step back and look at it, it's really not so bad. I should be so much more thankful for it than I am. It's even something that I could move slightly up the ladder with if I really wanted it bad enough. It's rare to find an opportunity like that for someone like me with no college education and not much in the way of prospects. But honestly, it's something that I find painfully boring, emotionless and unsatisfying if I look at it as a career. Maybe that just sounds like an excuse not to try. If it paid well and had benefits (which I'm sure it doesn't) I think I'd almost be happier working at the grocery store down the street. Yeah. Sunday nights often bring on these thoughts that suck.

I dont know what I'm doing, dont know
Should I change my mind? I cant decide,
There's too many variations to consider
No thing I do dont do no thing but bring me
More to do, It's true,
I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it's all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn't

- from "On The Bound" - Fiona Apple